Page 138 of Wicked Refusal

Then reality trickles back in. “The trial…” I swallow the last piece of cheese with the lump in my throat. “What am I going to do?”

Yulian pulls me close to his chest. I wish I could stay like this forever, safe in his embrace. “You know what you could do…” he murmurs.

“No.” He wants me to hand him the reins, and I won’t do that. Not when I know exactly what he’s going to do to Brad if I do. “I need to fix this myself. For Eli.”

For a long moment, he just watches me. “You’re saying this is your battle.”

“It is.”

He doesn’t press, though I can tell he wants to. Instead, he kisses the top of my head and pulls me closer. “Then I’ll be here for you. Regardless of how it ends.”

Regardless of how it ends.My stomach ties up in knots. Tomorrow, there’s a very real possibility I’ll walk out of that courtroom without my parental rights.

I haven’t wanted to think about that option. What I’ll do if Brad wins. Until now, I’ve needed every scrap of confidence I could muster. I’ve always been a fake-it-‘til-you-make-it kind of girl, after all.

But what if, this time, it’s not enough?

I think about Eli, back in that cold, cold house. Eli, taken off his meds on a whim because of Brad’s ignorance, starting fights at school again because he can’t control his impulses. Losing all his friends, all the good things in his life. Eli, sinking back into selective mutism. Thinking every day that his dad is being mean to him because he’s not good enough. That it’s his fault this is happening.

Eli, losing his spark forever.

“Hey.” Yulian tips my chin up. His thumb wipes a stray tear off the corner of my eye. “Where’d you go just now?”

“I don’t want to lose him,” I rasp. “He’s my son. He… he still needs me.”

“Don’t think about that.”

“I have to.” It hurts to even say it. “The trial ends tomorrow. If I can’t convince the judge…”

I trail off. It’s too painful—too unreal.

Yulian tucks me closer. His palm moves to my belly. “I’ll always protect you, you know. All three of you.”

All three.It moves me that he’s including Eli. That he’s always included Eli, as effortlessly as breathing. “Thank you,” I whisper.

“You don’t need to thank me.” His strong arms close around my shoulders. “You’re family. Family protects each other.”

Family.

Guilt flares inside me. Would Yulian still call me his family if he knew what I did? That I destroyed the evidence of the Baldwins’ involvement with the murder of his original family?

I did it to protect my son. To spare him more grief. But what if that ends up being exactly what breaks him? Not Brad’s death, but his continuing to live?

What if I’ve ended up dooming my entire family instead of saving it?

I curl up against Yulian’s chest and let the tears fall. He holds me close through it all, and I hate that I don’t deserve it. I’m betraying him even as I cry in his arms, because he has no idea what I did.

I thought he didn’t deserve me. That, after putting me and Eli in danger, he couldn’t ever deserve me again.

But now, I know.

I’mthe one who doesn’t deservehim.

“It’s not the only way, you know,” he whispers into my hair between kisses. “Killing him, I mean. Though I’d vastly prefer it.”

“No killing.”

He scoffs. “I got the point. There are other ways of making people dance to your tune.”