Page 4

C ontessa

There’s an empty space above the dance studio. I think it’s supposed to be an office but there’s no furniture—only wooden boards and a couple rugs. There’s a small kitchenette off to the side and another small room which is also empty. And with it being the middle of winter, it’s also freezing . But this is the only place I could think of where Federico and I could be together away from the prying eyes of our families.

It’s mid-morning on a Sunday—not a time I’d ordinarily have chosen to lose my virginity, but then again, it’s not something I’d planned on doing any time soon.

The studio is closed on a Sunday so no one’s around, and—thankfully—no one else seems to be aware the lock on this upstairs office has been broken for weeks.

Fed takes the stairs cautiously and presses an ear to the door before pushing it open, then I follow him inside. I hug my arms around myself and walk to the window, half conscious of Fed behind me unpacking a couple of bags he brought with him. The street is quiet with only the occasional yellow cab crawling through on a shortcut to somewhere more interesting. For one of the most monumental moments in my life, this day sure feels mundane.

“Did you bring the, um…?” I ask without looking around. I can’t seem to form the word ‘condom’—it sounds so foreign in my head, but Fed understands.

“Yeah, Tess. Of course I did.”

I watch the street for another five minutes and when the shuffling behind me stops, I turn around and swallow.

Federico has laid out comforters, pillows and blankets and surrounded them with candles. Flames flicker gently in the darkened room and a bottle of vodka stands by the wall. Fed’s gaze follows mine. “I thought, you know, it might help.” He shrugs. “I want it to be good.”

My legs tremble as I close the gap between us. I lower to my knees. The blankets make the room warmer somehow. Softer.

He reaches for the bottle and twists off the cap, then holds it out to me. “Want some?”

My fingers brush his when I take it from him and a shiver darts through my arm and across my shoulders. I never used to have this reaction to my best friend. He was always just… Fed. But he’s about to become something a whole lot more. He’s going to be written into my history—a part of the fabric of who I am.

I take a long swig of the vodka and stifle the urge to choke on it. The most I’ve ever drunk is the occasional glass of wine at family dinners, and even then it’s come with a side of scrutiny from my aunt.

The heat of the alcohol works its way into my stomach and it doesn’t take long for it to loosen my limbs and soften my inhibitions.

I look up from beneath nervous lashes. “So, how do we do this?”

His expression sobers. “I want you to feel comfortable.”

I’m not sure what that means so, with trembling fingers, I cross my arms, grip the hem of my sweater and pull it over my head. When my gaze drops to Fed he’s staring at my bra, his eyes wide, the rest of him unmoving.

“O-okay… Fuck,” he says, quietly.

It seemed to be the right move, so I stand shakily and push my leather-look leggings over my hips, knees and ankles, then kick them to the side. Fed’s gaze drops to my bare stomach, then slides down to the apex of my thighs. He swallows loudly. “You are fucking beautiful, Tess.”

When he looks up, there’s something indecipherable behind his eyes. It’s a heartbreaking combination of hunger and despair.

“Come here.” His voice is hoarse .

I crawl across the comforter until our knees are touching, then he lifts one of the blankets. “Get underneath. I don’t want you to be cold.”

His tenderness warms my heart against the chilling temperature of the room.

I settle in beside him and we rest our heads against the pillows.

“Can I touch you?”

My heart race like the wings of a hummingbird, but amidst the chaos of my nervous system, I realize there’s maybe a chance I’m okay with this.

I mean, it’s Federico . The boy from school who the older girls have started to take notice of. The same boy I spent a significant chunk of my childhood playing pranks on. And who, despite his changing form—his thicker muscle and growing height—is still my best friend. A best friend who’s about to leave New York, maybe for good.

As the seconds tick by, I no longer feel like I’m giving my best friend a parting gift—I’m giving us both something to honor our friendship with. I didn’t think I’d ever find someone who’d want to do this with me, and I’m grateful I suppose. Plus, this could be the one chance I get to connect with the closest thing I might ever have to a soulmate.

I nod and he rests a palm on my shoulder then slides it down my arm to my hip. His gaze follows and his teeth bite down on his bottom lip.

I feel warm under the comforter, but when his fingers trace the outline of my underwear, I shiver. His breaths grow ragged the closer his thumb crawls to the space between my thighs.

It feels as though all my blood has raced to the top of my legs and I break out in a light sweat all over my body. Instinctively, I reach down and press his fingers to my panties, and when he sucks in a breath I close in on his lips, a little too eagerly.

He applies pressure with his fingers but it’s clumsy. They don’t stay in one place long enough for me to feel the right friction. I’m no expert at this, but I’m better at getting myself off than he is.

I silently scold myself. Give the guy a break, Tess. Maybe it’s his first time too. Then my scattered thoughts take over. Has he done this before? Who with? Is he keeping secrets from me? It shouldn’t matter, I argue with myself. He’s not my boyfriend.

I can’t focus. His fingers grate against my panties, and he pulls back for second. “Are you okay?”

I nod hesitantly, then push my fingers through his. “Here. This usually works.”

His gaze drops to where my fingers are circling the flesh beneath my underwear and I take the respite from his focus to let myself go—let myself feel .

“Oh my God,” he breathes.

“What?” My body starts to rock of its own accord.

“You’re really wet down there.”

I close my eyes, breathing heavily. “Is that bad?”

His breaths start to match my own. “No. Fuck, no, Tess. It means you want this. ”

My fingers slide through wetness, lubricating the tips, and a quiet whimper escapes me. He continues to stare down at what I’m doing, while I bite down on my lip.

Out of nowhere, a white heat unfurls across my pelvis and floods my core. “ Oh!”

Blinding pleasure mutes the sound of Federico’s curses and the sight of his stiffened jaw. Stars fly behind my eyes and my body jerks uncontrollably.

As I relax, shame floods through me. I just masturbated in front of my best friend. I just got myself off instead of giving him more of a chance to do it, or to get some enjoyment out of trying.

I shake my head in despair.

I’m a freak .

When I eventually wrench my eyes open, Fed looks ravenous .

He pushes me to my back and settles between my legs.

There’s a rustling sound at the side of my ear, then Fed pulls back and rests back on his knees. “Here…” He offers me the vodka again. “Have some more. It’ll help.”

I half-sit and swig a few mouthfuls then wince at my burning throat. He does the same then fumbles with a condom. I glance down at his dick. I’ve never seen one before—not in real life anyway. I swallow, not expecting it to be so… sizeable .

Fed catches me looking. “Try not to think about it too much. Just relax. ”

I uncurl to my back and bend my knees as he aims himself at my opening. My lids squeeze shut.

“Open your eyes,” he says softly. “Don’t tense.”

I exhale a long breath and he pushes his way in. When he pauses, I know it’s because he’s reached my hymen and this is going to really hurt.

“Are you okay?” he asks again.

I breathe slowly and whisper, “Yes.”

It all happens so fast, yet too slowly. Fed thrusts forward and pain bursts through my core. My eyes snap shut but as soon as the darkness fades, someone else is looking back at me.

Bronze eyes, heated gaze. Unaffected .

I cry out like a wounded animal and feel Fed’s lips on the side of my face.

He moves.

In, out, in, out.

I feel like I’m crumbling in pain.

I shake my head but the vision just won’t leave.

Benito Bernadi is staring up at me through a gap in the door. His whole body is solid, like stone, his eyes possessive, as though he only needs to look at something once to make it his.

Lips slide down my cheek and the heaviness on top of me moves faster, driving a hard length in and out of my body.

Fed reaches for my fingers and shoves them between us. He wants me to take care of myself again. I don’t think I can focus on that while my insides bleed, but I’m willing to try anything to lessen the pain. I’m still wet so my fingers move easily, stoking the embers still burning.

Benito turns a fraction so his suited body blocks out the rest of the room. That dark gaze consumes me. His chiseled jaw grinds left to right and his hooded brow darkens. He licks his bottom lip leaving a lick of saliva in its wake. The hand he raises to wipe it away is gripping something with a casual prowess. I narrow my eyes, suddenly desperate to know what it is.

Black metal, a loaded chamber, a calloused finger pressing softly on the trigger.

Fuck.

A bolt of fire erupts across my pelvis and I arch my back, letting my head drop back against the comforter. I can barely hear Fed’s words as he moves faster through my slickened heat, driving more tremors through my core. Tears stream down my cheeks. I know I’m crying out but I don’t recognize my own voice. It sounds wanton .

I’m still shaking when Fed’s weight covers me and the sound of his heavy breaths invades my ears.

“Are you okay?” I ask in a throaty voice.

He swallows twice before he replies and keeps his face buried in my shoulder when he does.

“I’ve never been worse.” His words vibrate against my collarbone and I instantly stiffen.

“What?” I whisper.

When he lifts his head, his irises are doused in flames. “I finally got what I’ve wanted for years , Tess. And it won’t ever be enough. ”

I pull his head into my chest and stare up at the ceiling, a heated gaze warming the periphery of my vision.

Then the realization sears me more than the tear in my hymen: My best friend is the person I lost my virginity to, but his face wasn’t the one I saw when I came.

It’s late afternoon when Fed drops me at the end of my street. He cuts the engine and we stare out of the windshield, not speaking. Only the sound of our breathing fills the car.

Finally, Federico breaks the silence. “Will you write me?”

I turn slowly and take in his profile. “Where would I send mail to?”

Fed reaches into the back pocket of his jeans and pulls out a card. “Ma’s friend runs a business in So-Cal. She uses this PO Box address. You can reach me this way.”

“Is that where you’re going? California?”

He sighs and clicks his tongue. “I don’t know where we’ll settle, but I don’t think Ma’s friend is moving any time soon. This is the most reliable address I can give you.”

I fold the note between my fingers and turn to face out the windshield again. “In that case, I’ll write you there.” I don’t know what else to say. I feel numb, as though my body has shut down.

Suddenly, Fed takes my face and turns it toward him. His fingers dig a little too deeply into my jaw.

“I’m going to come back for you Tess, I promise. I’m going to make those bastards pay for what they’ve done.”

His anguished expression shocks me out of my numbness and I swallow a hard lump in my throat. Feelings start to tumble over themselves in my stomach and I feel an unbridled urge to dance, to get them out.

“I’m going to kill that fucker Bernadi and take you far away from here so you don’t have to live with the constant reminders of what happened to your mama.”

A tear starts to form in the corner of my eye. I stare back at him, feeling his fingers fall from my face to my hands.

“I love you, Tess. You know that, don’t you?”

I blink at him, suddenly overwhelmed.

“You’re mine now and I’m going to come back for you. I promise.”

I nod and grope around for the door handle, then step out of the car, drawing in a lungful of air. It isn’t enough—I still feel like I’m suffocating.

Without any warning, Fed leans over the passenger seat, yanks the door closed and accelerates off down the street without a backward glance.

I look through the gates to my home, acutely aware of the growing dampness in my underwear. Without looking, I know it’s blood .

I turn my back to the gates and make my way to the beach nearby. It’s not much of a beach—more a sandy clearing sheltered by oversized dunes and thickly planted palms. With any luck it will be deserted. I don’t ‘people’ well at the best of times, and right now I could live with the idea of never speaking to another human again.

Thankfully, the coast is clear, and I stand at the edge of the sea staring out into a vast expanse of nothing. Just a pink sky, a vague horizon and never-ending depths. I don’t think before I strip off my clothes, scattering them on the shore as I stride into the waves. They draw me in without words, without reason. They seem to know what I need.

The floor drops away and I dip beneath the surface. All sound disappears and finally, there’s quiet.

My eyes sting but I open them anyway. I swim deeper, further, freer. With each stroke, a nerve unravels and a muscle releases. I can breathe again.

After a few minutes, I turn back to the shore. The wind has picked up and the waves crash against me as I stride out of the water. At the edge I stop and stare at my clothes. As the realization I just skinny-dipped for the first time in my life dawns on me, I scoop up the clothes and race to the trees, pulling them over my wet limbs.

My heart is racing but, for the first time in forever, I feel free.