Page 12

C ontessa

As if my dark demons can sense my mind softening toward Bernadi, fate delivers a package that only reaffirms my hatred for the assassin upstairs.

When I toss my keys onto the hall stand, they don’t clink like they normally do; they thunk. I look down to see they’ve landed on a brown paper-wrapped package addressed to me. I pick it up and inspect it for a sender’s address, but the only address I can see is mine.

I take it straight to my room and sit on the edge of the bed to carefully open it. I never get mail, but instead of feeling excited at the prospect, my pulse is skittering with apprehension.

When all the paper is in a pile at my feet, I’m left holding a plain white box. I tear off the tape and open it, then my heart breaks .

Inside is a pile of envelopes, tied together with string. My own handwriting stares back at me. I don’t need to count through the envelopes to know there are thirty-six of them, stacked in order of the date they were sent. Almost one letter for each month Fed has been gone.

My eyes are hot and dry when I blink. They ran out of tears a long time ago.

I take one end of the string and pull, releasing the bow that binds them all together. When they slide apart, I notice they’ve been opened. Whether Fed received these letters or not, someone has read them.

I pick up the top envelope and pull out the letter. Even though it was written over three years ago, my handwriting hasn’t changed, and I know what I wrote, word for word, because I’ve played it back constantly, wondering if I’d said the wrong thing. I unfold the white paper and read.

Dear Fed,

It’s only been a few weeks since you left but I already miss you so much. I hope you and your parents have found somewhere nice to settle. Have you started at a new school?

Sorry if I was a bit weird when we said goodbye. I was in shock, I think. Losing my virginity was different to what I’d expected and I’m still trying to make sense of it. I need you to know that I love you as a friend, but I don’t think I’m ready for anything more right now. I guess with the distance between us now, being anything more than friends is pretty impossible, but I think that’s good. I really hope saying this doesn’t hurt your feelings. I would never want to hurt you, Fed. I’m really glad we experienced our first time together, as friends.

I can’t wait to hear from you. I want to know you’re safe and I wish you all the happiness in the world.

Your best friend, Tess xxx

My fingers tremble slightly as I fold the note and place it back inside the envelope, then I take out the one beneath it.

Dearest Fed,

I really hope you’re ok. It’s been two months now and I haven’t heard from you. I hope I haven’t upset you by saying I wanted to be just friends. I think I just freaked out a bit. It felt like a big deal losing my virginity, but I’m so glad it was to you.

I’m sure that with a bit of time I’ll make good girlfriend material, lol. You know what a headcase I am—maybe I don’t feel ready, or like I’d be any good at it. If you can be patient with me, I’ll try to get there.

I’m so sorry if I made you think it was an impossibility. I think I just need some time, that’s all.

Please forgive me for being an idiot, and write me back!

All my love, Tess xxx

P.S. It’s official - Kelly Richards is dating Seth Turner, the quarterback. That’s all the gossip I know though, I’m afraid. I’ll listen out for more just for you!

A knock sounds at the door, making me jump.

“Yeah?” I try to hide the irritation in my voice.

The door opens and Allegra, my aunt, pops her face through it. Just as she opens her mouth to speak, her gaze drops to the box in my lap.

“Ah, I was just coming to let you know a package had arrived for you, but you’ve found it. Anything interesting?”

When I don’t reply, she steps into the room, seeing a response on my face anyway. “What is it, Tess? Is everything okay?”

I shrug and place the second note back in its envelope. “Everything’s fine,” I say in a monotone voice.

She walks over and sits beside me on the bed. “Do you want to talk about it?”

I shake my head but answer anyway. “They’re all the letters I sent to Federico.”

She peers over my shoulder. “They’ve been opened.”

I sigh heavily. “Yeah.”

“That’s weird,” she says slowly. “Normally, mail is returned un opened. Why would Fed read the letters then send them back?”

“Maybe it wasn’t Fed who read them.”

She purses her lips in thought.

“Don’t worry, there’s nothing incriminating in them,” I assure her.

She nudges me with her elbow. “I didn’t think there would be. But I do think it’s odd that someone would hold onto them for this long, read them and then send all of them back at once. I mean, you haven’t actually heard from Federico since he left, have you?”

“No,” I whisper, sadly .

“When did you send the last letter?”

I sift through the envelopes until I land on the very bottom one, and look at the postmark. “One month ago exactly.”

“Did you say anything in the letter that would give him a reason to send everything back?”

“I don’t know. Maybe…” I frown and stare at the wall.

“Listen…” Allegra gets to her feet and places a hand on my shoulder. “I’ll give you a moment but you know where I am if you want to talk about it. But, for what it’s worth, Tess, I think you held out for that boy long enough. If he was going to write you at all, it would have been within the first few weeks. I don’t think he’s going to come through. I know you’re hurting over him, but he’s not worth your tears.”

“Oh don’t worry,” I huff. “I haven’t cried for him at all.”

She smiles. “Good.” Then she walks back to the door. “Besides, he was just a friend at the end of the day. Friends come and go and you’ll always make new ones.”

“Yeah, I know.” I force a smile and bite back the words I really want to say: he was more than a friend and he always will be.

He was my first.

The pain of his rejection after what I gave to him cuts deep.

I wait until the door has closed before I take out the last letter I sent him. My lids scratch against my eyeballs as I read.

Hey Fed,

It’s been three years and I haven’t heard from you once. I know what you’re thinking: take a hint, Tess! Well, finally, I have. This is the last letter I’m going to send.

This is so bittersweet. I’ve never had many friends, as you know, and so this habit of writing to you, well, it’s been kinda nice. I’m going to miss sending you gossip from school and complaining to you about Antonio. (I doubt you’ll miss that though, huh?)

I don’t have many other people to talk to beside my sisters and my aunt. There is a girl at dance class I talk to a little. Her name’s Paige and she’s kinda sweet, but she isn’t you. You knew me better than anyone, and I miss that.

I sometimes wonder if you’ve changed much. I hope you’ve found some friends, maybe a girlfriend. I hope you’re happy.

Things are changing around here anyway. I have a recital coming up and my sister is engaged, so there will be wedding preparations to keep me busy. I have a horrible feeling that despite being allergic to it, I’m going to have to wear pink to the wedding *eyeroll* Apparently, wearing black as a bridesmaid is a bit of a faux pas.

Well, this is it Federico. I have no idea if you’ve read any of my letters, so if this is the only one you see, please know that I love you so much and miss you every day.

Take good care of yourself.

Yours always, Tess xxx

I close the box and place it on the bed, then I roll onto my stomach and bury my face in the comforter. I feel humiliated. The PO Box I sent the letters to belonged to a friend of Mrs. Falconi. If that had changed, why weren’t the letters returned to sender, unopened? I know in my bones that Fed received and read them. He simply chose not to reply. He chose to send them back, making it clear he’d read them all but didn’t think me important enough to put pen to paper for.

He betrayed me. After taking one of the most precious things a girl has to give, he then abandoned me. He lied.

Clarity slips through the haze of shame. Fed had coerced me into giving him my V card, by confessing his love for me, and promising we’d be together one day.

I know without a shadow of doubt Federico Falconi used me. He’s an asshole. But I can’t help but feel heartbroken at his rejection.

My jaw aches with bitterness and another face flashes into front of my lids. It’s the same face I saw when Federico took my virginity. Benito Bernadi. Fresh hatred floods my veins and I roll onto my back and stare at the ceiling.

God, I want to hurt Bernadi. It’s his fault Federico left. At least if Federico was still here, I could have confronted him on his asshole behavior. Or, I wouldn’t have felt obliged to sleep with him in the first place.

The worst part about this is, I can’t tell anyone. People still ask me what happened to Federico and his family, but I dare not speak a word of it. I only told Trilby I lost my virginity because she coaxed it out of me after revealing a shocking truth of her own. There’s no way I could tell Sera—she would shake her head at me and tut a lot. I couldn’t tell Bambi—she’d think it was disgusting. I couldn’t tell Allegra—she’d have heart failure. And there’s no way in hell I could tell Papa—he feels indebted to Cristiano for saving Trilby and would only want our family to be held in high regard now we’re so at the center of the Di Santo empire—he’d be ashamed to hear one of his Italian daughters was no longer pure.

I suddenly feel very tired. Lifting my knee, I point my foot at the box then shove it off the end of the bed. I hear the envelopes scatter across my bedroom floor. Then I close my eyes and drift off into a restless, weary sleep.