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I plucked the glass out of my hand. “I don’t know anymore.” My eyes welled up with tears and I cursed, cleaning up the glass. It was silent for a while and I couldn’t take it.

“Can I please… Please,” I begged. “Take an assignment?”

“No,” Niko said. “You’re not taking one until you properly sleep.”

That's the excuse you're using in front of Renee?

“I really, really messed up.” I threw the glass into the bin and washed my hands. “And I don’t know how to fix it.”

“Do you want to fix it?”

I let out a shuddering breath, blinking the tears away. “I can’t.”

Renee embraced me in a hug, and I tensed. “Cinth…” I had no idea she was this close to me. “You’re going to be okay. Whatever it is that happened between you two will sort out eventually.”

“She won’t look at me,” I repeated. I should have stopped when she went limp.

“Why don’t you tell us what happened, and we’ll try to give you some old people advice?”

I let out a small laugh and cursed again. Renee took my hand and led me to sit on the sofa with them, but I couldn’t get the words out of me.

“Did you injure her?” Niko asked.

“No,” I replied. I bit her lip, does that count?

“Did you sleep with her?”

That’s a big jump. I felt my face heat up and I covered my mouth with my hand, turning away. “No, gods.” But I think I would have done more to her if we weren’t interrupted… I should never be alone with her again.

“That’s too fast for Cinth,” Renee said. Exactly. “He probably just kissed her.”

How did she guess that so fast?

When I didn’t answer, Niko smiled. “Did you?”

Bloody hell, I hate this. “Yeah.”

Niko burst into laughter. “Demons below, Cinth.”

“Who kissed who first?” Renee leaned closer, a big grin on her face, eager to hear it all.

“I’m not really sure,” I muttered. I licked her lips, but she made me lick her tongue and then she pulled me in to kiss her, but I don’t know which one counts as who started it.

“But she kissed you back, right?” Renee asked.

I nodded, unable to meet their stares. “I lost control. And I shouldn’t have.”

“You were following your heart, Cinth,” Renee said.

Gross. That sounds so gross.

“You both must really like each other.”

“They do,” Niko confirmed.

“No,” I retorted. “We hate each other.”

Niko rolled his eyes. “Clearly.”

I shot him a glare and stood up. “Whatever, I was tired of her anyway.” I only want to be around her.

“No, Cinth, come back,” Renee called, as I began walking to my room.

“I don’t know what to do,” I said, gripping onto the handle of my door. I had to hold back from breaking it.

“She trusts you and she needs you, don’t throw her away like this,” Niko said.

Why would she trust me?

I shook my head. “I don’t even know if she actually wanted it or if it was just her feeling like she had to do it.”

“Had to do it?” Renee raised a brow.

“She hasn’t been around the best sort of people,” Niko briefly explained. “She has that mentality where she believes that when people show her kindness, it isn’t free.”

Renee’s eyes broke. “What? That’s—That’s terrible. ”

“It is,” I muttered, leaning on my door and sliding down to sit on the floor. “And I think that may be why she did it.”

Niko shook his head. “I’m not sure that’s true, Cinth. She really does like you.”

“Niko,” I started. “Cel liking me.” I slammed the back of my head on the door. “You know me, I’m not a good person. She sees me as that. She thinks I’m like them . I’m familiar to her.”

“No.” Niko’s voice was sharp. “You are not like Silias or whoever else has hurt her, you are nothing like them. Don’t you ever think that. Those people are vile.”

“Yeah, Cinth, I’ve known you for years. You’re a good person at heart,” Renee reassured me. “You just have a hard shell.”

“That's not what you thought last week, Niko,” I spat at him. “You were so angry, disgusted, and disappointed at what I am. You made it very clear that you don’t want me near her anymore.”

“I've known you most of your life, Cinth, I know that when you decide that you like someone, you'll protect them with your life, and with Celestine, it's much more different because you love her.”

Everyone needs to stop throwing that word around like it means anything to me.

“I was angry at you before,” he continued, “because I believed that you put her in danger intentionally, but I had a chat with Jerome earlier today and he helped me understand the situation better.” He let out a breath.

“I know you're struggling internally with your emotions and at that time, so much was happening all at once and I didn’t know what to think.” He paused.

“I know I said that I wanted to see the remorse you have for what you've done and I have been noticing it.

You haven't slept, you've barely been eating, and now you're confiding your thoughts with Renee and me, which is very mature of you to do… You've got good in you, Cinth, and I’m sorry that I said otherwise. ”

I shook my head, I know what I am. I’m a bad person, perhaps not as bad as Silias only because of the limits I’ve given myself. “Regardless, I’m still mean and harsh with her,” I cursed. “And the worst part is that she actually enjoys it when I get aggressive with her.”

Renee giggled. “You really found your other half.”

“Renee, that’s not what I meant,” I muttered. “She’s been so traumatised, she enjoys being in pain and I’ve been so traumatised, I enjoy giving it to her.” They were the only two living people who knew about my past. “That’s wrong, isn’t it?”

Niko pursed his lips. “I think you may be overthinking all of this. It’s all happened so fast, and this is new territory for you. You need time to process it all.”

The thing is, it didn’t happen fast. “I wanted to kiss her for so long.” Did I just say that out loud? “But she’s been through a lot, and I don’t want to take advantage of her.” I still don’t know the full story of what she’s been through.

“Okay, but look, the fact that you are acknowledging that shows you have control. You haven’t lost it like you thought.” Niko smiled.

“But I did lose it, Niko, every time I’m around her, it takes all my energy to stop myself.” This was so humiliating.

“What do you think would help, then?” he asked.

I shook my head, pulling my hoodie further down my face. “I don’t know. I think I just need to let go once and I’ll have control again.”

“No, no, Cinth, you are not going to sleep with her because you think that’ll make everything go back to normal,” Renee scolded.

“Then, I need to stay away from her.” Though, that has proven to drive me insane.

Niko rolled his eyes. “Those are two very extreme options.”

They’re the only options I can think of without killing her. “Did I take advantage of her?” I asked them .

Niko shook his head. “I’ve seen you with Celestine, you both look so alive around each other. She’s really comfortable around you and anyone can see that she likes you a lot.”

“If she likes me, then why is she avoiding me?”

“She’s probably just embarrassed and doesn’t know how to act anymore.” Celestine doesn't get embarrassed. “I told you before, her father and I knew you two would find each other again. You’ve had a special bond since you were kids.”

I took a moment to process his words and let out a deep breath. “What is she doing to me?”

They exchanged knowing looks, pursing their lips, before turning back to look at me. “Just relax and wait for her to talk to you,” Niko said. “It happened and you can’t change that.”

“Moira has your back,” Renee told me.

No, Moira really doesn't.

I couldn't do this anymore, this was no help. I didn't know why I told them so much. I got up and headed toward the training room, going completely psycho on the punching bag. I was tempted to meet Jerome and go on a rampage, because I needed the release.

Don’t feel anything for her.

Let her go.

Cel means nothing to me.

She’s a distraction.

Distraction.

A distraction from what?