Page 68 of Vampires of Eden

I’m comfortable being malnourished. I’ve been this way for two years and I’ve grown accustomed to it. I’m okay with what I see when I look in the mirror—the pale gauntness of my skin and the discoloration of my eyes. My weak muscles.

I’m fine with all of that. I accept it.

But hope? Yearning for something more than this and liking another purebred? It’s uncomfortable and confusing. It’s terrifying and I don’t want to do it.

At the same time, I can’t stop myself.

“So, what will you do?” Leoni asks. “Avoid him? Be mean to him again?”

Exhaling yet another heavy sigh, I lift my hand and massage the top of my head, driving my fingers beneath my loose bun. “No, of course not. I… I enjoy spending time with him. He makes melaugh.” He also smells like orange trees blossoming in the springtime, has beautiful, golden-brown eyes and an ass that looks great in whatever pants he’s wearing.

Fuck me.

I’m not saying any of this aloud because the fact that I’m even thinking it is ridiculous.

“Did you tell him about Josefina?”

“I did. Yesterday.”

“What did he say?”

I chuckle, dropping my hand. “That she was a ‘literal monster of a purebred’ and a nightmare.”

Leoni nods, still cupping her mug of tea. “Yes, that’s correct. She was awful to Puercoespín growing up—she made him cry a lot. I can’t even tell you why. Maybe… because Ansväd is wealthier and more internationally well-known than our father? She could have been jealous that they lived in Central Eden. I dunno.”

After calming my heart rate, I pop another strawberry into my mouth and speak around it. “Who can say?” Josefina is a complex and prideful vampire. I spent years trying to understand her and failed.

Finishing off her tea, Leoni stands from the table. “About liking Alexander, just… go with the flow, Danny. Don’t fight this. Trust your instincts.”

I laugh, mirthless as I reach across the table to grab one of her apple slices. “My instincts are trash.” Talking with him about Josefina yesterday drudged up these bitter feelings. It’s made me hesitant and uncertain. Paranoid that, if I stay on this path, history is doomed to repeat itself.

“How long are you going to punish and condemn yourself for a cruelty that someone else committed, Danny? Why are you still letting my sister have power over you?”

Damn. Her questions catch me off guard and I blink. “That’s unfair. I-I amnot?—”

“You are.” She pushes the plate of apple slices toward me, then goes to set her tea cup in the sink.

Leoni exits the kitchen, leaving me alone with the plate of apple slices, my tumultuous thoughts and a looming headache.

“You do it every single morning?” Alexander asks.

“I try to. My body gets stiff overnight, so I find that stretching and meditation help to loosen and warm me up. It sets my mind at ease, too.” Vigorously, I rub the sanding sponge along the edge of the chair seat. I’m sitting on the floor in the kitchen at Kat and Roland’s with my legs folded. Alexander is beside me, working on his own chair.

“I’ve never done yoga before,” he says, crouched and sanding the flat seat of his chair. “Never even considered it. When did you start?”

“Hm, about two years ago. In the aftermath of Josefina, it really helped me manage the pain and withdrawal.”

Alexander stops sanding. “How bad was it? The withdrawal.”

“It was…” My mind drifts back to that time. The muscle aches and spasms. Shooting pains in my abdomen and spine like someone carving at my insides with the sharpened tip of a knife. The sleepless and delirious nights with my incisors throbbing in hunger.

I wouldn’t wish that experience on my worst enemy.

“It was rough,” I tell him. I look up and his vivid eyes are serious and filled with concern. Empathy. “I’m okay now, relax.”

“That’s good,” he says, sounding unconvinced. “It’s terrible that she put you through something so awful.”

“Well, when you’ve been feeding from a vampire for many years and there’s an emotional attachment, it can also manifest biologically. It’s like, your nature is anticipating the next step—to be permanently entwined with this vampire. When that doesn’t happen, the outcome is devastating.”