Page 32 of Unwritten Vows

Liza

I’m certain Derrick has been dodging my calls for the past few days.

When he picks up, he sounds almost pained to talk with me, and it’s clear that he’s holding something back.

Daddy doesn’t seem concerned, and this doesn’t feel like something I can really discuss with him, so I just wait, somewhat helplessly. There’s not a lot more I can do.

Three nights later, he shows up at my doorstep. My father couldn’t care less about his presence. There’s nothing wrong , I tell myself, but even though we’ve only known each other for such a short time, there’s obviously something off about this right away.

“What’s up, Derrick? What’s going on?’ I ask as soon as he crosses the threshold into my bedroom. I wrap my arms around myself in my oversized sweatshirt. He looks guilty of something already, and I just know the next words out of his mouth aren’t going to be any good.

“Liza, something super shitty is going to happen over the next few days. And I want you to know that it has nothing to do with you. It’s because of my life… I just don’t want things to go badly for you.”

I don’t want him to see me upset, but I can’t even help it. My entire face falls. “What are you talking about?”

He looks incredibly uneasy. At least I’m not the only one who’s being completely obvious . He looks downright distraught. I think he might actually turn around and run directly back out the door. He seems to be having serious second thoughts about being here.

“I can’t… I can’t be the reason you get hurt. I mean, I never wanted you to get hurt, but I didn’t think I’d end up caring about you too. And now I care about you and I might get you hurt…”

I cut him off before this ridiculous train of thought can go any further. “Derrick. You’re not making any fucking sense.” I didn’t even realize it before I started talking, but apparently I am very pissed off.

He’s so uneasy. His throat works and he shifts his feet, fidgeting with his hands in his pockets. He can’t even look me in the eye. Whatever’s coming, I know he doesn’t want to say it. And I know he thinks he has to.

“I’m putting you in danger, Liza. And I can’t do that anymore. I’m sorry.”

I knew it would be bad news, but I didn’t think it would be this bad.

Is he breaking up with me? Just after we got engaged?

I feel so stupid. I feel dirty. Used. But most of all, I’m shocked.

I’m shocked that he’s doing it, but I’m also shocked that it’s even surprising to me.

You knew who he was, Liza. This is your fault, too.

Still, I feel the ridiculous urge to check and make sure I’m right. I hate that I’m doing this, but I let out a staggered breath and ask him. “What are you… what are you saying?” I feel a tear hit my cheek, and I’m very frustrated that I’m sad, but the feeling is undeniable.

I see him warring with himself, looking half like he wants nothing more than to run away, but half like he can’t bear to move a muscle from this room.

“Listen, I don’t want to say anything that would make you…

what I mean is…” He seems so torn. It’s clear that he’s winging this.

That he came here knowing what he wanted to tell me, but not at all how he wanted to say it.

I see his face turn grim and he lets out a frustrated sigh.

“Oh, fuck it.” Finally, he looks me square in the eye.

“I care about you. If I didn’t care about you, this would be so easy.

I wouldn’t worry so much about your safety, and I’d just put you in the hands of people I figured more capable.

We would have a long distance relationship until the threat was gone.

But I do care about you, Liza. And I need to either be honest now or suffer the consequences of losing you in one way or another. ”

I try to blink my tears away, but another one plops down my cheek despite my best efforts. I hate them. I hate what they show him about me, especially since he might just be making all of this shit up. Do you really know him, anyway?

I can tell there’s more to this, and I don’t want to believe he’s lying, but at this point, nothing should surprise me. “This can’t just be the threat. Is it because you got what you wanted from me?”

His face pales a bit and he closes his eyes, as if in pain.

“Of course you would think that.” Finally, he comes to me and hugs me.

And I just fucking let him, allowing a long sigh to rattle out of me and into his chest. He still smells so fucking good.

How dare he come here to deliver this shitty news smelling this good?

I feel like I have so much to say, but I can’t get a word out, so he ends up speaking again. “I’m not breaking up with you. I’m not breaking the engagement right now. In fact, if it did happen, it would be you doing it.”

I back up from him and push him away. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

He sighs in exasperation. “Liza, it’s so fucking complicated.

But it’s not because I got what I want. I want to be with you.

But there are… factors beyond my control…

” He drifts off, and I truly want to believe that his indecision is because he can’t tell me anything, like he says, and not just a big act.

I sober immediately. I haven’t been hysterical, but now I’m not crying at all, and I’m barely even shaking. I want to grill him to gauge his honesty, so I’m blunt with my words. “Edoardo’s been at odds with my dad for years. If he’s after me, you’re not the reason.”

He blinks at me, as if stunned by my logic. “Maybe in the past that would have been true. But this time… you’re wrong. I know I’m putting you in danger because I was told that I am.”

I’m confused for a moment, and then slightly disgusted. I step even further away from him. “Did you talk to him? How could you possibly know that?” I ask in an accusatory tone.

He lets out a huff of breath, as if he has the right to be frustrated with me . “Do you think I like any of this? Does it look like I’m having a great time?”

I cross my arms and ask him directly. “Did you meet with him?”

He looks angry and helpless at the same time but eventually he flops his arms to his sides and deflates.

“I can’t talk about this. I shouldn’t have even come here tonight to explain, and if you tell your father about this, I might get in deep shit.

Just know that I’m trying to find the best option.

And I’m not giving up hope, but I had to tell you…

I might have to do some things you don’t like. ”

My exhale is loud and impatient. “I’m not great at waiting. How long?”

He finally meets my eyes. “I don’t know.” His voice is so goddamn sincere, especially when he says his next words. “You’re lucky, sweet little Liza. You don’t even know how lucky. Your father loves you. Most of us in this life don’t have that.”

It feels like it’s time for him to leave, even though neither of us want him to. But this conversation feels like it’s hit a dead end. Like there’s nothing more we can say here. As he turns to exit though, I think of just one more thing.

“I’m not going to let it go, Derrick. I won’t tell my father. And I’ll wait as long as I can.”

“You don’t have to do that,” he tosses out, without turning around. “Our lives are going to change. Your father will be pissed over the rumors. I’m going to have to do things… it’s not gonna look good, Liza.”

I sniff my stupid tears away and draw myself back up as he watches me out of the corner of his eye. I’ve had to deal with my father keeping things from me my entire life.

I wipe my face with my hands and stick my chin out like I always do when I’m feeling indignant. “You better not be fucking lying to me, Derrick. I’ll wait until I feel like you are.” He’s still within reach, so I do it; I lean over and grab his hand.

He says nothing, just nods and walks out.