Page 4

FOUR

MOIRA

I clutch my phone in a white-knuckled grip and stare down at the screen at a text from Anna, my brother’s saint of a fiancée:

ANNA: Come to the club tonight. Domhn and I will be there.

Huh.

I don’t know why Anna is suddenly willing to risk my brother’s wrath by inviting me anywhere, but I’ll take the W.

It’s been a shit week. Ever since I bolted out of that church like a bat out of hell last weekend, I’ve been holed up in my apartment, watching mindless reality TV and subsisting entirely on coffee, stale Pop-Tarts, and regret. I needed to get away the second I sprinted outside those heavy wooden doors, practically diving onto the light rail a couple blocks away the moment it rolled up.

Why the fuck did I think that was a good idea? Crying in some rando church? Confessing my sins to an impossibly gorgeous man who probably went back to his priestly duties with a sigh of relief that the weird, sobbing sinner left him alone?

I scrub a hand over my face and squeeze my eyes shut.

I used to have methods for dealing with my bullshit. Get an itch? Scratch it. A little fun in the club, or a little reckless adventure, maybe a semi-public fuck, and boom—distraction achieved.

But now? Now, the itch is a wildfire under my skin.

I’ve tried to get satisfaction. Believe me, I tried . I pulled out every trick in the book, not to mention every toy in my arsenal. Let’s just say my best vibrator and I have been in an exclusive relationship this past week, and even then—nothing.

That stupidly hot new dom ruined me in just one night after a whole year of not being able to come. He woke something up inside me.

And I hate him for it.

Because what the fuck is the point of glimpsing nirvana if you can’t fucking find it again?

I just need to get back to my old self.

And Anna’s invitation has to mean something , right? A tether to my old life. It’s a sign I’m not completely excommunicated from everyone I love. If Anna’s reaching out, maybe—just maybe —Domhn’s softening. Maybe this is the first step to him talking to me again, even if he never forgives me.

I stuff my phone in my pocket before I can overthink it and shove out of my car, heading inside the club before I lose my nerve.

One of the new bouncers, Kit, grins at me as I walk up. I wink at him and throw a little bounce in my step. He’s new and still starry-eyed about the place. I gave him a couple welcome rides when he started; he’s not bad, just nothing to write home about.

“Miss me?” I tease, trailing a finger down his arm as I pass.

“Always,” he grins at me. Men are simple creatures.

Inside, the thrum of bass vibrates through my bones, the music sinking into my skin like a second heartbeat.

And then I spot everyone. For the first time all week, the weight in my chest eases. The whole gang’s here. Is it weird that we hang out just to hang in the lounge of a BDSM sex club? I’ve obviously never given a shit about weird in my whole life, so no.

I should kiss Anna for inviting me. If she weren’t already head-over-heels for my brother, I’d consider it. She’s hot and a little nuts, so we have that in common. She’s got DID—dissociative identity disorder. Anna’s cool and all, but I gotta say, her alter, Mads, is a really fun time.

I weave through the crowd toward our usual lounge area, past familiar faces and whispered greetings.

I slide into the seat beside Kira and immediately clock the situation with her bodyguard, Isaak. She’s been having stalker problems, and Isaak’s just started a security firm, so he took the case.

But the way his arm is draped possessively over the back of her chair? It’s giving more than just bodyguard vibes. His whole body is turned toward her like he’s got some primal need to keep everyone else the fuck away.

I arch a brow at him. He rolls his eyes.

Interesting.

“Moira!” Kira leans in and hugs me like she actually means it.

I squeeze her tight, trying to ignore how good the human contact feels.

I let her go before I do something weird like burrow into her shoulder like a cat in need of warmth. “How’s life, darling?” I wiggle my brows, flicking a glance at Isaac.

Kira blushes. Blushes. She’s only a year older than me, but she’s got that whole buttoned-up professor thing going on, which makes teasing her that much more fun.

“You gettin’ some, huh?” I rock my hips against the chair and make some truly obscene noises.

“Moira,” a voice cuts through the conversation. Sharp. Cold.

My whole body locks up before I even turn my head.

Domhnall, my brother.

I force myself to look at him. He’s got Anna curled in his lap, arms wrapped around her like she’s something precious.

There’s naked contempt in his eyes as he looks at me. Not annoyance. Not frustration. Contempt.

Anna glances between us, frowning. I can see it in her face; she hates this. She starts to say something, but Domhn just turns away.

Like I don’t exist.

He murmurs something in Anna’s ear, making her giggle and snuggle closer. He tucks a piece of hair behind her ear, the picture of a devoted fiancé.

I try not to stare.

Anna’s the best thing that’s ever happened to my brother. I know people think my relationship with Domhn is weird, that my exhibitionism and lack of shame must mean something, but I do have boundaries . He’s my brother. That’s it. That’s all.

I just…

I just wish someone would love me like that one day.

Because whatever that is—the easy way they fit together, the way they always seem to exist in their own little world—that’s not something I’ve ever had. Not something I ever thought I wanted .

But maybe that’s because I never thought it was possible for someone like me.

That chasm inside me cracks open a little wider, a yawning void that no amount of sex or fun or recklessness has ever been able to fill.

Because there’s nothing inside me.

Certainly, nothing worth adoring.

“So, what have you been up to?” Kira asks me.

I grin back at her, and I make sure it stretches ear to ear. Fuck all that maudlin shit for now. I’m in party-Moira mode. Light-hearted. Fun . I twirl the end of one of my pigtails. “Oh, you know, the usual—fucking around and getting fucked.”

She laughs, shaking her head. “I’ve always admired how... free you live.”

“Oh, honey, don’t.” I kick my heels up on the table and smirk. “I’ve just got you all snowed. I’m the great and powerful Oz.” I wiggle my fingers at her. “Pay no attention to the emotional disaster behind the curtain.”

Quinn peels herself away from the chair she was sitting in beside Domhn and Anna to join us. Finally. Something interesting. She’s my oldest friend and the only woman I know who isn’t side-eyeing me, wondering if I’m about to steal her man. Not that I ever would. But some girls get twitchy when their boyfriends so much as look at me, the dangerous, self-admitted sex addict.

“Taking a night off, gorgeous?” I ask, eyeing the way Quinn moves like a panther even when she’s off duty.

She perches on the edge of a leather chair like a queen on her throne, all perfect posture and coiled power. Meanwhile, I’m splayed out like a lazy cat in the sun. She shrugs. “It’s nice to chill here without my boot halfway up a sub’s ass, you know?”

I snort. “Isn’t that shit exhausting ?”

Quinn shakes her head. “It’s not that bad. Most of them are harmless little puppies who just want to worship you. The trick is weeding out the ones who secretly hate women.”

“How do you tell the difference?” Kira’s practically vibrating with curiosity. If she had a notepad, she’d be scribbling furiously.

Quinn waves a dismissive hand. “You get a vibe. But even I get it wrong sometimes. That’s why I never meet clients at home. Always at the club.”

Kira tilts her head. “What about your own love life?”

Quinn scoffs. “I can’t afford a love life for the next five years.”

I lean in, intrigued. “Five years? Why so specific?”

Quinn rolls her eyes at me. “Because, unlike some of us, I have to work for a living. I’m out to get my bag.”

“And then what?” I prop my chin in my fist, staring her down. “Gonna retire before you’re thirty? You make good money working for my brother. I always assumed you dommed at night because you liked it.”

“I domme at night because I get paid six hundred dollars an hour.”

I smack the table. “ Holy shit. ”

How have I never asked this after knowing her for four years?

Quinn smirks at my dropped jaw. “And that’s before the paypigs.”

Kira’s eyes light up like she’s just discovered a new species. “I’ve read about that! You have financial submissives?”

Quinn shrugs, looking smug as hell. “If men want to worship me by throwing money at my feet, who am I to deny them the privilege?”

“But do you like being a domme?” Kira asks, then immediately backtracks, hands twisting nervously. “I mean… like… is it natural for you?”

Quinn’s smirk flickers, just for a second. “I like being able to manipulate power dynamics in my favor. I’m good at reading people. It’s a means to an end.”

“But Domhn says you’re really good at your day job. Couldn’t you make just as much money if you tried to, I don’t know, start your own company?” I narrow my eyes at her. “I think you do this for a reason. You’re not just good at being in control. You like it. You need it.”

There’s an uncomfortable silence as Quinn sits up in her chair, foot going back to the floor as she squares her shoulders to turn toward me.

Oh, shit. Did I just stick my foot in my mouth? I always go too far.

Quinn’s eyes glitter. “You bet your ass I need to be in control if I’m having any sort of intimate interaction with a man.”

I nod. Huh. So, is it just about men? “I have noticed that you’ve been taking on more female clients lately.”

“Is it ’cause you swing that way?” Marcus interrupts from across the table, grinning like an idiot.

Quinn flicks the cherry from her whiskey sour at his forehead. He ducks—too slow.

Ping.

Marcus snatches the cherry from his lap and tosses it in his mouth, winking.

“Ugh,” Quinn groans, rolling her eyes so hard they almost fall out of her skull.

“So what about after your five-year plan,” Kira asks. “What then?”

Quinn digs the toe of her boot into a crack in the concrete. “I just want to find my sister and then disappear somewhere by a beach. She deserves the good life from here on out.”

The energy shifts. Becomes heavy. Weighted. Quinn rarely talks about her sister, and we all know why. The system separated them, and then they lost her sister. How do you lose a person? And the state had the fucking nerve to act like she never existed. Quinn hacked the system herself trying to find her, got thrown in jail for it, and my brother pulled strings to get her out early. But her sister? Still missing.

Kira, ever the innocent academic, asks the worst possible question. “Where is she?”

Quinn’s head snaps up, her glare like a dagger. “If I knew, Kira, I wouldn’t be looking for her , now would I?”

Oh, shit .

Quinn exhales sharply, drags her hands through her hair, then mutters, “Sorry.” She flicks a glance Kira’s way, gaze softening. “I need a drink. You want anything?”

Kira just shakes her head, looking guilty.

Quinn stomps off, and Anna hops off Domhn’s lap to follow her. I jump up, too. No sex for me tonight, but who cares? I’m trying this friendship gig, right?

At the bar, I lean on a stool while Quinn orders a round of shots.

“Maybe we should all go bar-hopping together. Just us girls,” I suggest, buzzing with the idea of this whole girl bonding thing.

Kira pops up beside me. “Or we could have a night in and do mani-pedis.”

I stick my finger in my mouth and fake gag. “Barf. Who’s gonna fuck me in the bathroom during mani-pedi night?”

Kira laughs like I’m joking. I just stare at her, head tilted. Bitch is literally wearing a cardigan to a sex club. It’s like she grew up in a two-parent household or some shit.

Then she waves a fluttering hand. “I mean, I can’t anyway until this stalker thing calms down.”

I pat her awkwardly on the shoulder. Am I… comforting someone ? “I trust Isaak. He’ll keep you safe.”

Quinn slides shots into our hands. “Slippery nipple. Bottoms up.”

I slam mine back, enjoying the warm burn. “Aye!”

Quinn and Anna do the same, and finally, finally , Kira downs hers, only to start coughing and sputtering like she just swallowed pure lava.

I laugh so hard that I nearly fall off my stool. Now this —this is what I needed.

Maybe I don’t need my brother’s approval. Maybe I don’t need the past to stop hurting. Maybe I just need… this .

Then I shake my head.

Nah.

“Shut up, shut up!” Quinn hisses, waving her next shot in the air. “Jinx and Gemini are on stage. I want to support them.”

I look up to see Jinx bending Gemini over a spanking bench, a wicked-looking leather whip in hand.

“Jesus,” I whisper.

“I know,” Quinn breathes, eyes glinting as she hurries back toward the lounge.

Kira follows her, and I’m about to when Anna suddenly grabs my forearm.

I look at her questioningly, but she just keeps tugging on my arm as she nods toward a hallway, quickly glancing back at Domhnall. I do, too. His attention is momentarily taken by what’s happening on stage, so Anna tugs me even more urgently until I turn back and follow her out of the main room.

“What’s up?” I ask.

Anna just shakes out her shoulders and her hair like she’s shuddering. “Fuck, it’s exhausting when I pretend to be her. She’s such a fucking Pollyanna.”

My eyes widen. “Mads?”

Oh, yay, I love it when Mads pops out. I like Mads. Mads is fun.

She nods as she breathes and slouches against the wall, eyes sliding my way. “Hey. Missed you, kid.”

A million questions clog my throat, all of them fighting to be first. What manages to stumble out is, “How come you’re here?”

She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a joint, rolling her shoulders as she lights up.

I laugh in surprise. “You can’t smoke in here!”

“Eh, who’s gonna stop me?”

“Caleb, for one. He lost his shit when I brought weed brownies in here once.”

She barks out a laugh. “Everybody plays by the rules so hard around here.” She takes a long drag, her head sinking back against the wall as she exhales through her nose.

“Why’d you text me?”

Because now, of course, I realize it was her, not Anna.

She turns her head lazily toward me and grins before bumping my shoulder with hers. “I meant it. I missed you, kid.” She takes another long inhale, holding the smoke in her lungs before blowing it out slowly. “Plus, all Domhn’s friends fucking hate me. But they love Anna.” She rolls her eyes. “You’re the only one I can talk to. A bitch needs some friends out here, ya know?”

I do, more than she knows.

“I am your friend,” I assure her automatically. “You can always text or call me to hang out or just, ya know, talk.”

She nods. “That’s good to know, kid.”

She stubs the joint out on the bottom of her shoe, then turns to face me more directly. “I always wondered about you, you know? I wanted to meet you so bad… back then.” A shadow crosses her face, but she shrugs it off quickly like it was never there. Like nothing in the world could touch her. “But I never wanted any of that shit to get to you, so whenever Domhn suggested we go back to his place, I always made up an excuse.”

Then she reaches out and grabs my face under the chin, her eyes locking on mine. “But that doesn’t mean I didn’t dream about meeting you, ya know? You’ve always been the most important thing to him. And that makes you important to me. You understand? I want to know you. I want us to be friends.”

“I’m your friend,” I assure her again, reaching up to grasp her forearm, squeezing it while I look back into her intense gaze. “I swear it, Mads. Whatever you need, I’m there.”

She grins and lets go of my chin, then noogies the top of my head with her fist. “Yeah, I knew you would be.”

“Hey,” I laugh and pull back, hands going to my carefully arranged hair. “You’ll mess up my hair.”

She rolls her eyes. “It’s time to let go of the pigtails, honey.”

“Never! They’re my signature. Plus, they’re sexy.”

“To creepy perverts.”

“What if I like creepy perverts?” I waggle my eyebrows. “Maybe I am a creepy pervert.”

She chuckles in that low way of hers that’s so different from Anna’s laughter. “I always knew we’d be two peas in a pod.” She holds out the joint to me. I’ve just taken it and am leaning in for her to light me up when a loud voice booms down the hall.

“What the hell is going on down here?”

Fuck. I know that voice.

It’s Domhnall.

I yank back right as I’ve sucked in half a puff from the lit joint and quickly try to put it out on the bottom of my shoe. But I’m not nearly as practiced as Mads and nearly burn a hole through the side of my cloth Mary Janes before managing to smother it on the rubber of my sole.

“Anna? What’s going on?” Domhn asks as he approaches.

Mads steps in front of me protectively and pops a hip. “What crawled up your ass? I don’t need your permission to talk to my friend.”

“Mads,” Domhn says, his voice suddenly cool. “How long have you been here?”

Mads twirls the bottom of her hair on her finger.

“Jesus, it’s been you all night, hasn’t it?” Domhn storms up to her, only stopping when he’s right in her face.

“Hey, let off her,” I say, moving around her to try to get between them, but Domhn silences me with one of his terribly icy looks.

“Don’t,” he bites, “get between me and my wife.”

I feel my eyes go wide. Shit. This night is just full of surprises. “When did you guys get married?”

“We haven’t,” Mads pipes up.

Domhn yanks on the lapels of his jacket as he turns back to her. “You know we already may as well have. You’re my wife in all but paperwork. Why won’t you just tell me when you switch, Mads? How many times have I told you it’s fine with me. Now, let’s get back home. I think it’s been enough adventure for one night.”

Mads pouts, and even I can tell it’s a barely skin-deep manipulation tactic. She’s playing with him and wants him to know it. It’s fascinating to watch the two of them together. She’s so much more confrontational than Anna. “But I want to stay and play.” She arches an eyebrow and leans into his body. “Don’t you want to play with me, Donny?”

“Not with her here,” Domhnall growls, obviously softening to her wiles, gesturing toward me with the barest tilt of his head.

“I’ll leave,” I pipe up.

“No one was talking to you,” Domhnall bites. “Because you’re already gone. My sister is dead to me.”

I back away from the pair of them and do my best to pretend he didn’t just bludgeon me in the chest with his words.

“Domhn,” Mads says sharply, but I shake my head at her and give a lame wave before turning and trying to walk away without looking like I’m running.