Page 30 of Unholy Confessions (The Paper Rings Trilogy #1)

Montgomery

Two Weeks Later

"How is he?"

EJ has asked me to meet him for dinner at Hattie B's. One of mine and RJ's favorite places to eat back when we were best friends in high school. This is where we first talked about his mental health struggles, where he promised me he'd tell others about it.

This feels like a full-circle moment.

And right now EJ looks so much like his brother it makes my heart clench in my chest. RJ's been in rehab for a week, but it feels like a lifetime.

He hasn't asked to speak to me, and I haven't wanted to push that boundary. I know he's doing hard things, necessary things.

"It's rough. They're trying to figure out a good treatment plan for his ADHD and depression without the narcotic medication he was taking."

I'm pushing my chicken fingers around on the plate.

Typically this place makes my mouth water, but right now it's making my stomach hurt.

"Is that all he was doing?" I finally get up the nerve to ask.

"Because there toward the end, it felt like something completely different had taken over for him. "

EJ takes a drink of his Coke, shaking the ice and looking out at the street. "Yeah, he'd moved on to harder drugs. As far as I know cocaine, but who knows. He hasn't exactly been an open book for any of us the past few months."

Appetite gone, I push my plate away and sigh. "What exactly did you want to meet me for?"

He shifts in his seat. "I have some things I want to talk to you about, and I want you to hear me out completely before you say anything."

God I don't like the sound of this, but I'm willing to at least listen. "Okay."

"When he gets out, we'll be going on the European leg of the tour, he will have support, but I don't think you should be a part of that support."

The words hit me like a physical blow. I feel my mouth drop open, heat flooding my face as anger surges through me. "Excuse me?"

EJ holds up his hand. "Montgomery, you said you'd hear me out?—"

"No." I slam my hand on the table, causing it to rattle. "You don't get to sit there and tell me I can't be there for him. I'm the only one who's been there for RJ through all of this. Where were you when he was spiraling? Where were any of you?"

"That's exactly the problem," EJ says, his voice frustratingly calm.

"The problem?" My voice is getting louder, and I can feel other diners starting to look our way, but I don't care. "The problem is that I loved him enough to stay? That I didn't abandon him when things got hard?"

EJ raises his eyebrows at me, and something in his expression makes my stomach drop. "I talked to Skylar yesterday."

My blood runs cold. Skylar. My best friend who knows every doubt I've ever had, every moment of weakness, every tear I've cried over RJ's behavior these past months.

"Can you honestly sit there and tell me you were one hundred percent in that relationship?" EJ continues, his voice gentle but relentless. "Can you tell me there wasn't a part of you that was already checking out?"

The question hangs in the air between us like a grenade with the pin pulled. I want to lie. I want to scream at him that of course I was all in, that I never doubted RJ, never doubted us. But the words stick in my throat because we both know they wouldn't be true.

"I..." I start, then stop, my hands trembling as I reach for my water glass. "That's not fair."

"Isn't it?" EJ leans forward, his elbows on the table. "Montgomery, you're a good person. You have a good heart. But these past few months? The two of you have gone through the ringer, and if you were thinking about getting out, then there's a reason for that."

Tears prick at my eyes, and I hate that he's right. I hate that somewhere along the way, loving RJ had started to feel like work, like an obligation rather than a choice. Love isn't supposed to be hard, but it was starting to get there.

"He needs me," I whisper, but even to my own ears it sounds hollow.

"Does he? Or do the two of you need to take some time apart?"

The question cuts deep, exposing a truth I've been running from for months. Because wasn't that exactly what Skylar and I were discussing?

"You don't understand," I say, but my voice lacks conviction. "What we have?—"

"What you had," EJ corrects gently. "Montgomery, when was the last time you were truly happy with him? Actually happy?"

I open my mouth to answer, but no words come. It should've been the day at the zoo, but even that was up in the air. The realization hits me like a truck, stealing my breath and making my chest tight.

"He's going to get better," EJ continues. "But he needs to do it for himself, not because he feels obligated to be the person you fell in love with in high school. And you... you deserve to be with someone who doesn't make you question what they're doing every single day."

"But I love him," I say, and I hate how pathetic I sound.

"I know you do. But Montgomery, love isn't enough. Not when it's killing both of you."

I stare down at my hands, wishing like hell that RJ was sitting across from me, and he'd wrapped that straw paper around my finger.

"He doesn't even want to see me," I admit quietly. "It's been two weeks, and he hasn't asked for me once. I called to see if he had."

EJ nods slowly. "Maybe that should tell you something."

The tears I've been holding back finally spill over, and I swipe at them angrily. "So what, you want me to just give up on him? Walk away like we didn't mean anything to one another in the last seven years?"

"I want you to be honest with yourself about what's best for both of you.

" EJ's voice is kind but firm. "RJ needs someone who doesn't doubt him, who believes in his recovery one hundred percent.

And if you can't be that person—if you can't look at him and not see all the ways he might disappoint you again—then for the benefit of everyone involved, you need to let him go. "

The silence stretches between us, filled with the clatter of dishes and the murmur of other conversations. I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a cliff, and EJ is asking me to jump.

"What if I regret it?" I ask, my voice barely above a whisper.

"What if you regret not doing it?"

I think about the past few months, hell even the last few weeks.

About the constant anxiety, the walking on eggshells, the way I've started to shrink myself smaller and smaller, trying not to trigger him, trying not to be too much or too little or too anything.

I think about the girl I used to be before I became Montgomery-who-loves-RJ, before my entire identity became wrapped up in saving someone who maybe didn't want to be saved.

"The European tour starts in five weeks," EJ says. "If you're going to make this decision, you need to make it soon. He's going to need time to adjust, to learn how to be himself without you there as a safety net."

I nod, not trusting my voice. Because somewhere deep down, I know he's right.

I know that what RJ and I have been doing isn't love—not anymore.

It's codependency dressed up in romantic language, two people clinging to each other not because they want to but because they're afraid of what happens if they let go.

"I need time to think," I finally manage.

"Of course." EJ signals the waitress, asking for a to-go box. "But Montgomery? Whatever you decide, make sure it's because it's what you want, not because you think it's what you owe him."

As we leave the restaurant, I feel like I'm walking in a daze. The southern heat hits me like a wall, but I barely notice it. All I can think about is EJ's question: when was the last time I was truly happy with RJ?

And the terrifying thing is, I still can't come up with an answer.