Page 3 of Unholy Confessions (The Paper Rings Trilogy #1)

M y lips are burning as I run into the house and lean against the closed door, a smile spreading across my face.

"Was that RJ?"

Glancing up, I put my hand over my mouth. "Yeah Dad, it was. What are you doing? Spying on me?"

He rolls his eyes, giving me a grin. "I'm not spying on you. I was walking by the damn door, and you came in with a grin on your face, ignoring the fuck outta me."

How embarrassing. He saw me right after my first kiss. "Love you, Dad." I give him a wave.

"No, hang on." He reaches out, grabbing my arm. "Your mom told me you were asking her questions the other day about RJ. I wanna talk to you."

Shit. A. Brick.

"Dad..."

He raises his eyebrows and points toward the living room.

If there's one thing Jared Winston does well besides playing guitar in a rock band, it's suss out bullshit from teenagers.

I've never told him no, and I'm not about to start now.

When we get into the living room and each have seats on the couch, he turns to face me.

"Tell me what's going on. Some of the things your mom said, has me worried."

My stomach aches as I look at him, trying to figure out how to explain everything that's been happening. "Things with RJ have been weird, he's been different."

"How so?"

Now is the moment when I need to make the decision. Am I going to tell him about the fighting? About him not being able to sleep at night? How he seems to be getting more annoyed lately, how he can't concentrate? "Dad..." I start.

He reaches out, grabbing my hand. This is the man I've looked up to my entire life.

I know he's had issues with substances and alcohol.

Twice he's had to leave us to go to rehab.

My parents have always been honest with me about it.

His struggles aren't hidden in our family, and I feel as if it's made us stronger.

"Montgomery it's important you be honest with me. If RJ needs help, I wanna make sure he gets it."

My throat tightens and my heart pounds. Why do I feel as if I'm betraying RJ? But I know, having lived with my dad, that what he's saying is true.

I take a deep breath, studying Dad's face.

His dark eyes are serious, and there's something in them that reminds me of the conversations we had when I was younger, when he'd explain why he had to go away for a while.

He always said that asking for help wasn't weakness – it was courage.

That recognizing when someone you love needs help is one of the most important things you can do.

"He's been fighting," I say quietly, the words feeling heavy as I push them out of my mouth. "There's this underground fighting thing happening in some warehouse downtown. I followed him there tonight."

Dad's face doesn't change, but I can see his jaw tighten slightly. "Fighting? Like, organized fights?"

"Yeah." I look down at my knuckles, remembering the way RJ's looked. "He says it's the only way he can think clearly anymore. That he needs to hurt and be hurt to feel normal."

"Jesus." Dad runs a hand through his hair. "How long has this been going on?"

"A few months, I think. Maybe longer." I force myself to look at him. "Dad, I'm scared. He's not sleeping well – he told me he's been up most nights. And he can't concentrate on anything. Even at school, his grades are slipping, and you know how smart RJ is."

"What else?" His voice is gentle but firm. "I can see there's more."

I swallow hard. These are things I told Mom, but it feels different telling Dad.

As if it's more permanent, and more serious.

"He's so angry all the time. Like, he gets irritated at the smallest things.

Last week, some kid at school accidentally bumped into him in the hallway, and RJ just exploded.

Started yelling about how everyone needs to watch where they're going, how people don't pay attention to anything. The kid was terrified."

Dad nods slowly, processing everything I'm telling him. "Hannah and Garrett? Do they know about any of this?"

"I don't think so." I shake my head. "Garrett's been doing so much lately.

Obviously you know the touring, but he's helping a few newer bands get off their feet.

" Dad nods. "When he is home, he's either in the studio or dealing with all that stuff.

RJ says he feels invisible in his own house.

And EJ..." I trail off, not wanting to make things worse.

"What about EJ?"

"He's gotten so wrapped up in his own band that he barely talks to RJ anymore. Tonight, when RJ dropped me off, he told me that EJ's band is playing at The Lounge next week, and he wasn't even invited. His own brother didn't invite him."

Dad's expression grows more concerned. "That's a big deal, playing The Lounge. That's not the kind of show you exclude family from."

"I know." My voice cracks a little. "Dad, I've never seen him like this. He's always been intense, you know? But this is different. It's like he's drowning and he doesn't know how to ask for help."

"And you've been carrying this alone?" Dad asks, his voice soft.

I nod, and suddenly tears are burning my eyes.

"I didn't know what to do. He's my best friend, and I love him, and I want to help him, but I don't know how.

Tonight, before we left the warehouse, he got in this fight with some guy who was talking about his family.

The way he hit him, Dad... it was like he wanted to hurt him as much as possible. "

Dad is quiet for a long moment, and I can practically see him thinking. His experience with his own struggles has made him incredibly perceptive when it comes to recognizing when someone is in trouble.

"You said he's not sleeping well," he says finally. "Is he eating?"

"Not really. I had to convince him to get Hattie B's tonight, and he told me he hadn't eaten all day. Just toast this morning."

"And the irritability, the inability to concentrate, the need for physical release through fighting..." Dad lists off the symptoms like he's checking boxes. "Montgomery, these are all signs of someone who's struggling with more than just teenage anger."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that RJ might be dealing with depression, or anxiety, or both.

The fighting, the lack of sleep, the isolation – these are all ways people try to cope when they're overwhelmed.

" He squeezes my hand. "You did the right thing telling me, sweetheart.

RJ needs help, and he needs it from adults who know how to get it for him. "

"But what if he hates me?" The question comes out in a rush. "We just... tonight we..." I feel my cheeks burning. "We kissed. For the first time. And now I'm telling you all this stuff about him. What if he feels like I betrayed him?"

Dad's grins, his eyes soft. "Yeah? The two of you? You've been destined to be together since you were kids."

"I've had feelings for him for a while now," I admit, embarrassed as hell. In fact I've never been more embarrassed than I am right now. "But tonight felt different. Like maybe he feels the same way. And now I'm terrified that I'm going to ruin everything."

"Montgomery, look at me." His tone tells me to do as he says. I meet his eyes. "You're not ruining anything. You're trying to save your best friend. Do you think RJ would want to keep going down this path? Do you think he's happy?"

"No," I whisper, tears pooling in my eyes. "He's miserable. He told me tonight that I'm the only good thing in his life right now."

"Then you telling me about this isn't betrayal.

It's love. It's recognizing that someone you care about is in pain and doing something about it.

How many times do you think your mom has come to me and told me this shit?

It's not an easy conversation for us, Montomgery.

But your mom does it because she loves me, she's concerned, and I feel that love more strongly, every single time she takes care of me," he says, softly.

I've never known this about my parents and while some people think it might make them weak, I know it makes them stronger.

I nod, wiping at my eyes. "So what do we do?"

"I need to talk to Garrett," Dad says decisively. "I know he's been busy with the tour, but this can't wait. RJ needs professional help, and he needs his family to step up and support him."

"You really think Garrett will listen?"

"Garrett's my best friend, and he loves his kids. Sometimes when you're in the middle of a tour like this, it's easy to lose sight of what's happening at home. But once he knows what's going on, he'll do whatever it takes to help RJ."

I feel a mixture of relief and terror. Relief that I'm not carrying this alone anymore, that adults are going to step in and help. Terror that RJ is going to find out I'm the one who told, and that he's going to hate me for it.

"What if RJ never forgives me?" I ask, my voice small.

"Then he's not the person you think he is," Dad says firmly. "But I know RJ, Montgomery. I've watched him grow up. He's a good kid who's going through a rough time. When he gets the help he needs, when he's thinking clearly again, he'll understand that you did this because you love him."

"I hope you're right."

"I am." Dad pulls me into a hug, kissing my forehead. "You're incredibly brave, you know that? It takes courage to speak up when someone you love is in trouble. A lot of people would have kept quiet, hoped things would get better on their own."

"I don't feel brave," I mumble into his shoulder. "I feel like I'm breaking a promise."

"No, sweetheart. You were keeping a promise. The promise to care about someone no matter what."

We sit there for a while, and I let myself feel the weight of what I've just done.

I've essentially started a chain of events that's going to change everything for RJ.

His parents are going to find out about the fighting, about his struggles.

He's going to have to get help, whether he wants it or not.

"When are you going to call Garrett?" I ask, needing a heads up so that I can prepare myself, in case he gets mad at me.

"Tonight. This can't wait." Dad pulls back to look at me. "I want you to know that whatever happens, you did the right thing. And if RJ gets angry, if he lashes out at you, you come to me. Okay?"

"Okay."

"And Montgomery? The fact that you two kissed tonight doesn't change anything.

You're still fifteen, and he's still sixteen, and you're both dealing with a lot of big emotions.

Don't put pressure on yourselves to figure out what that means right now.

It took me a lot of years, and a lot of therapy to understand how to deal with big feelings," he runs a hand through his hair.

"So when you have those, I want you to come to me, and I want to teach you how to deal with them better than I ever did. "

I nod, even though I know it's going to be impossible not to think about it. The kiss, the way it felt, the way RJ looked at me afterward – it's all burned into my memory. But Dad's right. There are bigger things to worry about right now.

"I'm going to go to bed," I say, standing up. "This has been... a lot."

"I love you, Montgomery. And I'm proud of you for caring so much about RJ."

"I love you too, Dad. I'd do this for you, too."

There's a strangle noise coming from his throat. "I know you would, and I love you for it."

As I head upstairs, my mind is racing. Tonight, everything is going to change. Dad's going to call Garrett, and RJ's going to find out that I told someone about the fighting. He's going to realize that I've been watching him, worrying about him, cataloging all the ways he's been struggling.

I get ready for bed mechanically, brushing my teeth and washing my face while my thoughts spiral. What if RJ feels like I invaded his privacy? What if he thinks I don't trust him to handle his own problems? What if he decides that I'm just another person trying to control his life?

But then I remember the look in his eyes tonight at the warehouse, the way his hands shook slightly when he thought I wasn't looking.

I remember how thin he's gotten, how the light seems to have gone out of his eyes over the past few months.

I remember him saying that fighting is the only way he can think clearly.

That's not the RJ I've known my whole life. That's not the boy who used to build elaborate forts with me in his backyard, who taught me how to skip stones at the lake, who always made sure I got home safely. That's a boy who's drowning, and I'm the only one who's been close enough to see it.

I climb into bed and stare at the ceiling, my lips still tingling from our kiss.

It was perfect – sweet and tentative and full of promise.

But now I'm terrified that it might have been our last kiss.

That tomorrow, when the adults step in and everything changes, RJ is going to look at me differently.

The worst part is that I know I'd do it again.

Even knowing that he might hate me for it, even knowing that it might ruin whatever chance we had at being more than friends, I'd still tell Dad about the fighting.

Because RJ's safety, his health, his life – that's more important than my feelings for him.

But that doesn't make it hurt any less.

I close my eyes and try to push down the fear that's clawing at my chest. Tomorrow, Dad's going to call Garrett. Tomorrow, RJ's going to find out that I broke his trust. Tomorrow, everything between us might change forever.

God willing, he'll be able to forgive me for what I've done...