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CHAPTER 29

MAX

A fter last night with Drew, I knew I needed to find another outlet for myself. It used to be dancing, but I need something new. I need something different. Something that isn’t at the gym since being around the men there is only making me crazier.

I’ve never done this before. Looking at the newly installed pole in my living room, I’m thinking I’m in over my head. The only dancing that’s ever mattered has been ballet. That’s the only “real”dancing, according to my family. And it’s the one thing I was allowed to do for myself.

Until it was taken away from me and was no longer for myself anymore. It was for someone else. Someone else’s pleasure. His desires, his needs. Dancing, the one thing I loved in this world that made me feel like myself was taken too.

I’ve never considered pole dancing before now. It’s for strippers and gogo dancers, neither of which I could ever be.

I never considered trying MMA fighting either, though. And yet, here I am. So, I bought the pole, installed it myself and swore to try it. I’ve seen videos, it looks difficult and I’m sure I’m going to end up covered in bruises.

But they will be bruises that I caused. No one else. And I’ll wear them like a badge of honor. As I start the music, the sultry sounds play from my speakers before the singer begins and it’s nothing like the ballet music I was forced to dance to. This is sexy, it flows through me, making me feel like I need to move.

So, without thinking about it too much I strip off my oversized shirt, leaving me in just a sports bra and leggings, I start to move the way the music demands. Rolling my body, grabbing the pole, swinging around it, holding it behind one knee as I spin.

I don’t think about what I’m doing or how it looks. I just let the music flow through me. I feel it all without any concern for anyone or anything in this moment. It’s only about me right now, as it should have always been.

I’m not sure how much time passes as I try and fail to do some moves that are pretty advanced on the pole. I also feel like I get some down pretty well, and for the little bit of time that I’m moving, I forget about everything else going on. I forget my past, and what’s currently going on in the present.

I’m able to just forget.

As soon as the music reaches the end of my playlist, it stops. The silence surrounds me once again, and everything floods back like a tidal wave. Including everything I've been trying not to think about.

The texts with Caine.

Drew sneaking in and fucking me while I slept.

Me asking him to.

I was half awake and all I knew was that I felt good, being touched felt good, the weight on me felt good and I wanted more. More friction, more pressure, more pleasure. I wanted more. I always want more apparently, because that’s what has caused my desire for things I’ve been told “aren’t normal.”

But they’ve seemed pretty normal recently. Especially from Caine, since he’s made it his life’s mission to push my boundaries. Including fulfilling the fantasies I’ve only spoken about to one person and was shamed for them.

Drew added to my fantasies last night, though. I don’t know how long he spent touching me while I slept, but when I slowly became aware, I could feel his hard, pierced cock sliding between my lower lips. My body was grinding against him already, and when he pushed his thickness inside me, I was awake and the only thing I could think about was that I didn’t want him to stop.

Unfortunately, it’s not just the good memories that flood in. The bad ones are right there, rippling across the surface of my mind.

“Sloppy,” Carson spits before the last beat of the music even plays.

I hide my heavy breathing from being forced to perform the number at least seven times at this point. Sweat dots my brow, the blisters on my feet are definitely bleeding. My muscles are aching, and I just want to take a break.

“Again,” he demands into his glass of bourbon.

“Can I just take a break for ten minutes? I need water and I’m really sore ? —”

“That’s probably why you’re so fucking sloppy, you’re taking breaks all the fucking time.”

I shake my head. “No, I’ve been training just as much as always, but I’m tired and I really just want to get some water.”

“Your mother told me how useless you are, but I didn’t want to believe her. Your pussy is mediocre at best and that’s your best quality. Do it again and prove why I’m agreeing to marry you in the first place.”

I get back into position as the music starts over, this time when I dance for him, I can’t stop the tears from falling down my cheeks and he just laughs. Drinks. Laughs. And I cry, wondering what I did to deserve this life.

I push myself off the floor and go to the kitchen, gulping down a full glass of water. Because I’m thirsty and want a break.

Because I can.

There are more messages from Caine on my phone that I left unread this morning. I’m annoyed that he said he’d leave me alone and yet, he can’t seem to keep his word. Not that I should expect any less, he’s delusional and a liar.

They both are.

And then there’s Adam, who I can’t quite figure out. One minute, he’s touching me in a way that feels like it’s more than helping me train. The next, he’s just as cold and distant as he has been. And still, I’m intrigued. Which I feel will only get me into even more trouble. I need to keep my head down and stop letting these men do these things to me.

That’s when I remember the distraction offer Danner made to have a slumber party. It’s something I’ve never done before, and it sounds kind of fun. It also sounds like the perfect thing, with its lack of testosterone, and that’s exactly what I need.

I send Danner a text, hoping that the offer still stands.

Max: So…how about that slumber party?

Danner: Fuck yes!

I end up going to her house, and I wasn’t sure what to bring, so I stopped at the store and got some snacks that looked good and some white wine. She told me to bring comfortable pajamas and a really soft blanket if I had one. I didn’t, so I got one of those as well.

Danner answers the door in some pink pajama shorts and a matching pink button-down pajama shirt that both look really soft. I give her my best smile, trying not to show how out of my element I am.

She looks down at my hands and lets out a “whoop” noise. “You brought wine! This is perfect, come on in.”

Her house is like a little cottage and it's cute, with the little pink accents helping break up the white of the space. She’s clearly spent time decorating it, and it makes me wish that I had the ability to turn a space into something that feels like this—homey and comfortable.

“I really like your house,” I compliment.

“Thanks. I used to want to be an interior designer, but…” She shrugs and I have a feeling she doesn’t want to talk about it. Something I’m very familiar with, so I’m happy to let it go.

“So,” I set the snacks and wine on the kitchen counter, “What does this night entail?”

“Well,” she starts, ticking her fingers as she lists things off, “First, we get full on junk food and a little tipsy on drinks. Then we share all our secrets, and finally we end the night watching a cheesy rom com before we pass out.”

I chuckle. “Okay, count me in.”

“Great, but first, go get changed because none of this can happen until you’re on the same level of comfort as me.”

Laughing, I grab my bag and go to the bathroom to change, already feeling good about my decision to hang out with her. Maybe having friends is a good thing. It only irritates me further that I was robbed of this experience up until now.

After I change, I find Danner, and she has a collection of food spread out, including what I brought. It looks like she has enough to feed an army. She presents it all with an arm extending out in front of her, showcasing the spread. “Ta da.”

“There’s no way we’re eating all of that,” I tell her lightly.

She waves me off. “I know, but we need options.” She hands me a glass of wine and holds hers up to toast, “To your first sleepover.”

We clink our glasses together and take our first sips. It’s the first time since coming here that I don’t feel the weight of anything on my shoulders. I can just…be me.

Once the first bottle of wine is gone, I realize I’ve laughed more in the span of a couple hours than I feel like I have in my entire life. Danner’s told me all the gossip from around town, which is mostly small, petty things like who doesn’t get along with who. Also, apparently my boss—George—is sleeping with a woman named Jennifer who owns a boutique just down the road from The Tavern.

I’ve avoided all talk about Uncaged, and the guys that go there, but of course, it was bound to come up.

“So, now it’s your turn to share,” she prods.

I take a healthy gulp of my wine to delay my response. “Nothing to share.”

She sighs. “If you say so. You’re training at the gym now, right?”

I nod. “Yeah, I wanted to learn some self-defense.”

“That’s badass. Do you like it?”

“I do, actually,” I answer honestly.

“I’ve thought about going, just for the eye candy, but I don’t think I’d like the actual training part.” She shakes her head.

“The training part is fun, once you figure out the logistics.”

“And the eye candy,” she goads with a wiggle of her eyebrows.

I look down into my glass with a small laugh. “That, too.”

“Fuck yeah it is. I won’t lie Cal and Xander have tempted me before, but...” She shakes her head.

“Xander?” I question, not sure I’ve heard of anyone there with that name.

“Oh, yeah, Alexander, whatever.”

“They’ve tempted you?” I attempt to tease.

“I mean yeah, you’ve seen them, and they have reputations. One I’m not wanting to add to.”

I should feel the same, yet I’ve found myself lost in my current situation and it feels like I’m on a high-speed train going straight for disaster. Though, I’m also not doing very much to stop it. Or if I really want to.

“I get that,” I say softly.

“Bet ya do.” She winks at me. “Now, let’s pick a movie.”