Page 33

Chapter Thirty-Three

Griffin's Beach Dax

O ne, two, three, four, and five.

“Dani?” Dax calls out gently as he opens the door Lex directed him to.

“Dax?”

He steps inside to find her sitting on a bed with the bedside lamp on, her knees tucked up to her chin. “Are you okay?”

“I think we need to talk.”

His stomach drops. “About what, exactly?”

“I'm not sure this is going to work, Dax.”

It feels like she just shot him through the heart with a .50 caliber bullet. “Don't say that,” he whispers. “Please, baby, don't.”

“I'm not the same person as before. I'm not the woman you married.”

“I'm not the same man, either.”

Tilting her head, she sighs. “I know you think-”

“I lost my fucking mind when I lost you. When I thought you were dead, I did everything and anything possible to die right along with you. I got us out of drugs with the fucking cartel. Do you know how much divine intervention had to have played a part in getting out of that alive? No matter what I did, I was meant to be here. For you and for us. I needed to be here when you got back, and I needed to be here to kill the motherfuckers who hurt you.”

Tears fall from her eyes. “I don't know who I am anymore. When I'm with you, I feel like you see someone I don't think I can ever be again. That girl... she's gone. She's gone, and I want her back so badly, but it's not possible. I can't be her anymore and seeing your devastation every time I pull away from you kills me inside. She just keeps dying inside of me when you look at me like I'm breaking your heart.”

“I want you. You're my girl, and you always will be,” Dax says and tugs off his leather and T-shirt to show her the tattoo Daphne did for him. “I mourned you once, and I can't do it again. I can't lose you, Dani, and I can't let you go. Whoever it is you are, I love you. I will always love you. Those vows we exchanged, the good and the bad, baby, we're in the bad. But it does not take away any of my love for you.”

“That's my face,” she says with a laugh. “You put my face on your back.”

Turning around, he shows her the tattoo of her name over his left peck. “There is only you. For me, it's only you.”

“I don't know how long it'll take before I figure out who I am and what I can handle.”

He sits down on the bed, conscientious not to touch her. “I'm not going anywhere.”

“It might be easier for you if you just moved on, Dax.”

“You're not understanding me, baby. There is no moving on. Even in death, I couldn't move on. If I lose you again, I won't make it. If you're hellbent on leaving me, I need you to do me a favor and put my gun to my temple. Pull the trigger and end it. Because it's the only way I can let you go.”

A sob escapes her, and her hand flies over her mouth. “I can't... Don't say that.”

“Dani-”

“The thought of you... no. No, I can't. I can't even imagine it. Dax, that's... don't ever say that. Please.”

All he wants to do is hold her close, but he knows she's not ready for it. “I'm sorry. Please don't cry. I hate seeing you cry. Always have.”

Wiping her eyes, Dani lets out a loud breath. “I think I need to see someone.”

“Someone?”

“A professional. Someone who doesn't know me and can help me unravel everything. Someone who won't break when I do. And I know it's because you love me, but I need someone to be strong when I'm not. Lex made a really good point. Until I face what happened to me, I'm in their prison. Mentally, I'm in the basement still.”

He nods, hearing what she's saying. “I hurt when you hurt, but I never want you to feel like you can't say something because you're afraid of how it'll affect me. I'm not the important one right now.”

“I can't risk you not looking at me like you do. Before I cause you pain. But I need someone to help me navigate and cope with things as well as establish proper boundaries. I need to get out of my mental prison.”

“Whatever you need, we'll do it.”

Standing, she motions for him to do the same. “I want to do something, but I need you to follow my instructions.”

I'll do anything you need, baby. “Of course.”

“I can't stand being touched because it fills me with memories I don't want. But I want to touch you. I want to have you comfort me. So, I'm going to wrap my arms around your neck, but I need you to keep your hands at your side. I need you to let me touch you, but don't touch me.”

“Baby, just to clarify, my neck and chest will be touching you.”

Dani nods. “Yes, but not your arms. I need... I need to be able to free myself quickly if I need to. Can we try that?”

The idea alone of Dani touching him out of want, not comfort, has his heart racing, and all Dax can do is nod. She walks over to him, her entire body trembling, and she slides her arms around his neck, her chest pressing against his. Her cheek touches the skin, resting on the tattoo of her name, and he finds it difficult to breathe. His wife, the one he thought he'd never see again, holds onto him.

She lets out a few deep breaths as she slowly calms down. “Okay, now with only one hand, wrap it around me. But if I tell you to let me go, I need you to drop it immediately, okay? If you don't, I might freak out. And that might result in scratches and kicks, and I really don't want to do that to you.”

“Okay.”

He slowly lifts his left arm and wraps it around her back. The touch is gentle and tentative at first, but as she relaxes, he tightens his grip enough to feel like a real half-hug. He feels her heart pounding against his chest. Knowing how much anxiety this gives her kills him.

Just as he starts to remove his arm to give her relief, she says, “No, keep it. I'm trying to replace bad memories with good ones. Ones I've kept locked up because they hurt too much,” Dani says.

Tears run down his skin, and he fights back his own. A knock on the door interrupts them.

“Hey, Dax, we're ready to head out. You coming?” Psycho calls, his voice low.

“I need a few minutes,” he calls back, his voice cracking. “Please.”

“No problem, man. We’ll be outside.”

Just as Dax worries the spell was broken, Dani says, “Now the other arm?”

Shit. “Uh, do I swap them, or do I use both of them?”

A sob escapes, and he feels like he's failing. “Use both.”

He wraps his arms tightly as she sobs, and he feels both pain and elation as he holds her for the first time in years. “Dani, don't cry.”

“Let me go,” she says as she sounds like she hyperventilates, and his arms immediately fall away from her body as she jumps back and presses herself into the corner of the room. “I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Dax.”

“Hey, hey, there's nothing to be sorry for.”

“I thought I could...”

“Baby, I got to hold you for the first time in almost three years. You don't know what that means to me.”

Her tear-filled eyes look up to his. “It was just a hug.”

“It was everything,” he whispers, tears filling his own eyes. “I dreamed of being able to touch you again every night since I came home to that fire. You just made a dream come true.”

“You're sure you want to go through the craziness of me dealing with all this shit? I have a feeling it'll be a lot of ups and downs. Are you prepared for that?” Dani asks.

Smiling at her, he nods. “I'm not going anywhere, baby.”

“My ring.”

Dax shakes his head. “What?”

She looks down at her left hand. “I don't know what happened to my wedding ring.”

Closing his eyes, he shakes his head. “It was burned on the finger of the woman we thought was you.”

“Oh.”

“I'll get you a new one. We'll both get new ones. Fresh start... whenever you're ready.”

Her eyes lock with his. “That sounds good.”

Reaching behind him, he unclasps the chain she'd gotten him for their first wedding anniversary when they had almost no money. She'd gotten it on sale at a pawnshop, and he never took it off. He slips off his wedding ring and puts it on the chain before handing it to her. “Here.”

“What's this for?”

“This will remind you that I'm here. The two most precious gifts I was given by you are right here, and I have to leave, but I want you to have them. To hold them and wear them to remind you that I love you. I waited for you for years, and I'll wait a million if I need to.”

She puts the chain on over her head and looks down at the wedding ring. He remembers how she tearfully slipped it onto his finger when they went to the courthouse to get married. How happy she was and promised to love him forever. That's what keeps him going.

Before he can react, she presses herself against him, her arms around his waist. “Hug me.”

He does, his arms tentative before tightening around her. “Oh, baby.”

“Tell me a happy... a happy memory.”

“The first time I ever saw you, you were working in that little used book store. I don't know that I ever told you this, but I saw you through the window, and I knew I wanted to spend my life with you. I walked inside, and I pretended like I was looking for a book. You asked which one, and I stupidly said the only book I remember reading in school. Of Mice and Men. ”

Laughing, Dani holds him just a little tighter. “I remember that. I love that book.”

“I bought it, and I got your number that day, too. I spent the entire fucking night reading it, so I had something to say if you started talking about it again. I wanted to be able to hold a conversation with you, and it became my favorite book. Every time I came across that book in the past three years, I bought it. I have a small bookshelf filled with them.”

“I thought you were lying about the book when you came in and said it, but when you talked about it with me the next night when we went to that little diner, I thought I was wrong about you.”

He holds back his desire to kiss the top of her head, unsure if that would make her panic or not. “No, you were right. I just really wanted to impress you.”

“It worked,” she says and pulls away from him, her hands taking his. “Are you going to find Ryan?”

Nodding, he stares into her eyes, scared to blink. “Yes.”

“Do me a favor?”

“Anything.”

“Make it hurt.”

Smiling, Dax sighs. “I plan to. I plan to make sure he knows exactly why I'm inflicting the pain I am before slowly watching the life leave his eyes. I want to be the last thing that asshole ever sees.”