Page 34 of Trophy

The next day Allison was so upset that she called in sick to work and drove to Charlotte to spend some time with Vicki.

She hated to be weak like that, but she couldn’t stand the thought of serving tables at Dora’s, seeing Rob at breakfast, catching all the curious looks aimed at her, pretending like everything was all right.

She didn’t regret what she’d done, but it still felt terrible. She wished she could just skip over the next few weeks and be done with the grieving period for her almost relationship.

Instead she drove more than an hour to the city and went to Vicki’s apartment. Russ was at work, and Vicki didn’t have any commitments today, so they went shopping and then to lunch.

Allison was surprised but relieved that she didn’t get an immediate interrogation from her friend, who must have been able to tell that something was wrong. It wasn’t until the server had brought their salads at lunch that Vicki finally broached the topic.

“So obviously you’ve made a mess of things with Rob,” she said. “Tell me about it.”

That was all it took for Allison to pour out everything that had happened, everything she was afraid of, everything that was tearing her apart as she looked to the future. Vicki didn’t interrupt, and at the end of Allison’s story she was frowning down at the table, as if she were thinking hard.

“You understand, don’t you?” Allison asked, wiping a few tears away. She hadn’t fallen apart, but she couldn’t talk about all of this without getting emotional.

“Yes, I understand.” Vicki finally looked up, her beautifully made-up face still frowning thoughtfully. “But I wonder if you had some other options.”

This wasn’t what Allison had expected, and her spine stiffened. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. I’m just thinking out loud. I can see that you and Rob had some issues that were getting to be problems, but I wonder if it was the kind of thing that could have been worked out together.”

Allison felt strange, raggedly exposed. And guilty because Rob himself had said something similar. She just shook her head.

“All couples have issues that cause problems. If both of them have been married before—like you and Rob—then there are probably even more issues. But usually they can be worked out if both people really want to. You know that.”

“Yes. Yes, I know that. But this was different. It wasn’t about what I did or Rob did. It’s about who we are—our identities. Those kinds of things don’t change, even if you want them to.”

“You don’t think Rob could have learned to open up more to you about the mistakes he’s made and start letting you help him more.”

“Y-yeah. Maybe he could. But that’s not the main issue.”

“Then what is?”

“I can’t let myself be another trophy wife.”

“It sounds to me like Rob is a really different man than Arthur.”

“Of course he is. He’s a hundred times better than Arthur.”

“But he’ll still make you a trophy wife?”

“He won’t. I will. I’m not sure I can be anything else.”

Vicki made an impatient sound. “That’s ridiculous. You’ve already become something else, and you were more than that even when you were married to Arthur. Why the hell do you think I want to be friends with you?”

Allison smiled faintly at her friend’s indignant tone. “Thanks for that. I’m not saying I’m shallow or superficial. I’m just saying that my first inclination is to always only depend on a strong man.”

Vicki hesitated for a few moments before she said softly, “I depend on Russ. Love is about dependence.”

“I know that. But Russ depends on you too. Doesn’t he?” For some reason, asking the question almost made her cry.

Vicki’s face tightened too as she nodded.

“Arthur never depended on me. It was always a completely one-sided relationship. I thought at first that Rob might…” She lifted her napkin to dab at her eyes. “But he won’t let himself. I can see the beginnings of another one-sided relationship. And I can’t just go along with it.”

When Vicki didn’t say anything—like the words had sunk in and rung true—Allison felt even worse. She made an attempt to sound more normal, however, as she added, “It’s probably just as well. I’m not really a small-town person, after all.”

“I thought you were starting to fit in better. So you really don’t like living in Fielding? I mean, you still want to get out of that town as soon as you possibly can?”

Allison stared at Vicki, surprised because she’d never actually asked herself that question. “Uh, I don’t know. I mean, it’s not as bad as I used to think. But I don’t want to be a waitress at Dora’s for the rest of my life, and there’s nothing else for me there. All my dreams are in Charlotte.”

“Your jewelry shop.” Vicki had been meeting her eyes, but now she looked down at her half-empty plate.

“Yes.”

“Okay, I’m going to say something, but don’t get mad.”

Allison blinked. “I’m not going to get mad.”

Vicki looked back up. “Most people don’t have all their dreams come true.

They don’t usually get the man of their dreams and the job of their dreams and the lifestyle of their dreams and the living situation of their dreams. Most people don’t get all of those things.

Most people cobble together the things they’re able to get that most make them happy—and they end up happy with that. ”

“I know that. I’m really not stupid, you know. I’m not expecting to have everything. I just want to be able to… to make it on my own and really be me.”

“Three months ago you weren’t even sure who you were. Do you know who you are now?”

And that was another question that surprised her, since she hadn’t been asking it of herself.

But after thinking for a moment, she knew the answer.

“I think so. I used to think it had to be the jewelry shop, since that was the only concrete thing I could imagine that would make me happy. But I don’t even need that anymore. ”

“So what do you need, then?”

“I need to be able to feel like I’m more than just pretty and vulnerable and dependent.

I need an equal relationship with a man who trusts me and depends on me as much as I depend on him.

I wanted… I really wanted that to be Rob, but I’m not going to settle for less.

And I want… I want to be able to make beautiful things and have other people appreciate them.

If it’s not the jewelry shop, then I want to be able to do it in a different way. ”

To her surprise, Vicki smiled at her. “Well, all of that sounds pretty doable, you know. I think you’re pretty much there.”

“Except the relationship.”

Vicki sighed and slumped back in her chair. “Yeah. Except the relationship. But I’m thinking maybe there’s still hope for that.”

Allison felt another wave of emotion that burned in her eyes. “Thank you,” she said, a little choked up. “But I don’t think there is.”

For just a moment Vicki looked a little emotional herself. Then she smiled rather poignantly. “And you’re sure that Rob doesn’t love and trust you for who you really are? I mean the real you who wants to stand on her own and not always be dependent.”

The words hurt so much that Allison had to look away and take a ragged breath. “I’m sure. He won’t even… try to…”

“Try to what?”

“Be real with me, lean on me. Be something more than . . .” She shook her head, determined not to blame Rob because she knew for certain that it wasn’t his fault. “He doesn’t. I’m sure.”

“Okay. Then that’s the way it is. He’s not the only good thing in the world, so you’re going to get through this. For now, we’ll get dessert, and then I’m going to buy you a pair of shoes.”