Jamil

“When do you think we can get it on the market?” I asked my realtor as we took in the contractors’ work so far.

The locks that Jordan had broken were already repaired, furniture had been replaced, and the holes in the wall had been patched.

The house looked exactly how it had before that night, except it also looked completely unrecognizable at the same time.

It was more than the blank walls that were missing the pictures I’d hung—the essence of what made this place my home was no longer here.

I used to walk into this place and feel instantly calm.

Now there was an oppressing emptiness where there was once a sense of happiness.

“Well, the contractors are basically done with everything they needed to do. We can get this on the market as early as next week if that’s what you want to do.

” My realtor was eyeing me with a look I’d been receiving a lot over the past week—concern.

“Do you want to think about this for a few days? I know how much you liked this house when we first found it.”

“I’ll let you know by the end of the week,” I told her. “But I’m probably not going to change my mind.”

I turned to leave, feeling devoid of anything I once felt for this place as my realtor followed behind me.

Rationally I should have harbored some kind of anger toward my brother for taking this place away from me.

Maybe I would eventually. But as I turned my key in the lock on the front door, whatever anger I should have carried with me stayed on the other side of the door.

“Do you want me to start looking for new places for you?” my realtor asked me as we walked toward our cars.

“Not yet,” I told her because even though I felt myself letting go of this place that I’d called home for the entirety of the time I’d lived in Chicago, I wasn’t ready to replace it yet.

“I look forward to hearing your decision. Talk soon!” Then she disappeared into her car, probably off to a meeting with another client.

With one last glance at the house behind me, I slid into my car knowing I needed to make one more stop before I went to Tommy’s.

Part of me wanted to call Harper to tell her where I was going because I knew she’d meet me there at the drop of a hat to support me despite if she thought I should do it or not.

But I continued driving across town, leaving my phone in the seat next to me to avoid dialing her number. The last thing I wanted to do was pull her away from chasing her dreams while I was seeking answers of my own. I dialed another number instead.

“Jamil! What do you want? I’m currently self-tanning and I got self-tanner on my phone for this call. Maggie and Lottie are on their way over for a girls’ day so we can rot away on my couch, so make sure this is good.” Olivia’s voice came across my car speakers.

Leave it to Olivia to always find a way to make me laugh, even unintentionally.

“I need a favor,” I told her.

There was barely a pause on the other end of the line before she replied. “Sure, what do you need?”

“Any chance you guys can take girls’ day from your place over to Harper’s? I can send you her address. She’s had a rough morning, and I think she could use a day surrounded by people that care about her rather than sitting with it all by herself.”

Again, without hesitation, “Absolutely. The three of us can go ambush her. It’s about time she realized she doesn’t have to face life alone anymore.”

“Give her another hour or so before you bombard her.”

“If you say so. Send her address! We’ll go rot on the couch over there.”

“Thanks, Liv,” I told her as I pulled up outside of Jordan’s facility. “I’ve got to go. I’ll see you guys probably tonight when I get back to Harper’s apartment.”

“Are you okay, J?” Olivia asked, her voice growing concerned.

“I’m good. Thanks again, Liv.” I ended the call before Olivia could interrogate me any further because she always had a way of reading exactly what was going on with me, even if I didn’t have a clue.

I sat in the silence of my car, staring at the entrance for a few minutes before I finally found the courage to go inside.

The previous day’s call from the facility, reporting Jordan’s reappearance and the subsequent notification of authorities, left me with a turbulent mix of relief—a weight lifted—and a chilling fear for his future.

I’d decided to keep Jordan’s initial return from Harper, needing the quiet to process this decision alone.

This moment had been brewing since the night of the break-in.

From the second I saw the front door of my house slightly ajar.

Maybe even from the first time Jordan had shown up on my front step, tears streaming down his face as he told me that he was in trouble and wanted my help.

I’d felt needed as I became the one to offer a helping hand instead of the one needing the support.

But as I walked down the hallway toward Jordan’s room, I only felt used.

An officer was posted outside of his room, only letting me inside after I showed him my identification.

The investigation was ongoing, but I’d already told the detectives that I didn’t want to press charges against my brother.

He may have continued to tear our relationship apart, but I wouldn’t join in contributing to that decimation.

Jordan didn’t need to be reprimanded for his decision to steal from me.

Battling his own demons was punishment enough.

Jordan was sitting by the window in his room reading a book, only looking up when he realized whoever had entered wasn’t speaking.

Shock registered on his face first before fear filled his eyes. “Jamil? What are you doing here?”

“I think it’s time we talked,” I told him as I crossed the room to sit down in the open seat across from him.

My brother slowly closed his book before setting it on the side table next to him, never taking his eyes off me. His hands trembled as he clasped them in his lap.

Now that I was sitting in front of him all the pent-up emotion that I’d had in me for years was banging against my mouth, demanding to be heard. But I had no idea where to even begin.

“I can’t do this anymore, Jordan.” I sucked one more deep breath in before I let the flood gates open. “Everything I’ve been doing up until this point has only been perpetuating your addiction and I refuse to keep up the charade that you have any intention of wanting to get better.”

“J, I do want to get better,” Jordan pleaded with me and I noticed tears welling in the corners of his eyes.

“The moment I checked you into this place I told you this would be the hardest battle of your life, but you aren’t even putting up a fight!

” I wasn’t holding anything back anymore.

“First you get yourself in trouble with a bookie, again , while you are still in rehab. Then you ask me to bail you out, again . And when I say no, you break into my house. I’m done standing by and doing nothing as you continue to tear your life apart.

I’ve got nothing left to help you with. Especially after this. I’m done.”

“What are you saying?” Jordan asked me, the wobbling of his chin matching his voice.

“I will pay for one more term. Three months. If you check yourself out again, if you throw this last opportunity in the trash, I won’t be here to catch you.”

His mouth dropped open as he realized what I was telling him.

“I just want my brother back,” I told him, my voice breaking on the last word. Now I was the one fighting back tears. “I’ve given you too much, Jordan.”

“I didn’t—I didn’t realize this was how you felt.”

“How else did you think I would feel? I’ve watched my hero become only a ghost of himself over time and I can’t even blame him for it.

I’ve guarded you from the vultures who would tear you apart in the news.

I’ve contorted myself around all the attention this past year to protect you .

But you repay me by breaking into my home and stealing from me? My house was the last straw.”

Jordan stayed silent as I stood up from my seat after I had nothing left to say. Part of me expected him to stop me before I left his room, but he let me go without another word. The weight I’d been carrying all these years lightened as I left my words behind me.

*

“We’ve got a karaoke machine. Are you sure that’s something Harper wants or just something you and Derek want?” Tommy eyed me as he looked up from his pad of paper.

“Keep it on the list,” I told him. “It’ll be entertainment.”

“It’ll be something,” Tommy mumbled as he added a karaoke machine to the list. “We still haven’t talked about where this is going to take place .?.?.”

Tommy trailed off as he looked up at me from his notes.

His hesitation highlighted my current living predicament.

Normally I would have hosted this at my house, but that no longer felt like an option.

It wasn’t a secret what had happened with my brother and the break-in, even if no one approached me about it.

“What if we rented out the bar like we did after the World Series win last year?” Tommy offered as I sat there trying to come up with an option.

“I think that would be perfect,” I agreed as I found the contact information for the bar and fired off another email.

“I think that’s it.” Tommy glanced down at his list to confirm before he eyed me again. “Now are you going to tell me why you showed up here looking like you’d just come from a therapy session?”

A laugh of disbelief and exhaustion burst out of me as I leaned back on Tommy’s couch. Between him and Olivia, there wasn’t much I could get past them nowadays. They eyed me with caution as I grew from always being the one with a smile on my face to watching that light slowly dim.

“I went to see Jordan today. He showed back up at the facility yesterday. Probably after he’d paid off his debts.”

Tommy’s eyebrows shot up as he sank back in the couch. He didn’t ask me how it went. He gave me the time and space to tell him what I wanted to.

“I needed to let him go finally. All these years, I think you can chalk me up to a helicopter parent with him and that clearly hasn’t worked thus far.

” Tommy chuckled in agreement. “I feel like I’ve been walking on eggshells this last year trying to keep eyes off me so no one would find out about Jordan.

I wanted him to heal without any scrutiny.

Now I’ve closed myself off to the world and created more hurdles for myself to jump through than necessary. ”

“I would add that I do miss my best friend and all of his antics.”

I smoothed my hands down my pants, noticing how sweaty my palms had grown. “My brain keeps telling me to let the flood gates open, but I don’t even know what that means.”

Tommy cocked his head to the side. “Like a tell-all?”

“No,” I told him, shaking my head. “I won’t air out Jordan’s problems. But I want to talk about my experience, without outing him.”

“I think I know someone who can do exactly what you’re wanting to do.” Tommy leaned forward to squeeze my shoulder.

My eyes met his as I realized who he was referring to. A war of emotions erupted inside of me. While the last thing I wanted was to put myself out there for the public to dissect, she was potentially throwing her career away at SC News because she wouldn’t give her boss the one thing he wanted—me.

Maybe we could find a way to achieve what we both needed without giving away everything. Maybe I could find a way to heal whatever hole had formed inside of me over this past year while figuring out a way to keep Harper here in Chicago.

Because the thought of her leaving this place felt worse than having my entire life splashed across headlines for people to dissect.

I’d rather face the hunger of others desperate to distract themselves from their own lives by judging someone else’s if she was by my side.