Page 85 of Touch the Sky

I stride across the barnyard, the gravel crunching under my feet, until I’m standing right in front of her.

“We need to figure this out.”

Jacinthe sets down her sponge, her face shifting from surprised to cautious.

“Figure what out?”

I jab my finger at her and then at myself.

“Us.”

She gulps hard enough that I see her throat bob.

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean.”

I can’t back down. I can’t run away. I have to take this thing between us head-on and wrestle it to the ground.

“Ever since that night…”

I drag my gaze up from her lips to her eyes. Now is not the time to think about how soft her mouth is.

“Since then,” I begin again, “I’ve been trying to go back to normal, like we said, but there was never a normal for us, was there?”

She inhales like she’s about to argue, but then she shakes her head.

“No.”

I plant my feet a little wider and prop my fist on my hip.

“So I need us to figure out what the hell to do with that, because…”

I glance around at the barn, the fields, and the horses that are already starting to feel like old friends.

“Because I don’t know if I can give this place up, and I don’t think I could do that to Shel either. I heard you talking in the hayloft,” I admit.

Jacinthe’s eyes flare wide all over again. She holds her hands up like she’s surrendering.

“I’m sorry,” she blurts. “I’m sorry if I said the wrong thing, or too much, or whatever. I didn’t mean to?—”

“You didn’t say anything wrong,” I interrupt.

I take a deep breath, and then I tell her the truth.

“You said everything right. You helped her in a way I can’t, and that’s hard for me to handle, but I’d never let it stop me from wanting her to have someone in her life who understands her so well.”

We’re quiet for a moment, just the rustle of wind in the tree branches filling the silence as the solemnity of my words washes over us both.

“Being here, in this town, at this house…it’s good for her,” I explain. “It’s good for her in ways I was scared to even hope for. I’m still scared. I’m scared it won’t work out. I’m scared I’m going to ruin it for her. I’m scared I won’t be able to do what I have to do.”

My voice cracks, my resolve crumbling. I squeeze my eyes shut like that will somehow bring it back.

I hear Jacinthe step closer.

“What do you have to do?”

I can hear her breathing now—short, sharp bursts, like she’s fighting the same pressure squeezing me from all sides.