Page 14

LEXI

A s we neared the back-shack, I asked,“Whatcha doing, Torin?”

He glanced over his shoulder at the light on in the house. “I had trouble sleepin’, decided tae stand guard.”

“Do you need me to show you how to turn off the lights?”

“Nae, I am well, thank ye, Mistress Lexi.” He winced as he straightened.

I passed him a glass and poured him some wine. “Do you need more of the medicine?”

“I thought tae hae some, but couldna get in the bottle.”

I went inside to find the bottle, lying on its side on the table, and brought it out. “This kind of twist cap you have to press down as you twist.” I showed him how, adding, “But now that I think about it, this would not be easy with one hand.”

I gave him two, then went inside the back-shack again and poured four pills onto the counter.

I opened a gallon of spring water and filled a glass for him, but when I came out to the stoop he had already swigged back the pills with the wine.

I said, “There are more pills on the counter, but you’re supposed to give about four hours between.”

He nodded.

Jen had been watching all of this with a bemused expression. She said, “You’re having fun playing nurse.”

I scowled.

She said, “So, Torin, Lexi has told me an amazing story about you.”

He raised his brow. “She has, has she? Did she call me ‘amazing’? What did Mistress Lexi tell ye of me?”

He sipped the last of his wine and I filled a bit more in his glass.

“She said you’re a time traveler.”

He said, “Tis true. I hail from the land of Alba, I hae been livin’ in Castle Glume, servin’ m’laird, the Earl of Argyll, and loyal tae m’friend, Maximillian Campbell, since I was but a boy. When I left the lands on this infuriatin’ machine, the year was fifteen hundred and fifty-eight.”

“That’s the year Lexi told me.” She shook her head. “But I don’t get it, why would you both make up a story, what’s the point…?”

I ignored her and said, “Torin, do you need instructions on using the um… restroom? It dawns on me that it might be different than the one you had way back in the fifteen fifty-eight.”

“The restroom?”

“The place where you, um… relieve yourself.”

“The privy for doin’ yer necessaries?”

“Yes. I realized that I didn’t give you a good tour earlier, maybe it’s different where you’re from...”

“Where I am from we use the garderobe, twas verra different from the garderobe in the… twas called a hospital?”

“Yes, right, you went into the one in the hospital — so you know how it works?”

“Och nae, tis a blur, I could barely see, the nurse had tae help me walk because I was havin’ trouble with balance. I believe I pissed upon her shoes.”

Jen and I laughed.

He added, “I daena usually suffer havin’ people tell me how tae do things. Especially when I am surrounded by bonny lasses.”

Jen laughed. “You have a lot in common with Lexi, she also doesn’t like to be told what to do.”

I grinned. “That is the truth, so how bout this, Torin, because you had just been in a battle, likely you don’t remember the brief tour I gave you. I will give you another one, a quick tour of this back-shack, without any intrusive instructions, while Jen runs up for more wine.”

Jen drained her glass. “Are you hungry too?”

I said, “Whoa, fifteen minutes in and you’re already offering to make sandwiches too?”

She laughed, “I’m offering to get food to eat, not to make anything. Totally different.”

She left, stalking up the slope.

Torin watched her go.

I said, “I forgot about the danger, she might not want to go alone.”

“Nae, she will be fine. There is nae one here, I hae been watchful.”

I yelled at her departing back, “Lock the house while you’re in there!”

She waved her hand over her shoulder and kept walking.

I led Torin inside. “So, this is the back-shack, this is the front door, the door handle…” I entered the kitchen. “This is the refrigerator. It’s a box to keep food cold.” I opened the door and put my hand in.

He put his hand in. “Och, tis wintery inside. Is all yer food served cold? Where I live, we like tae heat our food.”

“We heat our food here too, this is to store it before we heat it. We heat the food here, on the stove, or here in the microwave. You don’t need to know anything about those, please don’t turn them on — fire hazard.”

I gestured for him to follow me to the main room and then tilted the shade on the lamp.“See this button? Push it with your thumb, the light goes off, push it again, the light comes on.” I threw the room into darkness and then light.

I glanced at him, he was wincing and I wasn’t sure he had seen my instructions.

I said, “Is the light too bright because of the time travel?”

“It daena pain yer eyes?”

I shook my head.

“Tis verra loud as well.” He tugged on his earlobe.

“Then it must be because of the electric lights and...who knows about the volume.”

“Tis more likely that God daena want me tae be on the other side of time, tis against his will, and I am cursed tae suffer for it.” Then he smiled, “But I ought not complain in front of the bonny lass, continue showin’ me yer wee cottage.”

I gestured toward the bathroom. “And then this is the… privy.” I said, “You’ll stand here and…

you know. Or sit on it like a throne.” I took a deep breath but still heat rushed up my cheeks as I stood in front of this huge hulk of a man, a handsome man, and said, “This is the toilet paper, you tear off some squares and use it to um… wipe your... you know.”

I pantomimed wiping my ass and his eyes went wide. He chuckled. “Och nae, Mistress Lexi, I ken how tae clean m’arse, I am nae a bairn.”

“Oh, good, I didn’t think you would have seen toilet paper before.”

“Och, we daena hae toilet paper, but I ken how tae devise leaves or cloth for the task. I daena think I will hae a difficult time figurin’ out the procedure.”

“Good, perfect, then you throw the paper in here, and flush this handle. It whisks it away.”

I flushed and the old toilet rattled and made a racket.

He said, “Och, now that is a miracle.”

“Yes, yes I imagine it is. You know what’s cool? If I remember correctly, the flusher is a Scottish invention.”

“A Scot invented it? Are we in Scotland?”

I said, “Wait, you don’t know where you are?”

Behind us, Jen was putting down bags. “I’m back! Wine, cheese, booze, beer, crackers, all the fun things!” She spread out boxes. “I couldn’t decide what everyone wanted so I brought an assortment.”

We met her in the kitchen and Torin asked, “This is all from yer larder, Mistress Lexi?”

I nodded. “Yep, I always have snacks.” We stood around the counter and ate crackers with meat and cheese stacked on top, and drank beers in cans that Torin admired greatly.

Eating our snack, I said to Jen, “Torin was just telling me he has no idea where he is.”

“Oh, weird.” Then she added, loudly, as if she were speaking to someone hard of hearing, “You’re in A-mer-i-ca!”

“Jen, you don’t have to yell or talk slowly.”

He jokingly rubbed his ears. “Och nae, I ken where we are, we are in the land of the screechin’ harpies.”

Jen cracked up. “Oh man, I just met you and you’re already calling me a harpy? Men usually wait to call me that until the third date.”

I said, “You were too loud, his ears hurt from the time jump, we were just talking about it.”

Torin bowed. “M’apologies, Mistress Jen, twas a shock.

This is all stupefying. Ye arna wearin’ enough clothes, tis late at night.

I canna figure out where yer husbands are, ye are both alone, and I daena ken where I am or even whose lands these are, but I must be protective of ye as yer husbands hae nae left ye with enough guards. ”

I winced. “When you put it that way, that is stupefying.”

Jen looked down. “I am covered from my ankles to my shoulders!”

I said, “Them’s some tight-ass date-night jeans.”

She said, “You cannot say a thing, your jeans are just as tight.”

I scoffed.

Then said to Torin, “I’m sure this must be very different from what you’re used to.”

“Ye dinna answer m’most important question: how dost ye hae nae guard — what are yer husbands about?”

Jen said, “No husband, I went out on a date tonight — he was adequate.”

He said, “I daena understand a word of it.”

I said, “Here in America, the place where you are, we date men first, before we get married, to see if we fit.”

Jen sighed. “But no one fits, except Lexi and Cooper.”

He said, “Mistress Lexi, ye hae a husband?”

“We are still dating, but we’ll probably get married — someday... hopefully soon.”

Jen said, “He’s asking you this weekend, I will bet money on it, if I had any.”

“Where is he now?”

“He went to pitch an idea to some investors, he wants to have an eco-tourism spot, near here with cabins.” I directed my next words to Jen. “Did I tell you, he thinks it went well?”

“Yep, earlier, and thank God, he’s been dreaming about this for so long, some might say obsessing, it’ll be good for him to get onto the next stage of it.”

I nodded.

Torin said, “I daena understand much, but this man — he haena married ye, Mistress Lexi? He leaves tae go on a journey without seein’ tae yer safety and protection?” He scowled. “This world causes bewilderment... but ye haena explained — where are we?”

Jen said, “America — you don’t know the United States? Oh right, that was after you were… whoa, this is weird.”

“Tis Europe? Or perhaps farther?”

I remembered there was an atlas. “Hold that thought!”

I opened the closet door and pulled the atlas from its spot under a stack of blankets. Jen pushed food away to make room on the counter.

I said, “ Much farther, Columbus discovered this land in 1492, have you heard of that?”

“Aye, the Italian, Cristoforo Colombo. He discovered the New World.” He looked all around the room. “This is the New World?”

“Yep.” I opened the book to the world map and pointed. “We are a whole nother continent. There’s Scotland, and this is about where we are. This whole place was settled by people from England, Scotland, and other parts of Europe. Over the centuries it became its own country?—”