Page 42 of To Heist and to Hold

But with Heloise, it had been more than that.

So much more. It had not begun as such, of course.

Then, he’d been certain she was up to something, that she was somehow connected to the swirling rumors about his club—and it tore at his heart now, seeing just how right he had been, that his instincts had been correct, as much as he wished now he had been wrong.

Their intimate moments, however, had quickly developed into a deep, emotional connection. For him at least, he thought bitterly as he gazed at her. Had she truly not been affected? Had it really been just the means to an end?

And did he really want to know if it had?

“I would think,” she said, blessedly oblivious to the torturous thoughts decimating his insides, “you could have guessed my motives by now.”

Either she was saving herself the effort of explaining the obvious, or she was saving him the pain of hearing the full, raw truth.

It would be an easy thing to decamp, to take the out she was giving him.

God knew it would prevent the mountain of grief that would come with the answering of his question.

But apparently he was more of a glutton for punishment than he’d ever suspected.

“I think I deserve to hear from your lips the whole truth.”

She looked at him a long, tense moment, lips pressed tight, as if debating if she should acquiesce to his request. Finally she nodded, a sharp thing.

“Very well,” she bit out. “I could see no other way around it. I need to save Julia, and to do that, I need to locate those jewels. The only option I saw was to gain access to your club. But acting as Laney’s manager only got me so far.

And so I…” Her voice faltered before she lifted her chin and continued, the words spilling from her lips as though she needed to expel them from her body with force.

“I seduced you to gain access to portions of the club I could not otherwise.”

It should not have hurt as much as it did to hear that. He’d known it was the truth, after all, that she had used him to access the club and find those blasted jewels.

Even so, the depth of the pain had him nearly gasping for breath. It was by sheer will alone that he kept himself still, kept his face impassive, kept his chest from caving in.

“I… see.” He swallowed hard at the lump in his throat, but it didn’t budge, only lodging more firmly in place. “Thank you for being so blunt.”

Finally a reaction as she flinched. Her hands were not just balled into fists now. They had taken hold of her skirts and were doing their best to strangle the cloth. “It was not a decision made lightly,” she said.

He nearly laughed at that. As if the fact that she had agonized over seducing him would ease the pain. If anything, it only hurt more, knowing his suspicions that she had sacrificed herself in his bed were true.

But he supposed it was a kind of apology. Granted, a sad excuse for one, but her attempt nonetheless. And he suspected it was the only one he was going to get.

He dipped his head in acknowledgement. “You do not have to explain further. To save someone I care for, I suppose I would have done the same.”

The cold mask finally fell at that. But she was looking at him much too intently, as if trying to figure him out and confused by what she saw. To divert that damned all-seeing gaze of hers, he blurted, “You must have searched a fair amount of the club over the past week.”

She physically recoiled as if he had slapped her, her cheeks heating. “Yes.”

As he’d suspected. He had a vision of her then, sneaking about when no one was around, opening drawers and digging through cupboards.

It was such a ridiculous image that if he’d been in any mood to laugh he would have.

But he was the furthest thing from laughing in that moment.

In fact, he rather thought he was much closer to crying.

But he was beginning to lose sight of the main purpose of all this, in that this whole, quite literal, affair had begun in an effort to save Miss Julia Marlow.

Something he was determined to finish to make things right again.

And perhaps, when it was completed and Heloise’s sister-in-law was saved—God willing, they could locate those damn jewels—he could leave Heloise and everything to do with her behind him.

He nodded. “Very well. Then I shall finish what you started.”

Eyes wide, she took a step forward. “I can help—”

He took two steps back to her one, holding up a hand. No. God, no, he could not spend any more time with her than absolutely necessary. This right here was hard enough as it was. All he wanted to do was take her in his arms and beg her to see him as a man and not as the means to an end.

There was a flash of pain in her eyes that she quickly covered up. Was she hurt at his refusal? And why did that small tell make him yearn for her even more than before?

“I can handle that myself,” he said. “But you must know that there is a very good chance the jewels are not within the club. Everyone else affiliated with Dionysus has their own homes separate from it, you know. The logical place to conceal them would be off-site.”

Composed once more, she retreated a step and nodded, hands now clasped in front of her as if holding herself back from advancing again.

“I had considered that. But not knowing who might be responsible, I had to limit my search to Dionysus alone. Did your conversation with Julia give you any insight into who the perpetrator might be?”

He ran a hand through his hair in agitation. “No. I had hoped it might, but as yet I don’t have a clue who it is.”

“I had feared as much.” She chewed at her lip before, giving him a cautious glance, she took a deep breath, as if bracing herself for something unpleasant. “But now that we have your assistance, we may be able to flush out the perpetrator.”

He stilled. “Flush them out?”

“Yes.” She cleared her throat, looking toward the open door as if seeking assistance. When none came, she faced him once more, expression resigned. “We believe that if we cause a diversion the night of the masquerade, it’s quite possible the villain at the center of all this will show himself.”

A diversion. He saw it then, how Lady Vastkern and Mrs. Finch and Heloise all had their places in Dionysus.

And, no doubt, the other widows they resided with were in on it, too.

A realization hit him then, like a punch to the gut.

“You have been planning a diversion for the night of the masquerade from the beginning, haven’t you? ”

She nodded, but did not meet his eyes. “It was always our plan if the jewels could not be located in time. Though it will be significantly easier having you assist us.”

She tensed, as if bracing herself for an outburst. No doubt she expected him to lash out in fury that they had been planning to use the masquerade and boxing match to infiltrate his club and do God knew what manner of damage.

But though he knew he would have reacted thus just a week past, now he felt only a sad resignation that it had to come to this.

“Very well,” he said. “Please let me know what I may do to assist in any way I can.”

She sucked in a sharp breath, her shock palpable as she met his gaze. “Why are you being so kind?”

The question took him aback, and not only because this was the first truly vulnerable moment she had shown him since the heartbreak of the day before.

Shaken, he was tempted to shrug her off.

But there was something almost like pain in the question, as if it grieved her that he could be kind to her.

It made him pause, that pain, and give her question much more thought than he normally would have allotted it.

And he found he was as surprised by his response to her as she was.

Normally deception, especially to such a degree, would be an unforgivable sin to him, and he would have been glad to rain down fire and brimstone on anyone responsible.

Yet looking in her eyes, seeing the emotion she was trying so damn hard to conceal, all he wanted to do was hold her.

He swallowed hard, trying his best to find a reason that was not tears for the burning behind his eyes. “After these past weeks, did you think me a monster?” he finally asked quietly.

“No,” she replied, voice hoarse, arms snaking about her middle. “No, I never thought you a monster.”

He gave a humorless chuckle. “I suppose I should be content with that.” Then, because he could not stand there a moment longer without betraying his heart in the process, he dipped his head and strode from the room.