Page 34 of To Heist and to Hold

It occurred to Heloise some hours later that she should have taken advantage of Ethan falling asleep so totally and completely.

She still had not located the jewels, after all, and the date of the Ayersleys’ anniversary ball was quickly looming closer.

And what was this affair with Ethan for, if not gaining access to the private places in Dionysus so she might find said jewels?

But Julia and her dilemma had been far from Heloise’s mind when she’d held Ethan as he had drifted off into slumber. No, the only thing on her mind had been Ethan, and the emotions he’d dredged up in her as he’d held back, much to her shock, tears.

Had she expected her actions to touch him as much as they had?

No. But she had been even more unprepared for how his response had affected her .

All she had wanted to do when she’d heard that telltale hitch in his breathing was to hold him and never let go.

Even now, as she banked the fire in her forge and put her tools away and washed herself at the basin after several hours at her anvil, she wanted nothing more than to return to his side.

She had a job to do, she attempted to remind herself as she left her workshop and made her way through the back garden of the Wimpole Street house, and she’d best focus on that and that alone.

Yet no matter how many times she repeated it, it was a faint thing in her head, drowned out by the louder voice telling her that Ethan could not possibly be guilty of the crimes she had thought him responsible for.

Reaching her room, she changed into a simple muslin gown before falling into a tired heap in the wingback chair nearest the window.

She was exhausted in body, yes. This past week she had felt like one of the tightrope walkers she had seen once during a visit to Vauxhall Gardens, balancing on the thinnest rope, trying to keep everyone and everything balanced along with her.

One wrong move one way or the other and she would fall, bringing it all down with her.

But there was also an exhaustion of spirit. She had believed this whole endeavor to be straightforward and simple: Those at Dionysus had taken so much from Julia, and she and the Widows would take it back, even if it meant ruining the club.

Now she didn’t know what to believe. Or what to do about it. Though she knew she needed to see this thing through, with Julia’s very life on the line if she did not, the realization that she was deceiving Ethan, who had known so much pain and heartbreak, had her feeling sick to her stomach.

She turned to gaze out the window, hardly seeing the overcast sky, her heart heavy as iron in her chest. She fully believed someone at Dionysus was involved in cheating Julia.

She also fully believed that things of this sort were not one-time occurrences, that they were typically a long-standing rot from within, a cankerous sore.

No matter that she told herself that, however, she could not help the ache in her chest when she thought of Ethan’s quiet crying, the way he had gripped her to him as if she were his lifeline.

Which, while it had initially touched her deeply, now only brought about a horrible, lowering shame.

It was not only someone within Dionysus who was deceiving him; she was as well.

She closed her eyes as pain ripped through her. She could not do this, could not hurt him. No matter that someone at Dionysus was doing heinous things, Ethan did not deserve to pay for it.

You could confide in him. The thought whispered through her mind, stunning her breathless. Could she? It would make things so much easier, after all, if she had his help in locating the jewels. She could be done with this whole debacle in no time.

But in the next moment she violently recoiled from the thought.

Her suspicion that he was innocent was just that: a suspicion.

She could not endanger the Widows and everything they had worked toward for something so uncertain.

Nor could she entrust Julia’s safety and well-being to someone who was so deeply entrenched in Dionysus, the living, breathing beast at the center of it all.

No matter how deep her feeling of guilt because she was deceiving him, or how dearly she wished to trust him.

As if Heloise had summoned her simply by thinking of her, there was a knock on her door, and it was being thrown wide, and Julia was there.

Heloise bolted to her feet. “Julia?”

The other woman stood in the doorway, looking paler and more drawn than ever. She clenched her hands in her skirts, giving Heloise a smile that died out before it could even take hold.

“I’m sorry if I’m intruding, but Strachan told me I should show myself up.”

Heloise hurried forward, taking Julia’s hand in hers.

As before, it was ice cold. But now it trembled, proof of her worsening mental state.

She silently cursed herself, even as she tugged the bellpull for tea.

“You’re not intruding at all,” she said, guiding the other woman to the sofa before the hearth.

“I’m sorry to have come unannounced,” Julia fretted. “It’s just that the date for the anniversary ball is approaching, and Lady Ayersley has been making comments about the jewels, and I just don’t know what to do—”

Her voice cracked on a sob, and she pressed her fingers to her lips. Heloise, feeling powerless in a way she hadn’t since Gregory’s death, could only watch helplessly as Julia struggled to bring her emotions in check.

“I’m sorry,” Julia repeated, her voice a mere whisper.

“You have nothing to be sorry about,” Heloise said, guilt wrapping about her neck, a noose that tightened with every breath.

“I’m the one who is sorry. While I thought sending you letters via messenger with updates would be enough, I should have realized you needed something more.

But can’t you quit that house and that horrid woman?

You can live here. We would love to have you. ”

But even before the words were out of her mouth, Julia was shaking her head.

As Heloise had expected. The suggestion had been made numerous times in the past weeks.

But Julia, despite her kind heart, had an equally strong will.

The very fact that she was able to support herself, no matter how heinous her employer might be, was worth everything to her.

Gregory had instilled that strong sense of self-preservation and pride in her, Heloise knew.

And there would be no talking her out of it.

Gregory. Guilt flooded her, as it always did when she thought of her late husband.

Though while she usually pushed away the memory of his final moments, she forced herself to relive them now, a kind of penance for her weakening resolve.

If only she had not asked him to run that errand for her; if only it had not begun to rain after he had left; if only she had insisted he take his umbrella…

There were so many if only s, but only one truth: He had died because in a moment of weakness she had let down her guard and asked for help.

And she would never forgive herself for it.

“I do appreciate it,” Julia said now, sitting a bit straighter, that damnable Marlow pride like an iron rod down her spine. “But I cannot. As soon as the jewels are found I’ll search for a new position.”

She said it with confidence, no doubt in an attempt to let Heloise know that she believed Heloise could accomplish what needed to be done.

But there was no hiding the faint taste of fear in it.

A fear mirrored in Heloise’s breast as well.

And for the first time she truly began to worry that she might, in fact, fail.

The thought came to her then, what Julia might face if the jewels were not recovered.

It was something that had always been in the back of Heloise’s mind, an evil presence she kept firmly at bay.

Now, however, with its breath hot on her neck and its claws digging into her spine, and she could ignore it no longer.

There was a knock at the door, and the maid entered with the tea tray.

Thank God. The distraction allowed Heloise to calm herself, the familiar, mindless preparing of the tea and plates of food a balm as she gathered her thoughts.

Now was not the time for despair. No, now was the time for focus, and determination, and to make certain that she saw this through to the end.

A vision of Ethan attempted to manifest, as if mocking her, proof of her weakness.

She brutally pushed it down to the very depths of her soul and turned her full attention to Julia.

She would no longer allow herself to become distracted.

She only hoped she could locate the jewels quickly and end this thing with Ethan, before her heart was irrevocably lost to him.

And before he found out how deeply she had deceived him.