Page 55 of Threads That Bind Us

The change is so sudden that I’m left stunned into silence. Throughout the rest of the night, she’s charming and gorgeous and engaging, but she doesn’t make another move to touch me more than is absolutely necessary. There’s a coldness that settles over me without her touch that’s intolerable. And I’ll do anything to fix it.

Chapter 19

Gwen

Every moment since I got home this afternoon has been so tense, I feel like I’m being torn at the seams. We spend the entire drive back in absolute silence, Charlie’s grip on the wheel so tight that his knuckles are white under the ink. The car inches slowly through evening traffic out of the city.

For the last few months, I could convince myself I’d been imagining the feeling of his eyes on me when I’m turned away, the unending current of electricity between us. But not tonight. Every touch was a second too long and an eternity too short. I feel out of my mind with need and frustration, each emotion feeding the other until I’m clenching my teeth to resist acting on them.

And that fuckingkiss. It’s ridiculous and cliche and reminiscent of an early 2000s rock ballad, but I feel like I’ve been waiting my whole life to be kissed like that. And Charlie’s reaction—like it wasn’t just a requirement of our agreement, like he wanted me to kiss him. Like he wanted me towantto kiss him.

This isn’t fucking fair, I think as we pull into the driveway. It’s not fair that his actions are so at oddswith his words, or that I’m so attracted to him I interpret every lingering glance as lust. It’s not fair that I’ve convinced myself he wants me, too.

I don’t wait for Charlie to open my door as we pull up to the house. I feel childish, nearly stomping as I make my way to the front porch. I put the code in wrong twice before I can press my thumb against the reader, Charlie too close behind me, the warmth of his body only fueling my angry-horny fugue state.

As soon as I’m inside, I march straight to the kitchen and throw my coat on the counter, pouring myself a glass of water from the tap and trying to calm myself down. I’ve never been particularly good at calm, though. I’m especially bad at it when I can hear the object of my frustration calmly hanging up his jacket, taking off his shoes, even collecting my coat from the counter and putting it away properly. It’s maddening.

I know he’s standing there. Probably leaning against the peninsula, his eyes searching the tension in my shoulders and the way I roll my neck for the answer to how to navigate this.

“Gwen….” he starts, his voice so soft and kind.

I drop my glass in the sink and whip around.

“Don’t.”

Even though I’m desperate for answers, I can’t face them right now. I’m too angry at him, too afraid I’m about to be embarrassed, too worked up. My blood is boiling under my skin, and I know I’m reacting irrationally, but I can’t stop.

“Please, I want to talk, to explain?—”

“Explain what?” I cut him off, checking his shoulder as I walk past him, moving around the kitchen table, trying to put space and heavy furniture andanythingbetween us. “You’re going to explain what happened at that dinner? How thatkisswas part of our business arrangement? We’re a means to an end for each other, right?” I laugh and tilt my head to the ceiling,the sound slicing my throat like shards of ice, hot tears welling behind my eyes. Fuck being an angry crier.

Charlie is quiet for so long that the rushing in my ears finally ebbs, my pulse slowing just enough to let reason slip in and force me to wipe my eyes. When I lower my head, he won’t look at me, and the pit in my stomach grows until I feel like it’s swallowing me whole. Embarrassment slams into me, hard and fast and cruel, replacing anger so quickly it makes me nauseous. I read too much into all these insignificant moments—his hand over mine at the pig farm, and the glances across the table, and his fingertips on my spine. I can’t believe I was so fucking stupid. He told me what he wanted that first night. I’m the idiot who couldn’t keep my shit together.

He’s gripping the counter’s edge so tight, so still he has to be holding his breath. His head is bent, and his hair hiding his eyes, and I suddenly miss the tiny apartment Ana and I were holed up in before all of this. At least there, I could disappear. At least there, I knew who I was to everyone around me.

Charlie still hasn’t said anything, and now I think he doesn’t know what to say. How do you respond to your rent-a-wife when she’s just overstepped your boundaries by one hundred fold? I’m getting whiplash from how quickly my emotions are changing, but I can’t force him to apologize for not wanting me the way I want him.

“Charlie, look, I’m sorry, okay?” My voice is high and pleading and honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if he wants to end our arrangement now.Fuck, fuck, fuck.Sure, Ana’s done with treatment, and her bills are paid, but the last few months have done a number on me, and I don’t want to lose him. “I misunderstood some things that happened between us and it was so inappropriate to get upse?—”

“Stop.” His voice is weak and begging, but he still hasn’t lifted his eyes. I’m rooted to the floor,unable to move. “Of course….” His hands squeeze the counter even tighter as he forces a breath out. “Of course I want you, Gwen.”

When he finally looks at me, all I can see is desperation. A deep well of something he’s hidden deep for so long, it’s nearly iced over. Physical pain couldn’t put this look into his eyes.

“Every single touch from you is torture I beg for. I’ve wanted you since the second I saw you, and instead of acting on that, I opened my fucking mouth and offered you money and support in exchange for your friendship.” I want to say something, anything, to quiet the guilt clearly gnawing at him, but he pushes off the island and stalks toward me like he’s afraid I’m about to run. Like he needs to hold me still with his own hands. “I made it impossible, because no matter how much I wanted you, and no matter how much interest I thought you showed, I could never be sure I wasn’t holding too much over you. And I was never certain that you would feel you could say no and everything would stay exactly the same. That you and Ana would still have all the support in the world, and we could still be partners and work together and be…be friends.”

Every goddamn cell in my body wants to fold myself around him. I want to drag my fingernails against his scalp and soothe him. To make sure he knows I never thought he would use the money for Ana against me. To tell him to match his breaths to mine.

“I know, Charlie,” I say on an exhale, closing the distance between us by a step. We’re so close I could reach out and touch him. “I don’t know how to convince you it’s true, but I want you. I don’t feel like I owe you this. I don’t feel obligated. I know you would never ask this from me in exchange for everything you’ve done. You’re not Ben. You’remyCharlie.”

He looks at me like he can’t believe me. Like he doesn’t know how. I reach out my hand and lace my fingers through his,squeezing.

“Please believe me. Please trust me,” I whisper, desperation in my voice.

Because that’s what I am. Desperate to touch him, to kiss him again, to feel his skin on mine, to break the tension that’s been building for months. His fingers slip into my hair, cradling my head and tilting it so I can’t help but look directly in his eyes.

“I want to be whatever you want, whatever you need,” he murmurs, and my heart clenches.

“I just want you, Charlie,” I say. I don’t know how to explain that I don’t need anything else.