Page 34 of Threads That Bind Us

She smiles at me, her eyes flashing to Gwen, who’s doing her best to seem like she’s in a good mood. Ana can tell something’s up, based on the worried look in her eyes.

“You want to pick out a movie while I cook, or help me?” I ask, moving to the kitchen and turning on a few more lights. The few times we’ve eaten in at Gwen’s apartment instead of trying a new restaurant, Ana’s insisted on leading in the kitchen.

“Can I take a raincheck on the cooking? I really want to learn more, but…” she trails off, and I wave her off.

“No problem, kid,” I reply, gesturing at the coffee table. “The remote is there somewhere. Pick whatever you want.”

She smiles tentatively and walks down the little stairs, sitting on the edge of the sofa. Gwen stands near the diningtable, watching her sister with her arms crossed over her chest. I don’t want to seem like I’m hovering, so I get to work, pulling out ingredients and watching them out of the corner of my eye. After a few minutes, Ana settles on an old Star Trek movie—I bought every single sci-fi and fantasy movie and TV show available to download—and Gwen finally gives up and joins her.

Her frown softens as Ana snuggles up next to her, chattering about 1980s cinematography and the evolution of special effects. Gwen still throws glares over her shoulder at me, but they’re more annoyed than flat-out pissed.

I’m sure that’s about to change.

It takes me less than an hour to finish dinner. I’m not much of a chef, but I followed an online tutorial and practiced three times earlier today. Ana’s still tired, but she seems more at ease as they pause the movie and sit at the table, a throw blanket still draped around her shoulders.

Something in my chest warms at the domesticity of this. Ana is still talking about classic movie makeup. Gwen asks her questions, referencing inside jokes that make them both giggle. I grab Ana one of the vitamin juice things a pediatric cancer blog recommended and pour Gwen a glass of Valpolicella.

“Is that what you want to do in college?” I ask as Ana digs into her dinner. Gwen pushes her food around a bit, but seems pleased that Ana’s hungry.

“I really like makeup design, but I think I love costumes more,” she says, hiding a mouthful of pasta behind her hand. “There’s a lot of cool programs in theatre and movie costume design that I want to check out this summer.” Her eyes flash to Gwen quickly and then back to me. “But there are also schools close to here, too.”

Gwen’s eyes meet mine for a moment, and for the first time all night, she’s not mad. She looks almost relieved.

“You have to make a list of the out-of-state ones so we canplan our summer,” she says, finally starting on her dinner. Ana is poorly suppressing her excitement, the gleam in her eyes clear.

“Some of them are kind of far away,” she hedges, but before she can get too dejected, I jump in.

“What’s your dream school? The number one program you have to check out?” I ask, leaning back in my chair. I don’t have personal connections at many universities in the States, but Emily knows everyone in the biomedical research field. There has to be a connection somewhere.

It’s Ana’s turn to push her food around her plate, hesitating to answer.

“It’s a little crazy. I don’t know if I even have the grades to get in, and definitely won’t be able to get a scholarship,” she says, her voice tight.

I kick her leg gently under the table, and she glances up at me.

“Come on, dream a little,” I say.

I can feel Gwen’s gaze on the side of my face, but I don’t look away from Ana. She blinks a few times before swallowing hard.

“Carnegie Mellon,” she whispers almost reverently. A little sparkle lights up behind her eyes. “It’s one of the best programs you can get into, and everything they do is amazing. I’ve watched, like, a billion videos online.”

“I guess we’ve got a trip to Pittsburgh to plan, then,” I reply, nodding my head at Gwen. “If you guys don’t mind me tagging along, of course.”

Ana seems surprised by the offer, but turns to Gwen, her expression hopeful.

“Can we just go see it? I promise I’ll apply to community college too,” she begs, nearly bouncing in her seat.

Gwen looks back at me, and maybe I don’t just enjoy seeingher angry. Maybe I just crave any moment where she puts her emotions so clearly on display, like she’s doing now. It’s gratitude, and it makes me feel alive.

“Yeah, of course,” Gwen replies, reaching across to tousle her sister’s hair a bit. “Charlie’s going to have to help you with applications, though. That’s not my area of expertise.”

She’s extending an olive branch, forgiving me for forcing her into dinner here tonight. The look on her face, the feeling thrumming through my veins, is almost enough for me to give up my earlier plan. To sink into this little peace.

But I don’t know how to turn that part of my mind off. Even though part of me no longer wants this and wishes I could deviate, the plan is set, and there are too many decades of habit forcing me down the path I’ve laid.

“I’m sure your sister will be much more help when you’re writing your statement of purpose, though,” I say, picking up my fork. “But we can pick nights after school to do ACT and SAT prep, too. I think you’ll probably take them for the first time in a few months, right?”

“I was going to wait until May, just so I had more energy to study. But I can take it any time during junior year if I need to,” she says, her treatment so normal to her now that she doesn’t so much as cringe at the mention of its effect on her life. I don’t know if it’s forced or just Ana’s natural state of rolling with the punches. “But you don’t have to come all the way into the District to help me study.”