Page 22 of This Vicious Dream (Kingdom of Death #1)

Madinia

I’m up early the next morning, and I leave the men sleeping as I gather fresh clothes and make my way toward the river.

I’ve spent my life seamlessly transforming hurt into fury. I learned how to fuel myself with my rage, blocking out any vulnerability that could threaten what little peace I could find.

But my usual techniques are no longer working. As Calysian disappears with each step closer to the grimoire, Calpharos appears in his place.

I strip, placing my clothes on a larger rock as I shiver in the morning air. The water is only waist deep here, and I’ve picked a sheltered bend where the water is calm.

Slowly, I step into the river. It’s shockingly cold, and my teeth immediately begin to chatter. But the frigid temperature is an acceptable distraction, however temporary.

My skin prickles and I force myself to take another step. I scrub my skin with river sand before switching to soap, debating whether to wash my hair.

“Now that’s a sight I’ve missed.” I whirl, and Calysian grins at me.

“What are you doing?” My voice is sharp, even as the sight of his dimple makes relief shudder through me.

He scans my naked body, his gaze lingering on my hardened nipples. His eyes turn glazed, and he takes a step closer. “Bathing.” His voice is hoarse, his expression tight.

“Does Haldrik know where we went?”

He gives a disinterested shrug, his hands moving to his shirt. I search his face, Calpharos is nowhere to be seen. Something itches at the edges of my mind, but Calysian’s shirt hits the ground, and he winks at me.

When his pants follow, I turn back to the river. Perhaps, if I don’t look at him, I’ll be able to ignore the heat radiating through my body. The water is no longer frigid on my overheated skin, and I move deeper.

“Madinia.”

Calysian steps into the river and he lets out a hiss. “Look at me.”

His scent drifts over me, and I take another step, unsurprised when he catches my shoulder, turning me to face him.

He gives me a smug, very male look. “You’re afraid of your reaction to me. You want me.”

I heave a sigh. “I’ve already had you.” The words are strangely lewd when I say them aloud, and my cheeks heat.

Calysian merely grins. “And I’ve had you. That doesn’t mean we can’t have each other again. And again.”

“That was one night. We agreed.”

“You agreed.” He gives me that arrogant look—the one I find both infuriating and frustratingly appealing. “But you knew you were lying even as you said the words.” He reaches out, trailing one finger down my arm, and just that simple touch makes me shiver.

He’s right.

I never should have allowed him to kiss me the first time. That mistake led to my downfall.

Calysian has never lied to me. He’s never been cagey about his intentions. He wants to find his grimoires and take revenge against his siblings. He wants to make them pay for what they did to him, and truthfully, I don’t blame him.

But there’s no room for me in that plan. Calysian has never specifically said I won’t be going with him, but he doesn’t have to. He’s going up against gods . He’s a god himself.

I was stupid enough to let him in, and truly idiotic to let myself begin to feel something for him.

When he leaves—and he will—it will hurt.

But if I allow him to get any closer, it won’t just hurt. It will break me.

These past days are proof of that.

“What are you thinking?” Calysian’s voice is soft.

I force my coldest expression onto my face. “I’m thinking you’ve ignored my existence for days at a time, and now that I’m standing here naked, you’ve decided to acknowledge me again. I’m thinking I’ve made many mistakes in my life, but beginning whatever this is with you may have been the biggest one.”

His expression turns flat. “I never thought you were a coward, Madinia Farrow.”

“And I always suspected you would be a power-hungry bastard.” I give him my coldest smile. “I ignored my instincts, but I won’t do that again.”

I leave the water, pick up my clothes, and find a tree to change behind. I walk back to camp, miserable and shivering.

Haldrik paces next to the remnants of our fire, his eyes hard. “Where’s Calysian?”

“Bathing. What’s wrong?”

A muscle jumps in his jaw, but he turns away, continuing to pack. “I’ve saddled your horse—Calysian’s stallion wouldn’t let me near it. But we should leave soon if we’re going to make the most of the daylight.”

I study his face, my instincts pricking. Something is wrong.

“Haldrik…is everything—”

Glancing over his shoulder, he gives me a tense smile. “I’m fine. I’m just worried for Daharak and the others.”

Calysian returns, his eyes hot and furious. But they turn cold as he saddles Fox, and by the time we begin traveling south, he’s remote and withdrawn once more. Haldrik keeps close to him, attempting to engage him in conversation, but Calysian offers little more than the occasional grunt.

My stomach turns to knots, my chest tight. If traveling toward the second grimoire is doing this to Calysian, by the time he finds it, he’ll be unrecognizable.

If only I could sneak away and find the grimoire myself. But he’s been careful not to give me any clues about its location.

I wish Eamonn were here. Even if he couldn’t help, he would likely understand.

Eventually, we stop for the day and set up camp.

And when I open my eyes the next morning, Calysian is gone.

I sit up, staring at the spot where he should be sleeping. Somehow, he managed to pack and saddle Fox without waking either of us.

Haldrik gives me a grim look from his own sleeping mat. “I didn’t hear him either.”

“We need to go after him.”

He nods slowly, his eyes on mine. “I don’t know how long he has been gone.”

My heart races, but my instincts roar at me. I keep my expression blank as I nod, turning away.

He’s…lying.

I don’t understand why. Does he think I would judge him for failing to keep Calysian from leaving?

Scooping up my clothes, I move into the forest, ducking behind a tree as I dress. The edges of my mind begin to itch once more, a sense of dread burrowing deep into my chest. It’s a feeling that I’ve missed something, a certainty that something is very, very wrong.

“If we move quickly, we might be able to catch him,” I say when I return. Haldrik is slowly lumbering around camp. He blinks blearily at me, in no hurry to move. Every other day, he has been the first up and ready to go, pacing impatiently while I eat and bathe.

A dark, ugly suspicion takes up residence in my gut.

Haldrik slowly gets to his feet. “Ah, Madinia. Those eyes just gave you away. They flashed with such hatred, it chilled me to my bones.”

My heart leaps into my throat. He gives me a sad smile. He’s less than ten footspans away, his knife already sheathed at his hip.

My sword is lying next to my sleeping mat, too far for me to reach without leaping towards it. But I go nowhere without my knife, and the hilt is a cool comfort in my hand.

I stare at the man who insisted on traveling with us. My heart wilts, and I can barely breathe, betrayal choking the air from my lungs.

I’ve been so, so stupid.

“I spent an entire month in that tower wondering how Kyldare found us that last time. Daharak constantly changed her plans. Only a few people knew the exact route we would take. You must have been one of them. You were the one who told Kyldare where to find us. You knew we were going to be attacked. That’s why you disappeared in Ambrelis.”

Haldrik hunches his shoulders, a deep line appearing between his brows. He looks old and frail and tired. “Kyldare promised he would only take you. He said the others would live.”

“He lied. Carix died that day. He was your friend.”

I remember that much. I remember Carix gently teasing Haldrik about how well he could hold his liquor, remember Haldrik grinning back at him as he agreed to a drinking game.

Haldrik flinches back, looking suddenly lost. I have no sympathy for him.

“They held a knife to Carosa’s throat. Kyldare was going to kill her without a second thought. There was so much blood on the deck of that ship, my boots were painted with it, Haldrik.”

“Then you should have gone with them!”

I let out a bitter laugh. “You know what Kyldare wants, don’t you?” Daharak was so careful to only tell those in her trusted circle. I don’t remember Haldrik being one of those people, but clearly he had been spying for some time. “Were you truly prepared for what would happen if that grimoire made its way into the wrong hands? You know what Regner did to us!”

“I was tired!” he roars. “I never wanted to fight in a war. I wanted to enjoy the freedom of the open seas!”

I curl my lip at him. “Daharak will kill you for this.”

“Daharak’s dead.” His voice is flat, and I stumble backward.

“What—”

“It’s the only logical assumption.”

My lungs unfreeze. “But you have no proof.”

He sends me a pitying look, but I don’t miss the guilt that flashes through his pale eyes. “Kyldare is a monster. We both know he never would have let them live.”

My mind races. Haldrik is going to try to kill me. He has to. Within moments, I’ll be fighting for my life. But I can’t remember what power he has. Which means I need to buy time.

“You’re still working for Vicana.”

Haldrik nods, shoulders slumping. “One of her advisors is fae. The first time I met them was when we docked in Ambrelis. They made me take a blood vow. I was given a list of things I was to do if I ever saw Calpharos. The moment I saw you with him, I knew.”

My head whirls. We were so, so careful not to tell Haldrik we’re searching for the grimoire. And yet he’s known who Calysian is this whole time.

“How?”

“I saw the darkness in his eyes.” He shakes his head at me. “You were right that day. Calpharos will still be alive when all of us are dust.”

Rage ripples through me. Since the moment we met Haldrik, he’s been plotting and spying.

Panic replaces the rage, my stomach churning as a grim knowledge sinks in. Calysian is still weakened from pouring his power into Fox. The action that saved my life may now end his.

“What’s your plan, Haldrik?”

Haldrik shakes his head at me. “You’re trying to buy time. It’s clever, Madinia, but Calysian isn’t coming back.” He reaches into his pocket and I tense. Something flashes silver in his hand and he drops an oval stone onto the ground between us. An otherworldly glow spills from it, as if it holds captured moonlight.

My breath catches. I want to cup the stone in my hand and ponder it. I want to crush it into a million pieces and bury it.

The impulses clash within me, until I’m frozen in indecision.

Haldrik lets out a hollow laugh, and it takes all of my willpower to rip my gaze from the stone.

“Even you are caught in it. I wasn’t expecting that.”

“What is it?”

He shrugs. “Vicana gave it to me. It’s from Calpharos’s world. I was told when I came across the dark god, I was to make sure this stone was near him at all times. Vicana must have been working with a seer. She knew we would meet.”

My mouth is so dry, I can barely speak. “What—what does it do?”

Haldrik smiles. And it’s still that familiar, kind smile. “The weaker Calpharos is, the more difficult it is for him to fight against his true self.”

And he’s been fighting against that true self since Haldrik joined us. Calysian was doing everything he could to stay human, while I was pushing him away, furious that the grimoire was stealing him from me.

But it wasn’t the grimoire at all.

This is why Calysian seemed like he was back to his normal self two days ago at the river. And it explains why Haldrik was so furious that he’d gone to bathe without him.

I’d lashed out at him for ignoring me, accused him of only noticing me because I was naked. But it was because Calysian was no longer in the vicinity of that stone.

Haldrik stayed by his side the entire day, ensuring his stone was close. So close, something within Calysian snapped, and he left. Alone.

“I’m sorry, Madinia. But I’m at the mercy of the blood vow.”

“Where is Calysian going?”

“Toward his grimoire. And Vicana.”

Terror rips a hole in my chest. Calysian is still nowhere near full strength, and Vicana has witches and fae and regiments of soldiers.

I have to get to him.

Haldrik shakes his head at me. “You’re too late.” Sadness gleams in his eyes. “Sometimes, we just have to accept our mistakes.”

“Accept this.” Fire sweeps from my hands, and I shove my flames at him until I’m dizzy. The smoke clears, and Haldrik bares his teeth in a feral grin, his ward flashing between us.

Suddenly, I remember Carix teasing him for more than just his alcohol tolerance.

Haldrik is half fae.

No one would know by looking at his craggy face, his stooped shoulders, his short stature. He didn’t get fae beauty or grace.

But he got a nice hit of power—a ward that would likely rival Calysian’s.

A ward that will outlast my flames.

It gleams a dark blue, held in place by his will alone.

What other powers did he inherit from his fae father?

My heart thunders in my chest, but I force myself to think about Daharak and the others, betrayed by the man they considered family. And then I focus on Calysian, currently walking into a trap.

Fine. I’ll kill Haldrik without magic.

Anticipation and terror war within me. I have to kill him fast. Before Calysian walks into the trap Vicana has set for him.

With a nod, Haldrik unsheathes his own dagger. The world narrows, until all I can see is him as he slowly walks toward me. His knife is long, thin, and I catch strange runes carved into the hilt.

My stomach churns. It has been a long, long time since those days on the ship, when Lonn bullied me into training with him. But if I die here, Calysian dies too. And I have no doubt Vicana will turn this continent to ruin.

Haldrik doesn’t waste time. He launches himself at me, moving faster than I thought he could.

I dodge, sending him a smirk. “Looks like your father passed down a few gifts, Haldrik. And yet he never stayed to raise you, did he? Some part of him must have known you’d become a spineless coward who would turn on his own family the moment he had the chance.”

His eyes widen, then narrow, and he slashes out, his knife slicing close to my throat. Too close.

I dance backward, but he’s still coming, lips thinned, cheeks flushed. I’d known my best chance was to get under his skin, but even I hadn’t anticipated his rage.

Rage that has likely been burning within him for years.

“Take your time. Study the feet and the chest. Don’t get impatient.” Lonn’s voice echoes through my mind. “Let them tire themselves out.”

Haldrik slashes out again, and I dodge, but he’s too fast, his blade a blur as he swipes at me. I thrust my own knife up, and the clash of steel sets my teeth on edge. I twist, freeing my blade and thrust my knife at him, but he jolts back, out of my range.

With a curse, he barrels into me, his body careening into mine. My knife goes flying as we hit the ground and roll. I gape, breathless, momentarily winded. But I manage to strike out, slamming his knife from his hand.

I’m just so stupid. So slow. So unworthy. If I was a better person, maybe this wouldn’t have happened. If there was anything in me worth loving, I wouldn’t have spent so much of my life alone.

I deserve to die. I should just give up now.

My limbs weaken. Haldrik grunts, as if he’s already tiring.

And I know what his true power is now.

Doubt.

Did he use that power to eat at Calysian too?

Cold spreads through my chest, and I choke on a sob.

I’m hurtful and vicious and mean. I’ve been that way since the day I was born. I’m always going to be alone. Calysian is better without me. Everyone is better without me.

Haldrik’s eyes turn intent. “Just give in, Madinia. It will all be over soon.” His gaze fixes on my throat, his eyes lighting with victory.

I let my hands relax from where they’re slammed against his chest. Haldrik leans closer.

I slash out with my nails, raking a path down his face. He roars, rearing back, and I fight like a cat, desperate and ruthless. I wiggle my leg free from beneath him, slamming my boot into his groin.

Haldrik lets out a choked groan. I take the opportunity to roll to my stomach, clawing at the ground. If I can just make it to my knees—

Pain explodes through my scalp. The bastard has my hair in his fist. He drags me to my knees, and blood rushes into my ears, terror searing my chest and exploding through my limbs.

The flash of a blade. I suck in a breath and aim my flames at the bare skin along his arms and face.

Haldrik screams, releasing me instantly. His ward reappears, and he slams his fist into my face. Stars spill across my vision and I slump forward.

Gods, it hurts.

“I thought I would regret this,” Haldrik pants, shoving me onto my back. My head spins, my face on fire. Those huge fucking fists…he didn’t just inherit that shiny ward, and his insidious power. He inherited fae strength too. A strength he must have kept carefully hidden on the ship, or I would have heard about it.

I kick out again, but Haldrik shoves my feet aside, straddling me as his hands wrap around my throat and squeeze. He leans close, avidly watching as I buck and claw at his hands.

No. Not like this.

I writhe, lungs screaming.

My hand grasps blindly at the ground for something…for anything. My fingers find cool stone.

The rock is heavy in my hand. But I smash it into his face.

CRACK.

Blood spurts, and I rear up, as Haldrik cups his nose.

If he hadn’t been leaning so close, it wouldn’t have worked. But he was enjoying watching me fight for my life.

This man I trusted. This man I thought was a friend. This man who sold all of us out.

I slam the rock toward his head again, but his hand slashes out, knocking it from my grip. The move makes him unbalanced, and I kick out, knocking him off me.

Blood pours from his nose, and when he snarls, his teeth are painted with it. I twist, crawling toward my knife. This time, when Haldrik grabs my hair, I’m ready.

I shove my blade deep into his gut, watching as his eyes widen, realization sliding over his face.

“Die, you bastard.”

I push the blade deeper, twisting. And then I pour my flames into him, the darkest part of me reveling in his screams.

I stumble to my feet, pulling my flames from his body. It was a quicker death than he deserved. And yet the scent of burned flesh crawls up my nostrils.

Turning, I retch, heaving. When I stumble toward my waterskin, I’m trembling. Sobbing.

The water is cool, and I pour it over my face, still unable to look at the corpse behind me.

“Madinia.” The voice is feminine, shocked, and filled with compassion.

The world stops. My knees turn weak.

I know that voice.

Slowly, I turn.

Am I…dreaming?

No. That’s Asinia walking toward me, her face freckled from the sun, her hair swept back in a braid. Demos is at her side, his amber eyes almost glowing against his tanned skin. Those eyes narrow, and he gives me that same familiar, vaguely impatient look.

Rythos steps through the trees behind them. His pointed ear is pierced, and the gold ring suits him. One eyebrow arches as he takes in Haldrik, his expression turing approving. “Somehow, I’m not surprised to find you in the aftermath of murder.” He grins, his white teeth stark against his dark skin.

My knees straighten. My vision sharpens.

They’re truly here.

Asinia wraps her arms around me. And I’m suddenly sobbing again, limbs weak, tears rolling down my face.

“Madinia?” Her arms tighten, but I can hear the shock in her voice. I don’t blame her. I’ve never fallen apart in front of her like this. I don’t even recognize myself.

Rythos grins at me, holding out his arms. He seems surprised when I step into them.

“How…I don’t understand.”

“Your bird,” Demos says wryly, and Eamonn flutters down to sit on his shoulder.

“You…how did you know?”

Eamonn angles his tiny head. “You talk in your sleep. And when you were fevered, you raved. I found it unlikely that they wouldn’t have looked for you. We can talk about this later. First, you need to destroy that stone.”

We all turn to look.

It’s still sitting on the ground where Haldrik left it, the color of fog.

I test my flames, and the fire licks at the stone.

Nothing.

Demos steps forward. “Allow me.”

His power shaped him to be Prisca’s right hand—and to be a lethal threat on the battlefield. He’s faster and stronger than even some of the fae. So I don’t argue when he pulls a hammer from his saddlebag and slams it against the stone.

It shatters into tiny pieces. And the moment that silver glow disappears, something settles deep in my chest.

“How did you find me?” My voice is hoarse, and Asinia reaches for Demos’s hand, the movement easy, natural. He presses a kiss to her knuckles, but his eyes remain on mine.

“When we didn’t hear from you, Prisca began sending out groups of soldiers.” He shakes his head. “But foreign kingdoms don’t take too kindly to that. Eventually, we realized you must really be in trouble, which meant we needed to be more discreet with our search.”

“Prisca went looking for you herself,” Asinia says. “With Lorian. They left the kingdom in competent hands, but then…”

My hands shake, and the world turns blurry. “What happened?”

Asinia gives me a gentle smile. “No, nothing like that. Prisca’s pregnant, Madinia. At first, we searched together. And then we took turns so Demos could keep an eye on things while she was gone.” I stare at her, and her smile deepens. “Lorian finally put his foot down, and even Prisca was forced to admit she needed to stay in our kingdom to protect her heir.”

Demos nods. “Eventually, one of our spies returned with a story about a red-haired witch who was killing men and displaying their corpses in a garden of thorns. We knew that couldn’t be you, but we figured…”

He trails off, staring at me. Asinia’s mouth drops open. Rythos lets out a booming laugh.

I wince. “It’s not as bad as it sounds.”

Rythos throws his arm around my shoulder. “I’m sure they had it coming.”

I grin up at him, my throat suddenly too thick for me to speak.

I was so, so sure they’d abandoned me. I was certain that after I left, they’d never thought of me again.

Instead, they’ve been searching for me for three years. Prisca even left her kingdom to search personally.

“I don’t know what to say.”

Asinia leans against Demos, her eyes on mine. “How about you start with what happened to you?”

I take a deep, shaky breath, and Rythos tightens his arm. “That bad, huh?”

“You have no idea. I’ll tell you everything. But first I need your help.”

Demos raises one eyebrow. “With what?”

“We need to find the dark god.”