Page 3
MY GOD, he wanted her.
Kadar’s hand tightened on his goblet, his gaze following Selene as she moved about the hall.
She was being meek and polite as an angel sent from heaven.
Talking to the old ladies sitting at the side of the room, trailing behind Thea, and helping with the servants.
Not once had she looked at him since she returned to the room with Thea, but he knew she was as aware of him as he was of her.
The awareness was always there.
It had been there from the beginning.
Since the first time he saw her in Nicholas’s house, her thin back scarred from that bastard’s whip, he felt a bond he had never felt before for anyone.
Why was he still here?
The little devil was not going to look at him, and she had evidently decided not to further provoke him.
Tonight.
He had no confidence she would give up entirely.
She was as stubborn and determined as Thea and far more single-minded.
It was probably best if he left Montdhu for a while.
Perhaps when he returned she would be able to give him what he wanted.
Or more likely he would toss this damnable caution aside and forget everything but taking her to bed.
Why not do it now? It shouldn’t be so important to him.
Nothing was perfect.
His life had been full of compromises.
He had grown up on the streets of Damascus, the bastard son of a Frank who had taken his Armenian mother and left her alone and with child.
He had indulged in every kind of wickedness and dark pleasure, from the whorehouses of Damascus to the band of assassins led by Sinan, the Old Man of the Mountain.
He knew all about filth and death and the few precious moments that made life worthwhile.
Then Selene had come into his life, only a child but touching, bonding with him, stubbornly holding back the darkness.
It was a gift beyond anything he had ever hoped to possess.
He should accept what Selene could give and be content.
But, dammit, he wanted this one thing in their lives to be without blemish.
She had paused beneath a torch; her hair shimmered in its flickering light.
She would never be the beauty Thea was, but her spirit lit this smoky hall like a thousand torches.
He wanted to warm his hands before that fire, hold her, teach her .
. .
God, he was thickening, hardening as he looked at her.
He couldn’t stand this.
He would cross the hall and hold out his hand to her, take her from these people and make—
He muttered a curse and strode out of the hall.
The fresh air did nothing to cool him where he needed cooling.
He would probably not sleep this night.
It would serve him well.
He had always thought martyrs deserved their fate, and he was being disgustingly noble.
“Lord Kadar?”
He turned to see young Haroun, Ware’s page, hurrying toward him.
“What is it?”
“A ship has docked in the harbor.”
He stiffened.
“Our harbor?”
“No, the harbor at Dalkeith, where we first landed when we came to this land. Robert sighted it and rode to give us word.”
It had come.
They had always feared the Knights Templar would discover Ware was not dead and pursue him.
“Only one ship?”
Haroun nodded.
One ship was not bad.
The castle was well fortified and Ware had kept his men battle-ready.
“Did Robert say who captained the ship?”
“Ali Balkir.” Haroun moistened his lips.
“It is the Dark Star, Lord Kadar. The ship that brought us here.”
Sinan.
Kadar felt the familiar chill grip him.
There had been times when he had almost forgotten Sinan.
No, that wasn’t true.
He had buried the memory, but the Old Man was like an underground river, ever present, an eternal danger.
Ruler of a band of assassins whose skill and power had intimidated even the great Saladin, Sinan could never be dismissed so lightly.
“The captain sent a message. He wishes you to come and meet with him.”
It was what he had expected.
He nodded. “I’ll go at once. Have my horse saddled.”
“Do you wish me to come with you?”
The boy was afraid.
Who could blame him?
Balkir was an arm of Sinan, and the entire Christian world feared the Old Man of the Mountain.
“No, I’ll go alone.”
Haroun was clearly relieved.
“I’ll go tell Lord Ware. Perhaps he’ll want to accompany you.”
“No.”
“But I must. He will want to know about the ship.”
“The Dark Star is no threat to him. Why should he be troubled when he has guests? I’ll tell him myself—later. Tell Robert he’s to return to the harbor at once.”
“You’re sure there is no danger?”
“Lord Ware is in no danger, and neither is Montdhu,” Kadar repeated.
Haroun gave him a troubled glance but turned and ran back toward the stables.
Ware would be in a fury when he found out that Kadar had kept the news from him.
Perhaps Kadar would tell him later.
He would make a decision after seeing Balkir.
It could be safe. Maybe he wasn’t here for the reason Kadar suspected.
Kadar!
His head lifted and his gaze went toward the south, where the Dark Star lay at harbor.
Imagination. He could not have heard the Old Man call him from halfway across the world.
It was clearly impossible.
But not for the man who always stood in Sinan’s shadow.
Nasim, the master, the trainer of assassins, the man who was only waiting for the chance to become as powerful as Sinan.
Kadar had seen many mysterious happenings that boggled the mind connected with Nasim.
A chill went through him at the thought.
Nonsense. Nasim was only a phantom from the past. Sinan had not even mentioned him on that last trip to Maysef.
It was Sinan who had sent the Dark Star, and Kadar had always been able to deal with him.
Kadar had spoken the truth when he had told Haroun there was no threat to Montdhu.
Sinan had no interest in Ware or Thea or Selene as anything but tools.
Kadar could keep them all safe.
All he had to do was answer the summons.
It was no use trying to sleep.
Selene swung her feet to the floor, wrapped a cover about her naked body, and moved across the room to the window.
The stones were cool beneath her feet.
It had grown chilly now that midnight had come and gone.
She gazed out into the darkness.
Kadar was out there somewhere.
He had left far before the evening had come to an end.
She hadn’t seen him go, but she had sensed the loss.
It was always as if a flame had gone out when he left a room, everything drained of life.
Where had he gone? To the stables to dice with Haroun and the other men?
Maybe to the Last Hope.
He had a chamber here at the castle, but he often spent the night on board his ship.
Was there a woman with him?
He never brought his lemans to the castle, but the ship .
. .
Rage seared through her and she quickly blocked the thought.
No use to torture herself with imaginings.
She had found out the reason Kadar held her at bay, and she had found out something about herself as well.
So what if she was wary and lacking in trust?
What did he expect? She and Thea had been born slaves in Nicholas’s House of Silk in Constantinople.
They had spent most of their childhood in the house of women, laboring from dawn to dusk at the looms. The only trust they had learned at Nicholas’s was to trust that the lash would fall if they failed in their tasks or tried to escape captivity.
Why could Kadar not accept that in her?
She couldn’t give what she didn’t have.
But if she didn’t give him what he wanted, she might lose him.
He might tire of waiting and go to some other—
She was doing it again.
Trust. Why could she not trust that he would not leave her?
Because it would mean lowering her guard and letting herself become vulnerable.
Yielding that part of her that she had fiercely protected all her life.
How could she be more vulnerable than she was to Kadar right now?
She could think of nothing else but the stupid man.
Her eyes were stinging again.
She would not cry. She was not one to weep and moan when she could take action to find a solution.
But, dear God, the solution to this problem was agonizingly hard.
She was not sure if she even knew how to go about it.
“You understand the message?” Ali Balkir asked.
Kadar nodded. “It’s what I expected.”
“You promised Sinan you’d come and do whatever task he set you. He’s summoning you now. You will obey, of course.”
“Will I?” Kadar smiled.
“I’ll have to think about it.”
Panic tore through Balkir.
It was what he had feared when Nasim had given him this mission.
As a boy, Kadar had walked his own path, and he had even defied Nasim by leaving him.
“You’ve got to come.”
Kadar’s smile faded.
“I said I’ll think about it.”
“Don’t be a fool. It’s Sinan who sends for you.”
“I’ll let you know my decision in three days.”
“We leave tomorrow. Sinan wants you at once.”
“Then he’ll have to wait.” Kadar moved toward the gangplank.
“And have your men stay on board the ship. I want no raping or violence here at Montdhu.”
“Then you’d best make the right decision.”
Kadar glanced at him over his shoulder and said softly, “I have no liking for threats, Balkir.”
Balkir suppressed a shiver as he met Kadar’s gaze.
The overwhelming menace was almost as strong as what he felt when he had confronted Nasim.
“It is Sinan’s threat, not mine. You must come with me.”
“Three days.” He turned and went down the gangplank.
Balkir’s hand tightened on the rail as he watched him leave.
By Allah, he had known there would be trouble.
What would he do if Kadar decided not to obey the command?
Terror iced through him.
He had been given a mission, and one did not fail a mission given by Nasim.
Yet if he attacked the castle, he would risk injuring Kadar, and Nasim would regard that as a failure also.
He would have to find another means to assure Kadar’s compliance.
“Murad,” he called over his shoulder.
“Follow him. Make sure he goes nowhere but Montdhu. I want to know whom he sees, what he does. Don’t let him out of your sight.”
Murad scurried across the deck and ran down the gangplank.
“Why didn’t you tell me last night, Kadar?” Ware demanded harshly.
“It’s only one ship. We can mount an attack.”
“And, if they survive, then they’ll mount their own attack and damage your fine new castle,” Kadar said lightly.
“Stop thinking like a warrior, Ware. No battle is necessary here.”
“I am a warrior.” Ware scowled.
“And you’re an idiot if you think I’ll permit you to go and do that bastard’s bidding.”
“I made a promise.”
“Promises to assassins should not be kept.”
Kadar chuckled.
“Speaks a man who never breaks his word.”
“I’ve never given my word to a devil like Sinan.”
“We all have our own devils. Mine just happens to be a true demon. Or so his men claim.”
“You should know. You were once his man.”
“I’ve known worse demons.”
“Well, I haven’t.” Ware stood up.
“I’ll call the men to arms.
We’ll go to—”
“No, Ware,” he said quietly.
“I told you, no battle. I’ve told Balkir I’d give him my decision in three days. I won’t have you interfere. If you attack the Dark Star, you’ll make my decision for me. Even if you defeat Balkir, I’ll find another way to get to Sinan.”
“Damn you,” Ware said in frustration.
“Why won’t you let me help? You made that promise to Sinan to guarantee he’d free us.”
“Why would you think that?” Kadar teased.
“I freed myself. I just took you along because you amused me. You know how I hate to be bored.”
“Stop joking.”
“Laughter is what makes life bearable. I’ve never been able to teach you that.” He turned to leave.
“You’ll not tell Thea or Selene about this. There’s no need to worry them.”
“And how am I to keep them from finding out? They travel all over the glen, visiting the cottages.”
“You’ll find a way. You wouldn’t want me to be forced into making a premature choice.” He closed the door behind him and moved down the steps to the courtyard.
The choice was already made, and he was sure Ware suspected what it would be.
That was the reason he had told him the decision was to be made in three days.
He didn’t trust Ware not to explode into action as the deadline approached.
The clever thing would have been to say nothing and set sail with Balkir last night.
He might have done it if the captain hadn’t been so damn demanding.
He was lying to himself.
He wanted these three days.
He was always the stranger, living on the outside, but for the first time in his life he had begun to feel at home.
Montdhu had drawn him in and made him part of it.
He wanted to spend time with Thea and Ware.
He wanted to walk the hills and talk to people who had become friends.
He wanted to be with Selene.
No, that would be a mistake.
He should stay away from Selene.
Sinan’s summons had filled him with frustration and anger.
His instinct was to claw and cling to what he had here.
He was feeling too desperate, and desperate men sometimes destroyed what they wanted to protect.
Yes, he would watch her from a distance, but he must stay away from Selene.
“Kadar Ben Arnaud has made no attempt to leave Montdhu,” Murad told Balkir.
“He’s done nothing of note for the past two days. He wanders about the countryside. He dices at the inn in the town. He visits his ship, the Last Hope.”
“Is he readying the ship to set sail?”
Murad shook his head.
Balkir frowned. “Nothing else?”
“I cannot watch him while he’s within the walls of the castle. Lord Ware’s guards let no one in but townspeople having business with the household. I can only report what he’s done outside those walls.”
And that was to act as if the Dark Star did not exist, Balkir thought.
Not a good sign.
“Has he talked to anyone at length?”
“Not outside the castle. He’s at his ship again tonight. Shall I go back and set watch?”
Balkir’s frustration was growing.
“Of course. What else can we do?” He made a sudden decision.
“Wait, I’ll go with you.”
______
“Is he here?” Selene strode up the gangplank of the Last Hope.
Kadar’s first mate, Patrick, nodded.
“In the cabin, Lady Selene. May I take a message?”
Relief poured through her.
She hadn’t been sure she would find him on the ship.
“I’ll tell him myself.” She moved quickly toward the door leading to the cabin.
She knew her way well.
She remembered the first time she had come on board the Last Hope.
She had been ten and three and Kadar had just come back from a voyage.
She had been frantically eager to see him but had carefully hidden it.
She had always been afraid to let Kadar know how he dominated her thoughts.
Not that it did any good.
Kadar always seemed to sense what she was feeling even when no one else did.
She paused at the door.
What if he had a woman with him?
Well, what if he did?
She had not come this far to go back to the castle.
He would have to send the wench away.
She threw open the door.
No woman, she saw with relief.
Kadar sat across the room at his desk, a journal open before him.
She slammed the door behind her.
“Why have you been ignoring me?”
He leaned back in the chair.
“You shouldn’t be here.”
“I tried to speak to you twice at supper tonight and you acted as if you scarce knew me.”
He looked away from her.
“Does Ware know you’re here at this time of night?”
“No one knows. But what if he did? No one would believe anything amiss. Not of you.”
He stood up.
“I’ll take you back to the castle.”
“No.” She moistened her lips.
“Not yet. I have something to say to you.”
“You can tell me tomorrow. I’ll come back to the castle before the noon hour and you can—”
“No.” She shook her head.
“Why are you being like this? We both know that I’m not like those other women in this land. I care nothing for what these Scots deem proper. Do you think I don’t know that they’d shun me like a leper if they knew about the House of Nicholas? The lords and ladies in their great castles treat me with kindness only because Ware is a warrior and a strong ally.”
“Not entirely.” He smiled teasingly.
“I’ve heard them say you have bonny bright hair and a sweet smile.”
A little of the tension seemed to be leaving him, and she must take advantage of any weakness.
“I need to talk to you.” She moved forward until she stood before him.
“You’ve never refused me before.”
His smile disappeared.
“There’s always a first time.”
“Well, you can’t start now. I won’t have it.” Her hands clenched nervously.
“This is too important.”
“That’s why I have to refuse you.”
“It makes no sense.”
“Go back to the castle, Selene.”
She laid her head on his chest. “Don’t do this.”
His muscles became rigid.
“This is so hard for me,” she whispered.
“You’ve got to let me tell you.”
“Oh, God.”
His heart was pounding hard beneath her ear.
“You want me to trust you? I’ll try. No, I do trust you.” She rubbed her face against his chest, struggling to get the next words out.
“I . . . care for you, Kadar. I’ve always cared for you. I think I always will.”
“Not now, Selene,” he said hoarsely.
“It has to be now. I don’t know if I’ll have the courage again.” She was shaking, she realized.
“When I was a little girl, everyone always left me—Mama, Thea—and I saw how men always left Nicholas’s women after . . . It . . . frightened me.”
“I know.”
“It was safer to be alone or not to expect anything.”
“Selene, you have to leave.” He stood rigid, not touching her.
“Now.”
“And then you came. You became . . . my friend. I didn’t want it, but I couldn’t seem to—It frightened me more than anything else. Because I didn’t know how I could stand it if you went away too. And the years passed and I—”
“Come on.” He grabbed her wrist and dragged her toward the door.
“No, I don’t want—”
He was ignoring her.
He pulled her along the deck, past a bewildered Patrick, and down the gangplank.
“Kadar, stop. You’ve got to listen to—”
“I’ve heard enough. Too much.”
He was pulling her up the hill leading to the castle.
She stumbled on a thick thatch of heather.
“Let go of me.”
“When I can turn you over to Ware.”
“I won’t be turned over to anyone.” It was all for nothing, she realized in despair.
She had let down the barriers, sacrificed her pride and independence, and it meant nothing to him.
She doubted if he’d even heard her words.
She struggled to free herself.
“Let go of my arm. You needn’t worry. I’ll go back to the castle. I don’t want to stay with you now.”
He stopped on the path and turned to face her.
“I have to—Oh, for God’s sake, don’t weep.”
“I’m not weeping. I would never cry for a selfish, stupid clod of a man who cannot—”
“Selene . . .” He pulled her into his arms and rocked her back and forth.
“Please . . . I cannot bear this. You tear me apart.”
Oh, God, she loved to be close to him like this.
No, not like this. She put her palms on his chest and tried to shove him away.
“Don’t you dare pity me.”
“Pity?” He smiled.
“I wouldn’t dare. It’s myself I pity.” His hand gently stroked the hair at her temple.
“I’ve been doing my best to—It’s the wrong time, Selene.”
“Right time. Wrong time. You have no right to decide what’s the wrong time for me.”
“No one else has a better right. You belong to me. You always have.”
“I belong to no one but myself.”
“Then will you let me belong to you?” He smiled.
“I’ll be very fine property, meek, obliging, always ready to—”
“Stop it.” She could barely see him through the tears.
“Just let me go.”
“I’m afraid it’s too late. I don’t think I can.” He pushed the cloak from her shoulders.
“I want it too much. Lord, I want it.”
“Want what?” Then she realized what he meant, and she went still.
“You wish to couple with me?”
He bent forward and his tongue touched her lips.
“Tell me no. It will be hard, but I can stop if you tell me no.”
Her lips tingled beneath his tongue, and she could feel the heat of his body reach out to her.
Panic tore through her.
Tell him no. She had always revealed too much of herself to him.
The yielding of her body was another surrender.
Trust him. He’s different.
He won’t leave you.
But what if he did?
She stepped back away from him.
He went still. “No?” His breath expelled.
“Very well, if you—”
“Hush.” All the years, all the bright ribbons of togetherness could not be denied.
She closed her eyes, reached down, and pulled her gown over her head.
“At the House of Nicholas the women came naked to the men they had to pleasure. Is that what you want?”
She heard the sharp intake of his breath.
“Yes, that’s what I want.”
She opened her eyes to see his gaze on her body.
“I don’t know—I have strong feelings, but I’m not sure . . . I watched the women couple with the customers at the House of Silk and it seemed . . . You will not hurt me?”
“Hurt you? God, you’re still not ready. I should wait until—” He took a step closer, his teeth clenched.
“But I can’t. May God forgive me, I have to have this.”
He put his hand on her breast.
She arched upward as a wave of heat shot through her.
She lost her breath.
“That’s how it starts?”
“Sometimes.” He pulled her down on the ground.
“It changes.” He was rapidly discarding his clothing as his lips closed on her nipple.
“But it’s always good.” His tongue teased while he sucked strongly.
Good? She didn’t feel good.
She was hot and tingling and filled with a strange, frantic need.
She couldn’t get close enough to him.
She could smell the crushed heather beneath her and the scent of Kadar over her.
Familiar, so familiar.
Nothing to fear. Kadar wouldn’t hurt her.
He did hurt her. But it was only for a moment and then he was deep inside her.
He paused, his chest rising and falling, looking down at her.
“Do you know how long I’ve wanted to be here, like this?” He flexed slowly and she caught her breath.
“You’re so tight. I’ll try to go easy.” His features were taut with strain as his hips began to move carefully.
“Just don’t move.”
She had to move.
She was too full, stretched, and yet she needed more.
She lunged upward.
He gasped, his hands grasping her shoulders.
“No.”
“I need—”
“Don’t move.”
She paid no attention.
Her hips moved to take what she needed.
His teeth bit into his lower lip.
“All right. Have it your way. I should have known it would be like this.” He plunged deep.
He drew back. Plunged again.
Fast. Hard. Harder.
She couldn’t breathe.
Rhythm. Fire. Friction.
Fullness.
She wanted to scream but no sound came.
Her hands reached out and clasped his shoulders.
Kadar. Part of her. Heat.
Need.
Always.
Let it be always.
“Stay . . .” she gasped.
“Don’t leave me.”
“Never.” His teeth were drawn from his lips.
“So good. I may stay in you forever.”
No, he didn’t understand, and she couldn’t explain.
Not now. Something was happening.
Something . . .
“Now.” He looked down at her, his face twisted with agony.
“Please . . . I can’t wait any longer.”
She cried out as he thrust with powerful force.
His back arched and his eyes closed.
Release.
He collapsed on top of her.
Her arms closed tightly around him.
Kadar . . . Kadar . .
.
Hers.
He moved to the side and looked down at her.
“I cheated you.” He bent down and kissed her lingeringly.
“Forgive me. I needed you too much. I couldn’t wait.”
She looked at him in bewilderment.
“Cheated? But I found it very pleasant.” It was an understatement.
It was true she still felt restless and oddly unfinished, but .
. . “Should there be something else?”
“Oh, yes.” He grimaced.
“Dammit, I wanted it to be perfect for you. All those years I pictured how it would be and I—”
“Stop complaining. I’m content.” She huddled close to him.
She knew him so well, yet Kadar’s naked body felt strange against her own.
Smooth in places, corded with muscle in others, the hair on his chest wiry and male against the softness of her breasts.
Strange and stimulating.
“Just stay with me.”
“It’s late. I have to get you back to the castle.” He sat up and reached for her gown.
“Put it on.”
“I want to go back to the ship with you.”
He shook his head.
“Why not?” Her smile faded as she gazed at him.
“What’s wrong?”
“Other than the fact I pulled you down in the dirt as if you were a whore from the streets?” He was throwing on his clothing, not looking at her.
“It was a mistake. God, what a mistake.”
“I didn’t—What are you talking about? I wanted it.”
“You didn’t want it, dammit. How could you know whether you wanted it or not? You were a virgin.”
“Well, I wanted to be close to you.”
“So I took what I wanted because I knew you wouldn’t refuse.”
“Why are you talking in this foolish way?” Her hands clenched nervously.
“You’re confusing me. I came to you because you told—I had to show you that I trusted you.”
“And I made you pay the price. Christ in heaven, don’t you realize you could be carrying my child?”
Guilt?
She smiled, relieved.
“Is that all? That’s nothing that can’t be mended. Wed me, Kadar.”
“I can’t.”
A chill went through her.
“You don’t wish to wed me?”
“I can’t. ” His lips tightened.
“I’m going away tomorrow.”
She stared at him, stunned.
“There were no plans for another voyage. Where?”
He was silent.
“ Tell me.”
He shook his head.
“When will you be back?”
“I’m not sure.”
“I’ll go with you.”
“Not where I’m going.”
“Anywhere.”
He shook his head again.
“You have to stay here.”
Alone.
He was leaving her. He was like all the others.
Taking and then going away.
“Very well.” She slowly stood up and numbly pulled her gown over her head.
“Don’t look like that.” His hands fell on her shoulders.
“Do you think I want to leave?”
“Men always do what they wish to do.” She looked away from him.
“They couple and then they go.”
“For God’s sake, I’m not like the men in Nicholas’s house. You know that.”
“I don’t know anything. Except that you’re going.” She jerked away from him.
“And that I’m a fool.” Her eyes were suddenly blazing at him.
“I’ll not be one again. You need not run because you think I’ll bother you. Coupling is nothing. Animals in the field do it and then wander away.”
“It wasn’t like that. You’re not thinking, Selene.”
No, she was only feeling, and the pain and anger were growing every second.
“I would have done anything. I came to you and told you things that hurt me to say. I had no pride. I wanted to show you. . . Trust? You had no right to ask it of me.” She snatched her cloak from the ground.
“You had no right to ask anything of me.”
She turned and started up the hill at a run.
“Wait.” Kadar’s footsteps behind her.
“I’ll go with you.”
“Don’t you come a step farther,” she said over her shoulder.
“Come close to me and I promise I’ll knock you down this hill.”
The wind tore her hair as she put on speed.
Go faster. Get away from the hurt.
Try to leave the pain behind.
Kadar’s hands balled into fists at his sides as he watched Selene run up the hill.
He had hurt her. After all the years of care and patience, he had reached out and grabbed what he wanted.
She had come to try to give him what he wanted of her.
He had ignored that gift and taken her body instead.
Then, in the next breath, he had destroyed that fledgling trust.
What was he supposed to do?
Tell her about Sinan?
Neither she nor Ware must know before he left on the Dark Star.
Damn, it had been hard not to tell her.
Everything he wanted, she offered, and he’d thrown it back at her.
May God curse you, Sinan.
She was now lost in the shadows cast by the castle walls.
He turned away and stared down the hill toward the harbor.
He would board the Dark Star in the morning and tell Balkir to set sail at once.
The sooner he reached Maysef, the sooner he could accomplish his mission and come home.
If he lived through it.
He would live. He wouldn’t let Sinan win by claiming either his soul or his life.
He would come back to Montdhu.
He would come back to Selene.
Kadar wasn’t following any longer.
The drawbridge of the castle loomed ahead.
Selene could barely see anything in the dense shadows cast by the stone walls.
Soon she would be in her chamber, closing out the shadows, closing out Kadar.
Fool. She had been a fool.
No more.
Build the wall again.
Let no one in.
Safer that way.
Let no one—
Agony seared through her left temple. Darkness.