Page 31

31

I am broken.

The past two months have been some of the worst months of my life.

Even hockey holds no happiness for me. We fought tooth and nail to get to this point, but I do not feel the satisfaction that I should be feeling. Guilt and anger and sadness fuel every single decision and action I make on the ice. All of that energy worked itself out on the rink and now here we are, in the last series in the playoffs against Colorado, one of the best teams in the NHL. The Stanley Cup is finally within reach again, but an unending cycle of memories, good and bad, fill my head with Brooke in every waking hour and even at night. I dream of her, wake up reaching for her in bed. During games, I often catch myself looking in the stands, foolishly wishing she was there, hoping to see her standing outside the locker room with a ridiculous hot pink headband.

I should have told Brooke about the bet the moment she walked into my house on Casino Night. Hell, I should have told her about the bet the moment I made it with Hastings. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve wanted to punch his smug face since the night Brooke ran out of my house and never looked back. Yet, as much as I want to fully blame Hastings for the demise of my relationship with the girl of my dreams, I know it’s my fault. I agreed to the bet because deep down, I did want the captain’s spot and I really did not want Hastings to lead this team. More importantly, I wanted to protect Brooke from anything that may harm her because I love her.

Each time Sunday rolls around, I want to crash Sunday dinner and profess my apologies and love for Brooke, but I am too scared to face any of the Becketts right now. I royally fucked up and I can’t sweet-talk my way out of this one. My heart has never hurt like this. I’ve also never loved anyone like I love Brooke. Because I do still love her. Even though I’ve lost her.

I lost everything that truly ever mattered to me, save for hockey, in one night: my best friend, my second family and the girl I wanted to call mine forever. Bradley hasn’t spoken to me, except if needed on the ice, and I don’t even know how to salvage that. We’ve gotten in disagreements before, but it always got solved with a handshake and an, “It’s alright man. We good?”

We aren’t good. Not this time. This time, there was much more at stake. What Jen said in Telluride was true. I should’ve listened to her. I would be spending the night with Brooke in my arms instead of tossing and turning, wishing she was next to me.

I hear something that snaps me out of autopilot: “Lawson. Can I see you in my office?”

Coach caught me at a good time. I was about to put on all my gear and skates for warm ups. I go right past all my teammates, even Bradley, without so much as a handshake or even acknowledgment they are there. I know what this meeting is about. If someone would’ve asked me a few months ago what I wanted most, I would have without hesitation said this damn captain’s spot and my hands on the Stanley Cup again. But my priorities have changed. Not that I don’t still want those things – they just aren’t as important anymore.

“Have a seat. I’ll make this quick.”

I sit and cross my arms.

“I have a tough decision to make. There can only be one captain on this team. I can’t deny the leadership that you have exhibited throughout your time here with the Storm. You are clearly the favorite, Lawson. You and Hastings are unmatched talent in the entire league. Personally, I always thought you were better. One of you has to stay the alternate. This is your time to vouch for yourself. Cast your vote, so to speak.”

My heel is tapping the ground with restless energy. There is a huge lump in my throat because I never thought I would say these words. Ever since I picked up a hockey stick, this has been my dream. Until I met her. “Go ahead and give it to Hastings.”

Coach looks shocked. “Can I be so bold as to ask why you would give up this opportunity?”

“Because it blinded me from what truly matters in my life. Yes, this is a career, but it’s not going to last forever. I know what I am capable of and I am a damn good hockey player. I have been living my dream of playing in the NHL for almost a decade and to wear that C on my jersey would be an honor…”

“So, why are you letting Hastings take the spot? When you clearly deserve it more.”

“It is not up to me to determine if I deserve this spot. It’s up to the team and up to you, sir. I am just saying that if you make the decision to give it to Hastings, I will accept it and respect it. I’m sick of playing games and fighting with Hastings about this. I hope that if it’s the other way around, he feels the same way, but I can only control how I feel. Adamski is irreplaceable. His shoes are going to be impossible to fill. If I am granted this responsibility, I will strive to be the best leader I can for this team. I may not do things the way Adamski does things, but I will lead nonetheless.”

“Well that’s all I needed to hear. I am going to converse with your teammates one more time and you’ll know our decision soon.” He raps his knuckles on his desk, switching gears. “Let’s have a good game, Lawson. We are up three games to none. This is the last series before we head to the finals. Let’s put the nail into this coffin tonight. I really want that cup.”

“So do I.” I finally stand up and shake my coach’s hand. “I’ll try my best, sir.”

I sit down on the bench in front of my equipment. I take my shoes off and pull my shirt over my head.

To my surprise, Bradley comes and sits next to me, already dressed for warm-ups. “Hey man, how are you doing?”

Bradley is talking to me now? He hasn’t spoken a word to me, outside of our normal communication on the ice, since the playoff party. “I’m fine.”

“Yeah, say that to your face. I can see how intense your jaw is clenched through your beard. You look like hell. You, my friend, are not fine.”

I shake my head and strap my protective gear on my shins. I guess this is my opening to talk to Bradley about what happened, now that things have settled down and it doesn’t look like he wants to pummel me. “Look, man, I am so sorry about Brooke and the bet. Almost right after I made the bet with Hastings, I wanted to take it back. He just wouldn’t let up. Please know that I tried to break it off. Things just spiraled out of my control because I was too cocky about attaining the captain’s spot. And too cocky that Brooke would never break her rule.”

I glance over at him. He is still looking down, tying his laces on his skates, but I can tell he’s listening.

So I continue. “I promise that I never wanted to hurt Brooke. She means so much to me. I know that I fucked that all up and don’t have a chance with her again. I also care about you, man. You’re my best friend, Bradley.”

Bradley slightly nods and finally makes eye contact with me. “So you tried to call off the bet before I found out?”

Some relief infiltrates my chest and the large pit in my stomach doesn’t feel so big anymore. “Yeah, multiple times. And I honestly thought that at some point he gave up on the whole idea because he wasn’t saying anything to Brooke or to you. But I was clearly wrong.”

“You could have told me, you know. About the bet.” He pauses. “And about Brooke. I just thought we were closer than that. We tell each other everything, bro.”

“I know. I got scared. You, Brooke, your whole family mean a lot to me and I didn’t want the dynamics to change. And I knew you would be pissed off about the bet and the notion of me dating your little sister.”

“Well, yeah. But, still. You should have told me.”

“You’re right. I should have. And I don’t even care about the captain’s spot. I know what matters to me more than any leadership role. That’s what I just told Coach. I’d give it up to have you back in my life again. To have Brooke back in my life again.”

Bradley nods, grabs my shoulders, and looks at me dead in the eyes. “You are an idiot if you think you are giving up that spot, bro. You deserve it. Hastings doesn’t deserve shit. You are the face of this organization… and almost as good a player as me.”

We both chuckle. Then he pulls me in for a hug.

“Thanks man,” I utter.

I get black tape from the top shelf of my locker and start taping my stick with it.

Bradley bumps into me again. “Hey, I don’t think I have outwardly said this but you know that I forgive you, right? For the whole Brooke thing.”

Jagielski and Oakley walk over to us. “And what are we discussing over here? How much you screwed up with Brooke?” Oakley says as he tries to sit next to me in all of his massive goalie gear.

I shoot him a look. To be fair, things did blow up in front of everyone at the playoffs party.

Bradley pipes in, “Yeah, basically. But you know what, bro?” He turns to me. “I know that Brooke is back to hating you, but I can tell my sister misses you. She is extra mopey, and she is baking nonstop – not just for her side gigs. You know my sister, she bakes like this when she is angry or sad. It’s kind of like her therapy. I think she is still in love with you.” Then he rolls his eyes and says, “God only knows why. I mean, personally, I don’t see the appeal.”

I laugh. “God, you are such a dick, bro.”

“So what’s the plan?” Bradley says.

“What plan? Like for the game?” I knot up my laces.

Bradley, Jagielski and Oakley look at each other like they all share a secret I am not privy to. Jagielski says, “Dude, the plan to get Brooke back.”

“Yeah, it’s time,” Oakley adds.

“Time for what? Guys, did you not hear Beckett? Brooke hates me. There is not going to be a plan. My only plan is to go destroy Colorado out there so we can make it to the finals.” I get up and start walking toward the locker room door.

Oakley steps in front of me and doesn’t let me pass.

“Oakley, what the hell are you doing? I need to go warm up man, we all do!”

“Just sit your ass back down, lover boy.” He pushes me onto the bench.

“Did you just call me lover boy?”

“Yeah, because that’s your nickname from now on. Now listen to us!” Oakley insists.

Jagielski chimes in, “Like we were trying to say before you rudely interrupted us, it’s time…for the grand gesture!” He does what I can only describe as jazz hands when he utters the words “grand gesture”.

“Okay, you all are insane!” I start to stand up, but Bradley and Oakley sit me back down. “Look, I don’t know how many times I have to tell you…Brooke hates me and I haven’t heard from her since two months ago. Not since that playoff party.”

Jagielski shushes me with his finger on my lips. “Beckett also said that Brooke still loves you, you dumbass.”

I swipe Jagielski’s finger away and point to him. “Don’t ever do that to me again, Jagielski. And besides, even if that is true, she is not speaking to me. How am I supposed to even do this ‘grand gesture’,” I air quote, “if she isn’t talking to me?”

Bradley inhales sharply, stands up, and holds out his hand for me to apparently take. I slap my hand in his and stand up.

“We’ll figure that out,” he says. “We’re your boys! We are going to help you get your girl, aka my little sister, back.”

I can’t ignore the surge of hope that fills my chest, but I try to tamp it down. I need to be realistic here. Brooke hates my guts and God knows that girl can hold a grudge.

We all grab our sticks and head out into the tunnel, then onto the ice. The crowd gets louder as we approach the arena. A Blink-182 song is already blasting through the speakers. It’s time to lock in on what I really want. Surprising enough, the Stanley Cup looks more achievable than getting Brooke back. I wonder what these guys have up their sleeves.