Page 70 of The Story of You

“How?”

“Depends on the offense and how you stepped over the line. But things like spanking. Maybe revoke a privilege.”

I squirmed with an odd sort of excitement. It wasn’t a sexual thing—not at all—but there was warmth and a glowing from the inside. I wanted and didn’t want the consequences. I immediately ran to tell Darius. He twisted his lips and at first, I thought he was going to tell me I was nuts for wanting to try something like that, but his answer surprised me. “My parents did something like that. I think them stopping is what ruined them.”

“Then why the sour expression? Shouldn’t that mean this is good?”

“I don’t like thinking of that dickhead with my mama for any reason. Maybe I should see if the big lug would do that for me? I want that too but Asher’s not ready to be in charge of houseplant let alone a person.”

Even though I’d already agreed to it, I’m not sure I would have gone through with it without Darius’s approval. I smiled. “I bet he would.”

That’s how Shane became our official disciplinarian. It was like a game of “house” at that age. I was obedient of course. My good boy persona shined through. But Darius has always been a brat. He was the first one of us to earn a spanking. I was a bit jealous. Darius told me I should stay and watch—he didn’t care about stuff like that—even though I told him he wouldn’t be watching me.

He shrugged. “It’s just a spanking.”

How could he be so blasé about it? And I never wanted Shane looking at me with the two sentinels of disappointment perched high in his nose. But then it happened.

Ash and Darius were still some mutated form of together but they broke up and made up a lot. Their undeniable attraction for each other always pulled them back together even if it shouldn’t.

Ash and Darius got into it one fine Sunday. Shane was out in the fields doing some extra work even though it was our Sunday off. Darius chased Ash across the wide front deck where I’d been reading, hollering away at him.

“You lying piece of shit!”

“I told you I wanted him.”

“And I told you, not him.”

“C’mon don’t be mad, babyface. I said you could join.”

“No. No! Don’t you ‘babyface’ me. This is done. It’s over. Go fuck who you want. C’mon Simon,” Darius said.

When Darius called, I went. I didn’t know his plan was to hitchhike into town, pay someone to bootleg for us and drink in an alley, but I still went along with it. Darius was a mess. He thought he was finally done with Ash. He loved him though.

It was well past dark when we got back. No one knew or cared we’d been missing since it was our day off—except Shane. His long hair waved with him. His eyes were stone. He didn’t need to say anything, and I knew I was in for it. Darry was too but he wasn’t as moved as I was. “I’m going to bed Shane. My heart is fucked up. Do what you want to me tomorrow.”

Darius brushed past him, and Shane didn’t stop him. Shane didn’t understand his own actions then—the why of him not going after Darius at that moment—but there’s something a bit more to this kind of relationship than dominance and submission in real life. There’s, “the choice to obey”. If that piece isn’t there, then it doesn’t matter what else exists between you and in you. A person’s gotta want to obey someone. For brats, it’s harder because they’ve got to be almost forced. Almost but not quite. The choice to obey still exists though. Else they’re just faking. Or pleasing.

Shane going after Darry at that moment wouldn’t have served any purpose.

My heart wasn’t broken though. I’d just been thirteen-year-old foolish. I was ready to pay the piper. “I’m sorry,” I said.

Shane’s always loved first. He pulled me to him in a bone-crushing hug. There were tears. “I didn’t know where you’d gone, Simon.”

“Darry and I fucked off. We drank beer. Lost track of time.” I wasn’t drunk. We’d only polished off a six-pack over the day, which was hours ago.

“Thirteen’s too young to be drinking at all, little bird.”

We were especially cognizant of things that we deemed unsuitable for children. Some actually were and some weren’t. We had strange ideas as kids.

There was straightforward stuff, like the house rules everyone was supposed to follow. If Shane caught Dar and me first, we caught it from him instead of the adults who tended to be overzealous with discipline for breaking those rules. Other things we left up to Shane. For me, I liked behaving. Mostly. The “mostly” because I looked forward to the discipline. Craved it.

Darius still thinks I’m fucked up for that but that’s because he’s a brat and I’m not.

It took me a while to understand how brats worked. Why did he ask to be included in our thing when he didn’t seem to want to behave much? He ended up over Shane’s knee more often than I did. I assumed it didn’t work for him. Or that maybe it had to do with his upbringing. I asked him one night while I held him after Shane had taken him to task.

“It lets me get it out,” he said.

“It?”