Page 9 of The Question of Us (Fisher & Church #2)

Samuel continued, “I wanted to tear you limb from limb that day. Davis had been ridiculously excited about the idea when he first mentioned it to me, so sure you’d feel the same way. I’d never seen him so happy... and then so broken.”

A tide of guilt rose in my chest to choke my throat and I had to look away, my cheeks on fire.

“I was a different person back then.” I spun my coffee cup in a slow circle.

“It was so unexpected. To be honest, I hadn’t dreamed he’d want to stay with me.

I’d always thought we had a limited shelf life.

That I was just lucky to have him while I did. I was scared, okay?”

Sam snorted. “You were a total fucking arsehole was what you were,” he corrected, and rightly so. “You refused to even discuss it with him. Accused him of changing the rules of all things. He loved you and you threw it back in his face.”

My vision blurred around the edges, a humming starting in my ears. “I was wrong, I know. I’m not proud of it.”

“Damn right you were wrong.” Samuel’s voice rose. “You’re lucky Davis forgave you. Not sure I would’ve, if I’m honest.”

“I apologised,” I protested.

“Only because he turned up on your doorstep and forced a conversation, remember? Like he always did when things got heated between you two. He stepped up, whereas you rarely had to. Must be nice.”

I did remember. I wiped a hand over my damp cheeks and finally looked up. “I loved him, Samuel. I still do. And it wasn’t always like that. I learned to trust his feelings for me. It took time, but I got there.”

Samuel sighed and pulled his chair closer.

“I know you did. And I’m not saying you’re the same person you were back then.

Both of you changed over the years. You helped him too.

You grew into each other, softened each other’s edges.

But you get why he didn’t tell you about what he was doing, don’t you? About Lachlan and Justin?”

Of course I did. “If he’d mentioned it, the issue would’ve devolved into a big fight. I’d have been furious that he was putting himself in danger for the sake of a damn book.”

“No,” Samuel amended. “For the sake of his professional integrity .”

“Yeah, okay.” I pulled a face, hating that he was right.

“But I just wanted him safe. You two were lucky. You grew up in a family that loved you. You trusted that those people would be there for you. That fights didn’t always end in violence or someone walking out of your life.

” I choked at the memory, my mother’s desperate face pressed up against the passenger window as she’d been driven away.

Samuel laid a hand on my arm. “Take a breath.”

I took two just to be safe. “Davis was the first man I ever loved and the only person who ever loved me as an adult. I barely remember my mother’s love.

And my father? Well, whatever that was, it wasn’t love.

I didn’t grow up believing that I deserved love or that it would always be there for me like you did.

Even if my mother did love me, it didn’t stop her from leaving, did it?

Which is why I ran scared when Davis wanted us to live together.

I’d hoped, even fantasised about a future like that.

But when he said the words out loud, the thought of it not working out, or of him leaving, was just too fucking terrifying.

Even when we were finally living together, I was still looking over my shoulder for the other shoe to drop.

Still living in fear that it was all going to blow up in my face. Overcoming that took years.”

Samuel met my desperate stare with a troubled one of his own. “I hate to tell you, but I think you’re still doing it, or rather, you’re doing it again.”

The truth of his words hit like a punch to my heart. “Oh fuck. I am, aren’t I?”

Samuel nodded. “God love you, Nick, but you can be the most stubborn arsehole at times. Yes, you had a crap start in life but that’s no excuse for thinking everything always has to circle around you and your fears.

Davis’s choices were about him and his work.

Work, which meant the world to him, as you well know.

But instead of believing that you’d support him in what he was doing, he worried you wouldn’t understand.

I don’t agree with what he did, but I do understand why. ”

So did I, as hard as that was to stomach. I didn’t say it out loud, but Samuel must’ve seen something in my face.

His hand reached for mine and he squeezed gently. “And in case I haven’t made myself clear—” He waited until my gaze shifted back to his. “Madigan wanting to go to Australia to see this thing through is also not about you.”

I groaned. “Gazza told you everything, I see.”

Samuel nodded. “Going to Australia is about what Madigan went through and what he needs to do to feel okay. It’s about his trauma and his decisions.

Would my professional side rather he didn’t?

Hell yeah, it would. I don’t want him anywhere near those people, but I also know I have zero chance of stopping him if that’s what he’s set on.

I see all sorts of fucked-up shit potentially coming my way as a result, but that’s not the point. ”

“It’s too dangerous,” I argued. “We’re talking about the men responsible for Davis’s death and who knows how many others.”

“Exactly.” He arched a brow. “A little like you pursuing the mystery around Davis’s accident, right?”

I sighed. “Let’s just say it’s been said before.”

Samuel mmm’d. “So, if you care for him and you can’t stop him from going, why aren’t you tagging along to at least keep him out of trouble? Make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid. Keep him safe if that’s what you’re so worried about?”

I grimaced. “You do realise that the men involved with Lee are the same ones responsible for Davis’s death. It fucking does my head in.”

Samuel huffed. “Yes, I’m not unaware, although I think Madigan might have lost focus about that aspect.”

“Yeah, I know.” I shook my head. “But that’s not his fault.”

A soft smile stole over Samuel’s face. “You really like this guy.” Statement, not question.

One I avoided answering. “I suppose I’m hoping that if I don’t go with him, then Mads will think better about it and change his mind.”

Samuel sputtered. “And exactly what part of Madigan’s stubborn personality led you to believe he’d cave to your tricks. Are you nuts? Not to mention, what kind of relationship are you hoping to build based on that kind of manipulation?”

I groaned. “I thought you said you weren’t good at this stuff?”

A smile lit up Samuel’s face. “I’m speaking from experience, mate. Don’t repeat my mistakes. And let’s just say Jerry doesn’t let me get away with that shit anymore, a little like your man?—”

“He’s not my—” I stopped before the lie left my mouth.

Samuel smirked. “I thought so. So, instead of supporting Mads, you’re walking away because you can’t see past the fear of losing someone else you care about, while at the same time being too frightened to go all in with him, while trying to manipulate him to give up something important.

Kind of leaves the poor man damned either way, wouldn’t you say?

I’d kick your sorry arse to the kerb as well. ”

I closed my eyes, the words coming out on a whisper. “I know, okay? And he should. I care too much to lose him, and I care too much to take a leap of faith. I just fucking care too much, okay?”

Samuel squeezed my hand again. “Goddammit, Nick, you get yourself in some real pickles sometimes, but I get it. Madigan gets it. We all fucking get it.” Samuel took a slow breath.

“But guess what, Nick? It’s true. You might lose him.

Just like I might lose Jerry. Or we both might lose Lizzie.

Like you lost Davis. Madigan might die in a plane, or under a bus, or from meningitis, or from any number of things.

The world is a dangerous place. It would be unfair and a fucking tragedy, but that’s life.

You take a chance, or you may as well start digging your own grave today. I’ll even buy you a shovel.”

I looked up at him, shocked as he rattled on.

“And that would be a damn shame because you, Nick, are one of the finest men I know. Davis loved you to bits and you made him shine like no one else could. I couldn’t have wished for a better man to be his soulmate or a better brother-in-law.

I’m so fucking proud of you, but I also don’t believe that you’re done.

I think there’s more love in you yet if you can just get over yourself. ”

I blinked, needing a moment to unpack everything he’d said. Samuel liked the idea of Mads and me? He was proud of me? I was one of the finest men he knew? I wasn’t quite sure what to think about any of it.

Samuel’s cheeks reddened, like he’d said more than he’d meant to. “All I’m saying is that you should stop being a prick and explain yourself properly to Madigan. Use your grown-up words. Then maybe Gazza and I can get some work done.”

“Explain myself?” I fought a smile. “According to you, I walked away from a man who needed my support because I was a total dick. Exactly how do you suggest I explain myself?”

He shrugged. “How the fuck would I know? I’m not going to do everything for you. Hell, I can barely keep my own relationship in order, and no, you can’t ask about that. Not now.”

My mouth snapped shut again.

“But if you really want some advice?—”

“Do I have a choice?” I muttered.

He smirked. “My advice after talking to Gazza would be not to dilly-dally.”

My heart fluttered nervously in my chest. “Dilly-dally, huh?”

“My brother might’ve been soft on you,” Samuel continued, “but Madigan Church won’t make that mistake. He’s made of sterner stuff and you might’ve already burned that bridge.”

I squirmed under his gaze. “And that’s supposed to encourage me?”

“No,” he said evenly. “It’s supposed to scare the ever-loving fuck out of you.”

Okay then. Not that I’d ever tell him but, yeah, mission accomplished.

I had a phone call to make.