Page 11 of The Question of Us (Fisher & Church #2)

His smile faded and he studied me for a long moment, looking more nervous than I’d ever seen him.

“I’ve been a dick,” he said, those grey eyes locked on mine.

“And I’d like to come with you to Melbourne if that’s okay.

If it’s not, then I totally understand and I’ll leave again, if that’s what you want.

” He took a breath, his gaze bouncing around my face like it didn’t know where to land.

“I should have supported you. I should have talked about what was going on in my head. Instead, I made it all about me.” He grimaced. “Shocker, right?”

I swallowed the smile that wanted to break over my face because this felt far too important.

We were building foundations here. Important ones.

The basis for a possible future together.

“Let me guess.” I cocked my head and raised a questioning brow.

“You had some help with that particular revelation, yes?”

Nick gave a one-shoulder shrug and sheepishly admitted, “Goes without saying, I think. We arsehole types tend to need that. Gazza called Samuel who then landed on my doorstep to rip me a new one.”

“Gazza?” I huffed in surprise, then turned at the sound of the hallway door softly closing. “You better skulk away and fast,” I called out. “We’ll talk about this later.”

Nick smiled. “Don’t be mad at him. He was worried about you, that’s all. Like I should’ve been instead of having my head up my arse.”

I snorted. “I’m not going to argue with you there. Is Gazza the reason you’re sitting out here?”

Nick chuckled. “That would be it. He wouldn’t let me put one foot inside the house without your permission.”

I finally smiled. “Remind me to give that man a raise... after I chew him out.”

Nick’s expression remained serious. “I’ve needed to apologise to you far too many times already, but once again, I am sorry, Mads. I’m sorry I didn’t stay and talk things out because you’re right. This is about you and me, and if I shut you out, we’ll blow up before we even start.”

“What makes you think we haven’t already?” I said evenly, wanting to scare him a little, because there was no way I was going through that particular scenario again. There’d be plenty of other battles in our future. We were both stubborn men, but this push-me, pull-me had to stop.

“I...” He gave a small shake of his head. “Nothing, I suppose. If I’ve fucked this up beyond repair, then that’s on me. Samuel says I can’t get out of my own way, so this is me trying to. All I can do is hope you haven’t given up on me.”

I hadn’t but just admitting it felt too easy. I wanted him to sweat a little. “Why did you change your mind about following up on Lee? After everything we’d discussed those first couple of days after the boat?”

Nick pulled a face. “It sounds pathetic, but I just wanted it all to be over with. You were right about that too. I don’t like not being in control and I was being selfish.

My life has been a mess these last few months, and I didn’t want another drama, especially one that put you back in danger.

Partly because of the risk. Partly because I failed to grasp how important it is to you.

Partly because I think it gave me an excuse to take a step back because I really don’t want to see the arseholes responsible for Davis’s death in person.

I don’t fucking know how I’m going to handle that, and to be honest, it scares me.

” His eyes left mine and danced nervously around the room.

“It feels like I’ve been spoiling for a fight for months and I’m so fucking sorry that it’s coming out between you and me. You don’t deserve that.”

And oh fuck. I hadn’t even considered how Nick might feel seeing the men responsible for his husband’s death. I’d been totally oblivious. I hadn’t looked past my own selfish need to help Lee. I should’ve been more concerned about Nick. I’d fucked up.

I put a hand on his chest and waited for him to look at me.

“I’m so fucking sorry. I didn’t really consider the enormity of what I was asking you to do.

I was too wrapped up in my own guilt. You have every right to not want to see those guys.

I don’t blame you one bit. Maybe you should listen to those concerns of yours.

Maybe we both should. I should’ve been thinking of you and I wasn’t.

What does that say about me? About us? It’s starting to feel like we’re trying to force this relationship. ”

Nick’s eyes widened. “No. No. I... I don’t think we’re forcing anything .

It’s the opposite, in fact. Being with you is the easiest thing in the world, too easy if I’m honest. Maybe that’s half the problem.

And not wanting to face the guys responsible for Davis’s death is only a small part of it all, maybe even an excuse so that I don’t have to face the real issue. That it’s me who’s screwing things up.”

I reached for his hand but he pulled it away. “Nick, please?—”

“No, let me finish,” he interrupted. “I don’t trust that I can give you what you deserve.

That I won’t fuck it up. Or that you won’t eventually get sick of me and walk away.

I’ve been looking for problems when they’re not there.

Looking for an excuse because I’m so fucking bad at relationships and love and considering other people.

And yes, there’s Davis too. But not in the way you think.

I feel guilty for not feeling more guilty than I do about moving on with someone else, even though I know that’s what he’d want for me. ” He finished on a choked cry.

I stepped closer and cupped his face, brushing my thumb over his damp cheek.

“People haven’t always stuck around in your world, I know that.

Your mother. Your father. Even Davis. I can’t promise that something won’t happen to me too, Nick, or that we won’t have problems like every relationship does. Maybe even big problems.”

Nick’s breath quickened and new tears gathered in his lashes.

“I know. Samuel said the same. He said that I’ll lose you if I walk away.

I’ll lose you if I push you away. And if I don’t do either of those, I might lose you anyway.

So basically, I’m fucked any way you look at it, and all I really need to decide is whether I want to get to know you regardless of the risk. ”

I traced his lips with my finger. “Samuel’s a smart man. What did you decide?”

Nick took my hand and kissed the tips of each finger before looking directly into my eyes. “I’m here, aren’t I? Or more accurately, we are.” He stepped aside, and for the first time, I registered the cat carrier sitting on the lawn in the shade.

How did I miss that?

My heart squeezed, because more than anything Nick had already said, the fact he’d brought Shelby with him was all I really needed to know. I crouched down and stuck a finger through the wire mesh. “Hey there, gorgeous girl.”

Shelby responded by rubbing her face against my finger and purring softly.

Nick snorted. “She’s a damn traitor is what she is. Bitched at me all the way home yesterday, and now look at her. She likes you way better than me.”

I scratched under Shelby’s chin. “She has excellent taste, that’s why.”

Nick barked out a laugh and my heart lifted at the sound.

Dammit, I was so gone for this man. I lifted the carrier into the house and Shelby immediately bounced free and began scouting the place for any intruders while she’d been gone.

I watched her go, then turned around to find Nick still standing on the doorstep.

“Does that mean I get to come in?”

I narrowed my gaze and leaned on the doorframe, blocking any entry.

“Not yet. It means Shelby gets to come in. You and I aren’t done yet.

We’re very different men, Nick, and not just you and me.

Davis and me, as well. I’m not some puzzle piece that you can simply squeeze into that Davis-shaped hole you have in your life. ”

Nick took both of my hands in his. “I know. And although I might not show it, I really like that the two of you are so very different.” He tipped my chin up, those grey eyes locking on mine, more vulnerable than I’d ever seen them.

“I more than like it.” He took a deep breath.

“I’m falling for you, Mads. Maybe even falling in love with you.

And that includes every one of those differences you seemed so concerned about. ”

I froze, shocked silent at words I never expected to hear so soon. Nick was cautious and stubborn, but most of all, he was scared. Of me. Of us. Of what might happen between us. That he was all those things and he still found the courage to say he was falling for me meant every fucking thing.

He gave a soft huff and looked ridiculously relieved. “There, I’ve said it out loud and the world is still turning.” He tapped his chest. “And Davis is still here.”

Oh, God. I wasn’t sure I could get the words out without breaking down. “Is that what you’ve been worried about?”

He swallowed hard. “Stupid, right? I couldn’t imagine holding both of you in my heart at the same time.

It didn’t seem possible, like one would cancel the other.

That falling for you would mean losing some of him in the process, and I couldn’t do that.

I’m losing enough of him as it is. All his different smiles.

The sound of his voice when he’s tired, hungry, aroused, sad.

Pieces of our life together falling away like paint chips off a landscape. It’s fucking awful, Mads.”

I went up on my toes and brushed my lips across his.

“But now you know you can have both of us in your life at the same time.” I stroked his cheek with the back of my hand.

“I don’t believe we’re born with a finite amount of love in our heart and when it’s gone, it’s gone.

” I kissed him again. “I believe love begets love. The more love you give, the more you have to give. It’s like the best fucking miracle. ”

Nick’s hands slid around my waist, pulling me even closer. “And you don’t mind sharing my head and heart for a bit? It’s pretty crowded.”

I ran a finger down his throat to his chest and flattened my palm over his heart, over his owl.

“I could never take Davis’s spot in your heart, and I don’t want to.

That’s his place. All I hope is to claim a small piece of it for myself one day.

Davis is part of you and always will be.

Hell, he’s the reason we even met. I’m not jealous of him; I’m thankful.

He helped make you the man you are, and there’s a lot to love about that. ”

Nick ran his fingertips up and down my spine. “But I’m still not an easy man to be with.”

I laughed. “And thank God for that. Perfection is not a turn-on, believe me. Besides, I’m not so bright and breezy myself.”

He pressed his lips to my forehead. “Maybe not, but I do want to do better. I promise I’ll try, even if I might need reminding from time to time. You know of anyone who might want the job?”

I took his chin between my fingers. “Yeah, I might know a guy. But I’m warning you, he doesn’t come cheap.” I kissed him again, long and slow until my toes curled in my jandals and my hands itched to get him out of those clothes.

Nick groaned and pushed me back against the doorjamb, his cock thickening in his jeans alongside mine as our bodies aligned. I fisted his shirt and yanked him into the house. “We need a bed—sorry, bed room .” I dragged him through the lounge toward the hall.

Nick chuckled and swatted my arse. “I thought you had groceries to put away?”

I shot him an aggrieved look. “Are you fucking kidding me, right now?”

He snorted. “Just saying.”

We’d no sooner entered the hallway when the lock on the studio door whirred and Gazza stepped into the hall.

He froze the second he saw us, flushed bright crimson, and disappeared back into the studio lickety-split.

I would’ve laughed if I weren’t too busy hauling Nick through the bedroom door.

I kicked the door shut and shoved him backwards onto the bed.