Page 34
THIRTY-THREE
“You’re right. I got outclassed”
Four days after the death of my parents, news of the terrorist organization spread, drawing my lifespan to an end. I would perish in posh accommodations surrounded with gifts from the hostages we’d rescued. Despite my best efforts, the Thai monarchs kept concocting excuses to keep us around for just one more day. According to my phone, Madelyn wished to speak with me, and if I didn’t answer, I would die a little sooner. Bracing for the worst, I answered, “I love you, please give me five minutes to explain myself before you issue final judgment.”
The woman snorted, and I couldn’t tell if she laughed or prepared to flay my flesh off my bones through the power of her words alone. “All right. I’m going to give you five minutes.”
“My parents sold me out to the terrorists, and I decided to handle the matter personally. Unfortunately—or fortunately, depending on how you view it—a bunch of angry jungle cats beat me to the kill. I was going to gather their ashes after I took my temper out on their corpses, but Terry scattered them into the jungle waters of Cambodia. I have Terry, Daphne, Eddie, Ed, and a bunch of other RPS busybodies here, and Olivia is in on it, so Terry has a much longer lifespan than I probably do.” I grimaced and waited for hell to rain down on my head.
“I see. You went to put an end to a problem, but the local wildlife eliminated the problem for you.”
“You’re right. I got outclassed by some snakes, some crocodiles, some tigers, and some leopards. My self-esteem and ego may never recover.”
Madelyn snickered. “Is there something else you’d like to tell me?”
“Does it involve the crocodile I have been keeping in my pocket or carrying around in a bowl?”
“As a matter of fact, yes.”
“I named her You Scaly Little Bastard in honor of Terry’s past squirrel, but I call her Smalls. I’ve been told she is a runt, and there is no real chance of her survival in the wild. She followed me for half a mile and exhausted herself in the process. I couldn’t abandon her. I am ready to accept my punishment.” As she wasn’t verbally giving me hell, I relaxed and checked on my little girl, who slept in the aquarium taking up the entirety of a dresser and designed to mimic her native environment. Minnows swam in the water for her to chase and eat, flightless insects she enjoyed hunting hid in the tiny plants, and a few young mice made themselves at home, although not for long.
She’d already caught and eaten one, earning praise for her prowess.
I would be heartbroken when Smalls needed to live in a larger habitat, as I adored everything about the tiny crocodile hatchling.
“There was a video of her chasing you. You’re in trouble for not taking pity on her earlier!”
I blinked. “But I was trying to leave the wild animals in the wild.”
“So I was told. Because you were trying to do the right thing, and you ultimately stopped and adopted the poor little baby, all has been forgiven. However, the second crocodile, Ian? Really?”
Crap. Madelyn had learned about my close brush with death while in Cambodia. “Someone recorded me being aggressively cuddled by the monster crocodile?”
“I’m afraid so. Your expression was rather priceless. I laughed myself silly over the moment you realized you would have to shower a crocodile fully capable of killing you with affection. I’m just giving you shit because I can.”
That was something. If Madelyn was in a good enough mood to give me shit solely because she could, I might survive my return trip home. “I’m sorry I’ve been a chicken shit about calling. I wasn’t sure how to tell you about the terrorists.”
“You mean your parents.”
“Well, they’re officially terrorists. Well, they were until the wildlife decided to end the problem for me. At that point, I was mostly feeling guilty out of general obligation. Is Rachel ready to kill me?”
“Yep.”
Shit. “Save me.”
Madelyn laughed. “I already assigned the task of your salvation to Danielle. She is currently begging her Aunt Rachel to read her a story, and I asked her to find out when you’d be able to come home. She won’t be able to kill you once your little girls start crying for their daddy. Also, I need you to get your ass back here to help contain this chaos. They’re angels for me, but the instant I take my eyes off them, they start crying for you or they get into trouble.”
Great. My sister would be on the warpath to drag me back home, kicking and screaming if needed. “If I can’t escape Thailand, how would you feel about coming to me with the girls?”
“Why can’t you escape Thailand?”
“The queen keeps threatening to cry. I made a mistake, Madelyn. She offered me anything I wanted, and I had her pet my baby crocodile. Apparently, this was perhaps the most honorable thing I could do, and they are worshipping me. I don’t want anything for rescuing their daughter. I honestly didn’t care who the hostages were. They needed to be saved, and I decided I’d be involved with saving them. But they’re persistent. ”
“How terrible, Ian. You’re being respected for doing something so very important for them.”
I admired her use of sarcasm. “I’m not sure how to get out of this situation alive, Madelyn.”
“Have you considered inquiring if there might be a horse you could purchase? There is a small horse breed from Thailand that might be suitable for the girls. They’re also good carriage horses. I’ve been told they’re the Thai version of Fjord horses, so they’re short and stout, strong enough to carry even adults.”
I could read between the lines. “If you want one, I can ask about getting a set of four, that way they can be a little herd together. I recommend we get mares, that way I don’t have to worry about gentling a stallion. And I’m man enough to admit I’ll hurt my own feelings if I get another gelding.”
“You loved your horse. That’s understandable. But yes, why don’t you inquire about purchasing four good Lampang horses? That should get the Thai monarchs off your back if they’re that desperate to thank you. And the other families?”
I glared at the pile of wrapped presents taking over an entire corner of my room. “The only reason nobody has insisted that I open these gifts here is that there are presents for you and the girls among them. I claimed I wanted to open everything together as a family. Which is actually true. There are an absurd number of gifts in this room. If my future wife was sharing the room with me, I would not dislike this pile of presents as much.”
Madelyn giggled. “Just tell them you want to buy four horses for us, arrange for them to be shipped home, and politely inform them that the girls are beginning to worry over how long you’ve been gone. That should get them to release you back to the wilds. Try not to spoil Smalls too much. Smalls does deserve to be spoiled, especially after she followed you like she did. I’ll admit, I’m a little jealous she thought of the idea first. Do you think it would have worked for me?”
“Very probably, but I’m rather hopeless. But please save me from my sister. And please don’t tell her that Terry kicked our parents’ ashes around so they couldn’t be collected. I don’t think she’d handle that part of things well. Honestly, I’m still shocked he actually did it.”
“It makes sense. He cares for you and your sister rather deeply, and those assholes hurt you both. To him, they’ve always been terrorists, and Terry does not like terrorists. Try not to worry about it. Just try to come home before the girls lose their minds. And please do not bring home any venomous snakes. I can understand Smalls. She’s adorable. But please leave the snakes alone.”
As far as restrictions went, I could work with hers without complaint. “Please tell the girls I love them, and I’ll be home as soon as I convince the Thai monarchs I really don’t need some reward for rescuing any of the hostages. I’m betting they’re just going to make the poor RPS agents add to the pile. They are not happy about having to check all these presents for threats—or food products. At least the givers have learned to just tell someone if the present is something I need to eat immediately.” I’d been happy enough consuming the food; most of it was new to me, lacked alcohol, and helped me dodge the ceremonies through excellent naps. “If they don’t release me, you should come to my rescue with the girls.”
“I have been told that we will not be taking the girls on any foreign trips for at least six months. They still need scenario work and self-defense courses.”
I scowled, as one of our first disputes as parents had involved teaching Danielle self-defense. The freshly minted three year old insisted on launching sneak attacks on anyone foolish enough to encourage her.
One day, someone would get hurt, and I expected that someone to be me. “Could we, perhaps, teach Danielle the difference between self-defense and attacking her poor father?”
“Her poor father catches her, tosses her in the air, and plays with her upon launching said attacks, so I’m pretty sure her poor father is to blame for her life choices.”
Damn it. “But she likes being tossed.”
“That is because you allowed the trampoline, and she’s going to be giving us gray hairs. You have cultivated a gymnast, and the future gymnast has not realized it yet. Everyone else has, yourself included.”
Crap. Madelyn must have found the paperwork to start the girls on sports, with Danielle’s instructor being a former professional gymnast with careful methodology regarding young, developing bodies and the sport. “Just because I may have hired a specialty teacher…”
“Ian, your specialty instructor arrived yesterday, and Olivia was the only person who had any idea what was going on.”
Crap, crap, crap. “That was yesterday?”
“That was yesterday.”
Well, there went what was left of my lifespan. If May’s instructor had arrived yesterday, Danielle’s equally skilled instructor had also arrived yesterday. In good news for me, Rachel had known about May’s instructor, as I had needed to ask for an entire room in the palace for the bazillion plants the little girl would surely grow.
May still loved her flowers, and after catching her stalking the gardeners numerous times, I’d decided she would get her wish and have a dedicated teacher for all things botany.
Would the care I’d taken with the selection of teachers save me? I hoped so. “Danielle’s instructor is aware that we don’t actually know if Danielle will like gymnastics. May’s instructor is aware that she is going to be stalked, likely during every waking minute, to answer yet another question about why plants exist, how plants exist, and why some plants aren’t edible. The instructors are also babysitters, and it took so long to get them because they had to qualify to work as royal nannies. I paid for that education, and I’ve been paying their salaries and tuition for a while.”
“That much I did know, as once the surprise instructors showed up, I rummaged through our suite until I found your files on them. I find it rather amusing that you took all my complaints and attempted to resolve them.”
The whole babysitter and instructor scheme had been based on one of her complaints, as she had felt too many children were being raised by screens rather than people.
“We are going to regret the lack of screen time when we want some peace and quiet,” I warned her. “Our girls have zero interest in screen time and would rather torture every adult to cross their path.”
“I’ll call Thailand myself if you are not making preparations to come home by tomorrow,” she replied, and like me, she’d adopted a tone making it clear she did not issue a threat. Should I fail to secure my release, she would be causing an international incident.
I smiled over the thought of her attempting to take over Thailand to bring me home. “I’ll do my best. Give the girls hugs for me and let them know I’m almost done my business here. Just try to leave me alive. Rachel might miss me after a few weeks.”
“It’s looking sketchy at this point, but I’ll see what I can do.”
* * *
Madelyn’s suggestion to purchase four Lampang horses worked, and the Thai monarchs and several members of their court took me to the city. Rather than fly like sensible beings, we drove in a rather impressive convoy, stopping at everything of interest along the way, transforming the eight hour venture into a four day adventure. Upon finding out why I would be delayed, Madelyn agreed to the whole fiasco while laughing at my misfortune.
Talking to me on the phone did a good job of convincing the girls I would be returning. The promise of gifts would make the next week in the palace interesting, but some prices I was willing to foist upon my sister and my future wife. Excited children beat crying children any day of the week.
If Rachel could survive Danielle and May at their worst, she stood a good chance of handling her future twins.
Thailand’s queen, Chailai to those who had earned entry into her inner circles, insisted on taking us to her favorite bike store located in a smaller city skirting Bangkok. As there were two vans and more than a few SUVs with the job of hauling acquisitions, I acquired bicycles for everyone in my family, Rachel and Ethan included. It amused me that the bicycle owner evaluated everyone by their photograph and the vital statistics from the RPS to determine which sort of bicycle each rider needed for a safe, happy, and comfortable trip.
I would enjoy finding trails to take my new mountain bike on, as the shop owner, upon spotting me, declared I needed a little more adventure in my life and a little less time at my desk.
Smalls, who traveled in one of the SUVs unless we were stopped and could ride in my pocket, observed with interest. In the days since acquiring her, she hadn’t grown even an inch, resulting in the Thai monarchs panicking and summoning their experts.
Baby crocodiles grew worse than weeds, adding on roughly an inch within a week and over a foot in length a year until maturity, when their growth slowed.
Smalls would be measured daily, but the vets had confirmed what our Cambodian guide had suspected: she would have perished in the wild, easy prey for larger predators, other crocodiles included. One of the vets, with extensive mending talents, had stolen my baby away in the hours before the trip, returning her in a rather sleepy state and promising that any resolvable health problems had been attended to.
Then, in a solemn voice, he warned me of the various health ailments my baby girl might face, which could be addressed with yearly treatments. Some of those treatments would need to be done in Thailand, Cambodia, or Egypt, as they had the appropriate facilities.
The RPS would hate me for dragging a crocodile along with me on diplomatic trips to other kingdoms, but for once in my life, I would do exactly what I wanted without worry.
On the second day of the trip to Lampang, Zach and Peter joined the convoy, and Terry and Daphne managed to depart and return home.
Terry needed to get back to his pregnant wife, which earned him the easiest of the outs, and Will needed his cousin to defend his life from his wife, who had finally learned the details of our trickery and was out for his head. As the Thai monarchs actually liked Will, they released Daphne off with a few small gifts, bicycles for Will’s little ones, and a request for her to return when she had more time to visit and see the kingdom.
Eddie’s dad did the equivalent of toss his beloved boy under a bus, requesting spices and ingredients while in the kingdom and doing so in such a way the Thai monarchs could overhear. As such, we stopped at every reputable spice stand on the way. As I wanted to learn how to cook more things, while Eddie shopped for spices, Chailai ambushed street vendors and demanded lessons on how things were cooked, translating so I could expand my culinary education.
I took notes, recorded videos, and otherwise documented each lesson so I could drive the kitchen staff in New York wild when I experimented with strange new foods.
Every stop, Chailai and her husband managed to find something they felt I absolutely had to have, delighted in haggling with the vendors, and otherwise went on a rampage through the shops, likely forgetting they were royalty.
The one thing I noticed was how they kept a close eye on their children, especially their daughter—and how their RPS agents were never more than a few steps away. In time, the vigil would likely ease, but I understood them better than I had before plucking my little girls from their parents and rescuing them from abuse.
The circumstances were different, but the results were similar.
It would be a long time before I relaxed my guard when it came to arranging for my little girls and their care, even when I adventured around another kingdom in search of the perfect gifts, horses, and knowledge.
In Lampang, on route to the premier breeders of the carriage horses, I found the perfect gift I hadn’t realized I was searching for in the form of a wedding dress in vibrant purple and crimson and embroidered and bejeweled with the flowers Madelyn adored. As part of the wedding preparations, the tailor had already secured her every last measurement, which I kept on my phone, in my wallet, and tucked in my passport in case I ever wanted to acquire her any clothing.
With tight long sleeves, an expanding skirt that opened to reveal the blooms, and a golden collar designed to cover most of the throat, it was modest even by conservative standards.
My staring drew Zach’s attention, who joined me and peered through the glass at the gown. “That’s something else,” the head of my detail commented. “Madelyn is absolutely flustered over the issue of the dress, as she looks worse than an emaciated goose in white. Her goose is rabid, suffering from distemper, and gives her every malaise on the planet.”
I sighed over the confirmation her self-esteem woes haunted her. “Am I forgiven for running away to Cambodia?”
“As you somehow coerced every agent other than Peter and me into working with you on it, you had three agencies helping, and you took the world’s best anti-terrorism team with you, I’m actually quite pleased with your initiative and planning. You didn’t do it to exclude us from your activities. You did it to make certain the most important people in your life were sufficiently protected. We sighed over the incident, but that’s it. Okay, Peter screamed when he saw the video of that crocodile attempting to merge with your legs. I came rather close to fainting from terror over that. How did you not recoil in terror? That thing was huge.”
“I mean, when I’m given a gift of a dead terrorist in exchange for cuddling, I’m going to cuddle with the crocodile so I’m not eaten by the crocodile.” I snickered. “So, purchasing the pretty gown is not going to land me into hot water for the rest of my days?”
“It’s a work of art, and those colors actually look good on her, whereas white is a disaster in the making. We are all agreed that she should not wear a white wedding dress.”
I turned to the Thai monarchs, who had focused on yet another spice vendor to shower Pat with even more gifts. “Chailai?”
The queen hurried over, and her gaze fell on the dress. “Oh, now that is a thing of beauty.”
“Is it appropriate for a wedding gown? Madelyn… does not have a good relationship with the color white. In her opinion, it’s bad. I love her dearly, but even I know when it’s time to acknowledge that she does not have a good relationship with the color white.”
“Our wedding is our time to shine, and so we pick the colors of our gowns to best make us shine on our special day. If she does not shine in white, she should not wear white. This dress is fit for even a queen.” Chailai read the label beneath it, and she sighed. “It is also priced for a queen, and it is a unique offering. It is for sale, and it is one of a kind. There is the issue of measurements.”
I dug out my passport, retrieved the card, and handed it to the queen. “I have several copies, but that was current as of a week ago, and she hasn’t changed any measurements in three months.”
To my delight, she’d put on a few pounds after moving into the palace and my suite, giving her pleasant curves and gentling the harsher lines of her face. She would never be a traditional beauty, but time, good care, and love had done wonders for her.
Chailai turned to her husband, held up the card, and said something in Thai. The king laughed, waved, and returned to speaking with the vendors about the spices. “Come, come. I have told him to ask the horse breeders to bring out their best candidates while we handle this errand. It will not take long to give this to the dressmaker, handle the payment, and be on our way. And We shall offer this work of art to your bride as our thanks, for you are masterful at dodging our offerings. I am impressed with your staunch dedication to being humble!”
“It doesn’t seem right to take advantage of the situation. I would have rescued those hostages no matter where they came from. I didn’t go to Cambodia because there were elite and royal children in need of rescue. I went because there were children in need of rescue. I went because if left unchecked, my parents would find even worse ways to try to regain power.”
“Oh, Ian. Did you know we often talked about how we would have rescued you and your siblings from your parents if only we could have? We requested Rachel for our heir, although I am now glad that was not the path taken. Her Ethan suits her as much as your Madelyn suits you. I do hope you bring your family to see us soon, although I know why you have kept them safe at your home, especially your girls. The little one still heals from her trauma. But if we could have made life a little easier for you, we would have.”
Some gifts meant more than others, and the queen’s words would follow me for many a year to come. “Thank you, Chailai.” The reality that Danielle would be visiting doctors for months to come to make certain she suffered no complications from her brush with death might be what drove me and Madelyn to the brink of our sanity. One day, her organs would fully heal, but it would take more than a few sessions with the Maine royals to make it happen, sessions that needed to be spread out for the best results. I clung to the one thing Melody had assured me of: by the time Danielle turned six, she would no longer need special care.
May would only need two more sessions before she could live life as a normal little girl without any worry of complications.
Until Danielle turned six, I would be taking care with where she went, how exerted she became, and teaching her how to be a little girl. Her new teacher would work closely with Maine to monitor her health, yet another reason among many for why I’d made the choices I had.
Once I made it home, when I wasn’t working to give my girls and my fiancée the future they deserved, I would be aiming to make certain nobody suffered as they had. And, day by day, I accepted that I would be working to make certain nobody suffered as I had.
I regarded the bejeweled gown with a smile, wondering how Madelyn would react when she learned I only found the dress beautiful because it suited her and I wanted her to wear it.
Following Chailai into the store, I delighted in the knowledge I would find out soon enough.