Page 56 of The Night

I nodded. “I figured. I mean, later. When I was actually capable of thinking. I figured you’d stepped out and you’d be back. All your stuff was still there. But I… I wasn’t thinking at the time.” I cleared my throat and rinsed another mug. “You hear about people in shock not thinking clearly, but I wasn’t thinkingat all. Just one step in front of the other, emergency systems only. You know? I mean, I guess you probably must. You see people in emergency situations all the time.”

He stared at me, nostrils flaring, and nodded once.

“The police said I was listed as the emergency contact in Nora’s phone. They said Nora and Jake haddied, which couldn’t possibly be right. But they had Hazel—her arm was broken, and she wouldn’t stop crying —and I… I had to get to her.”

“Shit.”

“I threw stuff in my bag, I kept calling Jake’s phone and waiting for him to pick up, because I knew he and Nora had to be so scared when they couldn’t find Hazel, and I…” I set the dish in the drainer, turned off the water, and gripped the edge of the sink with both hands. “It wasn’t until I got to the airport that I even remembered you and I were… that I should have… that I hadn’t even told you I was going.” I looked over at him. “Best husband ever, right?”

His brown eyes were fierce on mine and he tilted his head to the side sympathetically.

I let out a shuddering breath. I was dimly aware of the shower turning off upstairs. “I didn’t have your number. Which sounds so ridiculous now, but we’d barely been out of each other’s sight for a minute, and I hadn’t expected… Anyway. I tried calling the hotel, but you’d already checked out.”

“I did. I thought you’d left. Leftme.”

“I hadn’t.” I squeezed my eyes shut for a second. “Not then.”

“You left your ring behind.”

My eyes flew open. “No, I didn’t. Damn thing was too big. Kept sliding off my finger. Remember?”

He shook his head.

“We talked about having the rings sized later.” I shook my head ruefully. “We kinda left a lot of things to dolater, huh? Anyway, I didn’t mean to leave it behind. In fact, I was really fucking sad when I couldn’t find it. I kinda wanted to have it just…”

“Just?”

“Just to have,” I said lamely. To put in a box someplace safe, where I could keep it forever to remember what we’d had, and never look at, since remembering hurt so much.

“And then what happened?” Gideon demanded, arms still crossed. “You couldn’t call me at the hotel. You didn’t have my phone number. You left town and so did I. I get it. But I’m notthathard to find. You knew where I lived then. You knew what I did for a living. You could have tracked me down in a matter of days. Hours, even.”

“Yeah, I could.” I blew out a breath and dried my hands on a kitchen towel. “See, the thing is, once I got to Dallas I had to make, um… funeral arrangements? For Nora and Jake.” I cleared my throat. Five years had passed and in some ways it felt like five minutes.

Gideon dropped his chin to his chest. “Fuck, Liam.”

“Nora’s brother and Jake’s parents were pissed that Nora and Jake had wantedmeto have custody. Well, not so much Robert once he knew they didn’t have any life insurance, but Jake’s folks wereveryhurt, and they even threatened to challenge me for custody in court, and I… Suddenly I had an actualhumanrelying on me to take care of all her needs—food, clothing, shelter, emotional support. I had no fucking clue what I was doing, you know? I didn’t have much money saved. Hazel wasn’t sleeping through the night. The doctors said she needed consistency and routine in order toacclimate.” I laughed without amusement and the words kept tumbling out. “Howdoesone acclimate to being an orphan? And Jake’s parents were horrified that I lived in a studio apartment, so I had to get a bigger place, and that meant buckling down and taking local jobs, and I… I felt like I was under a microscope. But taking care of Hazel was the last thing I could ever do for Nora—” My voice broke and I took a breath to steady it. “So what else could I do? You know? No way forward butthrough.”

I turned, steadying myself with a hand on the countertop and faced him. “My entire life changed in the blink of an eye, Gideon, and I had to change from the person I was—carefree, haphazard,irresponsible—to become the parent Hazel needed. And it’snotthat I didn’t value our connection, or think you weren’t the greatest thing to happen to me up to that point, because youwere. You… youdefinitelywere. But you were the fantasy, Gideon. And I was thigh-deep in diaper-changing, toddler-tantrumreality. You and I hadn’t discussed kids or even where we’dlive, and I’d sort of imagined that wouldn’t matter because I’d move wherever to live with you, and I’d keep traveling and you’d keep doing your thing, but I… I couldn’t do that anymore. And it—” I closed my eyes and let out a breath. “It was one thing to trust that we had a future when it was just me and my happiness I was risking, but a whole other thing when it was Hazel’s health and happiness on the line too. Andthatis why I didn’t call you. And I’m sorry, Gideon. Truly. Not that I left, but that I did it that way. And if you ever thought, even for a minute, that it was aboutyounot being enough, then I’m evensorrier.And I’m sorry that it took me filling out my own will and realizing that custody issues were gonna be fucked up if I waslegally marriedto finally cowboy up and have this conversation and—”

Silent and sure, Gideon crossed the distance between us and cut me off by brushing his lips over mine. His thumbs brushed my cheeks, wiping away tears I hadn’t even known I’d shed.

“Okay,” he said, taking my hands in his.

“Okay?” My voice shook.

“Yeah,okay. As in, I get it. As in…” He swallowed. “I would have done the same thing.”

My stomach flipped and my breath hitched. “You what?”

Gideon licked his lips. “I wish it hadn’t happened that way. I wish your…Norahadn’t died. I wish you hadn’t adopted Hazel under those circumstances. I wish we’d known each other even a little bit longer so you could have felt like you could count on me. And I wish I’d been with you when the call came in that morning because I think… I think it all would have worked out differently. That we would have faced it together. But I’m not mad that you put her first. How could I be?”

Looking at him I could see he was one hundred percent serious. “You don’t… youcan’t…know what you would have done if you’d been with me that morning.”

“Sure I can. Idon’tknow how it would’ve worked out long term. And neither could you. Which is why I’m saying I think you did the right thing.” He cast his gaze toward the ceiling, towardHazel.“I wouldn’t risk her for anything either. You’re raising an amazing kid.”

I sniffed. “I worry a lot about whether I’m doing what Nora and Jake would have wanted,” I admitted softly. I was pretty sure there wasn’t a person on the planet I’d ever admitted that to, not even Livia. “I worry I’m not enough.”

“You love her like she’s the most precious thing in the universe,” Gideon said. “I don’t think they could ask any more of you than that. In fact, that’s probably why they picked you in the first place. Right?”