Page 59 of The Nanny Outside the Gates

FORTY-NINE

HALINA

I fall to my knees at Julia’s side, pressing my cheek to her chest. “Please…no,” I whimper.

“I still need you.” My heart bleeds like hot acidic rain, burning through every limb.

As if a knife has pierced my lung, my breaths fall short.

Tears burn the backs of my eyes. “This is my fault. It’s my fault. ”

Gavriel’s hand rests on my shoulder. I know we can’t stay here. I know who’s lurking around the next corner, but I don’t know what to do. “Hali, my God, I—I’m so—I’m sorry. I?—”

I lift my head from Julia’s chest, not knowing how to let her go. “Don’t apologize,” I say, my voice cracking. “It isn’t your fault.” It’s mine.

I cradle Julia’s limp hand in both of mine.

The one that brushed my hair and bandaged up scrapes.

The one that would hold mine when I was sad or afraid.

The thought of leaving her here…how could I?

What kind of world is this where she takes me in after birth and then… I leave her on a road after death?

“What would she tell you to do?” Gavriel says, his words shaky and unsure.

“She—” I gasp for air. “She’d tell me…she’d tell me to keep Flora safe.” More stunted breaths, my chest caving in. “To keep myself, us, safe.” She devoted her life to protecting others. I hope she knows her efforts were never in vain.

“I’ll keep you safe, but we aren’t safe here,” Gavriel murmurs.

I squeeze my eyes shut and press a kiss to her cool cheek. “God brought us together, and together we shall be,” I whisper in her ear. “I’m sorry I can’t take you with me.”

A train whistles. A haunting chime smothered in the thick air. Distant, but close.

“We have to—” Gavriel begins to say, his words hesitant, but full of worry.

I nod, a slight gesture I can barely muster.

“I know.” I don’t want him to feel the weight of telling me to leave her.

I rise, my legs shaking at my knees, and curl into Gavriel’s outstretched arm.

Each step away from her is like a fight against gravity.

I peer over my shoulder once more, knowing I’ll never forget this feeling, leaving her on a blood-soaked street beneath the ghostly fog.

The train didn’t stop. Not for us, not for grief, not for goodbyes, and not for the body I left behind.

My knees are still damp from the ground, holding me hostage in that moment—an impossible forever goodbye.

Like the chug of the train, my heart stammers and weakens me to the core.

We’ve been quiet so long, sitting in the darkness of the cargo car with the morning light chasing us through the open back door as we leave another part of our lives behind.

Flora is curled up within the sling of my dress, between my knees, my sweater covering her as a blanket as she sleeps soundly.

Gavriel’s hand is locked around mine, grasping me as if he needs to hold on to me so I don’t slip away.

Flora stretches her arms out over her head. I study her with solace as she curls into a more comfortable position on her side. Her tiny movements reel in all my thoughts to a focus of just one…

Is it my turn now?

Am I strong enough to protect her?

Will I find her mother?

Gavriel lifts my hand to his lips, resting them there for a moment.

The track curves.

A new direction.

Sunlight spills over us, cloaking us in its golden rays, warm and embracing.

Julia raised me, even when I wasn’t hers. I know now, I was never unwanted, but instead chosen. She somehow prepared me for this moment without knowing how our lives would unfold, and I know I will be more than what this war has made of me. I’ll be what she believed I could be.

Flora needs me. I chose her…and will do everything in my power to be who she needs, even if it’s just the person who returns her to her mother. She will always know who she is, and that she is loved.

I’ll be her Julia.