Page 54 of The Nanny Outside the Gates

FORTY-FIVE

GAVRIEL

I should have waited for her. Where is she? I must keep moving. Her plan was to meet at the first wooded opening on the path back to Auschwitz. I know she was trying to protect me, but she might be the one who needs to be protected and I’m out here with a baby I’ve now stolen.

As soon as we make it to the border of the wooded path, I spin around to watch the front door, waiting for it to fly open. But it doesn’t.

“Whatever you do—keep running. Do not stop and come back for me. I’ll be fine,” she said. I agreed. Why would I agree? It’s not fine.

“Ma!” Flora cries out.

Oh God. “No, no, darling. I know you’re confused,” I say, breathlessly.

“We’re going to try and find your real mama, as soon as possible.

” If ever possible, I should say. If the war ever ends.

If people are set free from the prisons.

If, if, if. Guilt eats at me as I realize I shouldn’t offer her this hope, even if she doesn’t understand what I’m saying.

I can’t imagine her mother is still alive in Auschwitz.

Maybe we’ll witness a miracle someday. Just for her.

God, please spare this innocent little girl .

I hold Flora so tightly within my arms, praying I don’t trip on a root. I can’t see a thing at this hour and there’s no kapo with a light, thankfully, but at the same time—what if I can’t find the opening within the trees?

What if I can’t breathe? Why does everything in my body feel like it’s on fire?

God, please, let me get out of here. Please.

A rustle of leaves catches me by the neck, and I stop moving, not sure if I should be silent or call out to what I pray to be Halina.

“Hali?” I whisper.

Nothing. Not a rustle of leaves.

Then, a squeal as something swoops over my head. A bat. It must be a bat. “It’s all right. Just a little creature playing in the woods. Let’s keep moving,” I whisper to Flora. I think I might need to listen to my words of reassurance more than she does.