Page 45

Chapter 45

Making Friends and Enemies

I raced towards the ruins of the fortress beneath the raging Pandoral, beset by spells both Infernal and Auroral being hurled at him. Blazing globes of golden light enveloped the giant man-shaped swarm, exploding in a shower of sparks even as inky-black tendrils of Infernal magic burrowed between the myriad insects making up his gargantuan form and tore at him from the inside. In return, he smashed his right fist down upon troops of Demoniac Hellions, while with his left palm he crushed a cavalry of Glorian Parevals, their gleaming armour cracking open like the shells of crabs. All the while, cheers of imagined imminent victory rose up from both sides. I didn’t need the Pandoral spell I was using to warp the distance between me and the Lords Celestine to see the sheen of almost erotic ecstasy on their faces. Rationality shot me a grin, as if the two of us were in on this wonderful joke and that later on we’d be rekindling our relationship.

Not fucking likely, sister. If I’m going to get murdered by a beautiful woman, I’m sticking with the one who at least has a decent excuse for killing me.

I stopped before we reached the rear lines, already short of breath. In my defence, that was mostly on account of being terrified.

Now, how does one attract the attention of a hundred-foot-tall extra-dimensional being without having him crush you underfoot?

I conjured up one of the few Pandoral spells I’d learned, the same one I’d used to accidentally bring Temper here. This time my target was far closer and much, much smaller.

Come on, you buzzing little bastard , I thought, feeling the resistance from my target. Come to Uncle Cade and let me transform you into something uncomfortable and gross.

‘Deceiver!’ shouted a golden-armoured figure atop an impressively large white horse. He was carrying a spear and riding in my direction. ‘Now shall the foulness of thine deeds return to thy breast, carried by the sharp edge of my steel!’

Ah, crap. It was Propriety. Guess he’d finally got wise to my lunatic conspiracy theories.

‘Wait!’ I shouted back, struggling to hold onto my spell before the insect escaped my feeble tether. ‘It’s not what you think– I’m secretly working on behalf of the Auroral Sovereign! You must join me in this noble — ’

I like to think that there was a look of hesitation on the Ardentor’s face and that I might’ve managed to fool him one last time. Alas, I’ll never know, because a bolt of Tempestoral thunder obliterated him into tiny bits of golden shrapnel. Charred Glorian viscera rained down on me.

‘Wipe that shit off the coat!’ Corrigan called out. ‘Those were expensive!’

I ignored his injunction, focusing all my efforts on that one tiny beetle-like insect. He had come from another realm in hopes of conquering this one, and now, once the Aurorals and Infernals got their shit together, he was minutes from being wiped out, he and all his buzzing brothers and sisters. Finally, the bug separated from the others, its flight path staggering as if he were being tugged out of sticky oil by the sheer force of my will. As he flittered angrily towards me, resisting every inch, his body began to change, bloating on whatever bits of matter and energy my Pandoral spell could draw from the surrounding landscape, until tiny insect limbs swelled to the size of a man’s arms and legs, the head reshaping itself into jaws which could form words. The head stayed bug-like, which I’d expected. I’ve no idea why the spell determined that he should have a substantial penis as he stood three feet from me, glaring at me with murderous intent, but the universe is perverse that way.

‘Yyyoouuu. . .’ he began, his voice eerily like that of the Pandoral itself.

‘Quit with the fucking bug voice,’ I told him, holding up a hand. ‘I specifically altered your physical form so that you and I could have a conversation that wouldn’t take longer than either my world or yours. . . well, I guess yours is fucked either way. So, are you ready to listen to reason, or do you want to keep screwing around while the rest of, well, you gets obliterated?’

Hesitation. The spell had left him his insect wings and he tried to fly away, but I’d intentionally made them just a little too small to hold him aloft, so he just floated a few inches off the ground before losing his balance and falling on his face. I don’t know why I find winged creatures being unable to actually fly so funny. Maybe I once had a bad experience with a chicken as a kid.

‘Well?’ I asked again. I gestured to the onslaught the rest of his swarm was suffering under all those gold and crimson spells.

The bug-being rose to his feet and crossed his stick-like insect arms. ‘Fine, you prick,’ he said in a perfectly reasonable-sounding human voice. ‘What the fuck do you want?’

I’d fashioned the spell to transform the target into something capable of proper conversation without it being able to sting me to death or suck my eyeballs out in the middle of our negotiations. Once again, I was grateful for Hazidan Rosh’s incessant demands that I make a proper study of the elements of wonderism, rather than just get excited about blowing things up like some people I could name.

Another bolt of Tempestoral fury, this one more fire than lightning, erupted about fifteen feet to my left, where a couple of Demoniac Hellions had decided to break ranks to stab me with their tridents.

Tridents. I tell you, some beings have no shame.

‘I’m guessing you still share sentience with the rest of your swarm,’ I said to my transmogrified bug delegate, ‘so I don’t have to have this conversation ten thousand times. You’re about to get destroyed, and once that happens, the Pandoral realm will have no guardians. I’ll be forced into becoming a gate to your realm, and whatever’s left of what you call a people will also be destroyed. Basically, you’re fucked.’

‘So are you,’ the bug-being said nonchalantly. However, he uncrossed and crossed his arms defiantly, which is always a sign of anxiety.

‘So, that’s one thing you and I have in common. The other is that we both hate the Lords Celestine and the Lords Devilish. Unfortunately, they’re far, far stronger than you or I will ever be.’

‘You, perhaps,’ said the bug-being, uncrossing his arms, then not sure what to do with his hands. ‘We, however, are eternal. We are — ’

I cut him off by reconfiguring my spell and removing his mouth. Honestly, I don’t like screwing with the bodies or free will of others, but I didn’t have time for this nonsense. ‘Listen, arsehole, this is a simple proposition. You’re on the verge of extinction. My people? Humans? We’ll survive. I mean, sure, our lives will be utter shit, but we’re adaptable like that. Practically unkillable– like cockroaches, which are insects in the Mortal realm that, unlike you guys, aren’t about to be exterminated. So, here’s my deal. You’re going to do exactly what I ask, which is going to suck worse than almost anything you can imagine– the “almost” in this case being the alternative, which, I shouldn’t have to remind you, is obliteration. In return, if we’re both very, very lucky, at the end of this there’ll still be a Pandoral realm, it won’t be collapsing in on itself, and the Infernals and Aurorals will get their noses figuratively broken.’

Literally broken, too, if I have anything to say about it.

‘Now,’ I continued, pointing to the bug-being’s face, ‘I’m not wasting another spell giving you your mouth back, so just nod if we’ve got a deal. And before you concoct any thoughts of betraying me’– I drew on the Pandoral energies being unleashed by the swarm to cause the air around me to warp and shimmer, which is not as impressive as an Auroral glow, but it got the point across– ‘I might not be able to defeat your boss or your swarm or whatever the hell you are, but I can still mess with the forces you need to draw on to fight back against the Aurorals and Infernals until you’re wiped out. With that in mind, do we have a deal?”

I guess the rest of the swarm were getting pretty beaten up, because my newfound bug-faced ally didn’t hesitate before nodding.

‘Good,’ I said, then, because I’m actually a nicer guy than I might make myself sound sometimes, I used up some of the Pandoral energies I’d summoned to return him to his natural form. He flew back to rejoin his swarm, and I caught a subtle shift in the massive head of the Pandoral as he too nodded his agreement.

I looked back at Corrigan and gave the signal. Once the Aurorals and Infernals figured out what I was attempting, all hell would break loose. My friends would have to protect me from more attacks than any gang of misfit wonderists could long hope to repel. Meanwhile, I’d have my own battle on my hands.

Closing my eyes briefly, I drove my hands into the air in front of me, using my attunement to form a breach between this realm and the source of my abilities. Once it opened, I took hold of it and pulled it into me.

Okay, Cade , I told myself in the way self-centred morons always hesitate before doing what they know can’t be avoided any longer, let’s be honest. Your time on this plane of existence hasn’t contributed much to humanity. You were a smug, self-righteous bastard when you joined the Glorian Justiciars and a whiny, self-righteous prick when you became a mercenary war mage. Now six of the bravest lunatics this misbegotten universe ever spawned are throwing away their lives so you can do this one thing that’s probably not going to work because. . .

Okay , I admitted to myself, it turns out I am pretty shitty at pep talks. Maybe let Aradeus or Galass give the speeches from now on.

I don’t know why, but that thought brought a smile to my lips– maybe the last I would ever have to offer this unfortunate little world of my birth. But that smile also reminded me that whatever villain I’d been in life, in death, I was damn well going out a hero.

Right , I thought, expanding the breach within my chest, time to unleash a little chaos.