Page 22

Chapter 22

Be Ye Damned for All Eternity

Ye who would violate this pact, who would foreswear oaths uttered, heard and agreed this day on this hour upon this soil. Despair, weep, wail and know that clemency, like mercy or a swift death, lies forever out of reach of any who break this bond. Abandon all hope, save that thou shouldest, by fate or fortune, fulfil every article and clause herein inscribed upon this parchment in blood, upon thy spirit with the ecclesiaster of thine soul, and upon the very fabric of the Mortal realm in the eternal ink of Destiny itself.

Be it known that this pact has been forged between the Thirteen Perfections atop the Great Hierarchy of the Infernal Realm, hereafter referred to as ‘the Lords Devilish’, rightful inheritors of all that is, was and shall ever be, and the six feeble wonderists accompanied by a filthy beast of unknown origin, possibly some sort of large deformed rabbit, the assemblage of which shall hereafter be referred to as ‘the Malevolent Seven’.

Article I: The Gift

(i)

Greatest among weapons is knowledge, and deadliest of all are secrets. In requesting such secrets as are possessed by the Lords Devilish as of the moment of the signing of this pact, the Malevolent Seven acknowledge their ignorance and impotence.

(ii)

Generosity being one of the many virtues of which the Lords Devilish are the highest exemplars, their Infernal Majesties shall impart their secret knowledge of the mage calling herself the Spellslinger, who with ease and malice did defeat the entirety of the Malevolent Seven in a manner most amusing.

(iii)

No assurances are given that said knowledge will, in fact, ensure the demise of the Spellslinger or the prevention of the destruction of the Mortal Realm by the Pandoral being as this would require the Malevolent Seven to be far more effective in their endeavours than has been demonstrated thus far.

(iv)

This magnificent gift is granted freely and without any recompense of significance, save for one trifling act of gratitude, this being:

Article II: The Auroral Banner

(i)

Be it acknowledged that the Auroral realm is a stinking pit of decrepit mundanity, that all those birthed in its rank and pus-filled womb are naught but noxious fumes emitted by a flawed design in the universe, and that those who rise highest among them are, as such, the lowest of all.

(ii)

Be it further recognised and agreed that the entire Auroral Army is as a gnat beneath the hoof of the lowliest Infernal, no more a threat than those same noxious fumes referred to in Article II Clause (i).

(iii)

Thus no weapon, treasure or flag of said army holds any worth whatsoever, and holds no value nor significance to the Infinite Might of the Infernal Armies.

(iv)

That being said, and though the physical bodies of the Thirteen Perfections do not, like those imperfect forms of Mortals and, in all likelihood, the so-called ‘Lords Celestine’, generate waste product, still, it would be of some amusement should the Lords Devilish, by order of precedence and each in turn, wipe their arses on the most sacred symbol of the Auroral Sovereign, that being the unsightly rag sometimes referred to as ‘the Glorian Banner’.

(v)

Acknowledged by all signatories to this pact is the irrefutable fact that the obtaining of the tattered cloth mentioned in Clause (iv) would be a matter of trivial effort for the Lords Devilish or their subjects, agents and contractors.

(vi)

Thus, for the sole purpose of giving this pact the enforceability required of a purely symbolic pretence of ‘an exchange of equal value’, the Lords Devilish do hereby employ and require the Malevolent Seven to secure the filthy re-purposed undergarment referred to in Clause (iv) and render it unto them forthwith.

Article III: The Method

(i)

The methods by which the Malevolent Seven take possession of the collection of arse hairs plucked from various beasts during the act of rutting and later woven into the item discussed in Clause (iv) are to involve deception, treachery and such cunning as is attainable for beings possessed of near-identical intellectual prowess as the animals from which said hairs were taken, namely, the Malevolent Seven.

(ii)

The Lords Devilish shall cause no interference nor offer aid in this endeavour, trusting that the task be of such scant difficulty that a drunken cow, possibly one of the suppliers of hair mentioned in Article III Clause (i), could break an ankle stepping into a pothole and, in the process of falling to the ground, successfully complete the task.

(iii)

Nonetheless, and for the avoidance of doubt, should the Malevolent Seven fail or be captured in this mission, which is agreed to be no more difficult or complex than passing out drunk in a puddle of their own urine, the Lords Devilish will, of course, deny any knowledge of the crime.

Article IV: The Consequences of Failure

(i)

Should the Malevolent Seven fail in their quest to secure the Auroral Banner, or should they attempt to deceive the Thirteen Lords Devilish, the following punitive retaliations shall be deemed by both parties to be so minor as to constitute a veritable waiving of rightful remuneration.

1. Eternal Torment: Each member of the Malevolent Seven shall be bound in chains forged from the souls of the damned and cast into a newly built Abyss of Despair where they shall endure unending agony, their flesh eternally flayed by demonic whips made from the skin of the phallus of the Tempestoral wonderist known as Corrigan Blight, said whips hereby acknowledged to be of only modest proportions due to the lack of material supplied.

2. Arcane Disattunement: All magical attunements and abilities possessed by the Malevolent Seven shall be stripped away, leaving them as mere Mortals, powerless and forsaken.

3. Public Humiliation: Their failure shall be proclaimed across all Infernal realms, their names forever etched in the Annals of Infamy, to be mocked and scorned by all who hear their tale. It is hereby acknowledged by both parties that the damage done to their reputation from the spreading of this tale is likely to be negligible given their already notorious history of failures.

Article V: The Binding Clause

Bound, are ye,

Bound are we,

That all set forth,

In this Infernal pact,

Sworn South, East, West and North,

Shall ye and we enact.

Twice signed and sealed in blood and ecclesiaster, as the beast known as Temper didst foul the first parchment with excessive licking, by all present:

The Thirteen Lords Devilish:

1.

Lord Whimsy

2.

Lord Mischief

3.

Lord Gluttony

4.

Lord Ire

5.

Lord Avarice

6.

Lord Indolence

7.

Lord Gloom

8.

Lord Covetousness

9.

Lord Carnality

10.

Lord Guile

11.

Lord Rancour

12.

Lord Vanity

13.

Lord Spite

And the Malevolent Seven:

1.

Cade Ombra, Mortal mage of unknown attunement

2.

Galass, Mortal mage of Sanguinal attunement

3.

Corrigan Blight, Mortal mage of Tempestoral attunement

4.

Aradeus Mozen, Mortal (handsome) mage of Totemic attunement (rat)

5.

Shame, Auroral Angelic, Emissary Cadre

6.

Aliciaj Meharcorum, Infernal Demoniac, Justiciar Cadre (self-proclaimed)

7.

Temper, Beast of Unknown Origin and Ill-Temperament

Codicil I: Corrigan Blight

(i)

Be it hereby agreed that upon successful completion of the mission, the anatomical proportions of a specific portion of the aforementioned thunderer’s anatomy shall be increased from its previously restored dimensions to one ‘commensurate with the legendary beauty of this most widely beloved instrument, not for the unduly withheld accolades of its wielder by certain disreputable wonderists, but to further add to the pleasure of those upon whom its majesty is bestowed.’

(ii)

No aspect of this codicil to be discussed or revealed to the unworthy and ungrateful wonderists referred to in Clause (i)

Codicil II: Cade Ombra

(i)

Be it hereby agreed that the Lords Devilish shall in no way reveal, discuss, insinuate or cause to be exposed the plane of reality to which the wonderist has become attuned.

(ii)

The anatomical proportions of an unnamed Tempestoral mage shall, once all previous agreements regarding said organ have been fulfilled, be returned to its merely average dimensions and distinctly unimpressive appearance.