Page 10

Chapter 10

The Perils of Paella

He really had become a restauranteur.

The diabolic little fucker had somehow gone from cutting deals for spells with mercenary wonderists on behalf of the Lords Devilish to serving up delicacies to travellers stupid enough to eat in an Infernal restaurant.

‘Delicious!’ Corrigan declared, pounding a fist on the gleaming azure marble surface of an octagonal table around which the seven of us were seated. The large now-empty paella bowl between us rattled loudly.

This was our first night in the town of Seduction, previously known as Hope’s Creek before that name went the way of all discarded dreams. Unlike the people of Pleasance, the townsfolk here had chosen to sign a pact negotiated by my former agent on behalf of the Lords Devilish. This had been, according to Tenebris, part of the deal in exchange for releasing him from military duties.

‘I was the big cheese, you understand,’ he explained smugly. ‘After my– if I might be so humble– genius handling of the whole Pandoral affair– you know, I pretty much single-handedly destroyed the only beings capable of threatening the Lords Devilish and Lords Celestine and I arranged for the gates the Pandorals had intended to use to invade the Mortal realm to instead give us and the Aurorals a way here, well, my star was really on the rise.’

That a scumbag in rags so recently imprisoned and tortured, barely able to sit on a horse for more than five minutes without passing out, could puff himself up like that was an impressive feat. What Tenebris left out of his self-aggrandising serenade was that it had been us – except for Temper, of course, who hadn’t arrived here yet– who’d actually defeated the Seven Brothers before they could bring over their Pandoral masters from that chaotic realm. But yeah, Tenebris had tricked us into doing all that, so I suppose he does get the credit.

‘They offered me a seat, Cade. A seat .’

He meant a seat amongst the Lords Devilish. He was also full of shit.

‘No, seriously,’ he said, reading my dubious expression. ‘The Lords Devilish offered me a place among them.’ The flames set the intricate lineage scars on his leathery ivory skin to glowing ominously when he leaned in and whispered conspiratorially, ‘You know there can never be more than thirteen Lords Devilish, right?’

‘Yeah, and there’re thirteen of them because your bosses are so vein they always want there to be one more Lord Devilish than the Aurorals have Lords Celestine. Now, what about this cabal of wonderists who captured you, this so-called “Apocalypse Eight”?’

Tenebris chuckled, ignoring my question. ‘Yeah, those Celestines ain’t got no sense of humour. My point is , that to give me a seat, the Lords Devilish would’ve had to eliminate one of their own first– which they were going to do. That’s how big a deal I am to the Infernal hierarchy.’

‘ Were ,’ I corrected. ‘You’re a humble restauranteur now, remember? Come on, Tenebris, tell me about the wonderists who captured you.’

He shrugged. ‘Didn’t see ’em. I got taken by an Auroral binding, though I suppose it could’ve been an incarcerationalist’s spell– I wasn’t paying attention then and I’d prefer you not make me relive the torture that came afterwards.’ He smiled, stroking the ram’s horn on the right side of his skull. He had two little curved goat horns on his forehead too, but he’d always preferred the ram’s horns. ‘Pleasure is the future, Cade: that’s what I had to make the Lords Devilish understand. All this violence and bloodshed, the battle against the Aurorals? It’s a waste of time.’ He snorted dismissively. ‘Those idiot Schemelords running around the Mortal realm with their military intrigues? Most Schemelords I know couldn’t find their testicles with both hands and a map.’

‘Do Infernals have testicles?’

‘Not. The. Point.’ He shot me a dirty look. ‘Geez, Cade. You’re an even bigger killjoy than you used to be.’

‘I spend more time around Infernals than I used to.’

He jabbed a taloned finger at me. ‘Exactly! This is my point. Killing off Aurorals, recruiting humans into our armies so we can hurl them at other humans working for the other side? It’s just meaningless. It could go on for ever, without anything getting settled.’

It was weird to hear Tenebris getting uncomfortably close to my own position on these matters. ‘But you have a better way?’

‘Pleasure!’ he announced, spreading his arms wide. ‘Sensation. Experience. Living . That’s the Infernal difference. The Lords Celestine want the monopoly on righteousness and denying physical gratification? Let ’em have it. We’re the ones offering a meaningful existence in this life, not some hypothetical eternity strolling beside some so-called Auroral Sovereign– totally made up, by the way.’

‘The Auroral Sovereign is real,’ I said with utter sincerity. ‘I’ve met him.’

He’s not and I haven’t.

Tenebris threw up his hands. ‘Whatevs. My point is, the only permanent victory against the Aurorals will come from converting humanity and the other sentient species of this realm to our side.’

‘Other sentient species?’

‘Yeah. You know, cats, certain breeds of canines, those big weird fish you got in some of your oceans, and. . .’ He scratched at his temple. ‘You got something called “swirrels” here? Live in trees, eat nuts?’

‘Squirrels?’

He clapped his hands together. ‘That’s the one– swirrels. Apparently they’re the highest level of sentience in the Mortal realm. More ecclesiasm in their little left nuts than you have in your whole body. Anyway, you don’t convert souls by recruiting them into armies so they and their descendants can die for generations without end. You win them over to your way of thinking, show them the Infernal path to fulfilment.’

I waved away his enthusiastic soliloquy. ‘You guys have been tempting humans for ever. There’s only so many of us who’ll sell our souls for political power or sex with a succubus.’

‘Those aren’t ours , moron. Everybody knows the succubae work for the Aurorals.’ He leaned in close again and jerked a thumb at Shame, who was sitting by herself. ‘You got one in your crew, in case you hadn’t noticed.’ He glanced back surreptitiously at the former Angelic Emissary, who was in her customary middle-aged nondescript form. ‘Also, she sure did let her looks go. What’s the deal with that?’

Chummy banter aside, I was in a pissy mood. All that work breaking into a secret Auroral enclave, risking our necks to not kill any humans and it had all been for nothing. ‘The deal is that Shame’s beautiful now,’ I replied, then leaned closer to whisper, ‘and if you try using your infamous manipulation tricks to convince anyone otherwise, your guess is as good as mine which of us beats the shit out of you first.’

Tenebris rolled one eye, which is more creepy than mocking. ‘Whatevs. Listen, the fact is, sex and power are overrated– that’s what I’ve been trying to get the Lords Devilish to understand. There’s more to existence than just slaughtering your enemies and fucking their spouses. It’s the little things. The feel of a nice suit’– he mimed stroking a lapel– ‘or the smell of fine wine, aged just the right number of years. The melody of a song that isn’t a fucking battle hymn. The Great Crusade won’t be won with the stench of corpses on a battlefield, it’ll be won with — ’

‘The taste of really good paella?’ I suggested.

He grinned, revealing his primary fangs. They were every bit as lethal as Temper’s, I noticed. ‘See? Now you’re getting it.’

I was brought back to our present situation by the sound of Corrigan smashing the empty bowl on the floor and announcing, ‘I will obliterate this establishment to ashes if somebody doesn’t bring me more!’

Tenebris had, it appeared, come close to perfecting the seductive sensory experience of a truly excellent paella. Every bite was a savoury concoction of rice, a medley of tender salty-sweet seafoods, peppers of at least three different varieties, delicately poached vegetables that softened the flavour just enough to keep your tongue from being overwhelmed by the awe-inspiring, tear-drawing symphony of saffron and spices.

Tenebris clapped and an anxious-looking human waiter promptly appeared bearing another huge bowl, which he placed carefully in the centre of the table before kneeling to sweep up the shards from the floor. There was something telling in the fact that the waiter was more unnerved by us than the diabolic he worked for. Maybe the Infernals paid better wages.

‘It’s okay, I guess,’ I said, sampling the paella and working hard not to let a moan of gastronomic ecstasy pass my own lips. ‘Not sure it’ll catch on.’

‘ Pshaw ,’ Tenebris countered now, standing behind Corrigan. He was nattily dressed in a dark blue frock coat that offset his ivory skin nicely. His horns were tipped with silver caps and he’d shadowed his eyes with some sort of bluish kohl. Other than the limp and an occasional wince, Tenebris looked like his old self. ‘You know what’s not going to catch on, Cade? Your stupid peace plan: that’s what’s not going to catch on. In fact, it’s going to get you and your friends killed, which is sad for me because I’ve always considered you and me to be like brothers.’

I let that one pass, because I had more serious problems at hand.

‘It is our current approach that concerns me,’ Shame announced. She was apparently enjoying the meal, which she was savouring in infinitesimally small mouthfuls. Fuck knows why. Also, she was eating with her fingers rather than using a fork.

‘ Savage ,’ Alice and Tenebris observed at the same time, then glared at one another with unveiled hatred. Say what you want about Tenebris’ sense of honour– and I could say plenty– but the guy was entirely loyal to his people.

‘A question,’ Aradeus began, because just asking wouldn’t afford him the dramatic pause he needs for so much as sneezing. ‘Given the months we’ve spent attempting to foil the recruitment efforts of the Auroral and Infernal forces, and despite the intransigence of the Lords Celestine and Lords Devilish which you have so eloquently and frequently articulated, is it wise to shift our focus to pursue an unknown mage of potentially cataclysmic power whose identity we’ve utterly failed to divine?’

‘The rat guy has a point, Cade,’ said Tenebris.

‘Furthermore,’ Aradeus went on, casting a dubious glance at the diabolic, ‘given the precariousness of our situation, is it not unwise to discuss the details of your plan so freely in the presence of a Diabolic Contractualist?’

‘ Former Contractualist,’ Tenebris corrected. ‘Like I keep telling Cade here, I am but a modest restauranteur these days, bringing the pleasures of the Infernal Thrum to the humble masses.’ With the claws of his right thumb and forefinger, he proceeded to mime the act of sewing his lips shut, which was exactly as disturbing as it sounds. ‘Nothing uttered within the walls of this establishment shall be shared with anyone, not even the Lords Devilish themselves,’ he proclaimed.

‘Well, if you ask me, you’re doing us humble masses a great service,’ said Corrigan, brushing bits of rice, peppers and please-don’t-tell-me-what-kind-of-meat from his braided beard. ‘Look, even Temper appreciates the cuisine, and he usually only eats blood.’

The kangaroo was indeed showing every sign of enjoying the meal, even snarling his fangs at Alice when she slapped his muzzle for trying to stick his entire face in the bowl.

‘Nothing like an appreciative audience for one’s artistry,’ Tenebris said, now looming behind me. ‘Good luck finding one for the shit you’re stirring, old pal.’

I put down my fork and rose from my chair to face my former provider of Infernal spells. ‘Listen, “old pal”, nobody here is dumb enough to fall for this “discreet restauranteur” act you’re putting on, so why don’t you slither back to the sanctum you set up in the back of this stewpit and use whatever influence you have left with your old bosses to find out what they know about this other band of wonderists who managed to capture you and dump you in an Auroral prison nobody on your side even knew about. After that, you might see if one of those half-witted perverts can squeeze their arse out of their throne for long enough to consult with your Infernal spell-concocters, as they might like to know what it would take for a wonderist to make it look as if they were manipulating someone’s destiny.’

Bridling, Tenebris snarled, ‘How about instead you lick my non-existent testicles? No charge.’ He tried to shove me away, but Contractualists rarely engage in fisticuffs, so not only did he manage to miss my chest entirely, he accidentally cut my cheeks with one of his claws.

The wound stung, but it felt shallow, so I ignored it in favour of grabbing the smirking diabolic by his apron and yanking him close enough for our noses to touch. ‘Try that again, Tenebris, and I’ll remind you why the Lords Devilish used to let you sell me spells at a discount in the first place, because unlike them, I never start a fight unless I know precisely how to finish it.’

Tenebris opened his mouth to speak, but I gave him a shake, just to help him appreciate my displeasure until I was good and ready to send him on his way.

‘Paella’s getting cold,’ Alice pointed out.

I released my former Infernal agent, who made a show of brushing himself off before muttering, ‘You know what, Cade? The apocalypse is turning you into a real drag.’

I sat back down, hoping to get one more bite of the damned food, but naturally, the universe– this time in the guise of a vampiric kangaroo– wasn’t going to allow that to happen. I shoved Temper’s muzzle away from my face. ‘Stop licking my cheek, you idiot. I’m not even bleeding.’

The kangaroo snarled, I gave him the finger, the beast’s jaws clenched and his mouth worked furiously. At first I wondered if he were about to bite me, but this looked more as if he’d got a strip of leather caught in his fangs or was trying to —

‘He’s going to speak!’ Corrigan shouted, practically weeping with joy. ‘I told you he was smart, Cade! Go on, boy, tell us what you — ’

For months, Corrigan had been insisting that Temper possessed hidden talents and it was a major flaw in my leadership that I failed to recognise them. Of course, I never failed to remind him that the kangaroo had demonstrated no talent for anything except eating people, although I freely admitted he was pretty good at that.

Now, at last, I was proven wrong.

Temper bore down, the impressive muscles of his arms and torso clenching tightly. His mouth opened wide– and he belched, a rumble so deep and continuous that for a moment I would have sworn I could make out words.

When he was finally done and the other patrons had stopped fleeing the restaurant, he sat back on his haunches and smiled at us.

‘Welcome to the Malevolent Seven,’ I said.

‘Got room for one more?’ asked the stranger none of us had seen come in who was somehow standing behind the empty seat at our table.

It hadn’t occurred to me before, but not all the tables in the restaurant were octagonal. There were at least a couple suited for seven diners.

And yet, Tenebris had seated us at this one.

It’s the little details you miss that can get you killed.