Page 79 of The List

She did not know what to say.

“I can see that Brent didn’t tell you.”

She shook her head. “Not a word.”

“That’s the lawyer in him. God knows both he and his father could keep a secret. Now, don’t look so glum. It’s early, there are treatments, and I have a few good years left. That’s one reason I’m here. To tell you that. The other is that your father came to see me.”

Another surprise, but she had to know, “What did he say?”

“He’s concerned about you and Brent. As I am.”

“He promised to stay out of this.”

“He loves his daughter and is worried. I love my son, and I’m worried too.”

“This whole thing is a mess, and neither one of us really knowshow to fix it.” She paused. “Brent and I love each other, Catherine. I think we have for a long time. We should have worked that out before a lot of other people were hurt.”

“Like your ex-husbands? Paula?”

Her face tightened. “That’s not fair.”

“None of this is fair. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not here defending Paula. She had her faults, and was obviously quite troubled. But Paula is gone.”

“Not to Brent. He still feels guilty.”

“I want you to tell me why.”

She hesitated. “I think you need to ask him that. It’s not my place.”

“But it is. You’re the reason he feels guilty. Look, I wasn’t blind to the problems in that marriage. Brent was never happy. There always seemed to be turmoil. But I never realized, until recently, the full extent ofyourinvolvement.”

“Brent never cheated on his wife with me.”

“I would have expected no less. But you were still there. A presence. An obstacle. A competitor to her. In some ways it was worse than an affair. You had his heart.”

“Paula was determined to hang on to Brent. I think she knew from the start he didn’t really love her—like a husband should love his wife. He tried to stop the marriage, but she wasn’t going to let go.”

“So if you loved him, why did you let him marry Paula?”

A fair question, one she’d posed to herself many times in the years since. “I was so screwed up back then. I didn’t know what I wanted. I never focused on anything. Brent was the only man I ever felt really close to. I trusted him, though at the time I didn’t realize that. It’s taken growing older to see the mistakes I made. You’re right, I should have told him how I felt. He’d get so agitated with me. He tried to pin me down, but I wouldn’t allow it. Paula, to her credit, never gave up. She stayed with him, got the ring and the wedding.”

“But she needed a pregnancy to make it happen.”

“It never would have happened otherwise.”

“And all of this has been festering for how long?”

“For me? Fifteen years. It ruined my three marriages. And Brent’s.” She watched the older woman closely, gauging the reaction. “I want you to know, again, it wasn’t like we were sneaking around all the time. Our relationship wasn’t all that physical. When he moved to Atlanta, I thought I could finally get over him—”

“But you couldn’t.”

She shook her head. “It only got worse. My third marriage was a disaster from the start. But I didn’t want her to die, Catherine. You have to know that. No one wanted her to die. Her killing herself was the last thing anybody considered. Brent, especially. He had no clue she was that unstable.”

“Paula kept a lot to herself. Which became her undoing. What about you, Ashley, when do you plan to tell Brent everything?”

She stared at Catherine Walker.

And saw it in her eyes.