Page 69 of The List

Love, Paula

She’d given it to him the last Christmas they spent together. She loved cards. There’d been many between them over the years they were together. Yet he kept only this one. Why?

He could not remember.

It seemed predetermined they were at least going to try at a life together. He put off the wedding for as long as he could, even tried to get out of it weeks before, but Paula made sure it happened.

Oh, yes, she made real sure.

At the bottom of the box he noticed a single sheet of yellowed paper. He recalled how it made it into the box. He’d just returned from trying to tell Paula the wedding should be postponed. But she’d exploded the baby bomb. So he’d sat in his room and typed out a list, trying to decide what to do.

Paula Pros:Pregnant. Prudent. Dedicated. Loyal. Resolute. We have a history together. Would make an excellent mother. The perfect hostess, but also a wonderful guest. Great cook. Never have to worry about another man. Would always have a clean shirt. Great lawyer-wife. My child deserves a father. She wants to marry me.

Paula Cons:Pregnant. Obsessive. Stubborn. Possessive. No spontaneity. Vain. Inhibited. Hard to please. Can aggravate the hell out of me. Totally dependent. Cries a lot. Would I ever be able to pick out my own clothes? Be careful when I laugh.

Ashley Pros:Exciting. Always happy. Beautiful. Sexy. Spontaneous. Complex like a jigsaw puzzle and equally pleasing when figured out. Unpredictable. Not a jealous bone in her body. I trust her.

Ashley Cons:Unpredictable. Fleeting. Unable to commit to anything. Keeps far too much to herself. I’m never sure what she’s thinking. How would she be with a room full of lawyers? She does not want to marry me.

“Son?”

He turned. His mother stood at the top of the stairs. He hadn’t heard her climb up.

She stepped closer. “What are you doing?”

“Remembering.” He showed her the sheet. What did it matter anymore? “I wrote that a few days before Paula and I married.”

She looked the list over, her face betraying nothing. “Is that the only reason you married her. She was pregnant?”

He told her years ago that Paula had been pregnant when they married. “Looking back, I think it was. I made it clear it was over. The wedding was off. Then she told me she was pregnant. Where before I was simply confused, I suddenly became trapped.”

“So you did the right thing for the wrong reason.”

“That pretty much sums it up.”

“You seemed to have had a real dilemma. I never realized you and Ashley were so close.”

“She’s always been special to me, in a different sort of way. When we were kids it was just friendship. But by the end of high school, it was a whole lot more.”

“You want to talk about it?”

“Not yet.”

“When you do, you know where I am.”

He knew she wouldn’t press. She never did, and he loved her for the trust she seemed to always show in his judgment. A thousand times she’d preached that experience was the best teacher.

She turned to leave, then stopped. “You going out tonight?”

“Ashley and I are having dinner. You mind?”

She reached out and gently squeezed his arm. “Paula’s been gone a long time, son. Life goes on.”

Forty-five minutes later he was dousing the front flower beds with water when a mail truck whipped to the curb and Ashley jumped out.

“What are you doing on this route?” he called out.

She traipsed through the freshly cut grass to where he stood with the hose. “Regular called in sick, so I offered to fill in. You’re looking good.”