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Chapter Eighteen – Freya

I missed Vanora greatly after she departed with Colin’s warriors to return home, but I was surprised to find I did not feel alone. Between the swimming and dagger lessons with Colin in the afternoons, and Katherine allowing me to aid her in the healing room every morning, one sennight turned into another, and I stayed busy. But at night, lying in my bed, listening to Colin’s deep breath in sleep from the floor where he lay or his grunts when he could not get comfortable, I found my thoughts going to him and his offer to my da. That always led to my thinking upon Colin’s refusal of my bargain to sleep with him for Vanora’s sake.

I could not reconcile the things he’d done for me with a man I should fear and think of as my enemy. But he was Da’s enemy. Who should I believe about the breach in the alliance—my da or Colin? The question haunted me, and after yet another sleepless night of tossing and turning, I decided that when the sun rose, I would question him about the attack. What had the warriors worn? When had they come to Dunscaith? Had he actually seen my stepbrother leading the troops? And if not, what made him think they were MacLeod warriors, given the clans had been at peace? Had he seen a MacLeod flag? A tartan? Our emblem? I lay there, thinking of all these questions, and eventually my eyes grew heavy .

I awoke to utter quiet and bright light. As I lay there wondering exactly when I had fallen asleep, I remembered I was going to speak with Colin. I sat up and sighed when I saw that he was gone. I stared at the crumpled plaid he’d used to keep warm, and guilt pricked me at how uncomfortable the hard floor surely had to be. He’d not asked once to share the bed with me. Not that I wanted him to ask. I certainly did not. And yet, for one moment, I wondered what it would feel like to have him sleeping next to me, so solid and powerful. He had shown himself to be quite careful with me, and that had been a new experience for me. None of my other husbands would have slept on the floor or waited to consummate our marriage. Certainly, they would not have taken time out of their days to teach me to throw a dagger or swim. Perhaps it was a strategy, Colin’s way to make me think he was good and could be trusted. I still felt my defenses lowering.

He wouldn’t come to fetch me to break my fast and have my lessons as he had for the first month of my captivity. Since Vanora had departed, he’d failed to return to the bedchamber for me in the mornings, and I’d had to seek him out in the afternoons to ask if he could train me. I found him always with his warriors going through drills. I rose from bed and put on my gown, and I was shocked to realize I could call up a perfect mental image of him as he trained.

On those days when the skies were crystal blue and the sun shone with a fierce brightness, light would catch in his brown wavy hair and reveal red undertones that flickered like flames. His skin was bronzed and golden from hours spent beneath the sun’s unyielding gaze and his muscles were lean and taut, chiseled by the punishing repetition of mock battle. Beneath furrowed brows, his eyes were fixed with intense concentration. A frown carved deep lines across his face as he trained, his brows knotting together like clenched fists, and his lips drawn into a taut purse.

Each time his movements failed to satisfy him, he shook his head with grim determination. He repeated the motion so often that those who trained beside him came to recognize it as a sign of his dissatisfaction. But more than anything, his warriors—and indeed anyone within range—knew he was displeased by the sharp and sudden outbursts, cutting through the air as swiftly as any sword. Whenever he believed the warrior he was training was not heeding him, he would yell with a voice bellowing like thunder, a voice that rattled through armor and pierced even the strongest helmet: “God’s blood, ye clot-heid. Do ye want to die?”

Such cries were not infrequent, for his demands were high, his expectations higher, and his patience, like a blade that had seen too much use, severely worn. These outbursts continued, whipping the air like vicious gales. The words were harsh, but they served as a warning, a call to take seriously what he taught, to strive harder, to think and act as if life were truly on the line.

The force of Colin and his warrior’s hits was astonishing, and the sounds of swords clashing and whistling through the air echoed through the courtyard. At the end of each session, he always patted his opponent on the back when they were done, and he did it with a smile.

I shook the image away and strode out the bedchamber door to the Great Hall to break my fast and discover where Colin went every morning. As I reached to open the Great Hall door, it swung out and Katherine came to a stop so we wouldn’t collide. “Where does Colin go every morning,” I blurted, my impatience getting the best of me .

“Well, good morning to ye, too,” Katherine said with a smile.

“I’m sorry,” I replied as she exited the Great Hall.

“’Tis just that every morning I wake up, he’s always gone, and I’m wondering where he goes.”

She arched her eyebrows. “Why do ye care where he goes?”

Heat singed my cheeks. “I, well, I am trying to understand who he is really. I, I am trying to reconcile him being the man who broke the alliance, which would make him dishonorable, with the man who has shown me consideration and kindness.”

She smirked at me. “Ye can nae reconcile those two things because Colin is nae dishonorable. He did nae break the alliance. Yer da did.” She set a hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. “But I do understand why ye may nae wish to accept that, given then ye would have to accept all that yer da has done for power and greed. He’s lied and killed and he’s sacrificed ye all for his own gain.”

I did nae like that her words hit so close to my own private thoughts. I hated the doubt in my da that was growing. I shrugged her hand off my shoulder. “Can ye please just tell me where Colin goes every morning?”

Katherine eyed me for a long moment, as if she were trying to decide something, then she nodded. “He goes to the bridge to mend planks with the others. He goes to the wall to carry stones to rebuild it. He goes to the gardens to help replant the crops that were burnt. All these things were destroyed in various attacks from yer da.”

“But he’s laird,” I said. “Why does he nae appoint men to see to these things?”

“Because he is nae that sort of laird, Freya. He would nae ever ask one of our men to do a task he’s nae willing to do himself.”

I nodded, thinking about my da and about my brief marriages and husbands. Neither my da nor any of my past husbands would have worked alongside their men to do tasks they could assign.

“He’s different, Freya.” The words were soft, and I could hear Katherine’s love for her brother in her voice. I was starting to question myself, my beliefs about Colin. I was starting to wonder if perhaps his sister was not correct, and Colin truly was different. I didn’t want to face what that might mean in regard to my da, so I looked to Katherine and said, “I’d like to help, too.”

“Ye’d like to help rebuild that which yer da destroyed? Ye’d like to help us gain strength to fight yer da?” She stared at me with obvious skepticism.

“I am nae thinking of it that way. I do nae want to see children starve. Women lose husbands. Bairns lose their das.” I shrugged, feeling suddenly foolish for my offer to help.

“Come along then,” she said, surprising me. “We can use an extra pair of hands, even if it is the hands of our enemy.”

She started to walk away from me, but I said, “Is that how ye see me? As yer enemy?”

She swung around to face me once more, a serious expression on her face. “Until I ken ye will nae hurt my brother, ye are my enemy. He’s been hurt enough by yer family. We have lost our parents. Friends. He lost Magy who he loved with all his heart.”

“Did she die during one of the attacks on Dunscaith before our alliance?” I guessed.

“Aye,” she said, her eyes glistening with unshed tears.

“What happened? ”

“That’s nae my place to tell ye, Freya. Ye’ll have to ask Colin.”

He’d never tell me. I nodded, but my agreement was lost on Katherine. She’d already dismissed our conversation and was striding away. I glared at her back as I rushed to catch up to her. The MacDonald siblings were a cranky lot. I’d lived with warfare as well, though the strategic position of my home meant that Dunvegan had never been breached as Dunscaith had. But keeping Dunvegan secure had meant heavy losses of warriors for my clan as well, which was the main reason Da had needed an alliance—to gain forces to defeat Colin’s clan once and for all.

These thoughts and a jumble more swirled in my head, like the fluttering wings of restless birds, as we made our way out of the shadowed castle through the expanse of the courtyard and over to the stone wall at the far west side of the stronghold. Dozens of men and women moved breathlessly in a busy line, carrying piles of stones back and forth and everywhere to the gaping holes in the wall that protected the west side of the stronghold. With grim determination they worked with urgency, their voices mingling with the clatter of stone and the dust rising in the dim light.

A strange mix of desperation and hope permeated the air around us, buzzing as loud as the activity itself. I glanced around with purposeful intent, searching for Colin, but did not see him. The air felt heavy with waiting, as though something was about to happen but was not yet ready to show itself. I turned in search again, my eyes darting over each blurred face, anxious for some sign of him. But still, I could find no trace.

“Connor!” Katherine bellowed, making me jerk. “Where’s Colin? ”

Connor paused in trying to help a lass up to stand on top of the wall and looked between the two of us. “I think he’s gathering stones down by the shore to carry up here to help rebuild the wall and bridge.”

“Connor!” the lass on his shoulders cried out. “The height is making me dizzy! I do nae think I can stand up on the wall and position the stones.”

He rolled his eyes but immediately lowered the lass to the ground and then flicked his gaze between Katherine and myself. “Nay!” Katherine said before he’d spoken. “Ye ken I can nae abide heights.”

He grunted, scrubbed a hand over his face, and looked around the gathered group before turning back to us. “I’ve already asked most of these lasses. Nae anyone can abide heights. How can that be?”

Katherine shrugged. “Where’s Murieal? She does nae mind heights.”

“I dunnae ken, and I need another set of hands now,” he growled. “I need someone to stand on the wall and position the stones!”

“I do nae mind heights,” I offered.

His eyes lit as he looked at me. “Excellent. All ye need to do is let me hoist ye to the top of the wall and then grab the stones from me as I lift them up and position them on the wall.”

“Colin will nae like this,” Katherine warned, her tone sharp. “’Tis dangerous at this corner with the fall to the rocks below.” It warmed me instantly to imagine Colin fearful for my well-being. I had become a silly fool like Vanora.

“I’m nae a clot-heid, Katherine,” Connor snapped. “I’ll keep hold of her ankle when she’s positioning the stones. I ken how important the lass is to Colin with her gift of sight.” The warmth that had infused me turned to ice. Of course, they had been speaking about Colin being worried for me because of my sight and not simply me.

“I’ll nae fall,” I said, wanting to end the mortifying conversation. “I climbed trees and balanced on branches quite often as a wee lass. I’ve got verra good balance.” And before anything else mortifying could be said, I moved to stand directly in front of Connor and said, “Hoist me up now.”

His eyebrows shot up and then he started laughing.

Katherine flung up her hands. “I’m nae lingering for when Colin returns and sees this. He’ll be furious, and I do nae wish to be in his path.”

Shaking her head, Katherine left us, and Connor said, “Ye’re certain ye have good balance?”

“Aye, excellent.”

Nodding, he threaded his hands together, and I stepped onto his hands and then onto his shoulder to reach the top of the crumbling wall that needed repair. The wind felt stronger up at this height, and for one moment, as it pushed on my body, rustling my skirts and hair, my breath did catch with the slightest bit of trepidation.

Connor raised his hands to his forehead to shield his eyes from the glare of the sun. “Are ye alright up there?”

“Aye,” I said, forcing myself to take measured breaths until the unease slithering through me settled. Once I felt sure footed, I knelt and extended my hands to Connor. “Hand me up a stone.”

“I’ll start with a light one until I’m certain ye have yer footing.”

I nodded, and he handed me a stone. “I’m nae a weakling,” I said, laughing at the small stone he’d handed me. “If ye give these pebbles all day, we willnae make much progress. ”

He stooped to retrieve yet another stone, this one much larger and heavier than the first. Lifting it as if it were nothing, he held it for me to take. When I grabbed it in both hands, the sheer weight tugged me forward with its full force. I yelped as it slipped from my grasp and tumbled to the ground. My right foot slid off the wall. Connor seized my hand in the nick of time, steadying my fall and keeping me upright.

“What in the name of the gods are ye doing up there?” came Colin’s booming, unmistakable voice.

I didn’t need to look to know where he was. He appeared next to Connor in the blink of an eye, his brows knitted in a worried scowl as he glared up at me with tempestuous eyes. “Get down,” he commanded, thrusting his hand in the air for me to seize.

“I’m nae a hound to be ordered about,” I retorted, my patience with husbands and their demands long worn thin. “So, nay,” I snapped, my tone as sharp as a blade, defiance sparking within me with a rebellious edge. Fueled by insolence, I pulled back from Connor and regained my footing, my glare piercing Colin’s brother like an arrow. “Hand me another stone.”

“Dunnae ye dare,” Colin growled, his voice tempered with steel and warning, sending an involuntary shiver through my bones. His eyes, serious and forbidding, locked with mine in a silent challenge. “What the devil do ye think ye are doing?” he asked, the air around him brimming with frustration and disbelief.

“Helping, ye clot-heid!” I bellowed, my voice echoing with righteous determination.

“There are a hundred other ways ye can help, lass. This is too dangerous.”

“Stop yer fretting. I’m nae going to fall and get killed, so ye do nae have to fear ye’ll lose my visions!”

I felt the gawking of his clansmen, but I did nae care. I wouldnae ever dared with my other husbands to defy their orders, but with Colin, well, I knew I could without repercussion. The thought had me suck in sharp breath. I felt safe with Colin. I mean safe in the sense that I trusted him not to lash me or punish me. When had that happened?

“It’s nae the damned visions I’m worried about, ye stubborn lass. ’Tis ye! My every thought is nae for yer visions,” he growled. “Please, get down.”

It was an effort to stop my jaw from sliding open. Please? He’d just said please. The grin started slowly and then became so big I could not stop it. “Well, that’s all ye had to say,” I finally managed and clasped the hand that he’d been holding out to me. He steadied me, and I squatted and sat on the wall.

He reached up, and his hands came to clasp my waist, strong and sure. I scooted off the edge toward him as he pulled, and then I was dangling in the air, above him slightly, skirts falling between us in a puddle. I immediately tugged them to the side as he began to lower me down slowly to the ground. All the way we were skin to skin, body to body, and it wasn’t until my feet touched the ground and settled beneath me that I realized I’d not even flinched or tensed with his touch. My chest had passed against his, the warmth of his body against mine, and I’d not had the slightest bit of fear. Standing so close before him, I did feel something, but it was like nothing I’d ever felt before. There was a tingle in the pit of my stomach and a strange, exhilaratingly overpowering energy humming through my veins. A dizzying, electric current that seemed to come from nowhere and everywhere all at once. My gaze met his, and the smoldering flame I saw in the depths of his gray eyes made my heart skip and jolt.

But then I had a flash of a memory of Donald’s lust-filled eyes. The look he’d given me before the first time he’d taken me to consummate our marriage and had left me empty and broken. He’d looked at me with the same fiery, hungry eyes.

The memory washed over me, sharp and sudden, and I went stumbling backward over a stone and would have tripped and fallen to the ground had Colin not reached out and grasped my arm. His hand was strong and unyielding, reassuring, and as he pulled me back to my feet, I realized I’d been holding my breath. He righted me, and then said, “I had to touch ye.” He looked to the wall, and I realized he thought my reaction was from his helping me down.

“Aye, ’tis nae—” I shook my head, swallowed, and tried again. “’Twas nae ye. It was, it was—” I could feel his clan watching us.

Colin leaned toward me and brought his mouth close to my ear without touching it. “Ghost from the past?” he whispered. The soft hiss of the wind and the distant hum of the water were the only sounds around us, but Colin’s whisper was clear and distinct in my ear, sending a shiver down my spine.

“Aye,” I rushed out grateful that he’d understood without my having to spell it out for him. “Ghost come back to haunt me.”

“Do ye want to aid me in the gardens?” he asked.

I nodded eagerly and when he held his hand out to me, I took it with little hesitation. His long fingers curled around my hand, and then he turned to his brother and said, “Ye train the men today. I’m going to be with Freya.”

I blinked in surprise. “Ye’re taking the day to be with me? ”

“Aye,” he nodded and then led me past his gaping clansmen, through the courtyard, and down a pebbled path to charred grounds.

I stared in dismay. “This was the gardens?”

“One of them,” he said with a nod.

There were a dozen women working in the garden, and I saw many of them look up and wave. I could tell by their lingering looks that they would not mind having Colin’s attention at all. He led me to a small plot that looked better than the plots around it. The soil had been prepared, and there were holes for new seed. He released my hand and scooped up a hand-turned wooden tool with a metal cutting tip and held it out to me. “What’s this?” I asked.

“’Tis a wimble for digging,” he said. The look of astonishment he gave me made my face heat with embarrassment, but he quickly hid his surprise. I was moved by his concern—genuinely grateful. This man was unlike any I’d ever known. There was a gentleness in him, hidden behind a gruff exterior, but unmistakably there. That gentleness had chipped away at my fear, and now I stood on the edge of something uncertain, both hopeful and afraid of what might come if he banished the rest. He was my da’s enemy. And yet, no man had ever shown me such kindness.

Was it real?

Could I trust it?

Did I even dare?