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Chapter Fourteen – Freya

“Ye can nae wear that to be wed in,” Vanora cried out the next night as I picked up the only gown I had.

“What do I care?” I muttered. “I’m being forced to wed, yet again.”

“Ye can hardly compare Colin to yer other three husbands,” she said as a knock came at my bedchamber door, and she turned from me to see who was there.

“We shall see,” I said, not willing to trust his word. But he was the first man who had taken me against my will to give me any sort of promise. In fact, my other husbands would have smacked me across my face for my insolence.

Vanora opened the door, and Katherine swept in holding a gown in one hand and a head wreath of flowers in the other. “Ye did nae need to do that,” I said, refusing to feel thankful for the kind gesture. I knew it was churlish of me, but she was an accomplice to her brother keeping me here.

Katherine chuckled. “I did nae. I ken verra well ye do nae appreciate the gown, but Colin insisted.”

“Colin? Why would he do such a thing?” And before Katherine could answer I said, “Ah, I see now. He does nae want to be embarrassed by my appearance in front of his clan.”

Katherine shot me a smirk. “Colin does nae care what the clan thinks of yer appearance, Freya. They all ken this is a union of necessity. ”

My cheeks heated at that revelation. It wasn’t surprising, still, that didn’t make it any less embarrassing. “Then why the gown and the headdress of flowers?”

Katherine walked toward me and set the gown and the wreath on the bed. “He thought ye might wish a fresh gown, instead of the one ye have been wearing for seven days. And the flowers, well—” Katherine shrugged. “I can only guess that he was trying to soften the blow of forcing ye to wed him by offering ye the flowers.”

“That hardly makes what he’s doing any less dishonorable,” I snapped.

Katherine narrowed her eyes at me. “My brother is the most honorable person I ken. If there was another way to protect our home, to protect our clan, he’d take it. Believe me.”

She sounded so impassioned, that the tiniest part of me, considered what she said, and I was irritated that I could not dismiss her words outright. “I’ll wear the gown,” I said, because frankly my own gown was stiff and itchy from dirt and loch water, and it smelled something terrible. I may not want to wed Colin, but I didn’t want to smell horrid either. “Ye can take the flowers with ye.”

“Suit yerself,” Katherine said, starting to pick them up, but Vanora snatched them up before Katherine could grab them.

“I’ll wear the headdress if Freya does nae wish to.”

“As ye like,” Katherine replied. “I’d hurry and put on the gown, if I were ye, though. Connor will be here to fetch ye shortly to make yer way to the chapel, and he’s been instructed nae to dally.”

“I do nae need a guard to the chapel,” I protested.

“He is nae sent as yer guard,” Freya. “He is sent as yer escort. ”

“Oh,” I replied, my cheeks heating yet again. This was entirely different than my other weddings. Maybe… just possibly… but no. I was not ready to extend the benefit of the doubt.

After Katherine departed, Vanora helped me into my gown, and when I turned to face her, she exclaimed, “Freya, ye are a vision. Colin will be beside himself with desire.”

Her words made me suck in a sharp breath and sent a shiver through me.

“Oh, Freya,” she whispered, hugging me to her as if she were the older sister and I the younger one. “My words were unthinking. I ken ye have been hurt.”

She didn’t know the depth of my fear or pain, and I wanted to keep it that way. At least one of us should have their innocence, their trust, intact.

She patted me as our mama would have, and longing to see my mama, talk to her, feel her loving arms around me, made me ache. “I feel certain Colin will keep his word to ye about the bedding.”

“We shall see,” I said. “I admit at least he bothered to give me a promise. All my other husbands simply took, though I did nae want to give.” That was the most insight I wished to give, so when a knock came at the door, and Connor announced his arrival, I rushed to open it.

He grinned at me. “Ye smell much better than yesterday.”

I laughed at his unexpected words. “I suppose I do.”

His gaze went past me to rest on Vanora for the briefest of moments. “Ye clean up nicely, wee bit.”

Vanora frowned. “I told ye nae to call me wee bit. I’m nae a child and we will—”

“Vanora!” I cut her impending revelation of my vision of the two of them wed. I didn’t want to give Colin any reason to wed them instead. The future could change, and I wanted Vanora to have the time to be young, to mature as only the passing of time could allow for, so that if she did someday wed Connor, it would be for love and not some silly girl crush.

Vanora glowered at me and plopped the flowers on her head but thankfully kept her silence. Then Connor extended an elbow to each of us and we started toward my dark fate. As Vanora chattered, I tried to breathe steadily and deeply to calm the fears rising inside of me, but it was useless. Trying to abate my worry was like trying to hold back a storm. By the time we got to the outside courtyard that was filled with clan members who I supposed wanted to get a look at me, my legs trembled so much I could hardly put one foot in front of the other.

“I’ve got ye,” Connor whispered to me, making me tear my gaze away from all the curious onlookers to him.

“Beg pardon?”

“Ye’re nae moving.”

I hadn’t even realized I’d stopped walking.

“Colin told me ye’d likely be sore afraid, and nae to rush ye and to offer ye words of comfort.”

I frowned. Those actions bespoke of honor, and I was in no way ready to grant the man any good characteristics at all. Yes, he’d saved me twice, but he’d had selfish reasons for doing so, so I said, “I’m certain he thinks to soften me to get me to want to bed him—”

“Aye, of course he does,” Connor said, making me gape at him. He seemed to be unusually blunt, and I begrudgingly liked him. It was easier to like him than his brother, given Connor was not trying to force me to wed him against my will. “But he also genuinely cares for yer welfare, Freya. The sooner ye accept that, the better for ye both. ”

Was that true? I didn’t know, but what I did know was that if I did not let him bed me, and he kept his word not to force me, then our marriage could be annulled. I didn’t say that, because I was not foolish. Instead, I took a deep breath, and said, “Lead me on.”

The procession through the courtyard was almost leisurely, and it seemed as if the clans people parted like the sea to make way for us. As we advanced, I heard the whispers of ban-druidh, and it made me laugh out loud. The clans people shot me strange looks as I stifled it to a chuckle. If I had the powers that Morgana possessed, I would not have been standing here, almost a bride again. If I had any say in it, I would have never been forced to wed in the first place. My pride would have never allowed it. No, I was no witch—though I had certainly been cursed by one. Bitterness at how twisted my fate had become soured my tongue and made the tears sting my eyes with their sharp tang. I blinked furiously, determined not to cry, especially with all these people staring at me with open curiosity.

Ahead, a small chapel finally came into view, and I sucked in a sharp breath at the sight of all the torches that had been lit to lead to the chapel door. The light flickered against the worn stone, stretching long across the ground. Colin stood in the doorway, waiting for me with an expectant look, calm and still. It was a small thing, really, but a gesture none of my other husbands had offered on our wedding days. My resolve wavered and my heart flipped, and for one ill-advised moment, I nearly slipped. Oh, I didn’t want it to move me, but it did nudge me ever so slightly toward softening.

I forced myself to focus away from him, to concentrate instead on the path to the chapel. Uncertain and weak was no way to approach this new life. I wouldn’t be taken in by false kindness. No, this time, I would be the one in control. I picked up my pace. I’d been fooled before by this frail thing called hope, as fragile as a bloom and just as easily killed. With the distance between us closing, a bright flare of resistance burned away the confusion. I would not let him fool me.

The flames of forty torches matched the glow of the setting sun in a warming brilliance. They lined the walk like sentries, marking the way to the chapel door. Their heat flushed my face; I lifted my chin. The clans people fell in behind me, the curiosity in their glances almost more than I could bear. I stepped into the chapel, and my resolve hardened in my chest against the longing for all the dreams I had lost.

Yet, I sucked in a sharp breath at the picture Colin presented of barely leashed power. His long, heavily muscled legs were spread like branches of a rooted tree, and his broad chest strained against the confines of his tunic. His hair curled at his neck in wet tendrils, as if he had just emerged from the loch. He glanced at me and the somberness in his eyes matched the grim line of his mouth. It was so clear in that moment that he didn’t truly want to wed me any more than I wanted to wed him. I couldn’t decide if that made me feel more at ease or worse.

Connor handed me off to Colin, and the gentleness with which he took my hand was like nothing I’d experienced with my other husbands. Every touch had been rough. Every move ordered, as if I were a hound. Colin drew me to his side, his heat enveloping me, his large stature nearly overwhelming. My heart leapt at the thought of what his body could do to mine. I’d known pain, and none of those men had been near as large as Colin. He glanced down at me, his lips softening in the hard line and his eyebrows arching. “Are ye ready?”

“Nay,” I croaked, to which he nodded and set his hand on top of mine, making me jump at the contact.

“’Tis all right, lass. I vow on my life I willnae break my promise to ye.”

I nodded, because there was nothing else I could do. I was glad to find that only Katherine and the priest stood inside the chapel. Behind us, Vanora and Connor entered and then the priest commenced the ceremony. I heard the words. I spoke when I was supposed to, but I was floating above myself, looking down, as if I were a bird observing strange creature far below me. I found myself wishing I was a bird. Wishing I could fly. I would fly away from here, mayhap to a convent where I would be protected. The thought made me blink. My da protected me. Except, well, except he had failed, multiple times. I could forgive his failing to protect me from the men who had stolen me. He could not have known, but a knot of resentment had grown in me, I realized, that he had wed me to Donald. I don’t know why this anger had grown. Well, I knew, but it was not fair to my da. What choice had he had? I tried to imagine my life at a convent. Without a husband. That was fine. Without children. That thought made me frown.

“I suppose congratulations is nae the thing to say.”

The words made me blink. In front of me stood Vanora. The priest was gone and Colin stood looking as if he too wished he was a bird. I laughed at that, and Colin, his brother and sister, who’d been patting him on the back like someone had just died, all looked to me. “What’s amusing?” Katherine said.

“My life,” I answered without fear, and that struck me. I did not fear to speak my mind. It was the first time that I could remember in a very long time not feeling as if I had to hold my tongue. “If I do nae laugh, I’ll cry. I set out to steal a goblet to drink from it and make a wish to nae be forced to wed a man I did nae love, and look at me now? On my fourth husband!” Hysteria was rising inside of me like a wave. “I wonder how many more husbands I’ll be forced to wed?”

Colin took me gently by the elbow and turned me toward the door. “I’ll be yer last, lass. Ye need nae fear ever again. I will protect ye from any man who tries to harm ye,” he said. As he walked me out the door of the chapel a thunderous cheer rang out from his clan.

He paused, smiling, then glanced sideways at me. “They love ye already.”

“They’ll nae love me when my da denies the alliance and attacks yer stronghold again. Men will die. Yer men. Their husbands. Das. Lovers. Then they’ll come to hate me. To blame me.”

His eyes widened. “Is this a prophecy?”

“Ye did nae need the sight to see this future,” I said, my bitterness overflowing. “This is the legacy between our clans.” My heart thundered in my chest. “Ye say ye will protect me from any man who tries to harm me. Ye are harming me. I fear ye. Who will protect me from ye?”

He flinched as if I had struck him with something, and then he scrubbed a hand over his face. When he brought it down, I could not deny the weariness in his gaze. “Ye do nae need protection from me, Freya. I will nae lay a hand upon ye until ye ask.”

I did not bother reminding him I would not ask, but when he set his palm to my lower back to guide me, I arched away from him and glanced up at him. “Ye have already broken yer word. Ye touched me.” I knew I was being ridiculous, but I didn’t care .

His lips pressed together in a hard line once more, but he did not hit me and did not yell or threaten. He moved his hand, motioned to the path and said, “By all means, lead the way to the Great Hall for the wedding celebration.”

I glanced around the crowded courtyard, having no idea which way to go, but I refused to ask, so I decided to turn toward the right. “To the left,” he said, his words warm with gentle laughter, and I felt the embarrassment that heated my cheeks, neck, and chest. And that’s how it went. Me marching ahead, and him so close behind me that his body heat rolled off him to singe me, but he did not break his word and touch me. I got to the Great Hall with his directions, and when we approached, another cheer rose. This time it was all the serving wenches and lads, who greeted us at the door with goblets of wine.

I took mine and downed it in several gulps, despite Colin beside me saying, “Slow down, lass. The wine is strong.” He was right but I liked the way it burned a path down my throat and warmed the ice in my belly. When I was finished, I lowered the goblet, saw he was still holding his full one, and I plucked it out of his hands while shoving mine toward him. I marveled at my behavior. Something strange had come over me. He didn’t stop me, and I marveled at that, too. He stood watching me, eyebrows arched, and a smile tugging his lips upward into a half-grin that would have made my belly flutter in the days before I’d been thrice wedded and bedded.

“Do ye ken,” I said, my tongue tingling, “that ye look like the gods paid special attention to carving ye to please the lasses?”

His grin grew larger. Had I just truly said that? “Do ye think so, lass?”

I nodded. No sense taking it back now. Then, I poked him in the chest. “That does nae mean I want to bed ye.”

“Certainly nae,” he replied, “but do ye think ye could find it in yer heart to dance with me. ’Tis a wedding tradition of my clan, and they are waiting on us to dance before we can all sit to supper.”

I frowned, breath tight in my chest, and swept my gaze over the now full great hall. Servants darted between clansmen. The minstrel had ceased to play and was regarding us with bemusement. The entire assembly seemed to have decided it had better things to do than chat or dance, for they all now had their attention focused on us. His clan was gathered in every corner and nook, standing all around the great hall like a rising tide. They were waiting, I supposed, for us to dance. They must have entered the room when I was drinking the wine. Even my sister was there, standing between Connor and Elizabeth, looking happy like the traitor she was.

“Well, lass?” he asked, the question a gentle one.

I glanced at Colin—my husband. Yet again, I was a bride. The wine had loosened my nerves apparently, because I did not tremble, and my heart did not race ahead. “I’ll dance with ye, but only because I love to dance, and it has been so verra long since I got to, and I’m famished and want to eat.”

A deep chuckle rumbled from his chest, making me wonder how much heartier it would sound if I had my ear pressed to his chest. I hiccupped at the thought.

“When was the last time ye ate?” he asked, his eyebrows dipping together and setting a crease between his brows.

I reached out and pressed my thumb to it, causing him to smirk at me. “I do nae recall,” I said. “When I awoke yesterday?” I offered with a shrug.

He smiled at me, and it made my breath catch. For whatever else he was or wasn’t, he was a compellingly handsome warrior. “The wine has gone to yer head.”

“Aye,” I agreed. “’Tis lovely. Ye may touch me now to dance.”

His hand encircled mine, fingers gripping as though never to release, and he pulled me across the room, both of us breathless. At the last possible moment, he twisted me under his arm, unexpectedly turning me to face the same direction, my body drawn close to his, with his firm right hand still clasping my left. Suddenly, music filled the room with life, and his clan shouted their approval once more, clapping in a pounding, almost feverish rhythm that set the tempo of my heart. A mischievous grin spread across his face as he danced me in one direction, then pivoted to twirl me round. Skipping side by side, our feet hovered above the ground, strings of instruments propelling us, before he spun me down the other way, and the clapping grew so loud, it thundered in my chest like a wild creature, nearly deafening. I turned to face him, and he gripped my waist, circling it with both hands, and lifted me up. I had wanted to be a bird, and now, like magic, I was flying.

He spun me until the world became a whirl of hovering, dizzying colors. I was suspended in mid-air, and my laughter broke free, untethered, the kind that echoed joy, the kind that had nothing to do with hysteria, rising or otherwise. Heat and elation and something else, something foreign and familiar, something more, infused me, a warmth that melted my limbs, melted the room, melted us together, until the spinning stopped. Then slowly he slid me back to earth, hard against soft, flesh against flesh. He didn’t release his hold, just pulled me tighter and tighter. As my pulse spiked, I stumbled backward while pushing him away.

He held his hands up, palms facing me. “I’m sorry, lass. I only meant to steady ye.”

I nodded. His words sounded sincere enough as did the look upon his face. He extended one hand toward me. “Come, let us sit at the dais.”

“I’m more than capable of walking to the dais on my own,” I said, took one step, and tripped. Biting my lip, I stole a look at him from under my lashes and found him fighting not to laugh. Something about the obviousness of his trying to protect my feelings, eased me enough again, that I took his extended hand and allowed him to lead me past his clan to the dais. I sat, stomach growling, in front of my trencher, and had just ripped a chunk of bread to sop up some gravy, when a serving wench appeared before me holding a pitcher of wine.

She started to take my goblet, but Colin shook his head. The lass laughed and winked. “Aye, laird, of course, we want the lass to be in her wits for the bedding!”

My appetite instantly disappeared, and the chunk of bread slipped from my frozen fingers. I thought of my clan and the tradition of the public bedding where everyone always watched at the new couple consummated their marriage. The wine I’d drank threatened to come up, filling my mouth with a sour taste. “Ye promised!” I hissed at Colin.

He frowned. “I promised what?”

“Ye promised ye would nae ye ken until I’m ready to—”

“Och, what’s this?” the serving girl demanded, scowling. “The bedding must be public, so we all ken the marriage is consummated.” Her words were like a spark to wood. The lit the room with “ayes” that became a chanting chorus of “Bed her. Bed her.”

Colin’s nostrils flared, and he glared at the serving wench, before he stood, and let out a shrill whistle that brought his clan to silence. “There will nae be a public bedding and anyone who cries for it again will be on watch duty tonight.” I exhaled a slow shaky breath, feeling all eyes upon me but not caring. “Go back to yer supper,” Colin commanded and sat.

He looked to me. “There. Ye can eat now.”

I had no appetite, but given what he’d just done for me, I shoved the piece of bread in my mouth and forced myself to chew. It could have been wood for all I tasted of it. My mind had begun to replay all my wedding nights, and the more memories that came, the harder chewing became and breathing.

Colin’s sister leaned behind me. “Does it feel strange to be wed again, brother?”

I stilled at that. Wed again? I turned to Colin. “Ye’ve been wed before?”

He nodded but offered no more. The knots in my stomach grew tighter. I did not know this man. I did not know him at all.