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Chapter Sixteen – Freya

“Ye promised nae to touch me,” I reminded Colin the next morning as he tugged off his tunic at the water’s edge. Every muscle he possessed moved fluid like water, I thought as I watched him bring his arms up to rid himself of the tunic. His forearms bulged with every simple movement he made. I was not a silly girl. I did not wish to feel his arms or hands on me, but I did appreciate the way his body was crafted like a fine weapon.

“Ye must take off the gown,” he replied.

“Are ye purposely ignoring my reminder?” I asked him, crossing my arms over my chest and not making a move to take off my gown. Far down the beach, the clank of swords filled the silent morning. No one was up yet except the warriors in training and Colin and me.

“Aye, I am,” he said, the words short, but when I glanced at him from under my lashes, I caught him smiling before he looked away. He was very handsome when he wasn’t scowling. In fact, I could have sworn in that moment I had seen his smile that I’d seen tell-tale signs of a great deal of past laughter. There had been lines of humor around his mouth and near his eyes. There was an inherent strength in his face, and his bronzed skin pulled taut over the elegant ridge of his cheekbones.

He finished ridding himself of his astonishing number of weapons—two swords and two daggers—and then looked to me. “Ye should be taking off yer gown.”

Just the thought of taking a layer of protection off made me queasy. “Ye should be training with yer men if ye intend to keep this stronghold,” I shot back.

“Ye can nae swim in the gown, Freya.” His tone was surprisingly patient. “It will weigh ye down, and yer legs will get tangled in it.”

“What care ye if I ken how to swim?” I demanded, not wanting to learn now that I realized I needed to take off my gown.

He smirked at me. “I would prefer ye nae drown.”

“I will simply avoid the water,” I pronounced, pleased with my quick wit.

“And if per chance ye needed to escape by the water and ye fell in?” he demanded. “Or what if someone dragged ye into the water, and ye needed to swim away from them?”

As he talked, I found my gaze dropping to his legs. They were long, muscled, and reminded me of solid tree branches.

“Freya!” he snapped his fingers, and I jerked my attention back to his face. “Did ye hear me?”

“Of course,” I lied. “Ye said…” My face heated that I had no notion what he’d said.

“I said, I would feel better kenning ye could swim away from danger.”

“So ye will nae lose yer weapon,” I growled, angrier at myself that I’d been caught staring at him than I really was at him.

“Lass, everything I do is nae because of yer gift. Ye are my wife now, and I will see ye as protected as possible.”

“Who will protect me from ye?” I demanded, not liking the way his words made my heart flutter like a silly na?ve girl and not a woman who knew better than to believe lies .

He gave me a frustrated look. “Ye do nae need protection from me.”

“Nay?” I demanded. “Ye wed me to use me, aye?”

“Aye,” he said with a growl.

“Then I need protection from ye.”

“Fine.” He threw up his hands. “Do nae learn to swim.” He bent down and started to gather his weapons.

“Wait!” I protested. My fear and my pride were causing me to make a foolish choice. “I’ll take off my gown if only to learn to swim to escape ye.”

“There’s the spirit,” he said with a wink that made me laugh. It burst out of me with a merriment I’d not felt in a very long time.

Colin went still and stared at me in way that made my belly clench. It was a heated look. Not like the way my other husbands had looked at me as if I were an object for their pleasure. He looked at me as if he were imaging pleasuring me. I swallowed, and he said, “Ye’ve a lovely laugh.”

“Thank ye,” I managed, turning away, glad to have the excuse of taking off my gown to do so. My heart surged in my chest with a furious rhythm, pulsing faster than it had a mere moment ago, and it was not fear that drove this wild tempo. No, it was something else. A tingling sensation churned in the pit of my stomach, a sensation that terrified and thrilled me in equal measure. Could it be desire? I could not let myself want this man. If I let myself want, the risk of open wounds was too great. Too many scars under the thin fabric of my gown. I was far, far too afraid to be touched, and yet here I was, remembering my past hopes and wanting.

I recalled a time before reality crushed my dreams, when I would lie alone in my bed, in the dark, and wonder what it might be like to be truly, deeply connected with my husband, the man I thought I would love. The fantasy was tender, the dream shimmering; I rolled my eyes to the sky, expelling the ghost of wistfulness. How terribly foolish I had been! As if love could protect me. What I knew now of being with a man was that it ended in pain and betrayal. As if it ever felt good. As if it ever could. What I knew now was enough to make me resolve never to feel want again. Yet here it was. This trembling. This ache. Here it was, and I was helpless before it. I knew it, and I hated it, and I hated myself more. And still, my heart would not stop its frantic beat, and still, the tingling in my stomach would not subside. It consumed me, leaving me ragged. If I let it undo me, what would be left? Only terror upon terror, only hurt. I remembered his hands on me, the way I trembled, and the way he laughed. I forced myself to think of nothing now but the task at hand.

Once I had rid myself of my gown, I turned back around and blinked to discover Colin had already entered the loch. The man moved with a frightening quietness. I walked to the water’s edge and allowed a gentle wave to roll over my toes. “What should I do?” I called out, as he swam away from me.

“Get in!” he called out. “But do nae go further than yer calves.”

“For what purpose?” I said, taking a step into the water.

“For the purpose of seeing how the water makes ye feel. For the purpose of allowing yer body to get used to the temperature difference before we begin. I’ll swim closer if ye dinnae mind?”

“Aye,” I said immediately, having no wish to drown. I moved further into the water and watched him swim toward me. The sun glistened off his arms and back like icy beams of radiance. He seemed a very steady swimmer with his sure measured strokes and the speed at which he ended up before me. When he was standing in front of me, I asked, “Who taught ye to swim?”

“My da,” he replied. “Come further. To yer thighs.”

I nodded, proceeding slowly. The water crept up, as did my heartbeat, but I was determined not to be fearful.

“How is it that yer sister kens how to swim, but ye do nae?” he asked.

“When I was a lass, Bran offered to teach me. His idea of teaching me was to throw me in the water from a cliff and shout, ‘swim.’” The memory made me shiver. I shrugged. “Needless to say, I did nae learn to swim that day, and after nearly drowning I was terrified of trying again.”

“I imagine yer da was angry at Bran.”

I frowned, recalling suddenly that I’d felt upset because Da had not seemed as angry at Bran as I would have thought he’d been. But I did not reveal that memory. Instead, I said, “Aye,” and nodded.

“Did he punish him?” Colin asked.

“Well, nay.” The disgusted look on Colin’s face caused me to rush out more words in my da’s defense. “Only because Yennifer, my stepmother, begged him nae to.”

“Does yer da always do what yer stepmother asks?” Colin inquired.

I guessed immediately where he was trying to lead my thoughts. “My stepmother did nae ask my da to attack yer castle!”

“Maybe nae,” he shrugged. “But maybe she begged yer da to cover up the fact that it was her son who broke the treaty.”

I opened my mouth to deny it, but I had a sudden sick sensation in the pit of my belly that the possibility he’d just suggested could be true. I thought back through the years, and all the things Bran had done that he’d not gotten into trouble for whereas I’d constantly been in trouble with Da telling me he expected more from me.

Bran had failed to water a horse after a long ride, and it had gotten terribly ill. I’d once forgotten to brush my horse and been sent to bed without supper for the transgression. Bran never showed up for supper on time, but if Vanora or I were to do that, we were denied our seat at the dais or supper. And Bran slept through his shift at the guard tower more times than I could count without punishment. I got smacks on my hands quite often for failing to show up to needlepoint with Yennifer.

I could feel the heat of Colin’s gaze upon me. “My da would nae have done that,” I whispered. My emotions swirled within me. If Bran really had been the one to break the treaty, and if my da had covered the truth up, then Da had chosen to protect the needs of one over the clan. Over Vanora. Over me. And in doing that he would have restarted a war that had already taken so many lives. And he would have been willing to wed me away when it could have been avoided by admitting the truth. But the truth would have cost him Eilean Donnan. Power. Mayhap Yennifer’s affection. Had my da sacrificed me for power? For Bran? For Yennifer? I shook my head. “Nay. Nay, he would nae do that to me.”

Colin nodded, but his face held a skeptical look. “As ye say, Freya.”

I scowled at Colin. The words were right, but the knowing tone, the look of pity was not. “Are ye going to teach me to swim or nae?” I bit out.

“Aye. Cup yer hands like so.” He held up his hands to show me and I mimicked what he did .

“Verra good. Now use yer arms like this,” he said, arcing one arm over his head, and when his hand cut through the water, the other arm started the progression. “And turn yer head side to side as yer doing it.”

“For what purpose?”

“For the purpose of nae dying. Ye turn yer head to take a breath,” he said with a deep hearty chuckle that made me want to laugh with him, so I did.

When our merriment died, I tried what he’d shown me. “Is that right?”

“Aye. The last part is to kick yer legs.”

“But if I kick my legs, I’ll nae longer be standing on them.”

“By the gods ye’re an astonishingly clever lass,” he teased with a wink.

I scowled, but this time, it was pretend. I was surprised to find I was having fun. “I mean to say, I’ll drop under water.”

“Nay if ye kick hard enough and use yer arms like I showed ye. And if ye should drop under water, ye kick yer legs to propel ye up and ye use yer arms to cut through the water and aid yer legs. Beyond that,” he said, “ye currently could simply stand. We are nae that deep.”

And yet, even knowing that, I could nae make myself try. Fear had a grip on me and kept me standing and not moving.

“I could hold yer hands while ye get used to kicking yer legs,” he offered. “Of course, that means I’ll be touching ye.”

“I’ll make an exception for this,” I said, smirking.

He grinned, and my heart squeezed oddly. Nay. Nay. This man was teaching me to swim because he wanted to ensure I was safe, because he needed me alive to use me. Not because he cared even the smallest measure about me. I needed to remember that. Yet, as he extended his hands to me, I took them. For one moment, I tensed as an image of him flickered at the edge of my mind, but then I squeezed my eyes shut and willed it to come. Instead, I saw nothing but black as I did every time I tried to conjure an image of my own future to use.

“Lass?”

I opened my eyes and met his concerned gaze. “The sun was in my eyes,” I lied, as my heart thudded. Why could I not conjure that image of him? Before, I had not willed the vision I had of him saving his sister to come. It simply had. Morgana’s words rang through my mind. Ye will have the power to manipulate futures. But nae yer own. The image that had tickled my mind must have somehow been a vision that I could use to manipulate my own future. I had seen visions of my past husbands, but in not one instance did my vision give me the opportunity to change my future. I was physically incapable of holding my visions back when they came or lying about them, and each time I’d had a vision of my husbands, I had been touching them. And they had demanded to know the vision.

“Are ye ready?” he asked, thankfully taking me at my word about the sun.

I nodded and lifted my legs to kick. He pulled me sideways through the water as I did as he instructed, and soon, he let go of my hands and yelled, “Use yer arms as I told ye!” Immediately, I started to sink, and tensed, but he reached under me to put his forearm underneath my belly and push me up.

“I have ye,” he assured me. “I willnae let harm come to ye.”

I nodded and tried to do as he’d showed me again. When I felt I had mastered it, I said, “Ye can let go.” I kicked my legs furiously and arced my arms over my head with my palms cupped as Colin had showed me, and I swam four strokes. I got so excited about it that I shouted, forgot to kick and sunk under the water in a flash. Terror gripped me but then strong hands grabbed me.

Colin pulled me up out of the water, slid his arms under my legs, and looking down at me with a smile, said, “Ye did it.”

“I did it,” I said between coughing because I’d gulped in water.

“Do ye want to try again?”

I nodded enthusiastically. He released me, and this time, I did not yelp when I began to swim. Instead, I concentrated on doing as he had told me, and I swam back and forth, savoring the feel of my body gliding through the water. Soon, though, my arms and shoulders started to burn, and my legs felt heavy. I turned to find Colin, suddenly fearful that I was too weak to keep swimming, and there he was directly behind me.

“Tired?”

“Aye,” I said.

He swam right up to me, and said, “I’m going to flip ye on yer back to swim ye to shore.”

I nodded, but when he did as he said and slipped his arm around me, and my body was pressed to his, I went rigid.

“Lass,” he said. His mouth was near my ear and his warm breath wafted over my sensitive earlobe. “Ye dunnae need to be tense. I fancy myself quite a capable man, but I do nae think I’d be able to ravish ye in deep water whist attempting to swim ye back to safety.”

I burst out laughing at that, and my body immediately relaxed. “I’m sorry, ’tis just— ”

“Ye need nae explain, and ye certainly do nae need to be sorry,” he said, swimming us with sure quick strokes toward the shore. “’Tis yer dead husbands who were sorry. They should have protected ye, nae hurt ye.”

“Oh, they protected me, all right,” I said, not hiding my sourness. “Just nae from them.”

When we got to the shallow part of the water, I went to stand up, but he said, “Hold on.”

“For what?” I asked, glancing up at the clear blue sky.

“I want to give ye a gift.”

“A gift? What sort?”

He grinned. “Close yer eyes, lean yer head back, and put out yer arms. Ye’re going to float on yer back. ’Tis the most relaxing thing in the world.”

I nodded and was quick and eager to do as he said. “What now?” I asked when my eyes were closed and my arms out to my sides.

“Now, ye float!” He moved his hand from my lower back, and when I didn’t sink under, but stayed atop the water, I opened my eyes in amazement. Our gazes collided, and the intensity in his, put a flutter in my chest.

“Why are ye watching me?” I asked, self-conscious.

“To keep ye safe,” he answered immediately. Then frowning, he added, “And because ye are beautiful.”

His begrudging tone and deep scowl made me laugh when the day before I might have become fearful at him calling me beautiful because I knew full well men wanted what they were attracted to. “Ye do nae like that ye find me fetching?”

“Nay,” he replied. “I do nae like it at all. Come along,” he said, his voice now gruff. “I want to teach ye to throw the dagger, and I do nae have all morning to waste.”

I trudged behind him through the water to the beach, and when he hit the sand, he quickly dressed and was sheathing his weapons while I struggled to get my gown on as I stared at his back. He’d turned away from me to allow me to dress I presumed, and when he faced me once more, his gaze stopped on my face before dropping downward. With a half groan, half grunt, he said, “Can ye nae dress quicker?”

“Nay, I can nae!” I snapped at him, because he’d snapped at me.

“Turn around,” he barked, just as I got one of my arms fully into my gown.

“Whatever for?” I demanded.

“Ye are wet. The material of yer gown is thin. And I can see all the ample gifts the gods gave ye.”

“Oh!” I squeaked and jerked around. Once I had the gown on and tied, I turned slowly back and blinked to find him gone. Looking around I located him at the foot of the stairs that led to the outer courtyard.

“Hurry up,” he bellowed.

“Brutish man,” I muttered under my breath as I strode toward him only to have him leave me again the minute I got to the foot of the stairs. He was halfway up before I had even gained two steps. When he reached the top of the stairs, he glanced back at me, and I did get the sense it was to ensure I was coming still, but then he gave a nod, swiveled around, and banged through the gate to the inner courtyard.

I clomped up the last of the steps and through gate, seeing from the distance that a serving wench had approached Colin. The lass was laughing and holding a goblet of wine to him which he drank from before smiling and handing it back to her. He looked my way, and the smile left his face to become the scowl again .

“Do nae mind me,” I said, finding myself surprisingly irritated to watch the lass fawn over the man I did nae even want to be wed to. “I’ll just stand here whilst ye two carry on.”

Colin gaped at me, but then turned to the lass and said, “Thank ye, Letha. My thirst is quenched.”

She eyed me then smiled up at him and said, “If there is anything else ye require—anything at all—ye ken where to find me.”

“He gets yer verra loud, verra clear message,” I growled. “So go on with ye.”

Glaring at me, the lass turned and stomped away. I pretended to be watching her, but really, I was embarrassed to look at Colin. I had no notion what had come over me. What did I care if a lass flirted with him, or if he flirted back or bedded her? I did not want to be bedded by him, and I was under no illusions that he wed me out of any sort of affection or loyalty, so I expected nothing. And still…and yet…my heart suddenly ached. I supposed it was for all I had dreamed of, had wanted, and would never have.

There was a faint glint of humor in his gaze. He knew, damned the man, that I’d acted strangely.

“Jealous were ye?” he said, the humor in his tone matching what I’d seen in his eyes.

“Certainly nae,” I said, trying to sound bored as I watched him unsheathe his dagger and then mine, which he’d insisted on holding since I did not yet have a sheathe for it. He held my dagger out to me, hilt first, and I took it.

“Do ye still wish a lesson?”

“Do ye still wish to give it? Seems to me ye could nae get away from me quick enough.”

His response was a grunt. “Aye. If ye were nae jealous, what was that behavior?” he asked, motioning in the air with his dagger.

“I am far too used to my husband’s nae keeping their wedding vows to bother with jealousy,” I snapped.

His intense stare riveted me to my spot. “I am nae one of yer former husbands. I will nae ever break our vows.”

“Nay?” I said, allowing all my disbelief to come through. “Nae even if I do nae ever agree to let ye bed me?”

“Do nae have a big head,” he huffed. “My bedding ye is about duty nae desire. I will nae be pining for ye and needing to bed another lass because of unchecked desire.”

My pride felt as if he’d hit it hard. I flinched inwardly. “Well, that’s certainly good to know, because I do nae desire ye at all either. Now teach me how to throw this dagger, so I’m better equipped to kill ye with it.”