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T hea was in awe of how clearly Shay understood the differences in one’s behavior, specifically guilt and shame. But she also knew how often he’d said he didn’t deserve things such as love and happiness.

It seemed to Thea that a man who truly believed he could not have either would have less reason to try. Like a child who is punished when they have done nothing wrong, it would not be long before they would learn it makes no difference if they behaved. If the punishment inflicted was the same regardless, why not just do what one wished?

She thought her husband may have fallen into this trap and by the time he realized he wanted to be good enough for something real, he felt it was too late.

“It is not too late for you, Ellis.”

Hearing his real name had an intense effect. He slumped to the settee letting his head hang low with his arms resting on his knees. After a few moments he raised his head and began speaking.

“Very well. The truth, Thea. Everything.” With a nod he stood and began to pace the room. “I bought Nuit Noire , as soon as I was old enough to order my solicitor to spend the funds. I lived every day in the fear that someone would eventually learn my secret and I would be cast out of all my fine homes and everything entailed would be taken away. I needed something that was not entailed. Something that would earn money so I would never find myself out on the streets like I had been.”

She might have asked why it had to be a gaming hell, but if someone wanted to make a great deal of money quickly, it made sense that he would choose such a business.

“Later, as the years went on, and my business became a success, I didn’t worry about being found out as much as I had. People talked and cast speculations, but no one challenged me and I began to feel safe. But I still wasn’t able to sell it. For whatever reason.” He shook his head. “At first, it was a lark when your brother came to Nuit Noire. He seemed like any other dandy of the ton , with money to spare. Having grown up the way I did, I found his ilk repulsive. And taking their money seemed justified in some way. For now that I didn’t worry about surviving, the funds I collected at my tables were shared with those lost children from the streets. I couldn’t change what I’d done, but I could use that place to make things easier for those Society chooses to ignore.”

When he sat again, she took the seat next to him and placed her hand over his, hoping to help him purge all this pain.

“Your brother is truly the worst player I’ve ever seen. But beyond his lack of any skill or strategy, he cannot stop playing until he’s lost everything. Even when he wins, he plays until his winnings are gone. I’m embarrassed to say it took much too long for me to realize his hunger for the gaming tables was as serious as it was. And perhaps it hadn’t been as bad at first. I wonder if I’d turned him away earlier if he might have been spared, or would he have just gotten tangled up with Flint sooner?”

She saw the guilt over this etched on Shay’s face, and gave his fingers the slightest squeeze.

“I do not allow my customers to wager too deeply. Even so, Stephen managed to rack up two thousand pounds of debt with the house when I cut him off. He owed others personally as well. Even Reese was due a hundred pounds. Billings asked me to send him away but I had already seen how bad he’d gotten by then and had instructed my men to keep him out.”

“And then he was forced to go to Flint?”

“Aye. Mayhap I should have allowed him to stay. At least with me he wouldn’t have been in danger. But I have people who were counting on me for their livelihood. The children. The ladies who served the men.”

With this revelation his gaze flicked to her. She made sure to remain still and not show any judgment. Though the idea sickened her, she knew from her research that when a woman had no other means but to turn to that profession the best she could hope for was protection from a fair employer.

Shay had grown up on the streets. There was a chance his mother was in a similar way so of course he would have seen those ladies cared for properly.

She swallowed and he went on.

“I also thought Flint’s threats might have scared him straight. But after a beating he showed up at my tables again declaring he was paid up with Flint and ready to make good at Noir .”

“When I paid them the first time.”

“Aye. But I didn’t know that then. I did worry he’d done something foolish and the money he was using to clear his debt would be found to be dirty so I refused him. Unfortunately, he continued on with Flint until he got in so deep, he couldn’t get out.”

She nodded so he would know she would rather skip over the part where her own brother had planned to hand her off to pay his debts.

“And then we married,” she prompted the jump in the story.

“I didn’t contact him. I would have allowed ye to stay in the cottage all your days.”

She forgot he hadn’t heard what happened with Frannie and quickly filled him in on those details.

“When we came to London, I met with your brother for a few reasons. I wanted to make sure he didn’t get it in his head to do something to hurt you. Guilt is suffocating, and some men will do anything they can to relieve it. Even worse things than what they’d done originally. I needed to make sure he wasn’t a danger to you.”

He rubbed his forehead.

“I found out he’d been forced into service with Flint to pay down his debt. I knew I wanted to get out of the business and made an offer to Flint to buy Noir. Under the conditions that he forgive Stephen’s debt, he never allowed him to play again, and that he kept up with taking care of the people counting on the profits from the business.”

Thea frowned thinking it sounded like a very gentlemanly arrangement for someone like Flint.

“You think he will keep that bargain?”

“Flint is what he is, but he grew up on the streets same as me. He doesn’t have a problem paying back to make others more comfortable. We may have run in different cities. But London or Inverness, a person never forgets what a hungry belly feels like.”

She nodded. The fact that Stephen had been put to work rather than tossed in the Thames was a testament to the fact that Flint had some small amount of honor, at least. Perhaps more than her brother.

“I thought if I waited to tell you all of this until after I was done with it, that somehow it would be better. Maybe easier for you to accept. But I realize now as I’m telling you all of this, the timing is irrelevant. I still caused you such pain, Thea. I didn’t know you existed at the time, and I didn’t trick you into marriage to cover your brother’s debt, but I am far from innocent. Your life was destroyed because of me.”

“Then it seems only right, that my life has also been fulfilled because of you, does it not? Before my escape from London I lived an imaginary life through my writing. But you have given me a real life. Real happiness. Real hope. Real…love.”

His head snapped up as he looked at her intently. Had she misunderstood what he’d said before? She was sure he loved her as she did him. He’d said he was a man trying to love.

“Love?” he asked, his voice barely a whisper.

Her courage wavered and she glanced away from his piercing gaze.

“That is, I love you, Ellis.”

His eyes glistened as he stared at her. Then he took a step forward.

“You love me? After everything you know about me?”

“I love you because of everything I know about you.”

“And you’re sure you’re well? You didn’t take a turn on the stairs this morning? Because last night I was certain I would be sending you off never to see you again. And now—”

She leaned up on her toes to press a kiss to his lips. She’d meant only to stop his rambling and prove she was of sound mind, but as often happened when their lips met, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer so he could kiss her thoroughly.

When they broke away only far enough to catch their breath, he looked at her and smiled. And that small smile ignited into the brightest grin she’d ever seen on his face.

“Should I ask after your head?” she said when he broke into laughter.

“Perhaps, but not about this. I feel… I feel as if I’ve been forgiven of my crimes. Ever since that day I lied to Harrington, so I could come here and live this life that wasn’t mine, I never felt I deserved anything good. But somewhere someone must have forgiven me, for I never would have found you otherwise.”

“Destiny is when the path you were on meets up with the path you were meant to take,” she repeated what he’d been told as a child.

He nodded.

“I love you, Thea. I couldn’t love you as much as I do without first allowing myself to be loved. I see that now.”

“And you’ll allow me to love you for the rest of our lives?”

He pressed a kiss to her lips before saying, “I might well demand it.”

She smacked his shoulder playfully. “Now you are just being bossy and you know how I feel about that.”

“Let me take you upstairs to beg your forgiveness.”

Before she could answer, he whisked her up into his arms and carried her out of the study toward their bedchamber.