Page 15

T hea was quiet on the way home, and Shay didn’t know if he possessed the courage to ask why. It had seemed like she’d had a good time, dancing with more men than he’d appreciated since they all thought her engaged to him.

But since he wasn’t in truth he’d not complained. Even when she was not seated next to him at supper he’d simply smiled at her where she sat next to Lord Barnes. The man was much too chatty by half. And what had they been laughing at?

Shay did his best to curb his disapproval. Lord Barnes, being the third son of a viscount was certainly suitable for Thea if she wished to call off their fake engagement and seek out such a match. But he’d thought her content to write her books and spend her days answering his questions.

How selfish he was to not want more for someone who had become… such a close friend. He squeezed his fingers into a fist and released them. If she wanted Barnes, he would do all in his power to see her happy. So long as Barnes wouldn’t stand in the way of her writing. Shay shouldn’t have to give up his favorite author. He let out a sigh and resolved himself to giving up everything about her.

Surely Barnes wouldn’t appreciate her spending every waking hour at a desk with a pen in her hand when she might be in his bed. Shay swallowed, or tried to swallow down that thought. Thea would be much too busy to write once they had children. She would be an active mother, he knew. That thought caused him to envision her playing with three small children, with black hair and blue eyes, shrieking wildly with laughter the way Willie did when Shay tossed him into the air and pretended to drop him.

“Damn it,” Shay muttered.

“Did you say something, my lord?” Mrs. Winters asked.

“Nay. Just clearing my throat,” he said, and it wasn’t even a lie for he was unable to dislodge the large mass that had taken residence in his throat.

It shouldn’t have been any surprise for Shay to uncover these deep-seated desires for a family and children to love. After being alone for so long, he’d had a family in the late Lord Flemming and Harrington. As unconventional as it was, he’d lapped up their affection like a starving boy with a bowl of warm stew, which was not so much a metaphor but a comparison.

He’d been loved by his mother as well, and had loved all of them in return as much as his guilt would allow. And when they’d died, he’d not allowed himself to risk such pain again. He didn’t deserve anyone’s love and he didn’t want to lose anyone else.

Hearts, however, were a damn mess. They didn’t always do what they were bid. And sitting there in the dark carriage, he realized how easy it would be to give into those other things. To take what Lord Barnes and Thea deserved, and what Shay did not.

He would need to tell Thea she should call off their engagement so she could explore something real with Lord Barnes. That was the right thing to do and he would do the right thing.

He was able to put off the conversation a little while longer because Mrs. Winters was in the carriage, but when they arrived at the cottage and Mrs. Winters went inside to bed, they were alone.

He sent the carriage away thinking that regardless of what happened next he wouldn’t need the coach.

She hesitated at the steps and he wanted to ask if she wished to go for a walk as they had after the dinner. A clap of thunder foretold of a pending storm and from the volume of the rumbling he guessed it would be on them momentarily. As if the heavens themselves planned to stop him from going down the wrong path.

With a stroll into the dark gardens out of the question, it left either standing there until it rained or him following her inside. Something he knew wasn’t proper and didn’t think she would agree to.

Though it was odd since he would spend all day in her company in the same drawing room during the day, but for whatever reason it was different now. Even he sensed the change.

“There is a fine bench on the porch,” he suggested and she nodded.

He followed her slow progress up the stairs. She looked like she was climbing up to the gallows rather than spending a few extra moments alone with him. Something was wrong. Rather than ask straight out what was bothering her, he inquired on things that weren’t his fault.

“Did someone say something that upset you?” There were all sorts of rumors about him, many of them true, and most of which he hoped she’d not heard. Had Lord Barnes said something untoward? He rather enjoyed the idea of having a reason to pummel the man in his handsome face.

“No.” She shook her head as well as spoke, which was good because he’d hardly heard her with the thunder and how softly she’d answered.

“Did you not have fun?” he pushed a little more.

“I had the most fun. It was a lovely evening. Perfect actually.”

“But…” he hinted, unable to keep poking around. He was never a very patient person.

“I would ask that we end this ruse of our betrothal,” she said the words he’d been expecting, but yet he sat back with the shock. She wanted to take up with Lord Barnes. Of course, she did. He could give her all the things Shay could not.

He opened his mouth to speak. To acquiesce to her request. To give her anything she needed to find happiness, but nothing came out. Not a blasted sound.

She sat up even straighter than her already impressive posture. “I understand why you wished to tell everyone you were betrothed, but I do not want to continue with the story.”

He blinked and nodded. Of course he would not be such a bounder as to force her to continue with what was just one more lie on the already large pile of deception for him.

“Did you meet someone who interested you this evening?” he asked as his body tensed, waiting for her to speak the man’s name who would be the first to touch her. Shay would be happy for her, she deserved every happiness. And eventually when he could unclench his hands he would tell her how pleased he was for her.

“No. That is, there were many interesting people, and I enjoyed dancing and speaking with everyone, but not in the way you meant.”

“I see,” he said, but he didn’t see a blasted thing. His vision flickered with relief. Yet, he didn’t understand what had caused her to want to put an end to it. Their fake engagement allowed her to take part in evenings like this one. Evenings she’d claimed as perfect. So why would she want to stop?

When she remained still, looking down at her twined fingers it was all he could do to keep from taking her hands in his and begging her to tell him what was wrong.

She’d removed her gloves in the carriage and in the light coming from the window he could see the shadows on her fingertips where they were stained with ink.

Some of those stains might have happened while she’d written the story of the couple at the ball.

They kissed.

The rain began, large drops hitting the stone steps that seemed to echo to where they sat protected under the roof. He breathed in the scent of rain as lightning flashed and thunder cracked.

“Thea, I think of you as one of my closest friends,” he began with another lie. He thought of her in ways he surely didn’t think of Finn or Reese. “If something has upset you, I’d like to know so I might help in some way.”

She shook her head.

“It is difficult to explain. Well, not difficult as much as it is humiliating.”

“Humiliating?” Now he was at a complete loss. He’d been expecting her to want something else entirely.

“I don’t wish to keep pretending that we are betrothed because… Because it has stirred up hopes I thought were long dead. Silly debutante dreams of planning a wedding. People asked me when we would be married tonight and if we would wed in the chapel here at Cawdor, and while I knew it wasn’t real, my mind started to envision it without my permission. I thought I was past such foolish wishes for a husband and a family. It had been impossible. And I had accepted that. Or thought I had. Now, my heart aches anew for something I’ve known all this time I will never have.” She shook her head again. “Utterly ridiculous.”

“It isn’t ridiculous. It’s not like you are some shriveled up harpy, Thea. You still have time to find someone who suits you.” Someone who wouldn’t be him. Unless… Did she want it to be him? When she pictured her wedding at the chapel here at Cawdor, was it him standing at the end of the aisle eagerly awaiting her arrival?

She let out a sigh.

“You are not the only one who is unsuited for marriage, my lord. While I don’t know the reasons you avoid the institution, I have my own.”

“Which are?” he pushed though it wasn’t any of his business. Still, he found himself wanting to know more than anything.

“Marriage means giving up control of everything to my husband. All my finances, the income from my books, my very self would become the possession of the man I wed. I don’t know that I could ever trust a man enough to turn over control of my life in that way. Not after having no control as my brother lost everything. And how would I find a husband who would allow me to continue writing? No gentleman would appreciate a wife who does nothing but sit at a desk writing all day. And I don’t know what would happen if I were forced to stop.”

“You’d likely be in danger of exploding from holding all those words inside,” he said with a smile. He was pleased when his jest earned him a light chuckle at least.

“I must be content to write the heroes of my heart, fictional as they may be. Men who are perfect because they don’t actually exist.”

“I’m sorry that I caused you such pain. No more dinners, or balls, or parties. I promise.”

“I don’t blame you for wanting some bit of freedom to enjoy society without all the trappings. I did have fun tonight. And now I can write about the experience with more details than I had previously.”

Once again his thoughts were pulled to that imaginary couple dancing at the ball, and the way it had faded into just the two of them, alone in the ballroom. Was that because she didn’t have the details needed to expand the scene into a real ball? Then he remembered how abruptly the story had ended.

They kissed.

Was it because she was unable to describe the kiss in the same detail as she had the way they looked at each other. Had she never been kissed?

He studied her lips, so soft, especially the way the bottom one caught in her teeth when she was nervous or unsure about something. Thunder crashed causing her to jump and jolt him from a path they would likely regret.

He couldn’t kiss her. Not when she felt vulnerable for wanting something he could not give her.

Not ever.