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A fter having discussed where they would sleep and what activities they would enjoy, things became easier between them. Thea slept in bed with her husband each night, often after a round of lovemaking. One or the other would wake up their partner with kisses or touches that kept them late for their morning meal most days.

And when they were up for the day, Thea spent time in her study writing with her husband sprawled languidly across the settee either reading or sleeping.

On those occasions when he was napping she found herself distracted by him. She would just look at him when he was relaxed and at peace, and in those moments she thought she could see that small boy alone in a world that had planned to corrupt him.

She was so happy he’d been saved and brought home where he belonged.

It was as if everything had worked out for them like a happily ever after in a book. Except…

It seemed living in the brightest sunshine cast a darker shadow over the one part that was not so perfect.

Despite the pleasure they shared in bed, Thea couldn’t help but wonder if she was doing something wrong, or if not wrong—for it seemed an easy thing—then not to Shay’s liking at least.

She’d seen him wince, or close his eyes, and not in the way that meant he was overwhelmed with desire. This was different. It looked as if she were causing him actual pain. She’d asked twice if everything was all right and he’d assured her it was. Actually, what he’d said was that he would be all right.

She remembered now that she didn’t know if he’d meant the distinction or something being all right or something that would be all right. Whatever it was, it was clear he didn’t wish to speak of it. And when it had happened, she made sure to note if she was touching him in the same place, but she hadn’t.

One time she had her hands rested on his back. Once they had been on his face. Once they hadn’t been touching him at all for her fingers were clenched in the pillow. And just this morning she’d had both hands on his buttocks. She’d been squeezing them rather hard so she expected that might have elicited a bit of pain, but he’d not complained until she’d just released him.

It seemed ungrateful for her to worry over this one small thing after having lived in so much turmoil; this thing seemed quite insignificant. But she found herself waiting and wondering when it might happen again so she might solve the mystery of what she was doing wrong.

She put her mind back to her book where it belonged and was into her third page for the day when she saw movement.

“Nay, stop,” Shay mumbled from his place on the settee. Since she’d been sleeping with him, she’d come to understand what Mrs. Murray had told her was most true. That her husband was haunted by thoughts from that life.

What horrors he must have seen that they’d embedded themselves so deeply to still hurt him all these years later.

“Wake up. Wake up, Sheamus. You must wake up,” he said more clearly than he ever had before.

She stood to go to him. She didn’t know if it helped that she woke him, but she couldn’t stand to see him so frightened when she had the power to put the end to his terrors.

“Wake up. Please, Sheamus,” he repeated the words she was likely going to say to him. At night she only picked out a few random words. Mostly moans. But she’d heard him mention Sheamus before.

She assumed there must have been another boy in his group that had the same name as he. When she’d asked once, he’d just shook his head and changed the subject.

Her curious nature had her devising an entire story about this other boy. She imagined he was likely lost since Shay hadn’t the interest to speak of him. Had Shay found the other boy already dead and attempted to rouse him to no avail?

Letting out a breath, she placed a hand on Shay’s arm and shook him slightly.

“Nay. Let us be.”

“Shay? Wake up. You’re having a bad dream. It’s Thea. Wake up.” With another hearty shake he opened his eyes.

“Shay?” he said, confused, until he blinked and looked around the room. “Thea.”

“Yes. I’m sorry. You were dreaming.”

He nodded and wiped a hand over his face.

“Perhaps if you talked about it. I think it is supposed to take the power from the specters if you speak of—”

“Nay. I can’t. I’m going to go for a ride.”

“Would you like me to join you?”

“Nay. You’ve work to do. I don’t want to keep you from it.” She knew that meant he’d rather be alone. She nodded and wished him a good ride then went back to her story. But she couldn’t help but think of the other Sheamus and how different things might have turned out for him.

*

Shay pulled Phantom to a stop on the rise looking down on the castle and the village. There was nothing around for miles but sheep. He felt as if he could scream his secrets and no one would hear. Would doing so free him from his guilt?

He didn’t know. What he did know was that the guilt seemed to be getting worse each day he didn’t tell Thea the truth. He’d felt the usual guilt at first as he’d felt when he was with Finn or Reese. Lying to people you respected and cared for was daunting. He often wished he could just tell them and be judged. Perhaps they would forgive him in time and he would be set free.

But this despair he felt with Thea was different and he could only think it was because he didn’t just care for Thea. He was beginning to feel love for her. Which was terrifying, for he didn’t deserve such a thing in return.

How could he love someone and lie to them about his very existence? The two things were at war with one another in his soul and his heart was a casualty.

She’d woken him after he’d been calling for Sheamus. Surely she must have questions. Any person would, but his wife was the curious type and she would take any small fact and create a story around it. What had she put together regarding this story?

He guessed she wasn’t even close to the truth, for it was scandalous indeed, and Thea seemed set on thinking the best of him. Even when she shouldn’t. If she knew all the things he kept from her, she would surely despise him. That didn’t mean he shouldn’t do it.

He’d planned to do it days ago, but each time she looked at him he wanted one more day of her looking at him like that. One more day that she thought of him as a good person. One more day that she didn’t know the horrible truth.

As if to compound his anxiety, there were actually two things he was keeping from her. One he hoped to resolve promptly so it would not cause an issue.

It left the other secret. Perhaps the biggest, and maybe that would be enough to assuage his guilt so he might find some peace and happiness with her.

He continued to ride until he came to the streets of Inverness. He rambled about as he sometimes did when he was thinking of the past. And like those other times, he wandered down an alley to a stable behind a brothel where he and other boys like him had spent their nights. Sometimes curling up to a horse to stay warm if the beast weren’t especially against it.

A life was lost here. And one taken that didn’t belong to him.

He’d never told anyone, but it was time. He couldn’t go on like this.

He returned home late, and was not surprised to find the dining room empty.

“Did she eat anything?” Shay asked Mrs. Murray.

“Aye. I had a tray taken to her rooms and then checked in to see that at least some portion of it was gone. She will not waste away, though I should warn you if she is with child she will need to take better care.”

A child.

Shay had not considered it, but they’d done nothing to prevent it. And Harrington and the auld marquess would want an heir to pass on the Flemming title someday. Shay had never planned to marry let alone have children, but perhaps the men that had so changed his life were turning things in his favor from beyond the grave.

In her rooms, he paused to watch Thea as he always did. After a few moments, he cleared his throat to get her attention.

“Oh, my. It’s late. Forgive my rudeness. When the words are flowing I feel as if I can’t stop or they may never return. It’s a silly fear as that has never happened, but still I don’t wish to risk it.”

He smiled and came in to place a kiss on her lips.

“I’ve just returned home. We’ve both missed dinner. Would you care to sit and have a drink before going to bed?”

She nodded. “That sounds wonderful. The spirits will help slow my mind so I might sleep rather than lay awake another night thinking over how to conclude this story.”

“I didn’t realize how much of yourself is given in such an endeavor. I can say a man on the docks doesn’t work as hard as you, Thea.”

“Well, it is growing to the end. In a few days—maybe a week, I’ll write the grandest words of all.”

He smiled at her, knowing what they must be. “The end.” She would have been done weeks before if not for his constant distractions. That was one of the few things he didn’t feel guilty about.

“Yes. It’s an amazing feeling when it’s finished.”

“And then seeing it become a book you can hold in your hand?” He could only imagine the sense of accomplishment at such a thing.

“Yes. That too. The whole process is a labor of love. It’s different this time though. It was always something I experienced on my own. I’d never shared it with anyone. The MacLains know enough of the business end of it, but not the more intimate pieces.”

“Is it sweeter being able to share it with another person?” he asked, hoping he had not ruined it for her.

“Yes. I think so. There is a certain amount of discomfort too.”

“How so?”

“You know a very big secret of mine. I’m…vulnerable. You’ve said you are an honorable man and will not speak of it with anyone, but in truth we don’t know each other all that well despite being married.”

“I guess you know me as well as any other person,” he admitted.

She tilted her head. “What do you mean by that?”

Leave it to Thea to ask more questions when he’d not wanted to say so much already. He’d made the decision that he needed to tell her the truth, but he hadn’t meant today. And certainly not right now. He knew one way to ensure she stopped asking questions he wasn’t ready to answer.

He smiled and leaned down to kiss her.

“I didn’t mean anything except that even when you think you know someone, they can still surprise you.”

He kissed her again and this time he picked her up to carry her off to the closest bed, which was actually the one in the marchioness’s bedchamber rather than his bigger bed.

As had become their habit, kissing escalated to the removal of clothes and the touching of bodies. He teased her with soft kisses along her ribs, touching her everywhere, but not the place she needed him most.

It was a game but she soon grew frustrated.

“Please. I need you, Shay,” she moaned into his ear and he stilled. Or rather froze solid as the word caught in his mind sending something icy and visceral through his veins. That now-familiar feeling of guilt and shame he’d not felt since he’d been a boy.

She must have felt his body tense for she pulled back to look up at him.

“Shay? What is it? Please tell me.”

“It is nothing,” he said, his voice cracking. He leaned closer to kiss her again, but she shook her head and pulled away.

“Please. Tell me.” Their desire cooled like a hot, iron rod being thrust into icy loch water. He half expected the room to be filled with steam. He might have laughed if he was capable of such a thing.

He tried to swallow back the lump that had lodged in his throat and couldn’t seem to speak past it. He was having difficulty even breathing past it.

It had been so long since hearing that name had caused this sort of reaction. All day he’d been thinking of how he would tell her and when, and it seemed it wasn’t for him to choose. He’d tried to remain pleasantly distracted. But he couldn’t bear hearing that name pass her lips when they were like this together. Each time it felt like a lash against his heart.

It was all a lie. One he’d taken on to survive. He didn’t care much that the rest of the world thought he was someone he wasn’t. But Thea… Lying to her felt like the gravest offense.

“I need to speak to you about something.” He found himself saying while a voice that sounded very much like his own screamed out for him to remain quiet. Telling her this truth could ruin everything between them. Could very well bring down every broken piece of his life. A life he’d cobbled together with mistruths and guilt.

He’d been lying to everyone for so long, it should have been easy to continue. He was long past worrying that someone would suspect the truth. People wanted to believe what was told to them. Even with rumors and accusations, like those Stephen had brought up, no one could prove anything different.

But in this, with his wife, he couldn’t do what was easy or expected. He needed to do what was right . Even if it ruined everything. And when he thought of her knowing, he found himself wanting to tell her. So that she’d know him . One person who would know who he really was.

“I…” He started but then paused. It was one thing to decide to tell someone and another to find the proper way to do so. He decided to do it the same way he did everything. Straight forward. “I am not the real Sheamus Buchanan.”

Thea gasped and he guessed he’d provided quite a twist in his own story.