Page 20 of The Lady and the Lion (Victorian Outcasts #9)

eighteen

V ivienne’s lessons with the dance master had always been enjoyable and she had awaited them with anticipation until that day. Especially since Mother was watching the class from a corner.

Vivienne’s feet had become clumsy all of a sudden.

Her legs couldn’t keep the tempo. Her mind was distracted.

No matter how hard she tried to focus on the steps, her thoughts drifted to Samuel and the kiss—the chaste, sweet kiss they’d shared in the quiet of her room.

If Mother knew about it, she would send Vivienne away and lock her up in the nearest, most hygienic convent she could find.

When Samuel had asked to kiss her, she’d thought he meant on the lips.

She shouldn’t have been disappointed, but she was.

The kiss had been nice; but she’d wanted more.

She’d been tempted to ask him to kiss her properly, but he’d looked so happy with the simple kiss, she hadn’t wanted to overwhelm him.

If Captain Jackson knew about their innocent kiss, he would be disappointed.

In a way, she was disappointed in herself.

All her intentions of keeping Samuel safe had vanished the moment he’d kissed her cheek.

But after he’d talked about regrets and being beneath her, she couldn’t have ignored his request.

“With the left foot, Lady Vivienne,” the master said.

She corrected the step but was out of time, and she made another mistake during the quick gallop; she tripped and almost fell on her face. To steady herself, she stumbled and tottered like a newborn calf.

Mother frowned. “Walker, please, I need a word with my daughter.”

“My lady.” The master bowed and left the piano.

“What’s happening with you? You’re stumbling all over the place,” Mother asked. “Are you unwell?”

Vivienne caught her breath, leaning against the wall. “No. I’m fine. I’m a little tired.”

“Anne told me you didn’t let her help you undress last night.”

Never a moment of peace.

“You’re too often tired as of late, and distracted. You spent too much time outside.”

She wiped the sweat from her forehead with a cloth.

“Are you warm? Do you have a fever?” Mother asked.

“No. Nothing is wrong.”

“You look pale.” Mother touched her forehead and neck. “I’m worried. Maybe you’re too busy. The dinner party was exhausting. Your eyes are dark with fatigue. You need rest. I’ll tell Walker the lesson ends here today. Go to your room and lie down.” Mother left the room.

She thumped the wall behind her. Yes, the past few months had been challenging and tiring, and fewer engagements would give her more time to spend with Samuel. Their secret meetings couldn’t go on forever.

Also, if a suitor wanted to court her, she wouldn’t be able to see Samuel.

The thought crushed her chest.

Vivienne went up the stairs. Tired or not, she ought to be more careful, or Mother would have another fit and forbid her to go out.

“Is something the matter? I thought you had dance lessons.” Father stopped her in the corridor, lowering his glasses.

“I’m just a bit tired. I’m going to my room.”

“Did your mother order you to?”

“Yes, I mean, no. I do feel a little out of sorts.”

He narrowed his eyes so similar to hers. “Don’t let your mother influence you. She sees diseases everywhere.” He kissed her cheek. “Do you want me to talk to her?”

“No, it’s fine. I’ll lie down for a while.”

When she entered her bedroom, she gazed at the window. A faint trace of bergamot lingered in the air, as did her doubts.

She lay in the bed face down. If her future had been decided and she’d accepted her fate, why did it hurt so much?

That afternoon, after Vivienne rested and got ready to leave for the usual walk with Dobkins—ostensibly to go to the library—she found her mother at the base of the stairs, waiting for her.

In her black gown and under the dim lights of the hallway, Mother looked particularly gloomy.

“Is something the matter?” Vivienne asked, exchanging a glance with Dobkins.

“You aren’t going anywhere today.” Mother stretched out an arm towards the stairs. “You’ll stay in your room and rest until you regain some colour.”

“I’m full of energy. I just needed some rest.”

Mother searched her face. “You’ve been busy all morning. Going out would be too much.”

She wanted to see Samuel and tell him she’d enjoyed the kiss. She’d come to the conclusion she wanted a proper kiss. “I need a breath of fresh air.”

“No.” Mother’s hands trembled. “You’ll stay home until you’re better.”

“I want to go out.”

“Not today. Please.” Mother shook.

Not again . “I’m fine.”

“It’s too freezing today. There’s frost everywhere. You might slip or catch a cold. And you look pale. You were not well during your dance lesson.”

A comment on how she didn’t have any symptoms of scarlet fever or anything else died a quick death in her mouth as Dobkins gave her the slightest nod.

Mother shivered and blinked a few times. “Please.” Her broken voice hurt.

“I’ll stay home,” Vivienne said through clenched teeth. “Don’t worry.”

The last words were useless. Mother worried more frequently than she needed to breathe.

“Good. Good.” Mother gripped her inseparable silver box.

“I’ll do a few errands,” Dobkins said. “Do you need anything, my lady?”

Mother touched Vivienne’s wrist, checking her pulse. “Go to Harris’s and buy a few vials of the primrose tonic to strengthen the blood.”

Vivienne suppressed a sigh. That potion was a nostrum. But at least Mother hadn’t sent for the physician.

Dobkins curtsied and left.

A weight pressed against Vivienne’s chest when she went upstairs. She didn’t want Mother to suffer from yet another crisis, but she didn’t want to renounce her secret time with Samuel either.

She shut the door and removed her hat. The hatpin clinked against the floor.

From the moment she’d seen how strong and determined he was to get his life back, she’d found all the rules of her life useless and burdensome.

Years ago, she’d looked forward to getting married.

Marriage was the beginning of her life as the lady of the house, which meant having all the power.

But as Mother had kept postponing her Season, she wondered if she could spend the rest of her life next to someone she didn’t love, or worse, she didn’t respect.

She could share a marriage with a gentleman who was her friend, but not with someone she had a low opinion of. She respected Samuel, and they were friends. He inspired her to fight for what she wanted.

She paced, hoping Samuel would understand and that he wouldn’t think her absence had to do with their kiss.

The tree next to her window swayed its branches slowly in a sad dance. She sat on the stuffed seat next to the bay window.

Samuel had shown her that her life was more complicated than she thought.

Dusk was painting the sunset in dark tones when Dobkins returned. Vivienne shot up to her feet from the seat.

“Did you see him?”

“Yes. He was sorry not to see you. He gave me this for you.” Dobkins handed her a folded piece of paper.

“Thank you.” She waited for Dobkins to leave before opening the message.

His handwriting was all sharp angles and strong strokes. The message only said, ‘ Leave the window open, please .’

She smiled for the first time that day.