Page 11 of The Healer and the Wolf, Part One

11

LEO

I felt like a fool.

A failure.

An idiot.

Being human again was a complete shock to my system. It had come out of nowhere because I wasn’t even aware that I could be human. But I could, and ever since, I’d been so blinded by all the wonderful sensations that came from having thumbs, furless skin, and human tastebuds again that no negative thoughts could really reach me. I was almost a child again, seeing the world in brand new wonder.

Reading the books I’d found in Ven’s home had done something to my mind. I was now more Leo than ever, but that just made me much more acutely aware of everything I had lost.

I’d had family. People I loved. Responsibilities. Important ones. Where were my people, and why wasn’t I protecting them? I was pretty sure I had been cursed, yet I had no memory of being cursed or even who would want to do that to me. So, why did I believe that?

It was a growing tumult in my head. As I stood in front of the shower in Ven’s bathroom, I realized my brain was still little more than wolfy sludge. I was missing entire chunks of what it meant to be a man.

What if I never got it back?

That sounded like pure torture. I didn’t want to live some sort of half-life where I wasn’t quite man and not quite a wolf, either. As I stood in the bathroom, though, staring at the shower, knowing it was an important room and an equally important task, part of me just didn’t want to comply.

In fact, that part of me was outright refusing. It was as if my mind was balking at processing any more of my humanity and wanted to force me to fall back into the simplicity of the wolf.

“It’s okay. I’ve got you.”

Ven’s voice called me back to reality, and despite the furor whirling inside me, I followed it. Her tone was gentle, with no derision or condescension. She didn’t judge me for panicking. My hands, although almost foreign to me, were deadly weapons that could rip and tear, but she held them gingerly, as if I were something precious, something valuable.

Her touch was a lighthouse in the dark, beckoning me to safety. But there was something more to it. An electric current that made me want to lean in, wrap myself up in her, and know everything about her—her soul, her past, that gorgeous body of hers. She was kindness just as much as desire, appealing to the wild and the man in me.

Even if I still couldn’t really remember who that man was.

“Here, just step into the tub for now. That’s all you have to do. It’ll be so easy, I promise.”

Step into the tub. Right, I could do that. The faintest memories of battles played out in my head, all much more fraught than just standing in a white, oblong bowl. I’d been through worse and most likely would go through worse again.

So, with my hand in hers, I stepped into the tub.

“There you are. That’s not so bad, huh?”

I nodded, humiliation burning through me, but at the same time, Ven’s presence calmed me. When she beamed at me, I was truly proud of myself. Like I really had done something worth celebrating.

“Are you wearing underwear?” she asked out of nowhere, and I realized that I had been staring at her, once again.

“Underwear?” I frowned, though the term sounded familiar.

I felt like I’d answered wrong because she took a deep breath, and her smile faded. “Are you okay with being nude in front of me? For the shower?”

Nude? Wait, I did know that one. Without clothing. I shrugged. What did clothing or nudity matter? I was the same in or out of clothes.

“I don’t care.”

“Okay, then, why don’t we get you out of that shirt first? Or at least what’s left of it, and then your shorts. But if you’re uncomfortable at any moment, you tell me, okay?”

“Of course.”

I could hardly imagine being uncomfortable in Ven’s presence. She was like a dampener to all things awful, a soothing poultice like the ones she’d put on my side when I’d been so injured. I was stressed. I was upset. I was mourning . But she made it so much more manageable.

“Okay, then, here we go.”

It turned out to be not that much work to get the tattered fabric off me. Once Ven reached out to the long strings connecting the largest chunks of it, it basically crumbled at her touch, falling into the tub.

“I would say we should burn that, but I’m not sure there are any pathogens in it,” she said with a slight laugh. I didn’t get the joke, but I was happier that she was smiling. “Now, these shorts are a little more substantial. Do you think you can just slide them down your legs?”

I could do that, and I did. It seemed that even some things could still be simple even as a human.

But what was interesting was how Ven’s eyes were sort of sliding around me, not particularly looking at me, almost as if she were trying to avoid actually seeing me. Her face was growing redder by the second. And was I hearing her heartbeat picking up?

That was puzzling, but I didn’t have much time to think about it, because then she was reaching behind me.

“I’m going to turn the showerhead on and point it to your feet. It’s going to be a bit nippy at first, but it’ll warm up pretty fast. Tell me if it gets too warm though, all right?”

Water at my feet?

An image of the metal basin in her kitchen downstairs came to my mind. Specifically how she’d turned a knob that had water pouring out. Was this going to be like that? I didn’t know if I would like that.

“Are you ready?”

Ven’s earthen eyes met mine, a soft smile around those plush lips of hers, and I felt myself relax ever so slightly. “Yes,” I said, even though I was very much not ready .

When she reached behind me again, I could have sworn there was a creature rumbling from within the walls. I jolted, but Ven’s soft hand on my shoulder stilled me.

“It’s okay, I’m right here. I promise.”

She was. She was right next to me. Ven had saved me from the two bears who had attacked me and risked her life to treat me. She let me stay protected in her clear house and then, when I transformed out of nowhere, she fed me and gave me a place to lay my confused head. She was kind, and she was brave; she wouldn’t let any harm come to me.

But why had I transformed? What had broken my curse when its hold had been so tight around me that I couldn’t so much as recall my own name?

I didn’t know, and the answer didn’t come before freezing cold water suddenly sprayed at my feet. I didn’t hate it as much as I thought I would. Was it pleasant? No. But it reminded me of times I spent standing in icy rivers, hunting for fish.

“There you go. You’re doing great.”

Ven’s voice continued to guide me through any dark thoughts, panic, or animal instincts that came over me. Just like she said, the water did grow warmer. Then warmer. Until it was finally hot .

And it felt incredible .

I couldn’t believe the sensation of it as it licked across my feet and toes, the water turning black before disappearing down the drain. I wanted to melt into it, to soak myself from head to toe. Suddenly, I was no longer dreading whatever was happening in the tub, but wanting more.

“There we go. I’m going to hand you the showerhead now. I want you to get your whole body wet, especially your hair, okay? And if you want to just stand under it for a bit, you can turn around and put it in the holder just above your head. I’m going to sit over here, but I won’t leave.”

I nodded, taking the showerhead from her. She was still only half-looking at me, but I didn’t mind.

Once I had a solid grip on the thing, I slowly moved it up my legs, then my middle, then my chest, and finally over my head. And, oh , if that wasn’t an experience and a half. Rivulets of hot water poured down me, taking dirt and grit with it. It was like my skin was renewing itself in real time, shucking off bits of the wolf that were still clinging to me, allowing me to be Leo.

Steam filled the room, almost like the same steam that had yanked me from the animal prison I’d been locked in. But this was much more welcome, and it enveloped me with a warmth and comfort that made the water seem that much headier.

Belatedly, I remembered what Ven said about the holder, and turned around to hang the showerhead into it so I could stand and become boneless under the jet of hot water. I felt my muscles unknitting themselves bit by bit—I hadn’t realized there was that much tension in my frame.

I couldn’t say how long it was before Ven spoke again, but when she did, her voice was right beside me.

“It’s nice, isn’t it?”

I nodded, not quite able to answer. I felt like I was reconnecting to the humanity that had been ripped from me, and I was afraid that looking at Ven would be even more visceral than it had been before.

God, I really owed her everything, didn’t I? I swore on all the ancestors I couldn’t remember that I would make sure no harm ever befell her or her cats ever again.

“Now that you’re nice and wet, let’s introduce soap, okay?

Soap?

Ven reached in front of me and picked up strange ball of bright-blue netting and a bottle. Once she popped open the lid, the smell of lavender, jasmine, and something else I couldn’t quite name filled the heated air. It was intoxicating , and all of my senses were fully enveloped by Ven and her shower.

“So, this is a loofah. You put some of the bodywash in this, then lather it all up like so.” She did a little demonstration as she spoke, which didn’t seem so complicated, but it made the smell that much more pungent. “I’ll go ahead and scrub your back, if that’s okay, then you handle the front? Unless you want to try doing it all on your own?”

“No,” I said quickly, eyes still closed. I wanted her close to me. I wanted her to keep on filling my senses. “Not on my own.”

“Okay. I’m going to press it to your back now.”

“All right.”

She pressed that brightly-colored ball of netting at the center of my back, and goosebumps spread at the sensation. I was suddenly acutely aware of how close Ven was. Her breath whispered over my wet skin as she guided the netting down my spine.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. When had I last been touched like this? The slow, tender stroke of it was enough to make my legs go out from under me, and I barely caught myself.

“Are you okay? Do you need me to stop?”

Oh, God, no, I never wanted her to stop. I wanted to stay under the hot spray forever with her touching me, the rasp of the loofah the perfect counterpoint to Ven’s sweet touch.

Was I in Heaven? Quite possibly. That was the only thought that kept returning to me as the netting thoroughly moved over every part of my back, across my shoulders, down my backside, then finally the back of my legs. I was discovering more things about myself with every pass of the loofah: like that the back of my knees were ticklish, and also that I very much wanted to yank Ven into the water with me and see what she looked like when she was drenched from head to toe. Most importantly, I wanted to kiss her as hard as I could.

I didn’t do that, though, no matter how much a part of me yearned for it. Vanessa was incredibly beautiful, but she was so much more than that as well. She’d dragged me out of the depths of my prison with the sheer force of her kindness, and I would never forget that. Even if I wanted her more than anything, I knew better.

I closed my eyes and let her scrub me, banishing away the dirt and grime that was evidence of the horrors I’d been through.

“There you are,” Ven said eventually, her voice like music. “Now, I want you to rinse this out as thoroughly as you can, then put in more bodywash and take care of your front, okay? Then, once you’re all suds-ed up, we’ll rinse you off.”

I nodded, completely unable to speak, and went about doing that. Although my own touch wasn’t nearly as magical as hers, it was still a revelation. With every new area of skin cleaned, I felt less trapped, less animalistic. I was becoming more and more of a man.

The filth that had been caked into my very soul was falling away, the scent of Ven now so deeply encoded into my olfactory organs I knew I’d never forget it. Even when she was gone, she’d be with me in a way, and that made everything so much less daunting.

“Fantastic,” she said once I was done, which was much too soon. “Now let’s rinse you off, shall we? Take the showerhead and get all the suds and soap off.”

I did as she directed and, once more, I got lost in the feeling of refreshment and rebirth. Although there were many amazing things about being a wolf, I didn’t know if any of them could compare to a hot shower.

When I looked down at my body, I felt like I was truly seeing me for the first time in… who knew? It was intense but welcomed, and I stood under the water for a good long while just taking it in.

“I’m not sure how much hot water is left, but would you like me to help you wash your hair and shave? It might be nice to get rid of some of that scruff.”

If either of those things were as nice as getting clean, I couldn’t think of a single reason to say no.

“Yes, please.”

“All right, then, let me get some things. Do me a favor and rinse the bottom of the tub to make sure there’s no more junk in it, then have a seat in the middle.”

Sit in the tub? That seemed a bit strange, but I complied. I wanted anything that Ven would give me. I trusted her implicitly. More than myself.

I was so relaxed I could fall asleep. My body was a bit clunky and slow to respond as I tried to sit. I made it eventually, however, and Ven returned to my side.

“Here. Put this in your lap, please,” she said, handing me a medium-sized square of cloth. My mind belatedly told me it was a towel, and I placed it in my lap to cover my crotch. It took a beat, but I realized that Ven was likely embarrassed over my nudity. That explained why she wasn’t looking at me directly. I’d forgotten humans weren’t as comfortable with nudity as shifters.

Remembering that only made me wonder what it would be like to see Ven in the nude, her beautiful, toned skin dripping from her shower, cheeks flushed. I was very grateful for the towel when I felt my body respond to that mental image, and I had to chase those thoughts off before my cock could fully stand at attention. The last thing I wanted was for Ven to feel disrespected when she was trying to help me.

“I’m gonna sit behind you now,” Ven said, bending over to roll up her pant legs high above her knees. I tried not to stare at her calves. I’d never seen her without pants. It seemed like a very Victorian thing to be affected by it, but I couldn’t help it.

My eyes were glued to the elegant taper of her muscled calves, and I longed to see how they blended into those thick thighs of hers. What would they feel like wrapped around me? My heart rate accelerated at the thought.

I really needed to get those feelings under control, because I could sense the wilder side of me, the wolf I’d only recently escaped, stirring within me. I didn’t want that at all. I’d just found Leo again. I didn’t want to be any less of him.

So, I focused on breathing in deeply through my nose and then out through my mouth while Ven sat behind me. I was all too aware of her presence, especially with her bare feet on either side of my legs.

“Scoot toward me an inch or two.”

I did, hardly daring to speak.

“I’m gonna wash your hair first and then I want you to lean back, so I can shave you. I’ve only ever done my own body hair, but how different can it be?”

I nodded, tongue still heavy in my mouth. It felt like I was about to reach a new level of metamorphosis, and it scared me as much as I wanted it.

“Time to lather you up with some shampoo.”

She said it in a sing-song way, like it was the simplest thing, but to me it wasn’t. She reached to the side and grabbed another bottle, then squeezed some liquid into her hand that smelled like roses and vanilla. Yet another thing to add to the many things flooding my nose, but I welcomed it.

Then she was putting it in my hair. Her fingers moved across my scalp in concentrated circles, scrubbing gently, almost like how she’d cleaned my back.

I wasn’t prepared for how damn good it felt. All sliding sensation and thick, honeyed relaxation pouring over me. It was inescapable, but I didn’t want to run. I wanted to be fully enveloped in it, drowned it in, until it washed away the last of the confusion clouding my mind.

While she cleansed my scalp, I drifted off into some completely magical place. Again, I wouldn’t have minded if this moment went on forever, but all good things had to come to an end.

“Time to rinse. Close your eyes until I tell you to open them, okay? This stuff burns like hell if you get it into your eyes.”

“Okay.”

Standing, she took the showerhead and poured heated water down my chest and lap. She fiddled with it and then the spray of water became narrower and stronger. I barely remembered that she’d told me to close my eyes and slammed them shut right as the suds began to pour down my forehead. It was pure bliss—there was no other word for it—and I succumbed to the loveliness of it all.

Time meant nothing while Ven tended to me, every caress more soothing than I ever imagined it could be. It was connection in its purest form, and something I had been missing for so long. It was beautiful, poignant, and so completely raw that I was sure if my eyes weren’t closed, I would have been crying.

Ven went through multiple steps, including conditioner and some other things, before she softly told me to tilt my head back.

I didn’t think it was possible, but every cell in my body was even more attuned to Ven’s everything as her thighs bracketed my shoulders. The way they gave under the pressure of my arms was intoxicating, and I could feel the soft cushion of her curves, and strong, resilient bands of muscle underneath. She was strong. Shifter strong. Our pups would be?—

Whoa.

Whoa.

I cut that line of thinking off. Ven was helping me. Getting carried away with fantasies of breeding her wouldn’t do either of us any good, even if she was a siren beckoning me to worship every aspect of her. I could control myself.

“Be very still for me, okay? I don’t want to nick you.”

I didn’t have the wherewithal to tell her it would heal before the blood could even get down my chin, too enraptured as she lathered my beard. Another floral fragrance. So many scents, and yet hers dominated them all, turning the wellspring of smells into a bouquet that emphasized her and only her.

Was this what being human was all about? The excitement, the sensations, the connection? It seemed like it. How had I lived so long without them? How would I survive if it was taken away from me again?

“There you are. All done.”

I blinked. I’d been so lost in her touch I hadn’t realized enough time had passed for her to have dragged the thing in her hand across my face multiple times.

“You wanna feel?”

I cupped my chin, fingers barely brushing over Ven’s as she released me. Sure enough, my thick beard was gone, leaving behind smooth skin that felt incredibly foreign.

“You’re all good to rinse off. The clothes are on the toilet. I’m going to go change in my room, okay?”

I nodded, and Ven extricated herself from me, then left the room. After rinsing myself off once last time, I stepped out of the tub.

It really was over.

I felt rattled, and yet so much more human. The creature was still me, but so much of it had been rinsed away, purged in that glorious spray of hot water and fine soaps.

I stood, rubbing my hands over my body and my smooth face before I remembered the clothes Ven had mentioned. There was a larger square of cloth on top of them—another towel.

She really was so thoughtful.

Touched yet again, I dried myself off as best I could. I had just managed to put on the pants—they were a bit tight—when Ven entered again.

“Wow, look at you,” she said, bright smile on her face. “You clean up nice.”

“I can’t look at myself,” I murmured absently as I pulled the shirt over my head. The top part was going to get wet from my hair, but I didn’t really care. It would dry eventually.

“Oh, right. Here, let me fix that.”

Ven opened the cabinet under the sink and pulled something from the depths that I couldn’t identify. She connected it to the wall, then turned it on.

I flinched at the awful sound coming from the thing. Ven gave me an apologetic smile before turning it toward the foggy window right above the sink. I watched, curious as the thick steam over it dissipated. Instead of showing the world outside, Ven was reflected in it.

Wait! I knew what it was. A mirror. My great aunt used to call it a looking glass because she was an old-fashioned Southern shifter.

“Why don’t you take a look?” Ven asked, stepping out of the way.

My gut clenched in anticipation. In the back of my mind, I wondered if it was a bad idea. Yet I stepped forward anyway to see the man I had come to be.

Well, shit.

I locked eyes with myself, and for the first time in what could have been years…

I saw Leo.

I saw me. The human. The shifter.

The alpha.

And like a dam had suddenly burst, so much came rushing back to me.