Page 74 of The Forsaken (Echoes from the Past #4)
SIXTY-THREE
Berwick-Upon-Tweed, Northumberland
Kate kneeled on the prie-dieu, her hands clasped in front of her.
Over the past few months, her prayers had become more fervent, more desperate.
She’d never imagined that a moment of weakness would tear her soul asunder, but reality had set in very quickly after that Christmas night.
She spent nearly every waking moment torn between duty and love, and consumed with guilt for turning her back on her faith.
She’d gone to church several times since Christmas, determined to confess her sin, but when she entered the confessional, the words simply wouldn’t come.
They stuck in her throat, mainly because she couldn’t lie to God any more than she could lie to herself.
She’d tried to keep away from Guy, to erase the memory of his lovemaking from her heart, but when night came, she waited for Hugh to fall asleep and then stealthily left their bedchamber, climbing the stairs in complete darkness, her bare feet stinging with cold, as she hurried to her lover’s room.
Guy was always there, waiting for her. He caught her in his embrace and covered her face with kisses, his hands exploring her body in ways that had grown even more intimate since that first night.
He knew every inch of her, and made a study of what merely pleased her and what set her alight, playing her the way a skilled musician played his instrument.
Her body never felt as alive as when he touched it, and her heart had never been as full.
But then morning came, and with it, self-recrimination and shame.
She was a sinner, an adulteress, and a liar.
She had dishonored her husband and herself, and besmirched her wedding vows.
Guy sympathized with her struggle, but although he did share some measure of guilt, his sin wasn’t nearly as terrible as hers.
Guy wasn’t married. He hadn’t promised to love, honor, and obey in front of God.
Men took lovers all the time, but women were taught to be pure and obedient, their only duty to please their husbands and bear children.
And now God had seen fit to fill her womb at last, blessing her with the miracle she’d prayed for rather than punishing her for her transgression.
This morning, she didn’t beg for forgiveness.
This morning, she thanked the Lord and praised his name, but her soul was torn.
The child in her belly was not her husband’s; Hugh hadn’t touched her in months.
It was a life created during an act of love and devotion, a life that had never been meant to be. What was she to do?
The answer came to her like a whisper on the wind, simple and devious.
She had to protect her baby at any cost. Hugh need never know.
He’d been drunk on Christmas. He wouldn’t remember if he lay with her or not.
The idea made her cringe with shame, but what choice did she have?
The baby was more important than any of them.
It was innocent of any wrongdoing and she’d rather die than allow Hugh to cast doubt on its parentage.
Kate rested her forehead on her clasped hands.
She longed to share the news with Guy, but couldn’t bring herself to tell him just yet.
To rejoice in their infidelity and the result of their sin seemed wrong, even if the outcome of their affair seemed to be sanctioned by heaven itself.
Kate’s hand went to her belly. It was still flat, but she hadn’t bled since before Christmas.
Her breasts were tender and swollen, and her belly had grown firm, as if her body had donned armor to protect the babe within.
Normally, Hugh would notice these changes, but their relationship had changed since the day he hurt her.
He seemed content to let her be, and Kate was grateful for the respite.
She wasn’t na?ve enough to believe Hugh was celibate, but if he chose to lie with someone else, she didn’t care, as long as he did nothing to endanger her babe.
Kate crossed herself and got to her feet.
She was expected in the kitchen. Joan needed help, and there was solace to be found in hard work.
There was bread to bake, fowl to pluck, pies to make, and laundry to do.
Kate didn’t volunteer to do the laundry, on account of the babe, but she gladly undertook the other tasks.
Keeping busy allowed her to avoid both Hugh and Guy in the mornings, which made things easier.
They were often out on the estate in the afternoon and liked to practice swordplay in the bailey after dinner.
Kate only spent time in their company after sunset.
They ate supper, then retired to the Lady chamber where Kate and Eleanor sewed or read and Hugh and Guy played dice or shared the latest news.
As long as Kate remained aloof and kept her eyes on the sewing she could barely see, she was safe.