Page 22 of The Disasters of Dating (Love Connections #6)

KEATON

Don’t be thrown by ‘unexpected’ events.

Learn Chinese: 爱 — ài — Love

I’m not sure what to think as I stare at my phone. I mean, I’m not a believer in this whole horoscope thing. But I have to admit, the description of a Capricorn is eerily correct. Even if Poppy didn’t look too happy to know it was my sign.

I twist my mouth to the side. Why wasn’t she happy when she discovered it?

She seemed to rally quickly enough, and it didn’t ruin the rest of the night. And hey, there was no maiming or other accidents. So I’m considering the night a success.

I want to text her, but I only left her an hour ago.

And everyone knows that it’s against etiquette to text that soon after the completion of a date.

Outing? Hang out? I’m not sure what to call what we’re doing.

Are the rules different when it’s not a date?

I know she didn’t consider it a date because she made it quite clear to the server and the couple who stopped by our table to tell us we looked ‘cute together,’ that it wasn’t a date.

‘We’re just friends.’ How many times had she used that word tonight?

Ugh, the nail in any romantic coffin. The dreaded friend moniker.

I grab my phone and pull up our text conversation. But then I put my phone face down on the table and push it away from me. No, I don’t think even friends text an hour after they left each other. I sigh .

But then I grin. I will text her as the Wrong Number Guy. It’s been a few days since he texted her.

So, has the jury come back yet?

I tap my finger on the desktop. It’s not terribly late. But it is likely past appropriate texting time. Which is probably why there are no dancing dots to show she is replying.

Hmm. I move over to the bed and grab the remote, turning it on in a huff. My leg bounces as I scroll through the channel guide. I glance over, hoping against hope that she responds. I let out a gasp and pluck my phone back up when I see those wonderful dancing dots.

Poppy

They have found in your favor on a trial basis. But one wrong text and you’re cut off forever.

I can’t help the smile that grows across my face. Her face is fresh in my mind from dinner, making it all the easier to remember what she looks like as she is saying that.

I’ll take it!

But I’ve been thinking, and I think there need to be some ground rules. For both of our safety.

Poppy

Okay. I’ve gotten a lot of rules tonight. But I guess I can abide by a few more. What do you have in mind?

Ah, maybe I should have waited a few days before springing these rules on her. Although I think they’re necessary for her to feel comfortable with me. So in reality, I had little choice, unless I waited to text her. Which really isn’t a choice…

Rule one: No personal, identifying information. In fact, I think we shouldn’t even use real names.

Poppy

So you want to continue as Wrong Number Guy?

That or…

I pause. What name should I give her?

Or you could call me Lincoln.

Poppy

Lincoln? As in the car?

I chuckle.

That is your first thought? Not the president?

Poppy

Okay, that too.

But I should have known it would be that way. You’re very perceptive. It’s a fact I try to keep on the DL, but the car was named after me.

Poppy

Then my cousins were right? You’re a hundred years old?

My stomach is all kinds of jumpy and twisty. It’s like my muscles are hooked up to an electrical charge.

Actually, one hundred and three years old. But who’s counting?

Poppy

Ah, a true silver fox, huh?

More like a Silver Zephyr…

Poppy

***

That was one of the early Lincoln models.

Poppy

Ah. I suppose it’s natural that you know that. Seeing as the car was named after you.

So what do I call you?

Poppy

How about Alice? You already know that’s my Grandma’s name.

Alice and Lincoln. That sounds like a power couple if ever I heard one.

Poppy

Or just two old people. We’re a couple now? Wow! That was fast.

A couple of…friends. Were you thinking I meant we were dating? I’m not sure I want to move that fast, Alice.

Poppy

You’re putting words in my text.

Sorry, not sorry. Now for rule two.

Poppy

There’s another rule? What else is there if we aren’t sharing personal info?

I was just going to say that either of us can terminate the conversation without any explanation.

Poppy

No explanation? That feels a little harsh.

I thought you would appreciate it. You know, with the jury being undecided and all.

Poppy

True. I forgot about the jury.

I can’t imagine they are pleased about that.

Poppy

They’ll get over it. Most imaginary people do.

I laugh and lay down on the bed, folding the pillow over to support my head and neck.

So tell me something not personal about yourself.

Poppy

…

…

…

Finally…

Poppy

I don’t know what to tell you that doesn’t qualify as personal.

Maybe it’s better if we classify it as non-identifying.

Meaning it’s not something I would know you by sight if I saw you in a crowd.

Or something that can’t access online information about you.

That type of thing. So, no mother’s maiden name or name of your first pet or elementary school. That kind of thing. Capiche?

I realize I’ve already broken that rule by giving her the name Lincoln. But she doesn’t know it’s my mom’s maiden name.

Poppy

Are you the Godfather?

I’m sorry, I can’t answer that question as it is definitely personal information. Please don’t make me put you in timeout for rulebreaking.

Poppy

Man, you’re harsh.

Poppy

Okay. My horoscope told me I need to step out of my comfort zone. So hello, not my comfort zone.

Wow. There is a lot to digest in those two sentences. I’m not sure where to start.

Poppy

Maybe you could start with something about yourself.

No. We’re talking about you right now. My mom always said a good conversation is about the other person, not yourself.

Poppy

I think I might like your mom. But I also think a good conversation is about both people equally.

Perhaps. But I asked first, so we’ll resolve the Alice questions first, then move on to the Lincoln questions.

Poppy

Fine. *blows bangs out of eyes.

Gah! You gave me a personal identifier. You have bangs.

Poppy

But do I??? Anyway, even if I do have bangs, are you going to know my bangs out of, like, hundreds of other girls with them? I think not. So cool your jets!

Fine. But no other distinguishing features!

Back to the horoscope…

Poppy

(GIF of Steven Colbert tapping his pen on the desktop.) What about it???

When did you get into them?

It’s radio silence for several minutes, and I wonder if I’ve offended her. From what little I know of her, she takes horoscopes very seriously.

Poppy

I started reading them when I was about nine.

Nine? That’s pretty early to start into astrology, isn’t it? But then I pause. Wait. Wasn’t that how old she was when her dad died? Hmm. This line of questioning just got more interesting.

That’s pretty young. Did you even understand them?

Poppy

Mostly. Some things went over my head. But they still helped me navigate life. I mean, between astrology and crystals, I managed pretty well.

Crystals? I’ve noticed she’s worn one every time I’ve seen her. I thought they were pretty stones. But it seems like there is more to them than looks.

What do crystals do? I’m not well-versed in those kinds of things.

Poppy

They keep me grounded and open. Sometimes they just bring calm to my life. Like right now, Mercury is totally out of whack and it’s messing with my Cancer Moon. But my amethyst necklace helps keep me calm and counteracts Mercury’s whirling dervish.

I lick my lips. Okay. She is way more into this stuff than I originally thought. It’s a little weird. Too weird? I’m not sure yet. I mean, I keep all my fortunes from my fortune cookies, so who am I to judge?

Poppy

Okay. It’s your turn. Tell me something about you.

My mom died during my senior year of college. It was the first and only D I’ve ever gotten. I worry it will haunt me for the rest of my life.

I’m not sure why that’s the first thing I tell her. Maybe I went deep to scare her off so that I don’t have to be the one to do it? I’m not going to lie, I’m not sure I can do the crystal thing. Horoscopes are weird enough on their own.

Poppy

Which one?

Which one what?

Poppy

Which one will haunt you? I’m guessing you’ll feel your mom’s death way longer than a D.

I swallow hard. I should have realized she would understand better than most. Perhaps even better than I do. Does her astrology and crystals give her more insight than most? Maybe I’ll have to get myself a stone or two and start reading my horoscope.

Yeah, I think you’re right.

Poppy

Here’s the thing. If an employer can’t look at the rest of your grades and spot an anomaly, then you’re probably too smart to work for them.

I stare at my phone, a cold sweat breaking out all over my skin.

I’m not sure what I expected to get out of this texting relationship, but it wasn’t this.

Who expects to get therapy from a virtual stranger?

(In two ways…) Should I send her some money for services rendered because I haven’t felt this seen in years?

Poppy

Are you there, or are you exercising your right to terminate the texts?

No. I was just thinking.

Poppy

Good thinking or bad thinking?

I smile at her reference to my “good weird or bad weird” from the other day.

Totally good thinking.

Poppy

(GIF of a minion in a crown dropping a mic.) Then I probably should say goodbye before I ruin a good thing. Yanno, leave on a high note.

If you must go…

Poppy

The jury is still deliberating, but I think I’ll be back.

(GIF of Napoleon Dynamite saying yesss.)

Poppy hearts the gif. There are no more dancing dots. Which makes me sad? Or maybe just lonely. But either way, I think I need to investigate things more. I’m not so sure the crystals and astrology are the non-starters I thought they might be.