T WO C AMILLE

Memories play on a loop in my head like the flashes of lightning striking across the dark sky as we speed toward Seattle.

The cold throne room with crimson walls and marble floors.

My best friend, bloodied and bruised.

Lucia’s hand around my throat.

Xander shoving an obsidian dagger through her heart.

Flames burn between my ribs, and I wince at the sensation of heartburn that blossomed in my chest when the queen of hell turned to ash. It was slowly fading…until my thoughts tumbled back to the scene we left in Portland.

By the time we arrive at headquarters nearly three hours later, news of Lucia’s demise has swept through the organization. I don’t know if it was one of the demon hunters who’d fought with us—the twins, Rylee, or Sophia—who filled them in. It doesn’t matter. Everyone knows Xander is…That he…

“Cami.” Harper’s voice pulls me back from the edge of a downward spiral, and I blink until I can focus on her face. “Come on,” she murmurs.

We follow Noah from the parking garage into the building, and I frown when Harper nudges me to get in the elevator.

This is the last place I want to be. I’d like nothing more than to go home, crawl under the blankets in my bed, and pretend today didn’t happen. The urge to curl in on myself, to hide from reality, is strong. My stomach is queasy, and I briefly consider the chances of throwing up as I grit my teeth against the bile rising in my throat.

I stand in the corner, gripping the handrail so tightly the cool metal digs into my palms as we ascend to the office level in silence. The buzz of multiple voices slams into me as the elevator door slides open, and I immediately press against the wall, unable to draw in a full breath.

Noah steps off first, casting a look over his shoulder. His tired blue-gray eyes connect with mine, and I clench my jaw as I struggle not to cry. He shakes his head and offers in a gruff voice, “You can’t fall apart yet.”

I bite the inside of my cheek, willing the burning in my eyes to recede as Harper wraps her arm around my shoulders, squeezing gently until I start moving.

My steps are heavy, as if I’m trudging through ankle-deep mud as we pass a row of meeting rooms filled with a sea of all-black uniforms. Hunters are shouting to be heard over others, while the rest sit and stand around the rooms with grave expressions.

When we reach my mom’s office, Noah knocks once before opening the door. The three of us file in, and Rachel stands from the chair behind her desk. She’s on the phone but waves us over, a grim look darkening her features when her eyes land on me. A stomach-knotting mix of anger and worry fills them, making my throat go dry, as if I’m expecting her to reprimand me. Maybe I am. Old habits and all.

“I have to go,” she says quickly. “I’ll call you back when I have more information, Senator.”

Harper and I sit in the stiff chairs in front of her desk while Noah stands behind us.

Rachel sets her phone down and looks at each of us before exhaling a frustrated breath. “I’m not sure where to start.”

Noah clears his throat, and the minute he begins explaining what happened at Lucia’s compound, reality starts slipping from my grasp. It’s just as well—I don’t want to exist here right now.

My gaze wanders over my mom’s pristine desk, stopping on the incredibly ugly mug I made years ago sitting next to her laptop. I can’t believe she kept it, or that she uses it. It’s a small thing, something most likely wouldn’t notice, but I can’t stop staring at it. The purple polka dots are faded, and the handle is close to breaking off. It looks wildly out of place in this office where everything is lacking personality.

I tear my eyes away from the ceramic monstrosity and shift in my seat, wincing inwardly at the flare of heartburn that seems to be back with a vengeance. I clench my jaw against the fiery sensation as it travels upward through my chest.

Dropping my gaze to my lap, I close my eyes and inhale slowly, trying to breathe through the pain I can’t figure out. Originating deep in my chest, I’ve never felt anything like it. It ebbs in and out, reminiscent of an oncoming anxiety attack. My pulse hasn’t been normal for hours and it’s taking a toll, filling my head with fog and my limbs with exhaustion. The day we lost my sister Danielle was the worst of my life, but today comes in just below that.

“Are you okay?” Harper whispers next to me.

“I’m fine,” I force out despite it being the furthest thing from the truth. I suddenly wish I hadn’t closed my eyes, because all I can see is the carnage we left in Portland. Demons and hunters alike, dead. Bodies and piles of ash.

It wasn’t supposed to happen that way.

Xander wasn’t supposed to kill his mother.

Or take her place on the throne.

“For as long as you want me, I’ll be by your side. The gates of hell couldn’t keep me away from you.”

The memory of his words hit me like a brutal punch to the gut.

Did he know how things would go down?

Did he plan to kill Lucia?

“—Camille.”

I blink back into focus at the sound of my name, but I’m not sure who said it. I glance over at Harper, but her gaze is on my mom. Her face is white as a sheet and her knee is bouncing, though I don’t think she notices she’s doing it. I frown at the tightness in her jaw, her rigid posture. She’s in shock as much as I am. Finding out Xander is her half-brother…I can’t imagine what’s going through her head right now.

“Sorry,” I say, my voice hoarse. I swallow and try again. “What was that?” I ask my mom.

Her brows knit. “Perhaps you and Harper should get cleaned up while I speak with Noah?”

“Okay,” I say automatically, reaching for Harper’s hand and gripping it tightly in mine as we stand and cross the room to the private bathroom attached to Mom’s office. It’s equipped with everything, including a shower and shelves with towels, extra training gear, and clothes.

As soon as the door shuts, I pull her into my arms. “I’m so sorry.”

She hugs me back just as fiercely. “You have nothing to apologize for.” Her voice is thick with unshed tears and her chest rises and falls unevenly against mine. “None of this is your fault.”

When we pull back, my chest tightens at the glassy sheen in her eyes. “I don’t know what to say about Xander being your—”

“Don’t,” she rushes to cut me off. “Please. I can’t. I need to keep a level head right now, and if we talk—If I think about…” Harper shakes her head, swallowing hard. “I can’t,” she repeats.

“Okay.” I grab a face towel and get it wet with warm water before directing Harper to sit on the closed toilet seat. She doesn’t argue as I get to work cleaning the blood and smudges of makeup off her face, but she winces a few times even as I try my best to be gentle. I have to rinse the cloth a few times to get rid of all the blood, then grab the first aid kit from under the sink. I find the alcohol and get to work disinfecting the cuts on her lip and brow. Her jaw locks as she grits her teeth, keeping her gaze trained forward.

“Sorry,” I murmur, “I know it stings.”

“It’s fine,” she says through her teeth.

I smear antibiotic ointment over the cuts once they’re clean. “I don’t think they’re deep enough for stitches, so that’s good.”

She nods without a word.

I toss the used gauze into the trash and the towel into the hamper across the room. Exhaling softly, I say, “Harper?”

She turns her head to look at me.

“What do you think is going to happen now?” My bottom lip tremors, and I press my mouth shut as my throat clogs with emotion.

“I have no idea,” she admits. “What happened today is unprecedented. Lucia has been the reigning monarch for over a century. No one expected Xander to take the throne from her.” She stands, placing her hand on my shoulder reassuringly. “That said, you don’t need to rejoin the organization. As much as I would love to train with you again, being a demon hunter has never been what you pictured for your life. Don’t let this shit storm force you into something you don’t want.”

I try but fail to smile through the bursts of pain with every beat of my heart. “I need the training. If for no other reason than to protect myself.” I look away.

Maybe if I’d been capable of fighting, Xander wouldn’t have been in a position where he needed to save me from his mother. Maybe we would’ve sent her back to hell like we’d planned and my heart wouldn’t feel like it’s being shredded to ribbons inside my chest.

Harper nods. “I understand, and I think that’s a smart move. None of us knows what to expect now.”

Her words trigger the pressure in my chest to intensify, and I pull in a shaky breath, trying to calm the storm. The more I think about training again, the deeper fear’s claws embed themselves in me. I’ve never had the blissful ignorance of the demon world that most do, but returning to the organization is accepting that my life will constantly be in danger for the sake of protecting those who are unaware of the supernatural. Call me selfish, but that is absolutely terrifying.

Harper drops her hand and crosses the room to grab a fresh set of clothes, quickly changing into them as I turn to the sink and splash my face with cool water. Catching my reflection in the mirror, I pull in a sharp breath at the bruises blossoming across my throat. Startling evidence of just how close I came to death at the hands of the devil.

“They’ll heal,” Harper says in a soft voice, coming to stand behind me and patting my back. “Do you want to change?”

I glance down at my clothes. Honestly, I’d love a long, hot shower, but we don’t have time for that right now. “I’m okay,” I tell her.

We walk back out to Mom’s office, where she’s on the phone again, while Noah perches on the corner of her desk.

Dad’s voice comes through on speaker, and my chin quivers. Fuck, I could use one of his squeeze-the-life-out-of-you hugs right now. “I can get on a flight first thing tomorrow morning.”

Noah and Mom glance over when Harper and I approach, and my mom says, “I don’t think that’s necessary, Scott. You need to be there to keep things calm at Ballard and the surrounding facilities.”

There’s a stretch of silence before Dad sighs. “I suppose. Please have Cami give me call as soon as—”

“Hey, Dad,” I chime in. “I’m here.”

His voice softens immediately. “Camille, I’m so glad you’re okay.”

Okay is relative, but I’m alive and figure that’s all I can ask for at this point so I don’t correct him.

“Me too.”

“I’ll let you speak with your mother, and we’ll talk soon. Sound good?”

“Sure,” I say, feeling weird having this back and forth with an audience. “I’ll call you later.”

“Okay, kiddo. I love you.”

“Love you, Dad.”

Mom ends the call without adding anything, then glances from Noah to where I’m standing next to Harper. “I’d like to speak with my daughter alone for a moment, please.”

“Of course,” Harper says before she gives my arm a quick squeeze and follows Noah out of the office.

I drop back into the chair on the other side of her desk, pressing a hand to my stomach as if that’ll ease the nausea there. It’s ebbing away, but still bad enough it has me worried I’m going to vomit. “I know I’m in a lot of trouble.”

My mom frowns, exhaling through her nose. “Camille, I could sit here and list all the organization’s rules you broke with your off-the-books mission. However, that isn’t going to change what happened. I’m deeply disappointed with everyone involved, but we need to move forward. There are far more pressing matters that need to be dealt with.”

I nod, the tiny flicker of relief easing a fraction of the tension in my chest. At least I don’t have to endure a lecture from my mother on top of everything else today. “What happens now?”

She leans back in her chair. “The organization-wide hunt for Xander Kane is still active. We suspect he’ll be keeping a low profile with this change in power.”

“Right.” The word is hollow, much like the feeling in my chest.

I’m so unbelievably stupid.

To think we’d come out of a fight with the ruler of demons unscathed. To believe Xander and I…That we could ever have a chance of making things work between us.

Mom’s expression softens ever so slightly, making me blink at her in surprise after she says, “I’m sure you were in distress when we spoke on the phone earlier. When you asked to train again. Are you ready to talk about that?”

“Not really.” I sigh, wringing my hands in my lap. “It doesn’t feel like there’s time to wait for me to be ready, so we probably should. I’m going to re-enroll in training. I don’t know what that looks like, but I figure you already have a plan.”

She regards me thoughtfully. “I know what happened today has been incredibly shocking and difficult to process, but that doesn’t mean you need to re-enroll. The organization is taking care of things. You will be protected, Camille. I’m not—” Her voice cracks, and she clears her throat. “I’m not going to let you get hurt again.”

I press my lips together as my eyes burn, threatening tears. I’m not entirely sure how to express to my mom how I feel responsible for what happened. I asked the hunters to help and keep the plan to send Lucia back to hell from the organization. Our group had my back. Elias lost his life, and for what?

“Camille?”

“I have to do this,” I say in a low voice, struggling to meet her gaze.

“Why?”

That one little word grips me as tightly as Lucia’s hand around my throat, constricting the air in my lungs.

“There’s a good chance this will sound insane, but it’s the only thing I feel like I can control, and I need that. Everything else has swiftly spiraled so far out of my control, it feels like the world is closing in on me. I can’t fucking breathe.” By the time I finish speaking, my shoulders are shaking and wetness tracks down my cheeks. There’s a dull ringing in my ears and a pressure in my chest that makes it impossible to take a proper breath. I can feel the tendrils of anxiety pounding at the door of my mind, demanding entrance and threatening to consume me the second my guard slips.

“Okay,” she says gently. “I understand.”

I swipe at the tears that escaped, clearing my throat. “Thank you.”

“I will grant your request through the official channels in the coming days. That said, your lack of experience is going to put you behind the rest of the trainees.”

“I’ll do whatever I need to catch up,” I say without missing a beat. “I’ll defer my semester at school and dedicate my time to training.”

She nods. “You’ll need extra training.”

“Of course,” I agree. “Whatever it takes.”

There’s a knock at the door before Noah slips back into the office. My mom glances up and smiles.

“You have good timing, Noah.”

What the fuck for? I want to say, but bite my tongue against the quip.

“Oh? Your assistant wanted me to check in and see if you were going to join the meeting in a few minutes.”

“I am, but we need to discuss Camille’s training.”

His gaze shifts to me as his brows lift.

“You will need to work closely with Noah,” she tells me. “He will help you get caught up to where you need to be.”

I’m shaking my head without a thought, my pulse spiking at the idea of training with Noah. It threatens to send me into a spiral of panic, especially as I recall the weird jealous vibes I picked up from him during the meeting we had before the epic failure of a mission. From there, I can’t stop my thoughts from drifting to the memory of our shared time in New York. How oddly normal it felt to spend time with him—fun even. Not to mention the ridiculously stupid crush I had on him years ago. Part of me is worried all of that will affect my training.

Another part is scared at the prospect of getting close to him. There’s also a shallow inkling of concern that I’ll embarrass myself by how unskilled I am. I shouldn’t care what Noah thinks of me—I don’t , I try to convince myself, but the uptick in my pulse works to make a liar out of me. Of course I care. Despite my mixed feelings about Noah, there’s just something about him that I find myself…I don’t know, seeking his approval? It’s ridiculous, and I definitely don’t have the time or emotional stability to explore the reasoning behind it.

“I’d like to train with someone else,” I force a level tone in hopes it comes across professional enough for her to at least consider it.

She purses her lips, her eyes flitting toward Noah for a moment before returning to me. “Why?”

“I fear his arrogance will impede my learning.”

So much for professionalism.

Noah chuckles, and I jump when the sound is much closer than I expect it to be. He grips the back of my chair, leaning down until his lips are next to my ear. “I’m the best this organization has, Cam. You’d be lucky to have me train you.” There’s a film of annoyance clinging to his tone, even as he uses the nickname no one else does. “If it makes you feel better, I get the feeling this assignment is a punishment for me and not you.”

Mom sighs. “You’re lucky unpaid mentor hours are all we’re giving you, Noah. You could very well be tossed out of the organization for participating in that mission.”

Would they really do that? I can’t picture Noah doing anything outside of demon hunting, and the organization doesn’t seem to be in a place where they can lose anyone. His response leads me to think he doesn’t see it as an empty threat, though.

His jaw works, and he nods tightly. “I understand.”

Fuck. He did just help me and defy the hunters’ rules in doing so, and I’m basically throwing it back in his face by requesting another trainer.

Whatever. He’s still a jerk.

Mom’s sharp attention returns to me. “I don’t need to remind you of Noah’s experience.”

Please don’t.

I bite my tongue. Her tone is warning enough. There is no room for argument. I want to so badly, but the longer I’m here, the closer I get to bursting into tears. So I resign myself to sit in silent acceptance of this hand I’ve been dealt. I don’t have the strength to fight. Not now. Not with the pit in my stomach and the indescribable emptiness in my chest. It’s akin to grief, though sharper somehow.

As the seconds tick by on the wall clock across the room, my pulse speeds up and my palms dampen. The hair on the back of my neck tingles, and that awful, familiar sense of dread pours in. My thoughts are short-circuiting, and I swallow against the dryness in my throat.

I’m shooting to my feet before I fully realize it, the room swaying around me.

“Camille—” Concern laces Mom’s tone at my abrupt movement.

“I’ll do whatever you want,” I say, desperation creeping into my voice as the walls feel as if they’re moving suffocatingly close. I just need this meeting to be done. I need to get out of here.

I don’t look at Noah as I flee the room. Don’t stop moving until I’m standing outside headquarters, pulling in slow, deep breaths of cool air until my pulse returns to a relatively normal pace. Anxiety still coils tight in my chest, and when I catch sight of Noah coming toward me, I have half a mind to make a break for it in the opposite direction. He’s the last person I want to witness me having a panic attack. And I sure as hell don’t want to talk about the mess of things going through my head. I just agreed to return to the life I was desperate to leave behind.

No, I asked for it.

Memories of hours spent studying the history of hunters and demons, the stark, constant fear of losing everyone I love to the monsters I was learning to stalk and kill…And now I’m right back there. It makes my skin crawl, sending a shiver down my spine at the same time.

I step back when Noah gets close, and he sighs.

“Just wait, Cam.”

“For what?” I snap. “Are you going to recite your mile-long list of reasons you’re the best hunter in the organization? Or boast about why I should be absolutely star-struck by the prospect of learning from you? Hard fucking pass.”

His gaze holds mine, and his voice is devastatingly gentle when he says, “You’re allowed to be scared.”

My stomach drops. I shake my head. I resent the burning in my eyes.

Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry.

Not in front of him .

I stay silent. I won’t give him the opportunity to call out my lie of denying the razor-sharp fear building a home inside me. Instead, I spin on my heel and hurry away from him, refusing to look back. My heart is pounding in my throat as blood rushes through my ears, and feeling so utterly unstable is making it very difficult not to burst into tears in the middle of the sidewalk.

Once I’m far enough away to know Noah isn’t following me, I stop to catch my breath and pull my phone out to text Harper.

Sorry I left without you. I couldn’t be there a second longer. I’ll meet you at home.

I slip my phone away and press a hand to my chest, closing my eyes as I try to center my breathing. My head is still spinning with a million questions I’m almost certain I’m not prepared to get answers for. Of course, most of them are about Xander.

Was his intention all along to execute his mother and take her throne?

He hated her for the pain she put him through, but the idea that he would be capable of not only killing his own mother but having the foresight to plan it has nausea rolling through me in vicious waves once more.

And if he did plan it, did he know what would happen?

When I consider that, it only begs more questions.

Is he still at the compound? What’s his next move? Is he going to continue with his mother’s plan to destroy the hunters? Something tells me no, especially after the conversation we had about how important it was to stop Lucia from doing that very thing.

That said, I feel as if I can’t trust anything I think I know anymore. And that has anger searing my skin just as fiercely as the fear wrapping its dark, thorn-filled tendrils around my heart.

I keep walking, and with each step, I home in on the anger. Because in the world of demons, anger is safer than fear. And if I’m going to survive this, I need to focus everything I have on that feeling, training as hard as I can, and pray to any higher power listening that it’s enough to save my sanity.