Page 16

S IXTEEN C AMILLE

I startle awake to the sound of a door slamming shut. Groggy as I am, my pulse races as I sit up and get out of bed. The room sways, reminding me that I’ve been mostly bedridden for days, and I grit my teeth against the swimming in my head.

“Get the fuck out of here before I do everyone a favor and kill you instead.” Noah’s venom-filled voice forces me to keep moving, using the wall to keep steady enough to make it out to the main living area where he’s facing off with Xander. My gaze bounces between the two, then drops to the dagger clutched so tightly in Noah’s fist that his knuckles are white. Panic seizes me, and somehow I’m moving forward and putting myself between them with my back to Xander.

“Stop,” I say to Noah. “Please.”

His jaw is sharp, his expression wild and dark with the promise of violence against the demon behind me. Blood rushes through my ears and heat seems to fill my pores as my heart beats erratically. There’s no chance I’m strong enough to stop them from fighting each other if that’s what’s going to happen—so that can’t happen.

“Get out of my way, Cam,” Noah barks, his gaze locked on Xander.

I shove against the hunter’s solid chest, but he doesn’t budge. “Noah, stop . You’re not going to brawl in my living room.”

Finally, his eyes drop to my face, and he says, “Is this why you haven’t answered my texts since yesterday?”

I frown, not remembering the last time I even looked at my phone. The days have blurred together. I’m not sure how long Xander’s been here—maybe a day? Two? I’ve been so out of it, sleeping on and off, I feel as if I’ve entered the twilight zone by this point.

He doesn’t wait for me to answer. “When you didn’t pick up the last two times I called to check in, I got worried so I came over and knocked. You didn’t answer, so I let myself in and found this prick in your kitchen.” His eyes flick between mine. “Tell me you didn’t know he was here.”

I press my lips together. I’m not going to lie to him.

“Son of a bitch, Camille.”

When I wince at the sharpness of Noah’s voice, Xander moves closer, a deep growl rumbling in his chest. “Watch your tone,” he warns.

“Go to hell,” Noah seethes.

I sway on my feet, closing my eyes at the dizziness filling my head. “Please stop this.” I’m speaking to both of them.

“You need to sit down before you fall over.” Noah’s voice sounds far away, echoing as though he’s talking to me from the bottom of a well.

I can’t seem to make my eyes open as my breathing quickens, and I reach out for anything to steady myself when my legs start shaking.

Xander catches me around the waist as I fall against him.

My ears ring, my throat seemingly clogged with cotton, and I feel uncomfortably warm and clammy. He gets me to the couch, then there’s a cool cloth pressed to my forehead and a glass of water held at my lips.

I manage to pry my eyes open to find Xander sitting next to me and holding the cloth, while Noah perches on the coffee table, tipping the water glass back so I can drink from it.

A few minutes later, I’ve cooled down and feel marginally better. Still weak, but the feeling of collapsing and passing out is gone.

Silence stretches between the three of us, though the tension between the demon and hunter hasn’t gone away. I doubt it ever will. I still don’t know how to feel about Xander being here, which was only made more complicated by Noah’s drop in, and if I was smart, I’d take this opportunity to kick Xander out.

At least I’d have Noah to back me up and physically remove him if needed, yet the words refuse to form on my tongue. Part of me wants him here even though I know deep down it’s the wrong choice. My heart strongly disagrees.

Noah’s phone chimes, and he sits back, pulling it out of his black jean jacket pocket and cursing at the screen. “I have to go.” He sets the water glass on the table beside him, his eyes shifting briefly to Xander before returning to me.

“It’s okay. I’m fine,” I attempt to assure him.

His eyes narrow slightly. “I shouldn’t leave you here with him.”

“I’d never hurt her,” Xander chimes in before I can respond, his voice low, as if he’s holding himself back from biting Noah’s head off.

Noah scoffs. “It’s a little fucking late for that, your majesty .”

“ Okay ,” I cut in sharply. “That’s enough.”

Noah stands, keeping his eyes on me. “Keep your phone with you,” is all he says before stalking to the door and slamming it shut behind him.

“It’s always so nice to see him,” Xander remarks dryly.

I sigh, falling back against the cushions. “What did you say to him before I woke up?”

“Nothing. He came in, saw me, and demanded I leave, as if he owned the place—and you.”

The air between us feels charged, and I shift away from him as my nerves have the hair on the back of my neck prickling. I can’t forget that, at his core, Xander is a predator. He’ll be king of the underworld soon enough—a monster. Even when he’s sitting in my living room or making me tea to help me feel better. He’s a walking contradiction to what a demon is supposed to be, and what I know them to be. Which makes our connection even more difficult to navigate.

Xander’s eyes flick between mine as he surveys my face. His attention is all-consuming, and I have no room to deny that it still affects me. “Are you afraid of me?” he asks, and my eyes narrow at his curious tone.

“Should I be?” I ask, fishing for anything —a speck of reassurance, a hint that holding out hope for us isn’t as completely insane as I fear it is.

“Some would think so, but I hope you aren’t.”

Emotion clogs my throat, elevating the confusion filling me with the urge to run away from this interaction. “You do?”

He dips his face, lowering his voice. “I hope that whatever has happened doesn’t change that you know, even with everything you aren’t certain about, that you will never come to harm at my hands.”

I turn my face away again, blinking to clear my vision, and bite my tongue as I will myself not to shed a tear in front of him. I don’t know how to tell him that Noah is right—he’s already hurt me. Because how can I do that when what he did to hurt me is also what saved my life?

It takes me a short eternity to find my voice. “I find myself questioning what I think I know too often these days.”

He chuckles as if he understands, and for a moment—a split fucking second of pure bliss—I forget it all.

He’s cooking me dinner. Kissing me for the first time. Keeping my anxiety at bay on the Seattle Great Wheel. Bringing me to new levels of pleasure and making me feel like the only person in the world.

All too quickly, those warm flashes of memories disappear, and I’m left with the cold, hard truth that we will never be those people again. We can’t be. And hell, I wish I’d known before we kissed for the last time, because it’s all I can do not to think about it right now.

My breath gets lodged in my throat as Xander lifts a hand to my face, capturing a rogue bit of hair between his fingers. I don’t breathe as he gently tucks it behind my ear, letting his touch linger at the pulse along the side of my neck.

I resent the shiver that zips through me, and even more, the desire to lean into him. I should move away and put distance between us, but I don’t move. My face heats and my lungs scream for air as I continue staring at his chest.

“Breathe, mo shíorghrá .”

My body obeys his gentle command, and I inhale deeply, greedily sucking in air until my chest stops burning. I shake my head, as if that will clear the dizziness. “You really should go now.” There’s a trace of desperation creeping into my voice. I can feel my control slipping with each passing moment as the pressure between my ribs intensifies.

Xander tilts his head to the side, and I think I see a flicker of disappointment in his gaze when he asks, “Do you want me to leave?”

No . “Yes.”

“Hmm. I don’t quite believe you.”

“That sounds like a you problem.”

His lips twitch. “There’s that snark of yours.”

I ignore that, instead saying, “Why are you being so difficult?”

“Because I’m not ready to leave,” he answers simply.

“ Why? ”

His eyes meet mine. “Because I miss you.”

I miss you.

The words land hard and fast, stealing the air from my lungs. There’s no hiding the way my pulse races as I play those three little words over and over, resenting the spark of hope they ignite in my heart.

“How is that possible?” I whisper instead of doing what I should do, which is walk away.

My feet are blocks of concrete—I’m not moving anywhere. Would Xander stop me if I tried to leave? A twisted part of me hopes he would. That he’d fight for me and for us.

“Losing my soul didn’t destroy the part of me that cares for you.” He exhales a humorless laugh. “It would make this a lot easier.”

I bite my bottom lip to keep it from trembling. There are too many emotions going to war inside me, the overwhelm has me close to tears, and I fucking hate that. “What does that mean?”

He lets silence stretch between us for a moment before he sighs. The hopelessness in that sound punches a hole through my chest. And then he says, “My heart is human and it remains yours.” His expression softens, and that’s my only warning before he’s reaching for me, his hands on my hips tugging me into him.

I suck in a breath before his lips crash against mine. I lose myself in seconds, and the only thing that exists is him. His touch and his lips on mine, damning me to want him even now. Even when it hurts so deeply.

Xander makes the sound of the back of his throat that makes my heart slam against my rib cage, and suddenly I’m not sure if my hands on his chest, gripping his shirt until it’s wrinkled, are to push him away or pull him closer.

A strangled whimper escapes my lips, and he swallows the sound as his tongue darts into my mouth, sweeping along mine. He deepens the kiss, tipping my head back with one hand while the other remains curled around my hip. My eyes slip shut as I’m overcome with sensations, our lips moving in sync, our tongues dancing. Our bodies know each other. It feels natural. Right.

Except the pressure in my chest and the fear clogging my throat are always-present, painful reminders of how wrong it is. So why can’t I seem to remember that when I need to the most?

Lucia told me Xander’s feelings for me were his weakness, and moments like this only prove my feelings for him are mine.

I finally find the strength to push him away and suck in a shallow breath, pressing my hand to my chest. I can’t stop my fingers from drifting to touch my lips as they tingle. I can’t decipher the expression on Xander’s face when I focus on him again, and before I can speak, he says, “Are you okay?”

I shake my head. “You don’t get to do that anymore.”

“What? Kiss you, or care about you?”

“Xander.” I drop my hand back to my lap, knowing full well my expression is pleading with him to go.

He was able to get past my defenses all too quickly, and with one kiss, it feels as if it ruined the distance I put between us. Whatever wall I thought I’d built crumbled in an instant.

How could I be so weak?

Why did I let him get close again?

Why did I let him kiss me?

Why did I kiss him back?

I feel like I just failed a test I wasn’t allowed to prepare for.