Page 31 of The Devil and His Goddess (Sinners Do It Better #2)

Harper

NOTHING FELT RIGHT ANYMORE. EVERYTHING had been altered, and navigating it all was challenging. Aiysha offered to bring me home that evening, but the thought of going back to that house, to the place where he’d invaded, made me puke up the little food I’d managed to eat.

Perseus offered to let me stay there as long as I wanted. I agreed because I was at a loss for what else to do, and trying to figure it out when I couldn’t even make coherent thoughts was impossible.

He shadow-walked—apparently what demons called their ability to travel space and time in the blink of an eye via shadows—to Aiysha’s. He gathered the list of clothes and items I needed and moved it all into his bedroom here. I tried telling him I could use a different room, but he insisted on me taking his.

Aiysha wanted to stay with me, but Perseus’s house was in the opposite direction of her school. I refused to make her life harder because of what happened, so she reluctantly went home to sleep with a promise to return tomorrow after her classes.

After sending Aiysha off, I walked through the house with the gait of a zombie. When I neared Perseus’s room, his whisper made me stop outside of the door. I peeked around the doorway and spotted him on the phone, his fingers rubbing at his forehead.

“I’ll figure something out,” Perseus stated, the hard tone of his voice leaving no room for argument. “I don’t know if I’ll make it in tomorrow. Just follow the schedule for now. They’re professionals, so they know what to do. I’ll handle the shows, prep, and paperwork when I can.”

Frowning, I stayed just out of the doorway until he hung up. I crossed my arms as I stepped into the room. “Was that someone from Silverlight?”

Perseus looked up and nodded reluctantly. “Yeah. Yeah it was.”

“You aren’t planning on going into work tomorrow?”

“No. I have more important things on my mind.”

My cheeks warmed. Not because of some happy rush, but because of shame . He’d been neglecting Silverlight, his dancers, and his responsibilities as the artistic director and owner because of me —because of what happened to me.

It was my fault Silverlight was missing their leader.

Just like what happened is your fault.

My lip quivered as I shook my head against the last thought and gritted out, “You need to go to work. I don’t want things getting messed up there because of me. Silverlight needs you.”

He stared hard at me. His hands were braced on his hips, and the knuckles turned white even while his face remained neutral. “Silverlight needs me? Just Silverlight?”

I knew what he was really asking.

And you don’t?

I swallowed hard but kept my stare fixed on his. I wanted to tell him I was fine, but we both knew I wasn’t. I couldn’t lie to him. He’d see right through it. So instead, I stayed silent, unable to conjure fake promises about being okay when I wasn’t sure I ever would be again.

Perseus took a step in my direction. Just as I thought he was about to continue coming closer, he stopped and remained rooted to the spot, a sea of separation between us. His shirt squeezed his arms and torso as he forced himself to hold back.

Finally, he said, “Harper, I appreciate your concern for Silverlight and my presence there. But I was never going to be at Silverlight full time. I’m there for now, because my band is on a break, but when that gets started back up, I have no intentions of being at Silverlight every single day. That’s why I have Rupert to manage things in my absence. It was always the plan that I’d come and go as needed from the ballet company. The staff knows this and are prepared to work without me there while I oversee from a distance. I know you missed my address at the welcome back party, but the dancers knew this, too. My being here with you isn’t taking anything away from them. They’re prepared for my absence.”

This was news to me. I’d wondered how he was going to be the artistic director and do everything he needed for his band obligations. Now I knew. Even for a demon, managing both seemed too great a feat. Knowing that he wasn’t going to be at Silverlight weighed my heart down a fraction. It was already so low that it couldn’t sink much lower, yet, I still felt the sad tug.

Perseus stared at the floor between us and inched forward. “I’ll keep going to work for now if that will make you feel better, because I don’t want you worried about Silverlight. I don’t want you worried about Dancing in the Dark or anything like that. Focus on resting, okay? Take as much time off as you need. Silverlight will be fine, as will all the other dancers. I’ll take care of it.”

My eyes finally fell to my feet. They burned with a need to cry, but I had no tears left to give. Ever since I’d rushed to work in a frenzy of denial and avoidance, I’d spun even further into the realm of despondency. Until this moment, Silverlight, my role as Psyche, and the needs of my fellow dancers hadn’t even occurred to me. I’d forgotten that I had a job to do, a life outside of the horror that had happened to me. I didn’t know how to face any of it anymore.

How did I go on as if I was still the same woman as before?

I didn’t respond. I walked past Perseus and crawled into bed, still in the same shirt and sweatpants he’d given me yesterday after I’d passed out in the shower. I no longer had the energy to discuss work or life. I had no energy to change clothes. But even worse … I didn’t care. None of it seemed to matter.

All I wanted was to sleep. I wanted to escape this new reality I found myself in, if even for a moment.

Perseus stayed in his place across the room but turned to look at me, his face revealing nothing of what he was thinking. “Do you need anything?”

I clutched the blankets to my chest and held his gaze. Even in my less-than-rational state of mind, I knew there was so much more he wanted to say and ask. There was plenty I wanted to scream and cry. But I couldn’t make sense of them in my own head, let alone say them aloud.

So while he’d asked the safe question, I played along. “I want to sleep.”

“I’ll be in the room next door if you need anything. All you have to do is call my name.”

My chest constricted, and my gaze stayed locked on his back as he left.

All I had to do was yell his name. Perseus. Three little syllables. All I had to do was say it, and he’d be there. But when I’d tried, when it had mattered most, I couldn’t get the name to form. I had fought to scream it. I had pleaded with my voice to just whisper it.

Silence.

Silence was all I could cry out.

Just as it was all I was left with now.

My lip began to quiver, and the tears I’d thought I’d run out of began to fall all over again. The floodgates were open, and there was nothing I could do to stop the heavy cries. I curled in on myself and stuffed my face into the pillow to keep my sobs muffled. I didn’t want to alert Perseus. I didn’t want to make him more worried than he already was.

What I wanted to do was toss around, scream, and throw things to release this building ball of rage and helplessness that wouldn’t seem to leave me.

My worn body and mind had other plans, lulling me to sleep, where the pain of being awake was momentarily forgotten. For a time.

All was dark and quiet until I found myself in my home ballet studio. A smile stretched across my face as I carried myself with quick, light taps across the floor in my pointe shoes. That was when I spotted a figure in black standing in the shadows. My grin widened as I rushed toward him, expecting Perseus. But the tall and built figure with long hair morphed upon stepping out of the dark corner. The shadow was not the man I longed for but the one who now haunted me at every turn.

Drake smiled wickedly. I screamed and abandoned my pursuit to run for the door, only to find it and the window had disappeared. Drake laughed behind me as I banged on the empty wall, the sick laugh twisting around my mind like barbed wire.

A sudden invisible force yanked on me, and I landed hard on my back. My clothes had vanished, and my limbs made no sign of cooperating as Drake descended. He held my legs open, his laugh continuing to bounce around my skull, and in one hard shove, he was back where I never wanted him.

Pain erupted in the place he stretched, and it engulfed my body in its torturous flames. The agony that scoured my body, my mind, and my very soul was forced into silence. I couldn’t move or scream as he leered above me and continued to force my body to accept him.

“You love me,” Drake panted, spit flying from his mouth to land on my cheek. “You love me. You’re mine. You’ll never be his.”

He pointed to the side of the room. The force keeping me immobile tossed my head to the side, letting me catch sight of a black-cladded figure. His back was to us, but I’d know that broad frame and golden waves of hair anywhere.

My fingers twitched and weakly reached toward Perseus. I opened my mouth and yelled his name, but no sound came out. Tears lined my eyes as the burning of my body continued with no sign of stopping. I waved my outstretched hand at Perseus’s back and continued to silently call out his name.

But he never turned around. Instead, he took a step away and disappeared in a swirl of shadows. Those dark wisps trailed to my wildly waving hand and stitched together until a pink leotard was all I had to cling to.

Drake’s laughter grew louder, covering me like lashes of a whip.

My outstretched arm collapsed to the ground with the pink fabric wrapped around my curled fist. Tears dripped down my face. My voice finally rushed up from the deepest pit inside of me to unfurl in a blood-curdling scream. I tossed my head side-to-side and screamed until my throat turned raw. The ferocity of the wail shook my entire body, and the sound only built and built like a volcano erupting.

“Harper!”

I gasped and shot up in bed. Air rushed in and out of my lungs as I tried to catch my breath. Sweat lined my skin, and tremors shook my frame. Only the small glow of the bedside lamp gave me enough light to see Perseus hovering beside the bed. He stared at me with his black-and-red eyes wide in alarm and clawed hands wrapped around my shoulders.

Only after seeing him and feeling his palms on my shoulders did I realize it had all been a nightmare.

“It wasn’t real,” I panted, wiping the tears that had managed to manifest outside of the dream. “Just a nightmare.”

Being awake was hell, yet even in my dreams, I couldn’t escape this nightmare I now lived in. The monster was there to invade my waking thoughts, and he tore at my sanity in my nightmares, too.

Perseus let out a ragged breath and collapsed to his knees beside the bed next to me. His hands slipped from my shoulders as his head dropped to press into the mattress, nearly hitting my thigh with his horns. His strained voice came out muffled as he said, “You scared the fuck out of me. I heard you screaming, and I-I—”

He only wore a pair of gray sweatpants, and his long hair was up in a bun. I wasn’t sure if he actually slept in his demonic form or if it had come out as a reaction to hearing me scream. Either way, he’d clearly been in a rush to get here, and that only made the guilt funneling around my insides sink deeper. He sat up but didn’t meet my gaze. He stared blankly at the comforter, a perfect mask on his face.

Perseus was the brightest sun—always smiling, always radiant, always warm.

I was the majestic butterfly—always fluttering about, always basking in the sun’s rays, always soaring.

But not now.

The sun had been blocked by thundering storm clouds, which pelted the butterfly with its torrential downpour. The butterfly fell to the muddy ground, her wings wet and broken, unable to fly back up toward the sun. The sun couldn’t get past the dark, thick clouds to dry her wings and help her heal. The sun and the butterfly were each stuck in their new worlds, incapable of reaching the other.

I didn’t know how to dissipate those stormy skies from his mind, just as I didn’t know how to shake the endless pelting from my own. I didn’t know how to stop from spiraling or how to make the nightmare end.

Looking down at Perseus—my demon, my blocked sunshine—I knew one thing. Unlike that dream world, Perseus’s back wasn’t to me. He was right here within arms reach, and even if the storm clouds blocked us, I needed a glimpse of his rays again.

“Can you stay?” I croaked. “I don’t want to go back to sleep, yet.”

He didn’t hesitate. “Of course. Always.”

He stood and went around to the other side of the bed. He started to pull the blankets back but paused with a glance at me. A t-shirt suddenly appeared in his clawed hand, and as he slipped the navy material on, his demonic features vanished. With his shirt now in place, he settled against the headboard and sat down on top of the covers, his long legs stretched out beside me.

I finally laid back down on my side and faced him, pulling the covers up to my chin. My eyes snagged his vibrant green ones, and we stayed like that, staring at the other.

Unspoken words polluted the space between us. I no longer felt like myself. The girl who had no trouble speaking before now shuddered in shame at the idea of talking. There was so much I wanted to say, but I couldn’t stomach the words.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Perseus asked softly.

I swallowed hard as my eyes burned. “I … don’t know.”

“It’s okay if you don’t want to or can’t. Whatever you need, Harper. I mean it.”

My throat clogged with budding emotion, and tears slipped out of the corner of my eye to fall onto the pillow beneath my head.

I hate myself.

I can still feel him inside me.

It’s my fault.

I wanted to tell him all of these things, but the words refused to leave my tongue. What came out was, “It’s almost Christmas.”

He folded his hands in his lap and nodded. “So it is.”

“Do demons celebrate Christmas?”

He chuckled, but the sound was hollower than normal. “We can celebrate and do whatever we want. Doesn’t mean we have the same reasons for it that others do.”

“Do you decorate for the holidays?”

He quirked an eyebrow at me. “Do you ?”

I nodded. “That was always one of my favorite parts, especially for Christmas. My parents would pull out every box of decorations, and as a family, me, my parents, and my brothers would put them all over the house. We’d make an entire day of it. We’d play The Nutcracker soundtrack through the house, and my brothers would always try to copy me as I danced to the music. They were awful, of course. There’s not a dancer’s bone in their body, but they’re great at football. We’d bake cookies as a family, which inevitably turned into a cookie dough fight. When it looked like Christmas had claimed our entire house, we’d end the night off by watching a Christmas movie together with only the tree lights on.”

Perseus stared hard at me, and it was only then that I realized a small, nostalgic smile had formed on my face. Seeing it seemed to suck the air from Perseus’s lungs, and his jaw worked as though something inside of him were being ripped apart.

As the memory of my family faded, my faint smile went with it, and the ache that had taken up residence in my chest was back with a vengeance. With the brief reprieve from the pain, the pang of misery felt even worse than before, and all of those ugly feelings bubbled up with nowhere to go except out .

My chest cracked wide open as I whispered, “It’s all my fault, Perseus.”

“No it’s not, Harper,” Perseus insisted as heartbreak pulled down his brow and lips.

One of the things that had been playing on repeat in my head was Drake telling me how he’d seen my friendliness as an admission of love. I kept replaying every exchange we’d ever had, feeling like if I’d been crueler or harsher or smiled less, maybe this wouldn’t have happened. He never would’ve targeted me if I hadn’t given him that attention. If I’d been a better friend to Mandi, she wouldn’t have tricked me. If I hadn’t lied to Perseus, I wouldn’t have been alone.

I closed my eyes and shook my head against his disagreement. “It is. It’s all my fault. If I hadn’t been nice to him, this wouldn’t have happened. If I hadn’t lied and helped Mandi—”

“Stop. Please , stop,” he pleaded.

He shifted, and I opened my tear-filled eyes to see him sliding down the bed so that he laid right next to me. His face was now level with mine. He reached out like he was going to grasp my hand, but he stopped, freezing in place before letting his hand rest next to my own. Centimeters separated our fingers. When had centimeters become worlds apart?

I knew why he hesitated, and that only made my guilt worsen. That only made my self-loathing greater.

“Everything is ruined, and it’s all my fault,” I sobbed, burying my head in the blanket.

“Harper, look at me,” he commanded, his voice rough but firm.

Hiccuping, I barely managed to meet his eyes. His shoulders rose and fell hard as he studied me for a moment. Seeming to make up his mind, he took a chance and closed those centimeters—that world —separating us. He held my hand and squeezed it, the warmth of his palm seeping into my skin. It spread up my arm and through my chest like the first rays of sunlight after a hurricane.

“It is not your fault. Not a goddamn thing that’s happened is your fault,” Perseus insisted, not looking away from me once or releasing my hand. “If you want to point blame, point at the one who deserves it. Point your finger at Drake, Mandi—hell, direct it at me if you need to. I don’t give a damn who you blame, but don’t for one fucking second point that finger at yourself. You did nothing wrong, baby. Do you hear me? Nothing .”

I sniffled and squeezed his hand. I wanted to hear him, to believe his truth. But no matter how hard I clung to his warmth, the cold wet rain continued to gather on my wings.

“I’m tired,” I whispered.

His frown deepened, and his hand tightened around mine. “Sleep. I’ll be right here. I’m not going anywhere.”