Page 57 of The Crown of the Last Fae Queen (The Heartless and the Wicked #4)

“I want to free Aesileif. I want to free the queen … my mother . And I know it goes against everything the humans want. And I hate— absolutely hate —how I can’t make a decision.

I told Vidar that I would free her, and I truly want to do that, but doesn’t that mean I’m aligning with the fae?

What about everyone I’m betraying with that decision?

You, Eyfura, Nollar, Magni, Herja, Inkeri—the list goes on and on.

There are humans who I care for that I would be condemning by making that choice.

” She bit back another choked sob. “And I hate that I have to choose between my own mother and everyone I love, and I … I don’t know what’s right or wrong.

What if I’m executed, if the humans win?

What if the humans kill the entire fae race and become even more ruthless with hunting down my people?

What if the fae are worse than the humans, if they win?

What if they enslave all of humanity in Rosain?

What if—what if my decisions destroy an entire race? Whether my race, or the human one?”

Blár wrapped his arm around her shoulders and she shivered under his unexpected touch.

She hadn’t even realized how much she needed this—the feel of him, knowing that he was here with her even if he didn’t necessarily agree with her.

She leaned into his touch, her body curling against his as a sob wrenched from her.

“I don’t know the right answer, either, Kolfinna,” he whispered.

“It’s a heavy choice to make, and I can tell how much it’s tearing you apart.

Whether you choose the humans or the fae—or both —that doesn’t change that you are trying to save lives.

You want there to be a better world for both.

I’m sorry that neither side can be completely trusted. ”

She closed her eyes, the tiredness reaching deeper into her bones—seeping down to her soul.

“I don’t know what to do, Blár. If I do free the queen, what will happen?

But if I don’t free her, then what kind of a daughter am I?

Or … what kind of a person am I? She’s suffered greatly because of the humans, and I …

I feel like I’m betraying my own people. ”

“Save your mother.”

He said it so easily. So calmly. Like it wouldn’t affect him to have the fae queen released. For a moment, she could only stare at him in stunned silence. Did he not realize what he was saying? What it meant for Aesileif to be freed?

“Blár …” Her mouth hung open, and she blinked. “She … she’s the fae queen.”

“She’s your mother.” He grasped her chin lightly and his eyes softened. No longer was the ice-cold blue so harsh, but gentle. “She will always be on your side, no matter what you choose. And so will I.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because she’s your mother.”

“What if freeing her is the wrong choice?”

“It’s not right for her to be trapped for millennia, and I wouldn’t want that for anybody, much less your own mother.

Whether or not freeing her is the right decision for the war …

I don’t know.” His hand lightly brushed against her hip, and a jolt of his familiar winter coldness sped through her body.

“But if you think that she needs to be saved, then do it.”

The back of Kolfinna’s eyes burned and she squeezed them shut.

She leaned against his shoulder, letting her tears fall down her cheeks.

All at once, she couldn’t hold her sobs back.

She cried for herself. For the choices she was making, and then for the lives that would inevitably fall through the cracks from her decision.

For the hollowness in her chest. For the reality that peace was so far out of reach.

Blár held her tightly the entire time. As the night deepened and her tears dried up, they both sat in silence; the only sound between them was the flames in the hearth licking up the wooden logs. They sputtered and crackled, the brilliant orange-gold glow flickering over the room.

“I believe Agnarr has already left for headquarters,” Kolfinna said, remembering the way he had left Vidar’s office earlier that day. “Or he’s about to. I heard him say that he’s ready to mobilize his men.”

The muscles on Blár’s jaw feathered. “I heard the same. I’ll be leaving tomorrow night.”

Kolfinna hesitated. “What about me?”

“I would like if you came with us,” he said carefully.

“However, if you’d rather free the queen, it’s probably best for you to stay here.

It’s up to you what you want to do. I’ll support either decision.

If you decide to free her … Well, then I can figure out a way to help you escape at a later time. ”

She stared down at her hands, the decision to stay weighing heavy on her. She wanted to leave this place, to escape from Vidar’s clutches and the fae army, but she couldn’t.

“I need to get a message out to Eluf so he can prepare for us to leave,

he continued. “He and the others are close by for when we need to escape. They’ll cause a distraction that will help me.”

They were both quiet for a few minutes after that.

In that moment, everything seemed to change.

She could trust Blár with her life. Deep, deep down in her heart, she’d always known, but the stubborn part of her that didn’t want to trust anyone had held her back.

But now she absolutely knew that whatever happened, he would be here for her, and she could trust him with everything.

She also realized that she truly loved him more than anyone.

No one else would have stuck with her this long; no one else would have gone to such lengths.

No one else would have seen all the complexities of her situation—of her being fae, of her being a princess of a mostly-dead dynasty, of her being different—and decided to stay despite that.

But Blár had stuck with her through it all. He always chose her.

And that made her heart swell with emotion, because she had never felt chosen before. She had never felt like she mattered.

Maybe that was why she felt like she couldn’t lose this moment. She wanted to spend every day with him, every waking moment. She wanted to hold his hand, to kiss him, to embrace him. She wanted to live with him and love him, and cherish every second.

Kolfinna touched the side of his face, her fingers meeting the black material of his mask.

He watched her as she hooked a finger onto the edge of it and pulled it down to reveal the rest of his face.

Those full lips. The sharp planes of his cheeks.

His masculine jaw. She wanted to remember everything about him.

“You’re too pretty to hide behind a mask,” she said, all too aware of how loud her voice sounded in the quiet room.

The corner of his mouth rose. “Pretty? I don’t know if I like to be called that.”

“What else should I call you?” She traced her thumb over his jawline.

A ripple of coldness swept through her body, chilling her down to her bones.

At one point, she had been fearful of his frigid magic, of the way he was always so wintry cold, but now it had a calming effect on her.

Heat pooled in her stomach, warring with his icy touch.

“Handsome, maybe?” His voice came out gruff, low, and his eyes flared with desire as he stared at her. “But not pretty.”

She laughed softly. “I would have thought you’d like that ego of yours inflated.”

“By being called pretty? Surely there are more flattering compliments you can give me?” He traced the side of her face with his index finger and pushed a strand of wavy white hair behind her ear, and then did the same with the other side.

“But I’d rather be the one complimenting you, Kolfinna, than the other way around. ”

“I don’t need?—”

Blár placed his finger over her lips. “You are the most beautiful woman I have had the pleasure of knowing. I … I have been entranced by you from the moment I met you in that forest. I hate that our first meeting was the way that it was—the way I …” He clamped his mouth shut, and she could see the regret flashing over his eyes.

He had hunted her down and almost killed her, leaving her with scars on her leg where he had used his magic against her.

“I don’t think I can apologize enough times for what I did to you.

The pain I caused, the nightmares … And I wish more than anything that things had gone differently that day. ”

She blinked at him. “Why are you bringing that up?”

“Because I realize that I am one of those humans that have caused you pain, that has made you wary of humans. Who has done something terrible to you at some point. It didn’t matter that I was following orders. I shouldn’t have attacked you. Or hunted you.”

“You’re not like Hilda and the hunters,” she said after a moment. “You’re not the reason I have trouble trusting the humans. You’re the one person who has stood by my side through all of this. It’s not your fault that the humans don’t like the fae.”

“I still wish I could change things.”

“Blár, you don’t need to do this.” She grasped his face in her hands, searching his expression for anything other than sorrow and remorse. “We’ve moved past this already.”

“I understand, but I need you to know that I’m sorry for what I did to you.”

Her chest ached and she nodded slowly. They had already talked about it before, but hearing it again—his apology—only made her heart swell with emotions.

She had been so scared of him for many months.

Every step she had taken, before her ankle had healed, had been full of pain, a reminder of his powerful magic.

But now things were different. No longer were they enemies.

No longer was she running from him. No longer were they reluctant allies.

Kolfinna leaned forward, her lips hovering an inch away from his. “Thank you,” she whispered, and then pressed her lips against his.