Page 42 of The Break Out (Denver Dragons #3)

42

I ’m riding a high I’ve never experienced in my fucking life. I’m happy. I had a beautiful woman in my bed this morning. The woman of my dreams that I didn’t even think existed. I have a lightness to me that I don’t think I’ve ever felt, and it was clear during practice that I’m not skating with the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I feel like Coach and my teammates could see it. Yeah, my teammates. Fucking crazy, but just feeling this way has made me accept more than just my feelings but accept being a part of this team.

After practice, we’re all in the locker room, some guys are hitting the gym for an extra work out, but some of us are just heading home. I think about surprising Brynn at her apartment because I already miss her.

“Good practice today, Wheeler,” Mann says to me as he walks by.

“Thanks, Mann, you too.” I see the shock on his face, and Dumont’s who overheard me, but he doesn’t say anything else.

I continue to get changed, and as I’m slipping my hoodie over my head, I hear Jones from across the locker room, “Did you guys see this?”

A few mumbles sound from around the room, but I ignore them because I’m just trying to leave and I’m sure it has nothing to do with me. Until my name becomes involved and I perk up.

“Wheeler, do you know anything about this?” Colver asks.

“About what?” I’m being handed a cell phone with a news article pulled up and I read about the accusations against Richardson.

I never liked that guy, but I was rarely around him outside of the rink and definitely never cared to know what happened behind closed doors. This is fucked up though, and I hope that asshole gets what he deserves for pulling shit like this.

The end of the article states how Spencer, his ex, was asked for a comment, but has not made one at this time.

It makes me want to get to Brynn even more because I’m sure this entire situation has her freaking out and I want to be the one to help. I want to be the one to hold her. The one to be with her as she navigates this and the one that can make sure she relaxes. I’ll do whatever needs to be done for her.

I show up to her apartment, and I notice her car isn’t in the parking lot. Sending her a text, part of me wonders if she’s at my house.

Colton: Came to your apartment to see you, but you’re avoiding me again. Thought you might actually like me now, Baby Collee.

I can’t help but tease her, though part of me is nervous for her response. Especially as the seconds turn into minutes and I don’t get anything back.

After ten minutes with nothing from her, I actually start to get nervous. I’m about to send her another text when I see her car pull into the parking lot. She gets out and still doesn’t notice me.

“Brynn,” I call out, and she turns quickly to face me. I can see the stress written all over her, but when her eyes lock onto me her shoulders visibly drop. I rush over, gathering her into my arms because I need to feel her.

She doesn’t fight my hold, instead, her arms wrap around me tightly as her body melts into mine. I kiss the top of her head and say, “Let’s go inside.”

She nods and lets me lead her into her building. I refuse to let go of her as we take the elevator up to her apartment. I feel like a part of me needs to constantly be touching her and I’m not sure who needs it more.

Once we step inside Ellie hops down from her spot on the couch to greet us, though she bypasses Brynn to rub her side against my leg.

“Your pussy really likes me,” I tease.

Brynn just rolls her eyes, but when she doesn’t say anything back, I know there’s something really wrong. I turn her toward me, pushing some of her golden hair behind her ear, tracing my hand along her skin. “Talk to me,” I encourage.

She takes a deep breath. “What do you know?”

“Just what some of the guys showed me at practice. Some article about that shithead Richardson. He didn’t hurt Spencer, did he?”

She shakes her head. “Not like that, no.” I can see her hesitate. “Did you know?”

My brows furrow. “Did I know what? About Richardson? Fuck no.”

She looks up at me and I see her walls back up again. The ones I could’ve sworn we’ve worked to break down, but she’s looking at me like she used to. Like she doesn’t trust me. “You didn’t know anything? You were so close with that team. You hated having to come here and were still close with them, so you must have known something,” she snaps.

“I wasn’t close with him, and if I knew anything I would’ve done something.”

“Would you have? You’d stand up to your little buddies? Because for a while you were borderline harassing me, so I think you may have joined in.”

I rear back like she slapped me. “You really think that? So, what, you think I forced you to be with me?”

Conflict flashes across her face and I don’t know if she means what she’s saying, but she’s doing what she said she wasn’t going to. Which is run. But this time she wants to make sure I don’t come back.

“We’re going back to pretending you didn’t want me then, Baby Collee?”

“I…I did, but you were really pushy, and I just don’t know if maybe–”

I cut her off, not able to hear more of this, “Say it, then. You think I was involved too. Tell me what a shitty person you think I am even though you know damn well that’s not the truth. I may be an asshole at times, sure, but you fucking know me. You know for a fucking fact I would have never done anything with you that you didn’t want. And I would never ever fucking hurt you. Or any woman and you should fucking know that.”

Instead of saying anything else she just shrugs.

Just fucking shrugs.

I drop my hands, and take a step back from her, despite the hurt I see flash across her face. It must mirror mine because I can’t believe this is happening. Especially after everything was so perfect just this morning.

“You know me, Brynn, you really know me and I want you to think nice and hard if you think I could do something like that.”

She wraps her arms around her stomach, eyes dropping down to the floor. “You should probably go; I have a lot to deal with.”

I have to fight the urge to plead for her not to do this. For her to stop fighting her feelings and see what’s right in front of her. I want to bare my fucking soul for her. Lay it all out for her to know that I love her, that I would rather rip my heart out of my chest than hurt her. That I don’t want to walk out of this fucking door.

But she’s shut down right in front of my eyes. Her fears taking over and overriding anything I could do or say right now. So, I don’t beg for her like I want to because she needs time. And the last thing I want to do right now is push.

“You think you’ll still come to the game later?” I can’t help but ask, even though I’m sure I know the answer.

“Probably not.”

I nod once, opening the front door, but I linger for a second, my back turned to her, and I can’t help but say one more thing.

“I’ve given you everything, Brynn, please don’t throw it away because you’re scared. Everything is easier to get through if it’s done together and you don’t have to do everything alone anymore.”

When the door closes behind me, I feel like I just shut the door on so much more, but when she doesn’t open it again, I know her decision has been made for now. I’ll respect whatever that decision is because she already accused me of being pushy before. I refuse for that to be true now, I love her too much to try and force her to be with me.

I love her enough to have to let her go if I have to.

This game fucking sucks. Tensions are high between our teams, and I feel like everyone is looking at me like I’m the one the article is about. I fucking get it, but it wasn’t me and I didn’t know about it.

It feels like everything that was changing has gone back to square one and it’s coming out in this game. We’re also headed out on the road for two weeks after this game and are going against L.A. in a couple days.

The last thing I want right now is to leave town. Facing my old team is a close second.

“Wheeler, get out there,” Coach barks at me, pulling me from my thoughts.

I hate how distracted I am this game, but I can’t think about anything other than Brynn and what happened earlier. Hockey is always my number one except now. Now, I couldn’t give a shit about this game or anything going on.

I take my position on the ice for the next puck drop. I’m positioned next to another defenseman from the other team, and he chirps, “You hear about your buddy Richardson?”

“Not my fucking buddy,” I grumble, not wanting to give into his antagonizing. For once I just want to get through the game and have it end.

“I knew all you fucking Spartans were dirty players but seems like you’re that way off the ice too.”

I turn my head slightly, but am still watching for the puck drop that keeps getting delayed when a player goes for it too soon. “Good thing I’m not a Spartan, then. Because I’m a Dragon. ”

We shove at each other as the play starts. I get possession of the puck and race it down to their zone. Collee gets a perfect opening and takes it, sending the puck flying into the net.

He skates around with a minor celly, before skating up to the bench to fist bump the whole team, the rest of us on the ice follow. We end up switching lines and I sit back on the bench. I look over at my captain and think about saying something, but I don’t.

He notices me looking but doesn’t say anything either.

It’s not the time or place to say any of the things I want to.

I’m distracted for the rest of the game that I can hardly acknowledge that we even won. I deny a post-game interview because all I want to do is go home. I check my phone before getting into the shower, just hoping that maybe Brynn texted me something. But it’s radio silence. I know I’m really fucked when part of me hopes and thinks she’s going to be standing in the hall once I leave the locker room.

She’s not.

I check for her car in the parking lot, but it’s not there.

When I’m almost home, I even think about her being there waiting for me.

She’s not.

I think about texting her, especially as I climb into bed. Even for a second I think about calling her just to hear her voice. But I know she won’t answer, and I don’t need her to reject me again today .

So, instead, I go to bed alone. I used to prefer this, but ever since the first night I had her in my bed I have wanted to keep her here. And now I may never have her here with me again.

In the morning, I drag my ass to the team plane, plop down in my seat with my headphones in and close my eyes. No one tries to talk to me. And I don’t try to talk to any of them. I used to want to be left alone and I finally have gotten what I wanted.

All. Fucking. Alone.

No friends, no family. Just me, once again. Only this time I hate it.

I don’t even care where we’re playing, my plan is to wake up, practice, eat, play, sleep. Repeat forever.

My eyes close and by the time I open them we’ve already landed wherever we are, I join the team on the bus to the hotel. We have practice in two hours. I make the mistake of looking at my phone once I’m in my room and see another text from my mom, which is only making my mood worse.

Mom: How are you?

I don’t know what it is about the single message today. Maybe it’s the fact that I can’t just call Brynn to hear her voice and distract me. Maybe it’s because my entire world shattered just after I felt like it was beginning to get better. But for the first time in several months, I press the call button.

“Hello?” she answers with a raspy voice. I remember when I was younger, she would sing to us, and she had such a beautiful voice. Now, just like everything else, that’s gone.

I don’t say anything. I’m not sure why I even called, and as I open my mouth to say that my mom sighs on the other side.

“Seriously Colton, why call?”

My grip tightens on the phone. “Because I wanted to see if maybe you cared to talk to me for once, but I guess that hasn’t changed.”

“I just asked you how you were, and you’re the one that doesn’t respond,” she snaps defensively.

“Because I know you don’t really care. You never fucking have,” I explode. “I’m just an obligation, the son you have left that you didn’t want. I know you’d rather have Josh than me and I’m fucking sorry that’s not the case.”

She’s quiet and I wonder if she hung up. I’ve never said these things to her, after Josh died we all coexisted, not as a family just as humans sharing a house. Until I left.

“That’s not true,” she finally responds.

“It’s not? Because I don’t remember a single time since he died that you hugged me. That you told me you loved me. Dad either. You gave me whatever I wanted to shut me up and dropped me at hockey every chance you got. That’s not parenting, Mom.” I might be too harsh, but I feel like all the feelings I’ve locked and thrown away the key to are coming out right at this moment.

“Of course we have, Colton, that’s ridi– ”

“No. You haven’t. Either of you. A single time.”

We are both silent. I’m not going to be the one to break it, either.

“I’m sorry,” she finally whispers, so quiet I almost think I’m imagining it.

Still, I say nothing, waiting for her.

“Losing Josh,” her voice cracks saying his name. “Broke us. It broke all of us, I know it broke you too and we just…we didn’t know how to be anymore.”

“But I was still here. Of course it broke me too, he was my best fucking friend, but I needed my fucking parents.” I’m about to break again, the tears starting to form, but I don’t want to let them fall.

“I know, Colton, I know. I’m sorry. There’s nothing I can say that will fix anything at this point, I know that.”

I blink away the fog from the tears. “No, there’s not.”

Silence again.

“Maybe next time you’re here we could…maybe come to your game?”

“I don’t think I’ll come back after this season,” I snap quickly. She sighs again and I feel bad for resorting to what I always have. “But maybe I could come visit when I have the time. ”

“That would be nice.”

Immediately I think of Brynn and how I would want to bring her, she would make it better. My parents would love her, but I shake away the thoughts because I don’t think I’ll get the chance to ever know.

“Okay,” I nod. “I’ll let you know.”

“I love you, Colton. I should have showed it more, and there’s nothing I can do to make up for that.”

“Thank you,” I reply, because I can’t bring myself to say it back yet. It might be fucked up, but I just can’t right now.

We hang up, and I drop onto the bed, emotionally exhausted. Part of me is relieved to have said what has needed to be said for a long time. The other part feels even worse about all of it.

The tears I tried to hold back finally fall.