Page 28 of The Atonement

“Culinary arts, actually,” she said, as if it were something impressive. “I want to open my own cupcake bakery.”

“Just cupcakes?”

“Mhm.” She gave a proud nod. “Justcupcakes. Actually, that’s what I want to call it.”

“Well, it would certainly cut down on confusion.” Her expression changed, cooling slightly as she seemed to realize I was making fun of her, so I added, “Hey, who doesn’t love cupcakes? Sounds like a good idea to me.”

She giggled, rubbing her hands together. “So, tell me more about yourself. Do you live in Nashville?”

I shook my head quickly, used to lying my way through this question. “No. I’m just in town for business.”

“Oh, interesting.” She twirled her straw, not sounding the least bit interested. “Do you have a girlfriend?”

“No.” It wasn’t a lie. A wife wasn’t a girlfriend. “I wouldn’t be sitting here talking to you if I did, now would I?”

“You’d be surprised.”

I sighed, resting an arm on the back of the booth. “Yeah, there are a lot of creeps out there.”

“I can’t tell if you’re joking, but there really are. It’s tough being a woman these days.”

“I get it.” I took another drink.

God, she was annoying.

Why did I care?

Why was I suffering through this?

If I asked her to leave with me right now, I was sure she would, even without the coercion of the drug I’d placed in her wasted drink. So, why couldn’t I ask her?

It wasn’t that she wasn’t attractive enough—I never cared about that.

It certainly wasn’t that she wasn’t annoying me enough.

Something was stopping me. A block of some sort.

Suddenly it hit me… I couldn’t bring myself towantto do it. It sounded about as fun as washing the car or painting the house. And it was a hell of a lot more work.

I wasn’t interested, not only in her, but in any of the women in the bar. Not because of some sudden change of heart, but more out of what felt like…laziness? Apathy?

I didn’t care about the girl. Didn’t care about the chase.

Ordinarily, the things I had planned for her were the only things that brought me clarity on my darkest days, but tonight…tonight I couldn’t do it.

“I love this song,” she squealed as the music changed to something else I didn’t recognize. “Do you know it?”

I cocked my ear to the side, as if I were trying to listen. “I don’t think so.”

If I took her home with me, if I just forced myself back into old habits, it would take my mind off of everything wrong with my life.

I could do it. It would be easy. And, once I’d started, I wouldn’t be able to stop.

“Hey, do you want to get out of here?” I asked, leaning forward and slurping down the rest of my drink. The alcohol burned my throat.

She smiled, running a finger around the rim of her glass. “Well, I want to finish my drink first. And…maybe have another.” She batted her eyelashes atme, and I pictured bashing her skull in. I could practically smell the blood.

But I didn’t want to.